Presence of SO during birth?

maelic

As @AprilMay9 said I'm also Italian and it's the first I've heard of the salmonella test. Interesting. Granted, I live in the US now and I've never had to give birth in Italy, but all of my cousins have. With their husbands present. I don't think it's even a question, even with the sexist macho attitude that can creep in. 

Honestly, the thing that shocks me the most about labor in Italy is how strongly they discourage the epidural. Most hospitals don't even offer them which I find insane. Not for medical reasons either, some don't want to pay for a full time anesthesiologist for L&D, and some (like the ones my cousins labored at) have religious objections to dulling the pain of childbirth (you know, that whole Eve thing. Yuck). 

Airynn Chica

I live in Botswana (Africa) and it is cultural here that the father is rarely pregnant and if you are not married, he does not stay with you for the first 3 month pp. When I married DH (He is from Ghana, Africa) it was one of the things I asked him since it is unacceptable for me for him to not be present at the birth. He said he wanted to be there so we were good, but I know in Ghana as well it is not uncommon for the fathers to be away or on business during the birth and they don't just come home because their wife is in labor.

Yes, I know, even for my American brain this is hard to understand and I loved having DH there and would have been scared and stressed without him. But for OP if you want him to step out, you know each other best and you know what's best for your family.

pdilly2b

I mean this in a nice way, but I think you have a somewhat skewed version of how birth goes, or can go. Frankly, being around me during labor/dilation was a lot worse for him to see than pushing. Like after my water was broken, stuff was leaking out of me with every contraction (blood-tinged amniotic fluid), I was leaving puddles of fluid everywhere, and I was griping a lot because I was in pain and felt so icky. Pushing was about my finest moment. I felt like a rock star. It was - hands down - the most empowering moment of my life. It would have really sucked for DH to have seen me feeling like crap and acting like a ninny and then not see the superwoman he is married to. Some people hate dilation (like me), others hate pushing - you just never know until it's happening. But in any case, being shy around your husband (I'm calling it shyness for lack of a better word) is something you should get over for everyone's sake. He can move out of the way to avoid seeing anything he doesn't want to and it's likely that at least some parts of the experience will bring you closer as a couple and really be important and memorable experience for both him and you.

buffyjsa

As others have said, I can't imagine my husband not being there.  This is our first, and I've never had to experience as much pain as I'm sure I'll be going through.  He is my rock, my strength and support, and I'm sure I'll be holding onto him dearly during labor.

We haven't yet decided where he wants to stand (I would prefer him closer to my head, simply because I want him as close to me as possible).  The only thing I'd prefer is to have our daughter placed immediately on my stomach in my arms as opposed to him catching her.  I feel like since I carried her so long, I want to be the first to hold her in my arms.  But you may be able to work out different options for him that work for both of you.

maelic

Though, honestly, I should say that you and your husband should do what you are most comfortable with. After discussing it together, and after trying to figure out why it makes you uncomfortable (social pressure? modesty? fear? many of these can be overcome by talking it through with your husband), I think you should feel free to do whatever you guys feel is best for your little family.

If that's you pushing alone (and your husband is fully on board) then that's fine, IMHO. It's such a personal decision that I can't see how it would be anyone's business but yours (the two of you).

hlm184

Airynn Chica said:

I live in Botswana (Africa) and it is cultural here that the father is rarely pregnant and if you are not married, he does not stay with you for the first 3 month pp. When I married DH (He is from Ghana, Africa) it was one of the things I asked him since it is unacceptable for me for him to not be present at the birth. He said he wanted to be there so we were good, but I know in Ghana as well it is not uncommon for the fathers to be away or on business during the birth and they don't just come home because their wife is in labor.

Yes, I know, even for my American brain this is hard to understand and I loved having DH there and would have been scared and stressed without him. But for OP if you want him to step out, you know each other best and you know what's best for your family.

I know this is a typo but I laughed.

chirico3

maelic said:

As @AprilMay9 said I'm also Italian and it's the first I've heard of the salmonella test. Interesting. Granted, I live in the US now and I've never had to give birth in Italy, but all of my cousins have. With their husbands present. I don't think it's even a question, even with the sexist macho attitude that can creep in. 

Honestly, the thing that shocks me the most about labor in Italy is how strongly they discourage the epidural. Most hospitals don't even offer them which I find insane. Not for medical reasons either, some don't want to pay for a full time anesthesiologist for L&D, and some (like the ones my cousins labored at) have religious objections to dulling the pain of childbirth (you know, that whole Eve thing. Yuck). 

