MIL blowout - LONG

lopezalonso · March 2014

I have always experienced my MIL as a bit abrasive and intrusive but I also knew that while she is a bit socially inept, she means well and really cares for her family and me. Before LO came along the most annoying thing she would do would be call and text me very late and then keep me on the phone for hours trapped in a circular conversation. She also demanded that I call her "mom," which I told her I was uncomfortable with since I call my own mom, "mom."

Well... flash forward to the past month. DH and I bought a house in the same town as my in laws and we are about a mile away. Since DD was born 2 weeks ago she has been obsessed with being here every day and I don't want that. I was experiencing baby blues the first week and after her staying in my house with visitors until 8pm the day I got home from the hospital and me breaking down crying I wanted some space. I told her this but no matter how much I try to communicate this nicely she just keeps coming!

The other day she called and when I answered the first thing she said was, "Oh, I'm just looking at the deer in your backyard. They're so beautiful!" To which I responded, "What are you doing in my backyard?!" and she said "Oh, I came to see if you wanted me to buy diapers" (we had talked the day before about me needing diapers soon). CREEPY. Don't call me when you're already on my property, call before you come! Isn't this common knowledge??? Well yesterday she knew my mom was visiting and she texted me to ask for a picture of the baby, then she texted me to say she felt unwelcome, then she called me while I was nursing and I couldn't answer and literally seconds later I hear a knock on the door. I thought, Are you f*cking kidding me?! I go to the door with DD in my arms, still suckling at my breast and she comes in, grabs the garbage from my kitchen and says she's here to take out my garbage and clean my cat litter. WHAT. THE. F*CK. I tell her she doesn't have to do that because it's DH's responsibility and she says she wants to because it's the only way she feels useful. Then (let's make a long story short), I tell her that it's weird that she's coming over unannounced to "take out my garbage and clean my cat litter." She complains that she has only held the baby for 5 minutes this week and that her son will never invite her over so if I don't no one ever will. She talks about my mom being able to see the baby.. Ummm, my mom saw the baby for the exact amount of time and my mom is MY MOM! I personally prefer to be taken care of by my mother than my husband's mother. Why doesn't she get that? She pretty much had a temper tantrum, told me to not tell DH about this, and walked out while I was talking.

Anyway, I talked to my dad and brother about this and sent her a text message saying that it's better if we put this behind us and stop trying to talk it out because that's obviously not working. I invited her over for today (I know I know but I need to have some sort of peace with the in laws or my life will be horrible) and she sent me the lengthiest response about how she's walking on egg shells with me and her in laws never had to do that. They could hold her babies and come over whenever. Good for you. I'm not you. She's literally obsessed with being at my house and then she comes and stares at the baby and cries. That doesn't help me! ARGHHH!!! DH says to let her come over whenever because he rather have a full house than headaches... that doesn't help me.

Well, sorry for the rant but I figured that no one would understand me better than a group of women with LO's who may also be dealing with similar issues... GOSH, any advice on how to deal with this? I've been direct and that doesn't work. DH won't say anything. I'm at a loss and I am starting to resent her for taking time away from me and my baby.

TX08Aggie · March 2014

Change your locks...

lopezalonso · March 2014

@TX08Aggle HA! She doesn't have a key... she just stands outside my door. This is worse than the in law issue in Everybody Loves Raymond. DH's cousin was right when she warned me to not buy a house near my MIL.

kimberpoo · March 2014

you poor thing that sounds just awful! you should be enjoying your time with LO not worrying about all of this. she sounds like she has some issues of her own unrelated to you that she needs to work out.

I would suggest setting aside just one day a week for company, on a day when your DH will be home. invite her and anyone else that you want to have visit, and maybe give her a weeks notice so she can look forward to that day instead of wondering each day and stressing out when she will see your LO.

I would ask DH to talk to her about how you are busy taking care of LO and you both need time to adjust to your new routine and bond. Have him set some boundaries....no showing up uninvited, no calls past 7 pm (or whatever). if she can't respect those rules don't answer the door or your phone when she breaks them. it sounds harsh but it might be the best way to get the message across....everyone is happier when boundaries are respected! it will be nicer for the both of you when her visits are a blessing not a burden. good luck!

