March 2014 Moms
lopezalonso
member
MIL blowout - LONG
lopezalonso
member
I have always experienced my MIL as a bit abrasive and intrusive but I also knew that while she is a bit socially inept, she means well and really cares for her family and me. Before LO came along the most annoying thing she would do would be call and text me very late and then keep me on the phone for hours trapped in a circular conversation. She also demanded that I call her "mom," which I told her I was uncomfortable with since I call my own mom, "mom."
Well... flash forward to the past month. DH and I bought a house in the same town as my in laws and we are about a mile away. Since DD was born 2 weeks ago she has been obsessed with being here every day and I don't want that. I was experiencing baby blues the first week and after her staying in my house with visitors until 8pm the day I got home from the hospital and me breaking down crying I wanted some space. I told her this but no matter how much I try to communicate this nicely she just keeps coming!
The other day she called and when I answered the first thing she said was, "Oh, I'm just looking at the deer in your backyard. They're so beautiful!" To which I responded, "What are you doing in my backyard?!" and she said "Oh, I came to see if you wanted me to buy diapers" (we had talked the day before about me needing diapers soon). CREEPY. Don't call me when you're already on my property, call before you come! Isn't this common knowledge??? Well yesterday she knew my mom was visiting and she texted me to ask for a picture of the baby, then she texted me to say she felt unwelcome, then she called me while I was nursing and I couldn't answer and literally seconds later I hear a knock on the door. I thought, Are you f*cking kidding me?! I go to the door with DD in my arms, still suckling at my breast and she comes in, grabs the garbage from my kitchen and says she's here to take out my garbage and clean my cat litter. WHAT. THE. F*CK. I tell her she doesn't have to do that because it's DH's responsibility and she says she wants to because it's the only way she feels useful. Then (let's make a long story short), I tell her that it's weird that she's coming over unannounced to "take out my garbage and clean my cat litter." She complains that she has only held the baby for 5 minutes this week and that her son will never invite her over so if I don't no one ever will. She talks about my mom being able to see the baby.. Ummm, my mom saw the baby for the exact amount of time and my mom is MY MOM! I personally prefer to be taken care of by my mother than my husband's mother. Why doesn't she get that? She pretty much had a temper tantrum, told me to not tell DH about this, and walked out while I was talking.
Anyway, I talked to my dad and brother about this and sent her a text message saying that it's better if we put this behind us and stop trying to talk it out because that's obviously not working. I invited her over for today (I know I know but I need to have some sort of peace with the in laws or my life will be horrible) and she sent me the lengthiest response about how she's walking on egg shells with me and her in laws never had to do that. They could hold her babies and come over whenever. Good for you. I'm not you. She's literally obsessed with being at my house and then she comes and stares at the baby and cries. That doesn't help me! ARGHHH!!! DH says to let her come over whenever because he rather have a full house than headaches... that doesn't help me.
Well, sorry for the rant but I figured that no one would understand me better than a group of women with LO's who may also be dealing with similar issues... GOSH, any advice on how to deal with this? I've been direct and that doesn't work. DH won't say anything. I'm at a loss and I am starting to resent her for taking time away from me and my baby.
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Re: MIL blowout - LONG
you poor thing that sounds just awful! you should be enjoying your time with LO not worrying about all of this. she sounds like she has some issues of her own unrelated to you that she needs to work out.
I would suggest setting aside just one day a week for company, on a day when your DH will be home. invite her and anyone else that you want to have visit, and maybe give her a weeks notice so she can look forward to that day instead of wondering each day and stressing out when she will see your LO.
I would ask DH to talk to her about how you are busy taking care of LO and you both need time to adjust to your new routine and bond. Have him set some boundaries....no showing up uninvited, no calls past 7 pm (or whatever). if she can't respect those rules don't answer the door or your phone when she breaks them. it sounds harsh but it might be the best way to get the message across....everyone is happier when boundaries are respected! it will be nicer for the both of you when her visits are a blessing not a burden. good luck!
Seriously though - boundaries have to be set. I've learned when it comes to my babies, I don't really care whose feelings are hurt. My babies are most important. You will be much better for your baby if you aren't so stressed dealing with this! Hopefully your hubby will get on board and stand up to his mother for you. Sorry you have to deal with this :-/
My MIL reminds me of Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond - but we are the perfect distance away. They don't stay the night ever and they don't come that often :-)
But your baby is still so brand new, you don't need this added stress while you're trying to bond and get a routine down. Let her call and knock at the door, just don't answer. She clearly doesn't care about how she's coming across to you or the added stress she's putting on you, so don't you worry about sparing her feelings.
DS #2 - 4/2/14
@YankeePeach08 said it all so I have nothing to add. That's pretty much my list of go to's when mil texts me on a daily basis asking what time she can come over.
My MILs (yes I have two ) one brings dinner two nights a week and the other cuddles LO so I can sleep. My mum comes for dinner and cleans and then holds LO. They only stay for about three hours , come at 5 and leave when DH comes home.
Might help as they can expect when they get to see your LO and you get some help that you actually want around the house.
Fingers crossed for you!