Hypothetical Dildo Question

tinyhumantoe · March 2014

It's not about me. I swear. No, really.

What advice would you give to a woman whose husband who found her vibrator, and was completely shocked. Exclaimed, "what the fuck is this?!" and she replied, "uh, a vibrator duh."

Then he told her it's filthy and sick, that he was beyond disgusted, and ordered her to get it out of the house and never bring anything like it back in. He said a lot of shitty things, like he doesn't want that stuff around his kids, he guarantees his mom never had anything like that, etc. Then he cold shouldered her for a week. She asked if he ever masturbates, and he said yes, but he doesn't "use anything like that."

Just looking for some good points or advice here. And really, it's not about me. DH knows my inventory and uses. :-p

tinyhumantoe · March 2014

And I fully realize that there are multiple reasons he may feel disgusted. His upbringing, beliefs, feeling like she's choosing it over him, etc.

Obviously counseling would be a good avenue, but I don't think it's likely they will go that route.

Holly_1007 · March 2014

I think it's weird that they are married and have kids and he never knew she had it? DH is well aware of what is in my drawer. Maybe he just can't get past the deception part of it?

tinyhumantoe · March 2014

I do too, but do you think she should have told him about it? I think it's more than the deception. He is a prude.

She tried to improve their intimate life a couple years ago, because he's an inexperienced lover (get on top, pump, get off 30 seconds later). He's not interested in trying to extend the experience for her (foreplay, or slowing down to delay coming), and he won't do oral because he says it's disgusting.

There isn't an underlying religious conflict here.

Nita2603 · March 2014

He ordered her to get it out of the house? My problem starts there.

My advice would be to ask him to go see someone or fucking leave him. He clearly doesn't care to improve the sexual experience for her and now she can't take care of herself the way she likes either?!
Yeah. No. He sounds like an asshole.

Hyaline · March 2014

I'd give him time to cool off, first. Though I think it's completely within her rights to own and use a dildo, I can also kind of see how it would be a shock to discover that your wife had one and masturbated if you truly never considered the idea. And, yeah, that if you felt that using sex aids was "wrong" that it would be hurtful to realize it was happening under your nose all along. I disagree with his assessment, but I think his feelings are valid. Because that's feelings for you--irrational but valid.

Then I think I'd open the conversation in as neutral a territory as possible to discuss and establish what, exactly, he believes is acceptable and what is "sick" in terms of human sexuality. NOT to adhere to it, just to understand him, and NOT to argue with him. Once I saw his viewpoint, I'd figure out where to go from there--if it was something that didn't bother me to both agree to stick to (ie, we don't use sex aids in masturbation because it makes the other feel inadequate or whatever) then no harm, no foul. Mutual respect and all that jazz. But if he had different ideals for me vs him? That would take some more serious conversation and potentially counselling given that I would see it as reflecting notions about women and sexuality that I could not, personally, live with.

Hyaline · March 2014

***I would also be asking at this point if this is his usual conflict resolution tactic--ordering her to do something, berating her, and then cold-shouldering her. My response is based on this being out of character because he acted before thinking in a state of "HOLY SHIT that's a dildo." Not that it makes it ok, but it's different if this is his normal reaction to disagreeing with her--if this is his argument MO, they need counseling, because it's not ok.

tinyhumantoe · March 2014

@hyaline I'm with you on all points.

There seems to be more than one issue here. My first thought was that I would feel gross and ashamed if my DH had such a terrible reaction to something related to my sexuality. He wouldn't even look at her. I would feel betrayed by him. You're never supposed to treat your spouse like that, regardless of the situation. Gross.

She seems to be mostly past being belittled. She hid her vibrator in a better place and is just at a loss for how to handle the situation, so it's stringing along with him not even looking at her. I think a talk to find out why he feels that way is the first step, then move from there.

I really could not take my husband seriously if he felt this way. I would just think...gee, you should have never married a crass broad like me, you dumbass.

watercolor5 · March 2014

His reaction toward her is a way bigger problem to me than the fact he was shocked by her owning a dildo. I think your friend needs to start by communicating with her husband. Once he's cooled down a bit, see why he reacted so violently, why he thought it was ok to say shitty things to her, and why the cold shoulder for so long. Why is he so disgusted by it? Seems like your friend may have thought he would have a strong reaction if she kept it from him though.

I agree with hyaline that if that's his normal way of reacting to conflict, they need counseling for sure. If it's not his norm, then he has some kind of issue for reacting so strongly to one little sex toy.

tinyhumantoe · March 2014

watercolor5 said:

His reaction toward her is a way bigger problem to me than the fact he was shocked by her owning a dildo. I think your friend needs to start by communicating with her husband. Once he's cooled down a bit, see why he reacted so violently, why he thought it was ok to say shitty things to her, and why the cold shoulder for so long. Why is he so disgusted by it? Seems like your friend may have thought he would have a strong reaction if she kept it from him though.