DTNZ4Ever · March 2014

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It sucks that DH won't step up. Can you possible just set up one day a week that your MIL can come over and make it a scheduled day. You and her can agree to that day. Also prior to that day you can text her anything you need her to do/bring. So she can come by every Wednesday on Tuesday you will text her if you need diapers milk etc. that way she is feeling needed and helpful. Plus if it's scheduled you will not be caught off guard. Also on Wednesday ask her to fold laundry or dust etc if she wants to help out.

TX08Aggie · March 2014

I thought I had issues. I couldn't imagine anyone doing that. Although, honestly it sounds like DH's grandma. She would use binoculars to look at SIL's house in the morning. They decided to move when she commented that she saw BIL pee off the porch every morning...

Seriously though - boundaries have to be set. I've learned when it comes to my babies, I don't really care whose feelings are hurt. My babies are most important. You will be much better for your baby if you aren't so stressed dealing with this! Hopefully your hubby will get on board and stand up to his mother for you. Sorry you have to deal with this :-/

My MIL reminds me of Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond - but we are the perfect distance away. They don't stay the night ever and they don't come that often :-)

lopezalonso · March 2014

We already have a day a week set up, Sundays (so that the grandfathers can come too) but that isn't enough for her. She said I am "her only daughter" and that she wants to do for me what her mother did for her and her sister. Well, I have my own mother... I really wish she got that. I have even told her that. She wants to come do stuff for me but I feel weird saying, "do my laundry" or "clean my bathroom." I don't have that kind of relationship with her. I told her that when I go back to work she will be taking care of DD (2.5 days a week) and she will have her fill then. Her response, "I could be dead by then." EYE ROLL.

BTW, she was like this when the baby was only a week old. Seriously... she couldn't stay away for a week???

YankeePeach08 · March 2014

don't answer her texts, calls or the door if it isn't convenient for her.

-you were in bed nursing and coudn't get up to get the door.

-you set your phone down and didn't hear it.

-you were in the shower and didn't hear the doorbell

-the door bell "accidentally" broke

-you were napping and didn't hear the door

-you were masturbating and didn't want to stop to answer the door...there are plenty of excuses for her to NOT be let in.

IF you have explained to her that she is coming over too much and you need space it is time to show her by not letting her in. Also, like you have already done set up pre-determined times for her to come over and help. You don't have to let her into your house even if she is standing at your door in the rain.

bingbongsmama · March 2014

She is just bazare. Don't know how else to put it. Yikes. Glad you at least have your family for support, I guess it would be worse to be alone in the midst of her nuttiness.

But your baby is still so brand new, you don't need this added stress while you're trying to bond and get a routine down. Let her call and knock at the door, just don't answer. She clearly doesn't care about how she's coming across to you or the added stress she's putting on you, so don't you worry about sparing her feelings.

hisbeautyalways · March 2014

Yikes. You need your husband on your side here.

kimberpoo · March 2014

YankeePeach08 yes yes yes.

sebullows · March 2014

I love your everybody loves Raymond comparison. I loved that show before I met DH, now I can't watch it because I feel like I'm looking into a mirror image of my life.
@YankeePeach08‌ said it all so I have nothing to add. That's pretty much my list of go to's when mil texts me on a daily basis asking what time she can come over.

fish8412 · March 2014

How awful! I am sorry you are dealing with this with a newborn. She needs to get a life!! I think you should turn your phone off or ignore her texts/calls. Don't answer the door when she comes. If you have a doorbell, it can be uninstalled. Your husband needs to support you and talk to his mom about this.

MeggsM · March 2014

What about giving her a job that is just hers- like she does all the baby laundry every two days. When she brings it back she gets to hold LO while you eat lunch or something.

My MILs (yes I have two ) one brings dinner two nights a week and the other cuddles LO so I can sleep. My mum comes for dinner and cleans and then holds LO. They only stay for about three hours , come at 5 and leave when DH comes home.

Might help as they can expect when they get to see your LO and you get some help that you actually want around the house.

Fingers crossed for you!

