Men Say the Darndest Things

MrsCase1 · March 2014

Here is a conversation with my DH from yesterday:

Me: Pretty soon we'll have to figure out the logistics of the birth.

DH: What do you mean?

Me: Uh, like where Lincoln will go, etc.

DH: To the hospital with us, right?

Me: Um, no. #1 he is not allowed except to visit and #2 that would be very stressful and not fair to him.

DH: So what are we going to do?

Me: I think he will stay with my parents.

DH: And I will come visit?

Me: Uh, NO, you will be at the hospital assisting me with our child when not working. As for Lincoln, we have to decide if he spends the night with my parents or if you drop him off each day.

DH: WHAT? Work then get him dinner then ready for bed then ready and dropped off before work in the morning? That is IMPOSSIBLE!

Me: Uhhhhh, you realize working parents do these same things EVERY single day, right?

DH: Well, that's why you work from home! That's impossible and could never work!

*********************
Ladies, my husband has a new-found respect for those of you that work outside the home.

Please share your DH's latest epiphany with me!

SarahS11 · March 2014

I'm a little over 30 weeks and baby is lying transverse. The doctor thinks she is really long, too so it's not fun to sleep on my side.

Anyways, it is PAINFUL to lay down on my sides sometimes because it's like baby tries to scratch, punch, storm her way out of my body... She was really going at it last night, so I had DH put his hand under my belly between my belly and the bed. She would kick and punch so hard that I would flinch. After a really big one, DH turns to me with big eyes and goes "WHAT WAS THAT?"

Yup, welcome to my last few nights of trying to get some sleep!

ElTrain5 · March 2014

Kind of along the same topic:

https://horribletextsfrommypregnantwife.tumblr.com/

otter1103 · March 2014

Backstory- The Hubs is notorious for not responding to any text messages or calls in the window from him getting home from work and me getting home. He sent me a text last night about a carpet quote. I was stuck at a long traffic light a qtr mile from our house so didn't respond. Get home and he decides to razz me about not responding to him. Told him he should know I don't respond when I'm driving.
He said you have no reason, you have a built in shelf to just prop your phone on. As he gestures to my Bump...

*typo

hjl050308 · March 2014

With our first, when the doctor was talking about fundal height and where my uterus was, my husband gave her a strange look but thankfully stayed quiet. When we left the appointment he admitted that he thought the baby freely floated around in my stomach. He didn't understand it's placement in my uterus. He blamed his not knowing on going to an all buys catholic school thy didn't focus on bio classes.

ELC252011 · March 2014

hjl050308 said:

With our first, when the doctor was talking about fundal height and where my uterus was, my husband gave her a strange look but thankfully stayed quiet. When we left the appointment he admitted that he thought the baby freely floated around in my stomach. He didn't understand it's placement in my uterus. He blamed his not knowing on going to an all buys catholic school thy didn't focus on bio classes.

This My DH also thought the baby is free flowing in my stomach area, The other day he asked me if I was ever afraid the baby would kick my heart/lungs.....Yea I don't think he paid attention in Bio class,

kbellizio3 · March 2014

DH is notorious for making comments. 9 out of 10 times he's not completley serious. But some of them still make me eye roll. Two nights ago I told him I had picked up some baby wash/lotion because they were on sale and he looks at me and goes "Oh, I guess I'm going to have to figure out to wash this thing too right?" Uhhhh...and last night before pointing out how hairy my belly has gotten he goes "HOLY SH*T YOU'RE SO PREGNANT"...I really don't know what he expects. He also told me I'm not allowed to take a shower that's too hot (he likes lukewarm, I like really warm) because I'll run the risk of "overcooking" the baby.

rastrau · March 2014

We're taking LO overseas in the fall for a wedding and as I texted a friend about borrowing their infant travel bed DH says "why does the baby need a bed?" Um, to sleep in? Where did you think he was going to sleep? "I dunno - a dresser drawer or a box or something?" Doh!

This is not too long after I blew his mind about getting a passport for LO. "You need to get a baby a passport?! What for?"

Susanrush13 · March 2014

Bf: (after stepping on the scale and declaring "I lost weight again" going down to the low 140's) Hey we all weighed in, you wanna weigh in?

Me: No way.

Bf: Hey, weird question but how much do you weigh? People have asked me if you've gained weight this pregnancy and I just want to give them an accurate number

Me: It's none of their business what I weigh. I've put on about 30 lbs so far which is more than I wanted but I'm trying to not think about it. And if any of your friends ask how much I weigh now, you can tell them to go fuck themselves because that's rude.

So he then tried to guess and said he figured I was around 170 or so because he thought we were around the same weight when I got pregnant. I was more than his guess when I got pregnant

Convo ended in me crying and him getting red faced and apologizing and telling me we all love to eat so let's go get wendy's. He'll never ask me about my weight again!