I agree with hyaline that if that's his normal way of reacting to conflict, they need counseling for sure. If it's not his norm, then he has some kind of issue for reacting so strongly to one little sex toy.

On the bolded - maybe, but I've always hid mine. In my case it's out of embarrassment and my weirdness with sexual stuff. DH found it when I left it out, and luckily he was hilarious about the whole thing. I guess if he had some aversion to that kind of thing, I could have been in a similar situation.

BillyMollyEmmy · March 2014

Did she not test drive the car before she bought it off the lot? Their sex life sounds like a 25 cent kiddie ride at the mall. Yikes.

OceanLover26 · March 2014

I would advise my friend to seek counseling for their marriage. 1. For the sexual side of things because she is unsatisfied and he's not willing to satisfy her. 2. Because he belittled her and acted shitty over this whole thing. 3. He must have mommy issues to be like "my mom never needed one". How the hell does he know that? His mom could have been screwing the neighbor for all he knows.

I'm not saying it wasn't okay for him to be shocked over it. Sure, it made him uncomfortable, but why can't he just talk to the woman he loves about this with respect? Why get shitty and dramatic? I just think it deserves some counseling to get it all ironed out.

BillyMollyEmmy · March 2014

I'll admit... the first thing that popped into my head was that he may have been jealous of the ... ahem... size of the dildo.

MarisaKathleen · March 2014

I have nothing constructive to add to this. Here are the questions that were generated in my head while I read this:

1. did they not have sex before they got married?

2. is he jealous of the size of her toy? (great minds think alike @billymollyemmy!)

3. what kind of guy would say "my mom never needed one" to his wife? that's a whole lot of issues rolled up into 1 if you ask me.

All in all, the guy sounds like a d-bag. Are you friends with just the wife, or with them as a couple @THT?

BillyMollyEmmy · March 2014

MarisaKathleen said:

I have nothing constructive to add to this. Here are the questions that were generated in my head while I read this:

1. did they not have sex before they got married?
2. is he jealous of the size of her toy? (great minds think alike @billymollyemmy!)
3. what kind of guy would say "my mom never needed one" to his wife? that's a whole lot of issues rolled up into 1 if you ask me.

All in all, the guy sounds like a d-bag. Are you friends with just the wife, or with them as a couple @THT?

OMG I missed the part where he said his mom never needed one.

This is on an entirely different level of creepy for me now.

tinyhumantoe · March 2014

BillyMollyEmmy said:

I'll admit... the first thing that popped into my head was that he may have been jealous of the ... ahem... size of the dildo.

It's big. It's from pure romance, the daddy from the natty. A friend recommended it to me at a PR party, then later I told her to get that one when she asked. I looked at it today and it is pretty horrifying.

tinyhumantoe · March 2014

MarisaKathleen said:

I have nothing constructive to add to this. Here are the questions that were generated in my head while I read this:

1. did they not have sex before they got married?
2. is he jealous of the size of her toy? (great minds think alike @billymollyemmy!)
3. what kind of guy would say "my mom never needed one" to his wife? that's a whole lot of issues rolled up into 1 if you ask me.

All in all, the guy sounds like a d-bag. Are you friends with just the wife, or with them as a couple @THT?

I'm friends with the wife. She was my roommate in college and is my BFF though we live in different states. She's kind of trapped in the city, with no good girlfriends. Sigh.

1. Yes, but there were other things that would have glossed over that issue. She is a farm girl that moved to the city and got into pharma. He was the 'catch' and high up in her company. I think it was always vanilla, but more exciting for other reasons.

She gained some weight after baby #1 and that's when his fitness asshole side really came out. He's a complete jerk about body image and always seemed to one-up her about his success vs hers. I've always gotten the feeling that he's so peroccupied with himself to be proud of his wife.

Actually, he was an asshole about the wedding planning too. He's a douche. He wanted everything to be elegant for his affluent family and their friends. I wasn't in the wedding and he asked her to tell me to keep a formal presence at the wedding and avoid the bar. She told me I should get drunk and come out of the bathroom with my dress tucked in my underwear. That should have been a huge red flag, and I think it was, but she felt panicked and in too deep.

2. Maybe

3. She has told me before that he thinks his mom walks on water, and he would be thrilled if she were a mirror image. It's funny because his mom is dumpy and extremely overweight, so I wonder why he's so hard on his wife about her weight. He bought her a personal trainer for her birthday. It wasn't a heartfelt gesture, trust me.

BillyMollyEmmy · March 2014

This is incredible.

Also, I wanted a giant dildo pre-baby... now the thought of that terrifies me haha

tinyhumantoe · March 2014

@billymollyemmy it's very soft, and the girth isn't giant. Actually, what goes in isn't that big, it's the battery pack that makes it look a million inches long. And the rabbit-faced clit tickler looks terrifying, haha. I'd recommend that one though, unless you're living in a banned dildo household.

