The comfy couch

tlc35 · May 2014

Ugh, I just visited this board and I'm happy to see this thread. @lisaren I was told that we could have sex again at my follow up which was 2 wks after my D&C. I'm not sure if that would be the same for you or not. The first time we had sex afterward was really weird and I had trouble getting into it. I felt kinda disconnected from my body. Maybe it was all the medical "stuff" that had been going on down there. The last time was getting better but still a bit weird. I do know it is better to have the thyroid controlled but that has nothing to do with trisomies. The trisomy occurs at conception.
I am struggling with the fear that I have waited too long to start TTC and all my eggs are bad. I didn't meet my H till I was 33 and before that I was never in a relationship I felt ready to have kids in. I have spent some time on TTCAL and while it is comforting to connect with people going through the same thing, it kinda scares the shit out of me since that board selects for people who either have multiple losses or have IF. As far as being naive, I'm kinda glad that I knew this could happen and I protected myself a bit. I mean it was still awful but if I had not known it was a relatively common thing I think it would have been worse.
Hugs to everyone here.

lisaren · May 2014

@tlc35‌ hugs and love friend. I'm glad you stopped by and hopefully, if you're able, will feel comfy coming here to this thread.

I do think that there is this stigma about loss in a pregnancy, understandably so. I'm such an open book and I think I inadvertently tell people to much! And it makes them super uncomfortable.

Thank you everyone for being receptive to this thread. I was super nervous, I didn't want it to be seen as negative in a sea of positive.

Do you think it would be appropriate to tag the other November loss moms??

tlc35 · May 2014

I think it would be fine to tag the other November loss moms. It is a good place for us to talk.

MollMoll4 · May 2014

lisaren said:

Do you think it would be appropriate to tag the other November loss moms??

Just my $.02 but I think you could certainly tag the folks we know still visit/lurk. Maybe they can help decide about tagging others. You could always reach out via a quick pm too.

lisaren · May 2014

Hi girls, I know I'm
Missing many but maybe you can help me out and tag someone I've missed.

First, we miss you. We hope you're doing ok mentally, physically and emotionally. If not, it's ok, being normal is overrated.

I started this thread as a support home for us November moms. I love the other boards as a source of info but I love my nov moms and have a bond with the ones know have shared this journey from the beginning...
How are you? Are you ATTC? How is husband? Anything else to share?

If it makes you uncomfortable to post here or revisit, I totally understand.

I do hope life is treating you wonderful, and you have found a little peace within.
For me, it's sometimes hour by hour.

I'm tagging the girls that are off the top of my head... I apologize to the ones I forget.

@Aaren91011‌ @mackenziesmama‌ @raelynn71109‌ @MrsKush1014‌ @mrskbuck‌ @KatzKiss‌ @katydid2014‌

I know there's more.. I'll do a search.

sAAmFam · May 2014

I remember my mc's. I haven't talked about how I felt. Not to anyone I know. I was open about being pregnant and losing them but I just told everyone it was ok. I lost the 1st early at 4 weeks but never knew until 8 weeks when I started spotting. I knew instantly but they tried to tell me my dates were off. So they must have been completely stupid because that's a whole flipping month. The second mc. I had at home. I felt weird pain in my back and it wrapped around my hip straight to my pelvic area. Shortly after I started gushing blood. Sorry that's pretty vivid but exact. 3rd one I was surprised that I didn't get a hb at ultrasound. I tried not to cry. It was hard I had to take mess to try to have an abortion. I even doubled up on them and that didn't work. Ended up having a dc the day before thanksgiving. I just moved on every time. I thought my husband blamed me. We haven't been the same since the 1st mc. I don't know if it really has or if really it's because I blamed myself deep down. We are still trying to get back to where we were. I rearranged my wall of pictures for 4 pics of the kids. We only have 3. That picture frame has been empty for 2 yrs. I haven't been able to take it down. Even when I gave up. Getting pregnant again was a surprise and an accident. This is the farthest we've made it. I'm going to enjoy it. I'm buying stuff I don't care.

tlc35 · May 2014

@redheadrunning and @Ally1986 I can think of but I'm sure there are more ladies as well

icaughtfire · May 2014

((HUGS)) to all the ladies that need them! I love that you started this @lisaren! I thought about posting on the miscarriage/loss board or even TTCAL but it just felt..odd so I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Yesterday was the hardest day for me since we found out about our loss. My husband made a pretty fucked up comment to me & then I had to spend the day with some friends, one who's wife is pregnant, a few weeks further than I was. It may not have been so bad, if she didn't constantly find a way to bring up her pregnancy every five minutes. Or maybe I'm just hyper aware of it, so it seemed like that's all she talked about. Either way it was a shitty day and it's still affecting me probably more than it should.