Yes, don't get me started on the epidural... It's almost a badge of honor for a woman to avoid epidural...
The salmonella is a pretty standard test for whomever wants to be present, I understand. But different hospitals ask different tests, so I don't know if in the North or South it's different (I am going to a hospital in Rome)

BiggerinRealLife

He's the only person I want to share that time with! I'm pretty sure I'm even going to kick our doula out once I start to push, because I really want it to be just the two of us when we meet our baby for the first time.

maelic

chirico3 said:

maelic said:

As @AprilMay9 said I'm also Italian and it's the first I've heard of the salmonella test. Interesting. Granted, I live in the US now and I've never had to give birth in Italy, but all of my cousins have. With their husbands present. I don't think it's even a question, even with the sexist macho attitude that can creep in. 

Honestly, the thing that shocks me the most about labor in Italy is how strongly they discourage the epidural. Most hospitals don't even offer them which I find insane. Not for medical reasons either, some don't want to pay for a full time anesthesiologist for L&D, and some (like the ones my cousins labored at) have religious objections to dulling the pain of childbirth (you know, that whole Eve thing. Yuck). 

Yes, don't get me started on the epidural... It's almost a badge of honor for a woman to avoid epidural...
The salmonella is a pretty standard test for whomever wants to be present, I understand. But different hospitals ask different tests, so I don't know if in the North or South it's different (I am going to a hospital in Rome)

I'm from Trentino and my cousins live in Verona, so up North for us. That might account for the differences!

KatieKim0815

I didn't expect it to get choked up at a post but I did. Just te mere thought of DH not being there breaks my heart. You two made the baby. He should be there for that moment. He doesn't have to look!

And if you don't want him to see you like that... The pushing is a relief compared to be pain before

I think it is borderline insulting to keep your hubby there and kick him out for the most rewarding part.

My husband is my best friend. Couldn't imagine missing a moment

chirico3

KatieKim0815 said:

I didn't expect it to get choked up at a post but I did. Just te mere thought of DH not being there breaks my heart. You two made the baby. He should be there for that moment. He doesn't have to look! And if you don't want him to see you like that... The pushing is a relief compared to be pain before I think it is borderline insulting to keep your hubby there and kick him out for the most rewarding part. My husband is my best friend. Couldn't imagine missing a moment

I really didn't mean to offend eìanyone... I just wanted other women to share their opinions and experiences!

steph1977

My DH was deployed for the birth our first, which was so hard on both of us. There is NO way I would or could ever let him miss out on this one.

nicole mackenzie

DH is the only person I want there.

That being said I'm not sure how he will handle it. Smells and blood make him queezy. He'll be staying at my head when baby comes out. Hopefully he won't pass out.

I'm glad you're going to talk to him again. It may be really important to him and he's just going with your wishes because he loves you. I think he deserves the choice.

But whatever you agree on together is fine

Erikahenderson1

My DH will be right beside me. I can't wait for the moment my baby is born, for obvious reasons of course, and also because I can't wait for him to fall in love with me all over again. It's going to be magical.
(Rainbows and unicorns, I know, but I'm excited about it lol)

katieharpiceland

nicole mackenzie said:

DH is the only person I want there. That being said I'm not sure how he will handle it. Smells and blood make him queezy. He'll be staying at my head when baby comes out. Hopefully he won't pass out. I'm glad you're going to talk to him again. It may be really important to him and he's just going with your wishes because he loves you. I think he deserves the choice. But whatever you agree on together is fine

If its any help, during our birthing class the midwife was saying that the men actually rarely pass out. Even those that are terrified of blood. But, its a small country here, maybe the sample rate isn't big enough! 

zoopsiedaisy

I can understand exactly what you mean about not wanting your husband to see you in that kind of state. i am a person who likes privacy and most of the time that I'm dealing with something major I want to do it by myself. Part of it is that's just me, the other part is that it's almost like performance anxiety. When I don't know what's happening or what to expect I get nervous. With that being said, I personally want my husband there. My dad was not in the delivery room for my sister And it still makes my mom and sister sad to this day that he wasn't there. Even though it was just common practice. He attended my birth, because it was an emergency C-section and he was a doctor at the hospital so he was allowed in. I wasn't breathing when I was born and I know it helped my mom to feel better that he was in there with her.

Taking all of that into consideration I know I want my husband there. Not just in case something goes wrong, but to share that moment of meeting our daughter for the first time together. If I were you I would take all the steps necessary so that he can be in there So that it is up to you guys whether he's in there or not. Not due to the fact that he didn't have the proper test done. I think you'll regret that more. Good luck with your decision! This is a very tough one.

avidkeo

To be fair, before getting pregnant my DH always said he did not want to be in the room. At the time we were trying that was fine with me (OK not thrilled) because he does not do anything medical at all (and I now work in a hospital, figure that one out!) and he would feel completely helpless. I had always said my mum would be with me but he had to be very close by. 

