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April 2014 Moms
chirico3
member
Presence of SO during birth?
chirico3
member
I am very torn on this topic. I really would like to be alone while the baby is coming out (with doctors and nurses of course), while I'd want husband with me before I am ready to push. I don't really know why, probably I don't want him to see me in that situation.
On the other hand, some dads have told me it was a wanderful experience to se their child being born, something different from anything else a man can experience. So I feel a bit guilty because I don't want to deprive husband of such a beautiful thing.
Here the dad has to take some tests (salmonella, mainly) if he wants to be present, and husband will take it in case I decide at the last minute I want him with me.
He says it's not important for him to be there at the moment the baby comes out, he can leave and be back later,he'll do whatever I prefer. But at this point I don't know what to do...
What are your thoughts/experiences?
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Re: Presence of SO during birth?
POS+April 2009-M/c May 2009, POS+July 2009-M/c Aug 2009, POS+ Novemeber 2009 -Baby Boy Charlie DOB 07/06/2010, POS+July 2011-M/c and D&C Aug 2011, POS+Dec 2011 -Baby Boy Ethan DOB 07/27/2012, POS+Aug 2013-TWIN BOYS! Jack and Miles born March 23rd 2014!!
But I agree with all the pps, my husband is the only one I would want to share this experience with. If for some crazy reason he missed it, I would be devastated.
Are there cultural/religious norms where you are, that dad is not usually present at the birth?
BFP: 7/5/10 EDD: 3/13/11 Miscarriage 8/1/10 at 8 weeks
BFP: 10/30/10 EDD: 7/7/11 Born 7/11//11 7lb12oz, 20 in.
BFP: 7/30/13 EDD: 4/9/14 Born right on time on his due date! 8lb10oz, 21.5 in.
Awesome prophetic fortune cookie: Love is a present that can be given every single day you live
He will be with me during labor. I was debating if I'll want him there during the delivery step, or have him come back right after.
He'll do whatever I feel most comfortable with, since he understands I'll be the one delivering and in the most distress. I guess he'll probably hold the baby before me, while they are stitching me if needed!
My doubts exist mainly because I have been educated to think that childbirth is a "women's thing" - even if of course the baby is both parents' baby. Up to a certain time, it was something that involved women in the family, while the men were waiting outside, and maybe this image stuck with me a bit too much, considering that nowadays dads are much more involved in helping with the baby! But I wander if the birth moment should be a moment that concerns only the woman - hence my doubts.
If he had told me he absolutely wanted to be present, I'd probably let him be there. Since he said he'll do whatever I feel most comfortable with, I am still debating.
My husband is a year older than me, so probably him not feeling the urge to be there during delivery is a cultural/age thing too?
It wasn't until relatively recently in the US that having the father present has become standard, but there are definitely groups here (for example, I live near a large community Hasidic Jews) where the father, as a rule, is not present, and I don't think their birthing practices have damaged their marriages or family lives.
Do what you feel comfortable with, but have an open & honest conversation with your SO about what each of you are concerned about with his presence or lack thereof.
As for the birth being a 'woman's thing', I think that came about from births not being medically attended, so the women of the family, who had been through labor & birth, would come to help and share their experience and knowledge. Now that we have more information available, men know what goes on in there, and the doctors/MWs handle the medical needs.
I know that a lot of us are STM but has anyone ever seen someone else giving birth? Its NOT pretty. i watched my sister give birth and I'm fine with that sort of thing but she bled a lot and was hemorrhaging and i thought her husband would never recover from that image ever again! Then the doctor had to reach his arm up (past his elbows) into her and pull out handfulls of blood clots and put them into a bag that he filled with blood. Her husband may have passed out. We are all fine and her husband obviously doesn't think differently of her because they are having their second child but I can absolutely understand where you are coming from when you say you don't want him to see you like that. Personally for me i want to make sure that if anything happens or is wrong with my baby that she isn't alone and i won't be getting up to walk with her to be with her so having DH there made me feel safe. (hes also a fireman and has delievered babies before) Aside from that I personally needed someone to look in the eye and remind me why i decided to go through this pain! to hold my hand and my leg and say i can do this because i remember last time i was saying i cant do this it doesnt work her head is not going to fit this is impossible. but everyone is different. I think you should wait until you are in the situation and then make the call. I worked in L&D and had a father stand outside the door just for pushing and was immediately back in once the baby was out. It happens do what you feel comfortable with.
You need someone to be there to take pictures of the baby and to hold your hand if anything unexpected is wrong and to follow your child to the nursery if anything is wrong with you.
And since this is his child and he's my soul mate, he needed to be there both for me, for my child, and for himself.
ETA: If you do decide against having your SO there, I suggest you have someone else there with you that you know well and trust like your mom or a friend or someone.
ETA - as far as I have heard, from friends who had husband there during delivery, he'll be right near my head - if I understand correctly is not common to look at the baby coming out or cut the cord, but I'll know better after my childbirth class
That's wonderful he is so supportive of you. Maybe he can wait outside the door in case you change your mind?
I guess it's to prevent to pass it to the baby...
My SIL actually had the same thing happen to her. Her placenta didn't detach correctly and her midwife had to go up and get it along with clots that had formed. Her husband also described it as "up to her elbows" but I assume that's an exaggeration. She also had a natural birth and had to endure this with no medication as it was an emergency. She said it hurt worse than the labor.
Eta: if your placenta doesn't detach correctly or at all in the thirty minute allotment it is a very serious problem. I know the first step is to manually try to get it out, then my guess is surgery.