My H knows he screwed up, and he's spent the day apologizing and trying to make up for it. I know he's dealing with this just as much as I am and we're grieving in different ways, but it really crushed me to have my biggest supporter let me down.

MollMoll4 · May 2014

@knitsmagee‌ that absolutely breaks my heart. I am so sorry that you had to go through that.

lisaren · May 2014

@knitsmagee‌ oh my friend. Love love love to you.
I cannot imagine the emotions you feel but I can promise you that they are all very normal given the circumstance.
I'm glad you opened up here, but I'm so sorry you had to endure what you did and continue to still feel feelings that shadow your joy.

xo

Hugs to you.

lisaren · May 2014

Can I ask a personal question and feel free to tell me to stfu... Do you ever see this person now??

MollMoll4 · May 2014

Sexual abuse is an extremely traumatic experience. No one can fault you for still being upset, doesn't matter if it's been 10 or 100 years. Everyone heals at their own pace.

Nfranco973 · May 2014

knitsmagee said:
***Trigger Warning****

I won't post too much detail here and am hesitant to post anything at all. If this is not an appropriate thread for me to discuss this in then please let me know, and I will bow out.

I didn't have a mc, but after being sexually abused by a member of my extended family for years I ended up pregnant and made the difficult decision to terminate. Because of that I have so many feelings of guilt and loss. Before I got my bfp with my DD I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant with my wonderful DH. That for whatever reason I would be punished for the choice I made while the person who hurt me had 3 beautiful children. Then I spent my entire pregnancy, and this one so far, terrified that I was still going to be punished and something would happen. I don't even know how to express all of the things I am feeling/have been feeling. I feel guilty that everything happened, that my beautiful DD is here and thriving and that LO who would be about 9 now is not, that I made the decision I did even though I know that I made the right decision for me. I felt completely alone throughout the entire situation. My college roommate went with me, but she had no idea what had actually happened. No one did until 4 years ago. I have been to counseling, but I just can't stop thinking about it.

Again, if any of you feel this is inappropriate, please let me know and I will get out of your thread.

I just feel compelled to say that you don't have to feel guilty. The situation is a difficult one to endure. I have a very close friend who went through this same situation and is afraid to have children for the same reason. You deserve to be happy. You made the decision you felt was right for you. ((Hugs))

lisaren · May 2014

I know totally different but with Emma Claire my youngest I feel guilty going things with her because kali my daughter with special needs is home with nurse. When we took EC to Disney I cried the whole time because kali wasn't there. We tried once and it was horrid and my husband actually drove her home to nc from fl. That day.

But guilt is what drives me at times.

A lot of people will say, you have omg, 4 kids!!! But what they don't get is the boys are teenagers, they have their own car, they do their own thing, kali is with nurses and is not able to leave the home, so it's literally like having one child at times. And for this I feel guilty.
The guilt sucks ass.

Feegan · May 2014

Thanks @lisaren for starting this thread and @tlc35 for tagging me. I've just returned back to reality and TB after vacation & holiday weekend and it was nice to feel the love. It has been exactly one month since we learned of the MMC and all the complications that followed. I feel in a much better place in my head and heart most of the time, but I still have my moments. This morning I had to schedule a hysteroscopy, as recommended by my RE when AF arrived, and just setting up the appointment gave me anxiety about returning to the office, which was then made worse when I found out my DH couldn't accompany me because of work. I know it needs to be done to determine the state of affairs down there and our future TTC w/ infertility treatments, but I had a horrible experience the first time I had that procedure done so I am nervous. I'm trying to focus on the good here, which is that AF arrived in a timely fashion, right on time with my previous cycles even, which I know can sometimes be a lengthy waiting game for those who have experienced loss. Well, thanks for letting me ramble ladies. Big hugs to all, reading your posts have made my heart ache for each and every one of you. I hate that we all have had to experience this terrible thing, but thankful it has also banded us together to lean on for support.

lisaren · May 2014

Can I ask how long did it take for your period to arrive after your d&e for those who had them?

lisaren · May 2014

Thanks for that link, I'll bookmark and read!

tlc35 · May 2014

@lisaren I was actually shocked that I got my period 24 days after my D&C. I expected it to be longer. There is a link somewhere in the TTCAL blog where many people responded but I can't find it. I think the average was about 5 weeks.
@makenziesmamma I am sorry your H was such a douche about that. My H hasn't said anything like that but he seems to be "over it" and I am definitely not. It was hard enough when a FB friend announced that she is due in November but I can't imagine having to spend time with her.

Kristy774 · May 2014

@lisaren‌ I had a D&E- it took 4 weeks and my periods were back.

@knitsmagee‌ I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's so awful. (((Hugs)))

lisaren · May 2014

I have this irrational fear of hearing peoples opinions about anything to do with anything baby related or bc related.