When I got pregnant, because we now live so far from my mum, I told DH he had no choice to be with me (tongue in cheek of course) but he was actually keen on the idea. Now it looks like mum may be here when baby comes (she is coming for a 2 week visit the day after my due date) so I told DH he had the choice. He now really wants to be there.

So after my no he wont/yes he will thing I would suggest having a frank conversation with DH, see what he REALLY wants, outline what you would like and see what happens. He may well feel that he's not allowed there.

Oh and for what its worth, now that the plan is that DH is going to be with me, I am so happy, it makes me feel far more relaxed knowing the one person who knows me best in the world is going to be supporting me. 

PS: there is no way in hell he will cut the cord, wont even consider it. And it really doesn't bother me. Refer to paragraph one for reasons why! hehe.

fourthnlast

Ooopsbaby14 said:

My DH watched it all the first time around. The 2nd time around he stayed north of the border and I encouraged that! He says saw things he wished he could unsee. Even though it's not all beautiful I still want and need him there. 

My husband has watched every c-section from start to finish, all he says is "you can't come back from that, but I can't stop watching." 

AcaAwkward

KatieKim0815 said:

I didn't expect it to get choked up at a post but I did. Just te mere thought of DH not being there breaks my heart. You two made the baby. He should be there for that moment. He doesn't have to look!

And if you don't want him to see you like that... The pushing is a relief compared to be pain before

I think it is borderline insulting to keep your hubby there and kick him out for the most rewarding part.

My husband is my best friend. Couldn't imagine missing a moment

I don't know if you read the entire thread, but OP lives in Italy and is operating under some differing cultural norms -- let's not make her feel bad just because her experience and feelings are different from what we're used to! It wasn't that long ago that having dads-to-be in the delivery room was unheard of in the States!

OP -- I say have another serious conversation with your DH to assess both of your feelings on the matter. If the norm among his peers / family has been that dad's wait outside for the birth, maybe he truly doesn't care if he's not present. Or maybe he's just trying to respect your wishes. And, if I were you, I'd try and pinpoint exactly what makes you uncomfortable at the thought of him being there... Maybe if y'all discuss it, it won't seem like such a big deal.

Bottom line: do what you both feel is best and most comfortable for the two of you, but don't make a concrete decision until you're actually in labor. In the thick of things, things that seemed like a big deal before might not matter at all!

lilmama412

For DS, DH made it clear that he didn't want to be there for the pushing/birth. He was a Marine who suffers from PTSD, and he thought that the sight and even smell of that much blood would trigger his PTSD. He didn't want those emotions associated with the birth of his son. I was not very sympathetic and told him that he didn't have a choice and he needed to be there, that I needed him there. He reluctantly did it, and doesn't regret it at all. He said he was glad that I made him do it.

Wurrkingurrl

I totally think it is a personal choice, and I would never try to tell someone what they should do, but personally, for me, I can't imagine my husband not being there.  I also want my mom there with me.  Like I said though, this is just my opinion... you need to do what feels right for you.  And it's great that your husband is being supportive! 

spano41

I think it's definitely a personal choice and while in my culture and experience it's a given that the father would be there, that has not been and is not always the case.  I know even in my grandparent's generation the men were not always there for the birth (or at least my grandfather wasn't.)  He waited in the waiting room.  So I don't think it's that far fetched.  There are definitely still some less progressive cultural groups in the US that still would think it's strange to have a man there at the birth.  My point is, for most mainstream American women, it would be weird to not have their husband present at the birth of their child so the majority of the responses on TB are going to reflect that.  That doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do for you, it's really something you have to decide for yourself.

olenkapdx

Interesting thread!  I have definitely seen SO at his worst so he can surely return the favor.   He doesn't want to cut the cord, but is excited about everything else. 

Abcollins57

I've read thru the whole thread, and it is very interesting. I believe I understand where you're coming from but I would also encourage you to revisit the idea. Perhaps you can work out a vantage point that you are both comfortable with, and a back up plan in case something goes wrong. But at the end of the day, I think there is no bond stronger than watching that baby take it's very first breath. Labor can be extremely disgusting, and traumatic to some, but it's one of the most amazing, rewarding, life changing moments ever. My guess is, after it is all said and done, the amazement of watching the life you created come into the worldwill outweigh whatever else happened in the delivery room. Good luck with your decision!

nicole mackenzie

katieharpiceland said:

nicole mackenzie said:

DH is the only person I want there.

That being said I'm not sure how he will handle it. Smells and blood make him queezy. He'll be staying at my head when baby comes out. Hopefully he won't pass out.