Yenemous · March 2014

I understand how you feel! My MIL lives five minutes from us (we were here first btw, she's the one who moved down the road from us...sigh) and she stops by on her way home from work at least twice a week and usually once on the weekends. Believe me, it does get annoying having her here so much but I kind of feel bad for her. She doesn't have any daughters and sometimes I think MILs get the shaft because we'd rather have our own moms around instead. I definitely feel that way. I could see my mom every day but MIL gets on my nerves coming so much. She doesn't get to have that mother/daughter bond though so I feel guilty not letting her see my son whenever she wants. Plus I'm grateful that she wants to see him so much and be such a big part of his life. That said, I give her chores while she's here. She will feed him or bathe him or something like that. By the time the bath or feeding is done she's usually ready to leave. We both win this way. She gets to see her grandson and I get a break for a few minutes. Believe me, I understand your frustration but maybe you could try something like that. It works for us!

lopezalonso · March 2014

I have been delaying my responses to her calls/texts and sometimes not answering entirely but she just doesn't get it. I seriously think there's a social issue here. I am not the only one that experiences her as intrusive. Even people at church look at me and say, "oh, SHE'S your MIL?" and then give me the eye. Like there's a secret about her we both share and words need not be spoken. I guess I have no choice but to keep up my behavioral intervention and not answer all her texts/calls and then set up a specific day for her to help. I called her at 11 today like she asked so she could visit the baby and she didn't answer. I left her a vmail for proof. I don't know whether she didn't see the call or is just being passive aggressive.

YankeePeach08 · March 2014

lopezalonso said:

I have been delaying my responses to her calls/texts and sometimes not answering entirely but she just doesn't get it. I seriously think there's a social issue here. I am not the only one that experiences her as intrusive. Even people at church look at me and say, "oh, SHE'S your MIL?" and then give me the eye. Like there's a secret about her we both share and words need not be spoken. I guess I have no choice but to keep up my behavioral intervention and not answer all her texts/calls and then set up a specific day for her to help. I called her at 11 today like she asked so she could visit the baby and she didn't answer. I left her a vmail for proof. I don't know whether she didn't see the call or is just being passive aggressive.

she was probably masturbating and didn't want to stop

)

Just kidding, but lots of hugs to you. It does sound like you are doing a lot and she is missing the part of her brain that would normally tell people her behavior is too much.

I would just be consistent with her. If you tell her she can't come at a certain time or without calling first then absolutely do NOT open the door for her, just ignore it. Also, use specific examples when talking with her.

Good Luck!!

lopezalonso · March 2014

@YankeePeach08‌ HAHAHA!!! I sure hope she is... She needs to unwind! Oh man, I highly doubt it though. The devout catholic in her would say that's a sin.

ring_pop · March 2014

Think about changing the way you communicate with her and the messages you convey. She's obviously not thinking rationally, so you'll never succeed at making her see things your way.

Don't argue, don't engage. It gives her a chance to whine and complain, which is just a waste of your time and energy.

Do show that you empathize with her feelings (you don't have to agree) but then just keep it short and sweet - "I know you want to see your grandchild, but we have already set up time for you to see her every week." The end. Avoid trying to justify yourself because you'll never win.

Oh, and I agree... your DH absolutely needs to be on board. His current strategy is BS IMHO.

Good luck!

clo1982 · March 2014

Omg @YankeePeach08‌ your last excuse killed me! I scanned through it then went back like 'whaaaaatttt??' Anyway op that is friggin weird behavior by your mil! First, hubby needs to gather up his big boy pants and go ahead and put them on. If he is not home during the day it is not your job to cater to his mom so he can avoid an awkward talk. It's nice that she wants to help and all but dropping by and/or blowing up your phone is just plain rude. I honestly don't think there is any need to make excuses with her (unless you want to use the masturbating one, which is fabulous!). I vote to just be honest that you truly appreciate her help and love that she wants to be an involved grandparent...BUT you need some level of privacy in your home and EXPECT notice when she is coming, regardless of why she is coming.its not you trying to keep her from the baby, it's just asking for a bit of courtesy. And dh needs to be on board. You and the baby are his primary family now and your feelings don't get pushed to the back burner in order to spare his mom's.

Grenagh · March 2014

My mil runs the risk of being quite like this and my strategy is to invite her over about twice a week and to give her the baby where possible when she arrives but refuse all other visits. That way she gets what she wants and knows that time with baby is coming so she doesn't panic and get all hysterical, but she stays out of my hair the rest of the time. Prevention is better than cure with certain mils in my book. Hope it gets better for you! You husband needs to support you though in whatever strategy you decide and show a united front!

megs68 · March 2014

This behavior and your relationship will not improve when your MIL is your childcare provider half the time! I would have a serious talk with DH if you still think that will work out after you've seen a glimpse of her lack of boundaries and passive aggressive behavior.

lopezalonso · March 2014

Grenagh says, invite her over on my terms to let her have her fix of DD and hope she stays away on other days.

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