It's ridiculous.

icaughtfire · May 2014

tlc35 said:
@lisaren I was actually shocked that I got my period 24 days after my D&C. I expected it to be longer. There is a link somewhere in the TTCAL blog where many people responded but I can't find it. I think the average was about 5 weeks.
@makenziesmamma I am sorry your H was such a douche about that. My H hasn't said anything like that but he seems to be "over it" and I am definitely not. It was hard enough when a FB friend announced that she is due in November but I can't imagine having to spend time with her.

It was very hard being around her. It was even more upsetting that she kept finding ways to bring up her pregnancy. She knows my situation and even though she's not my close friend (I'm friends with her husband so she's part of the package) I just thought she'd be a little more respectful. I've already told H that I won't be going to any social event she's at until I feel ready and he has agreed to respect my wishes and give me the time I need. Maybe some day down the road I can pull her aside & tell her how incredibly rude her behavior was.

hullabalou · May 2014

This is a beautiful idea.

I have my good days and bad days. We are actively TTC now, and I waver between excitement and fear...I am so scared of losing another baby. I don't know how I could ever handle it.

I feel like a crappy person a lot because I am insanely jealous of my pregnant friends and friends with babies and I know it is wrong. I am elated for them at the same time, but I just wish I was still one of them.

My H has been a rock for me even though I know he is hurting too...I love him and I know that one day we will love a baby we bring home together.

I hope the best for all of you!!!

icaughtfire · May 2014

I swear it feels like nothing can go right in my life right now.

I'm in the hospital, admitted overnight and will be going through a second D&C tomorrow. I had some heavy-ish bleeding start on Monday, didn't seem major so I called my doctor & they said just keep an eye on it & go to the ER if it gets severe. As of this afternoon I just started cramping badly, pouring blood everywhere and passing massive clots. I was bleeding so much I felt like I would pass out! My bathroom looks like a murder scene. H rushed me to the ER where the bleeding kept up & then I wound up having HORRIBLE contractions while my body was trying to push everything out! The pain meds they gave me weren't much help. My doctor finally arrives and tells me that I have "gestational trophoblastic disease" meaning cells in my uterus have multiplied like crazy & caused tumors. This is the result of my loss being a molar pregnancy. So they admitted me and I'll do another D&C tomorrow. They'll keep monitoring my HCG levels (currently around 2500) down to 0 and that should take care of everything. If the D&C doesn't get rid of everything and the tumors come back, or if my HCG levels won't go down to 0, I'll have to go through chemotherapy!

I'm so fucking overwhelmed with all of this right now and to make things worse my H had to leave to go into work because they have a huge project to finish this week. So now I'm alone and really anxious about tomorrow & what's to come in the next few weeks.

sweetbabyrahe · May 2014

I'm so heartbroken to hear this @mackenziesmama‌ . You have been through so much already. You will be in my prayers.

Sarahbeth612 · May 2014

@mackenziesmama‌ that is so awful, I am so sorry. T&Ps everything goes smoothly and you can recover physically and emotionally! Keep us updated when you can. Hugs

MollMoll4 · May 2014

@mackenziesmama‌ I'm so sorry! T&P that they get everything sorted out and that you can rest comfortably for a while.

lincoln79 · May 2014

jess123456 said:

Jess, do you feel that if people know you're pregnant that you will also get unwanted criticism??? I'm actually seeing a maternal behavioral therapist June 11, she specializes in fetal loss and cognitive therapy. More about triggers and how to balance those emotions.
I know my friends and family will be supportive and so very thrilled because this has been such a long road for us and they have been such amazing cheerleaders but I guess I feel like I need to reiterate to them that everything seems to be good. I just feel like the girl that cried wolf ya know? I guess I also don't want to hurt them if things end badly again. I know I'm ridiculous That's great that you are seeing a therapist! My therapist has a similar background. She has been such a big help and I hope yours is just as helpful!

You aren't ridiculous, I feel like the girl who cried pregnant after having three losses in a calendar year. You are just trying to protect those you love.

Kristy774 · May 2014

@mackenziesmama‌ - I am so so so sorry you are going through this. I really am, I feel so bad for you. I will be thinking of you and praying for you. xoxo

sunflwra · May 2014

@mackenziesmama - I'm so, so sorry you are having to deal with this on top of everything else. Our loss was in November and though we didn't have to deal with health specific issues for us, we had several family deaths around us in the following 2 months and I just kept thinking- what the hell else is going to happen?

I hope things go as simply and easy as possible as expected. We're all thinking about you!

Kristy774 · May 2014

@mrskbuck‌ I remember feeling exactly the same way you do. After my loss in October we decided to plan a trip to Disney world with the kids. We had fun but there were many times when someone pregnant or with a newborn would walk by and it would feel like someone was cutting at my heart. ((((Hugs))))

lincoln79 · May 2014

I think this is a wonderful thread. Where else IRL can women on both sides of this situation discuss these issues in a safe space?