BillyMollyEmmy · March 2014

origamipoppy said:

Ok, I retract my more polite statement. That guy needs to get kicked in the nuts. Repeatedly. And holy Oedipal Complex.

haha

I'm the king's 32nd son... born to him in 30 seconds time... anyone know this song? Just me? Carry on.

tinyhumantoe · March 2014

@origamipoppy I'm embarrassed that I had to google that, but glad I learned something new.

I think part of the reason I am having trouble giving her advice is because this is part of a larger problem, and I don't think it can be fixed. He is an asshole down to his bones, and that is really the problem. I never speak negatively about him because it's disrespectful and not my business. I follow her lead.

My DH thinks he is an asshole, without knowing anything about how much of an asshole he really is, and DH likes everyone.

Hyaline · March 2014

Yeah, as context of a larger issue--she needs to seek some help. If he won't go with her, she should go on her own.

Hyaline · March 2014

PS While I get where ya'll are coming from with the "didn't they have sex before marriage," the attitude is a little judgy. I know plenty of happily married, functional couples who waited until marriage for sex. DH and I were engaged and only a few months out from the wedding our first time. I'm not judging you if you chose to get down with it right off the bat, so don't judge others who chose to wait. Different strokes. Well, different timing of strokes, really.

BillyMollyEmmy · March 2014

tinyhumantoe said:

@billymollyemmy it's very soft, and the girth isn't giant. Actually, what goes in isn't that big, it's the battery pack that makes it look a million inches long. And the rabbit-faced clit tickler looks terrifying, haha. I'd recommend that one though, unless you're living in a banned dildo household.

omg she has The Rabbit! Shit just got real. That's the Cadillac of vibrators.

MarisaKathleen · March 2014

Hyaline said:

PS While I get where ya'll are coming from with the "didn't they have sex before marriage," the attitude is a little judgy. I know plenty of happily married, functional couples who waited until marriage for sex. DH and I were engaged and only a few months out from the wedding our first time. I'm not judging you if you chose to get down with it right off the bat, so don't judge others who chose to wait. Different strokes. Well, different timing of strokes, really.

I know only 1 person IRL who waited until marriage to have sex, and they even waited to kiss because of their religion. In my world, it's just not the norm. Not saying all of my friends are slutty or something, but all of my friends dated their spouses for a loooong time before they got married and sex was just part of their relationship progression.

I always forget that people do wait until marriage in the real world. :-) Thanks for that reminder @Hyaline!

Nita2603 · March 2014

With the larger context now making it even clearer how big a douchebag that guy is...
...I'd tell her to find an attorney. Seriously. So, he doesn't care about her sexual pleasure, he 'bans' her from masturbating the way she likes, he rags on her for her weight AFTER SHE HAD HIS CHILD....

....I'd kick his ass to the curb.

GR8TDANEMOM · March 2014

I would tell him he needs to get more experimental in bed and be open and more receptive to my needs. If not then I will be taking care of myself.

BillyMollyEmmy · March 2014

Nita2603 said:

With the larger context now making it even clearer how big a douchebag that guy is... ...I'd tell her to find an attorney. Seriously. So, he doesn't care about her sexual pleasure, he 'bans' her from masturbating the way she likes, he rags on her for her weight AFTER SHE HAD HIS CHILD.... ....I'd kick his ass to the curb.

I am always amazed by the amount of crap women are willing to take from their spouses and make excuses for it every single time.

Nita2603 · March 2014

BillyMollyEmmy said:

Nita2603 said:

With the larger context now making it even clearer how big a douchebag that guy is...
...I'd tell her to find an attorney. Seriously. So, he doesn't care about her sexual pleasure, he 'bans' her from masturbating the way she likes, he rags on her for her weight AFTER SHE HAD HIS CHILD....

....I'd kick his ass to the curb.

I am always amazed by the amount of crap women are willing to take from their spouses and make excuses for it every single time.

Me too.
But then, I canceled the wedding to my ex fiancé two weeks before the date. Glad I did, too. I am not scared of being 'in too deep' if it feels wrong.

Hyaline · March 2014

BillyMollyEmmy said:

Nita2603 said:

With the larger context now making it even clearer how big a douchebag that guy is... ...I'd tell her to find an attorney. Seriously. So, he doesn't care about her sexual pleasure, he 'bans' her from masturbating the way she likes, he rags on her for her weight AFTER SHE HAD HIS CHILD.... ....I'd kick his ass to the curb.

I am always amazed by the amount of crap women are willing to take from their spouses and make excuses for it every single time.

I think often the women who are in these kinds of relationships have deeper issues on their own than just the relationship itself, if that makes sense. For a thousand and one reasons, they may not notice, not realize the abusiveness or control, not feel they deserve better. Which is why my recommendation was a counselor, not an attorney. The advice to go to an attorney is probably premature as I'm guessing she's nowhere near ready to take that step.

tinyhumantoe · March 2014

I think bailing out of a wedding is different than leaving with two kids, but I know you guys think this too. I bailed out of a wedding, btw.

But, I'm also surprised by what people take from their husbands. I guess I'm just a get the fuck out type of person.

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