MSUMands · March 2014

My DH was also asleep in biology class. He said something about "peeing on the baby" during birth like a baptism at one of our childbirth classes. Turns out he thought women peed out of their vagina. I didn't realize I was married to a 4 year old boy. DH: "So just how many holes ARE there!?"

PinkKEL9 · March 2014

My DH has been making jokes about "sharing" the breast milk with baby. He is a big workout junky and says he could put it in his protein shakes. I've just been telling him he is stupid and ignoring him. 8-|

The other day we met with a pediatrician and she was talking to us about bfing and how it is hard in the beginning, don't give up etc. After the meeting DH told me he didn't know it would be hard/hurt and he felt bad about joking about using some of it. Ha! At least he understands now.

cMichelle0423 · March 2014

DH seems to think he's going to avoid seeing all of the "grossness" of child birth... he wasn't there for DS1's birth, but he is pretty convinced that if he just stands up by my head, he won't have to witness any blood or anything else... All I could tell him was "good luck with that"

Also, he was convinced that an epidural was just a shot...

JujuB22 · March 2014

"I've never cheered someone on to poop before" DH

It's been 3 days

gregsgurl81304 · March 2014

Just got my license renewed and had to have my picture taken because my previous license was from out of state. Anyways, DH mentions that I will always have a special reminder of being pregnant because I got my new license with pregnant face.

Thank you for reminding me my face is getting fat.

steprozz · March 2014

gregsgurl81304 said:
Just got my license renewed and had to have my picture taken because my previous license was from out of state. Anyways, DH mentions that I will always have a special reminder of being pregnant because I got my new license with pregnant face.
Thank you for reminding me my face is getting fat.

I had to do that too during my last pregnancy and DH pretty much said the same thing! I hate my pregnant license picture :-q

ddd2 · March 2014

I told my hubby the plan to invite his nan to see the baby would be for after we got out of the hospital. Why limit seeing the baby to visiting hours. He said " why can't people just come see me and the baby while you recover in the hospital?" Lmao he actually thought that he could go home with the baby before I am released..

MrsCase1 · March 2014

I also had to get my license while pregnant. 9 months to be exact. I look like a cow, lol!!

Ba1erina88 · March 2014

DH: After you go into labor I'll drop you off at the hospital and come back and seal the grout in the bathroom. I'll be back before the baby is born.

Ummm....what!? He'll no!

jacksoha · March 2014

DH is a police officer and so we were talking about what I should if I go into labor and he is at work and doesn't answer his phone. He said,

"Call dispatch (the people who take 911 calls) and tell them to radio out to me so I can meet you at the hospital."

I went "MEET you at the hospital....ummm you will be coming home to pick me up!."

His response, "Oh, I just thought you would drive yourself."

Thankfully, I was able to make him understand that unless it is in an emergency I do not plan on driving myself to the hospital.

SandraPB1220 · March 2014

These are hilarious! My husband works 3-11 evening shift and I do straight nights. Normally DH is in school during morning hours, but took this semester off to get the house ready for the girls.
So his sleep schedule has slowly been adjusting more to mine, staying up until 4-5 am and getting up around 12-1. He said to me the other day, "I can't wait for the girls to get here so I can get back to my normal sleep schedule." Normal?!? Hahahaha, there will be NOTHING normal about our sleep schedule with two babies!!

ElTrain5 · March 2014

@jacksoha @charsamm totally have him take you in the cruiser (just throw a blanket down first!) my dad was a cop back in the day, and when my mom was in labor with me they got stuck behind an accident on the way to the hospital. He had to pull some jack Bauer moves on the median to get there in time so I wasn't born in the back of a dodge Datsun. I imagine you would not have that problem with lights and sirens!

mrscbrad · March 2014

So it isn't my H but I told my 12 year old stepson that while I don't want him in the delivery room for obvious reasons it's really important to us that after the baby has done skin to skin and nursed that he join us before any other family members do. He said "Why not after it's just over why does the baby have to eat first?" I told him that I think the first time nursing wasn't a good time to have a lot of people around and I'm really not into him seeing my boobs. He looked horrified! He said "Oh My God! Is that what they eat?! I thought you would feed him pears or something. " um. No, Son, we won't be feeding the baby pears an hour after delivery.

jacksoha · March 2014

@CharSamm just tell him he can only bring the cruiser if you can ride up front

ElTrain5 going in a cruiser would definitely prevent us from getting stuck in traffic! Especially since our hospital is 20 to 25 minutes away

Erica621 · March 2014

I just asked DH what is going to happen if I go into labor in the middle of the night and need to go to the hospital while he's at work. His response: "Just call me and I'll meet you at the hospital." Oh yea because that's a great idea for me to drive myself there while in labor...