We visited with my niece this weekend because it was her 11th birthday. She had asked her mom (my SIL) if she could buy me a Mother's Day present. She bought a guardian angel lawn ornament (one of those that glows after dark) that she wants us to put outside the baby's window.

She knows that we call our lost LOs our angel babies and she wanted them to watch over Squirt.

Cue tears (mine, my SIL, my niece, my MIL, MH).

lincoln79 · May 2014

lisaren said:

Can I ask how long did it take for your period to arrive after your d&e for those who had them?

I have only had D&Cs (earlier losses), but it was usually 6-8 weeks. Some women come right on time 4 weeks later, but longer is more generally true I believe.

This is a very frequently asked question on TTCAL, so feel free to lurk on one of those threads for a more broad distribution. It can seem like for-ev-er....

lisaren · May 2014

Oh @mackenziesmama‌ I'm so sorry. Damn this fuckin sucks. Anything we can do???

lincoln79 · May 2014

@mackenziesmama - I am so sorry for your loss. It is great that you are being closely monitored.

I believe that the woman from the Little Couple ended up needing to go through chemo for the same issue.

I know for us (Guiliana and Bill, IF, loss, surrogacy) watching someone else go through a similar journey helped me and mh process and talk through the issues we were dealing with.

lincoln79 · May 2014

@lisaren - We have a tree planted in our backyard in honor of our angel babies. every spring that they flower reminds me that life can return. (((hugs)))

lisaren · May 2014

I'm glad this thread has been perceived well.

I've talked to the genetic counselor today and I feel much better in knowing that what happened was a total fluke. And only a 1% chance of happening again.

Nfranco973 · May 2014

mackenziesmama said:
I swear it feels like nothing can go right in my life right now.

I'm in the hospital, admitted overnight and will be going through a second D&C tomorrow. I had some heavy-ish bleeding start on Monday, didn't seem major so I called my doctor & they said just keep an eye on it & go to the ER if it gets severe. As of this afternoon I just started cramping badly, pouring blood everywhere and passing massive clots. I was bleeding so much I felt like I would pass out! My bathroom looks like a murder scene. H rushed me to the ER where the bleeding kept up & then I wound up having HORRIBLE contractions while my body was trying to push everything out! The pain meds they gave me weren't much help. My doctor finally arrives and tells me that I have "gestational trophoblastic disease" meaning cells in my uterus have multiplied like crazy & caused tumors. This is the result of my loss being a molar pregnancy. So they admitted me and I'll do another D&C tomorrow. They'll keep monitoring my HCG levels (currently around 2500) down to 0 and that should take care of everything. If the D&C doesn't get rid of everything and the tumors come back, or if my HCG levels won't go down to 0, I'll have to go through chemotherapy!

I'm so fucking overwhelmed with all of this right now and to make things worse my H had to leave to go into work because they have a huge project to finish this week. So now I'm alone and really anxious about tomorrow & what's to come in the next few weeks.

((Hugs)) so sorry you have to go through this. My T & P are with you hoping everything turns out good for you!

renbee · May 2014

Oh my gosh @mackenziesmama‌ I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Praying that your D&C goes smoothly and that you don't even get close to needing chemo! ((Hugs))

renbee · May 2014

Thank you so much @lisaren for starting this thread. I also tried joining in on ttcal and I'm not sure it's the right place for me yet.

I'm doing ok. Many days I feel completely back to normal. It's actually strange, I feel like I completely separated myself from the whole experience. My pregnancy and miscarriage seem like a dream, something that never happened, or something that happened to someone else. It's like I cut the last three months of my life out and just tucked it away in my mind. I'm not sure if this is a healthy or normal way to feel. I'm worried I'm suppressing it or something.

You all will probably think I'm a terrible person, but another part of me feels almost...relieved or something? It's hard to describe. The whole time I was pregnant, I was just constantly worried. Worried we weren't ready, worried I would miscarry bc of my pcos, worried about being a good mom, worried about arrangements for childcare, worried about everything. Now I don't have to worry. The worst case scenario happened. I don't have to stress about impending motherhood. I feel intense guilt for feeling this way. I loved my baby, and I wanted it so, so much. I want more than anything to be pregnant again. It's just a very complicated set of emotions. I hope I'm not alone in feeling this way...

Anyway, I'm still waiting for my first period post loss. I think it might be on it's way, I've got some major pms signs so we will see.

MollMoll4 · May 2014

@Aaren91011‌ You are not alone! I felt the same way with my last pregnancy. I was so freaked out about everything. I was devastated when I miscarried but at the same time felt that lame "everything happens for a reason" feeling about my situation. If that makes sense.

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