Erica621 · March 2014

@jacksoha‌ I guess our DH's think alike

@CharSamm‌ I also got the response of him wanting to take me in the cruiser if he was to come and get me.

chickpea912 · March 2014

I have no idea if DH's humor will translate here, but I find him fucking hilarious and so I'm usually okay when he posts shit like this on FB (with this caption:)

Um, chickpea912 (he obviously uses my name). We need to have a serious chat about M's bedtime reading...

steprozz · March 2014

omg @chickpea912‌ I'm fucking dead. that is hilarious.

chickpea912 · March 2014

For the record, he proposed it to me as a joke, I "double dog dared" him, and he excitedly ran off.

Also - Journey is AMAZING. No words. Beautiful. Great book.

Someone commented on Facebook, "Really!?!?!"..... REALLY??? No, my 3 1/2 year old doesn't read Mein Kampf. Jeez.

ElTrain5 · March 2014

chickpea912 said:
For the record, he proposed it to me as a joke, I "double dog dared" him, and he excitedly ran off.

Also - Journey is AMAZING. No words. Beautiful. Great book.

Someone commented on Facebook, "Really!?!?!"..... REALLY??? No, my 3 1/2 year old doesn't read Mein Kampf. Jeez.

I was gonna say, that's gotta be at least at a fifth grade level...

izzetoot · March 2014

My DHs brother is getting married the last week of August in CO so we have planned to take a long 4 day weekend trip and have my parents watch the little guy. (I should preface this by saying IF I will be able to part with him for that long bc he will only be about 3 months old, we'll see how it goes...) So, I over heard my DH talking to his best friend who lives in Ohio and told him we were going to the wedding an that maybe afterwards we could fly to Ohio for a few days and make a double trip out of it. When he got off the phone I just stared at him. He seriously thinks we can just tack on another 4 days to our mini vacay 3 months after I give birth? So... my parents are just going to watch a newborn/ take off work for 8 days? Im just going to pump and throw out a weeks worth of milk or try to smuggle it in a suit case while we galavant across the country? And we're just going to call and check in on the little guy and make sure he slept and ate? Like a pet?

yayksimp · March 2014

mrscbrad said:

So it isn't my H but I told my 12 year old stepson that while I don't want him in the delivery room for obvious reasons it's really important to us that after the baby has done skin to skin and nursed that he join us before any other family members do. He said "Why not after it's just over why does the baby have to eat first?" I told him that I think the first time nursing wasn't a good time to have a lot of people around and I'm really not into him seeing my boobs. He looked horrified! He said "Oh My God! Is that what they eat?! I thought you would feed him pears or something. " um. No, Son, we won't be feeding the baby pears an hour after delivery.

This had me ROLLING. Pears. That is totally priceless.

mikmama · March 2014

My brother-in-law was talking about my sister's experience breast feeding to DH and me, and DH's eyes got real big. He looked and me and said, "wait a minute, you plan on LIVE breast feeding?"

Me: "Well, yeah of course, what do you mean?"

DH: "I thought they had machines for that these days."

[-(

Jazznit1984 · March 2014

Best. Thread. Ever.

vixey · March 2014

H thought babies were potty trained by the time they turned one.

chickpea912 · March 2014

vixey said:

H thought babies were potty trained by the time they turned one.

Oy, well, maybe he's been having conversations with someone who is into Elimination Communication?

hubbs173 · March 2014

This thread is hilarious!!
DH said to me awhile ago when I was still pregnant, "does everything go back to normal down there?!" I told him yes eventually but don't plan on getting any for awhile! Now that I've given birth, I told him don't even look at it or even think about it for a very long time, even after I have my 6 week recheck and get cleared! He looked really disappointed but brightened up when I said there's always bj's!!!

MNOpea · March 2014

This was during my first pregnancy not this one but there was a few times when DH would be feeling my stomach for baby kicks, when DS1 would kick he would look at me excitedly and exclaim "Did you feel that?!" Um..yes honey I did feel the baby kick ME..thanks for checking

Ekg688 · March 2014

I recently splurged and bought a pair of pricey maternity jeans. Literally my favorite pair of jeans I've ever owned. EVER. The convo the first time I wore them
DH: Are those new jeans? They look really good.

ME: *in shock* YES! THANKS!

DH: Are they maternity?

ME: Yes, but the so nice you can't even tell!

DH: Yeah they're pretty nice! They just make you look chunky instead of pregnant.

Apparently that was supposed to be a compliment! I wanted to slap him lol

pcourtade · April 2014

My husband thought that the doctor would pull out all of my intestines during my c section and put them on me........no idea where he got that one from.

wtfisup · April 2014

pcourtade said:
My husband thought that the doctor would pull out all of my intestines during my c section and put them on me........no idea where he got that one from.

Is he thinking of ... autopsies?

pcourtade · April 2014

wtfisup said:

pcourtade said:
My husband thought that the doctor would pull out all of my intestines during my c section and put them on me........no idea where he got that one from.
Is he thinking of ... autopsies?

Haha, I asked him about it and he said that two guys at his work said that they pulled out their wives insides. Maybe they were just trying to scare him? If so, it was pretty cruel, poor guy was freaked out.

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