I'm glad you're going to talk to him again. It may be really important to him and he's just going with your wishes because he loves you. I think he deserves the choice.

But whatever you agree on together is fine

If its any help, during our birthing class the midwife was saying that the men actually rarely pass out. Even those that are terrified of blood. But, its a small country here, maybe the sample rate isn't big enough! 

Thanks hopefully DH isn't an exception then

pineconey

my husband has been there for me every step of the way during this pregnancy and our previous miscarriage.  i cannot fathom giving birth to our child without him by my side.  in fact, he's going to assist in catching the baby as it's born.

LittleLady77

DH better get his ass there!

sking72

I just skimmed the responses and I agree with most posters that I want my SO there with me.

That being said, my dad was not present for my birth or any of my three siblings births. He has no regrets, he says he had no interest in seeing that. Hes not a fan of "goop" as he puts it. My mom was totally fine without having him there too. It's all about what you're comfortable with. Honestly, I can't imagine having a friend or family member there with me just because I think my SO is the only person who can tell me to buck up and get shit done effectively. Anyone else I'm pretty sure I would get mad at or wouldn't be enough support for me. But that's just my personality.

AliciaBeth

Personally, I was so glad to have my DH there at the birth of our son. I think he enjoyed it, too. He said throughout the whole pregnancy that he would never look "down there". Things change and he did end up wanting to watch. He cried as soon as DS was born... I just wanted something cold to drink, lol. 

I will also add that the recovery isn't all that pretty either. My husband helped me get to the bathroom many times in those first couple of days and probably saw more than he ever thought he would. I remember feeling kind of upset about that at first, but now I'm grateful. 

The whole experience brought us closer together... it changed our relationship. Much like the change between dating to engaged, or engaged to married was for our relationship. I'm glad to have him by my side.  

1983sas

I can't imagine NOT having DH there.  He helped make that baby...without him, you wouldn't be having baby.  No way would I deny him that right, plus I want him there - no one else. 

LittleLady77

@aliciabeth Beautifully said.

rtv3

I definitely couldn't do it without DH there. I need him by my head, holding my hand, and encouraging me. I did tell him to stay up north which he was extremely in agreement with, lol. He says he doesn't want to cut the cord either, which I'm fine with, although I feel like he might change his mind. But yeah, I definitely need him there!

chirico3

sking72 said:

I just skimmed the responses and I agree with most posters that I want my SO there with me. That being said, my dad was not present for my birth or any of my three siblings births. He has no regrets, he says he had no interest in seeing that. Hes not a fan of "goop" as he puts it. My mom was totally fine without having him there too. It's all about what you're comfortable with. Honestly, I can't imagine having a friend or family member there with me just because I think my SO is the only person who can tell me to buck up and get shit done effectively. Anyone else I'm pretty sure I would get mad at or wouldn't be enough support for me. But that's just my personality.

Same here: my dad wasn't there when I was born or my two sisters were born. He wasn't a worse father for this reason. It just wasn't the norm in the '70s. I have read some stats, just out of curiosity, and the father is present in 66% of deliveries (national average).
As for having someone else, I can't even think about it: it's either nobody, or husband!

JessieAlbin

My DH read an article by a really old school OB (the guy said he had been practicing for 50 years) that basically said it was a bad idea for the man to be present; he got so upset at the idea of not being there, and had to read the article to me just to refute each point of why that didn't apply to him, and was adamant that he would be there and be more helpful to me than anyone. While it was kind of adorable and sweet, I'm also glad to know his feelings so clearly on the matter. I think as pp have suggested, having a discussion where he feels he can be honest about his preference will be most helpful to you about making that decision. Not having to guess at what his true feelings are on it will definitely go a long way to avoiding resentments which could be really tough to work through later.

Jodash24

My partner is going to be there, he's quite squeamish ( nearly fainted at the cinema watching a bloody film before now ha ha) he was there all through our miscarriage, I don't know how much he will watch down there, and he's really not fussed on seeing the placenta he will try his best love him

Sisimama10

olenkapdx said:

Interesting thread!  I have definitely seen SO at his worst so he can surely return the favor.   He doesn't want to cut the cord, but is excited about everything else. 

This is mine. He will be there but does not want to cut the cord at all!

xilovemybabiesx

I wouldn't even dream about giving birth to my child without my hubby right by my side! He is my everything, he is the father of this beautiful baby growing inside of me. I want him to be there during labor and during the birth of our baby. I know he feels the same way. I just couldn't imagine doing it without him....

Rrrrrachel

FWIW my husband was adamant early in my first pregnancy he didn't want to cut the cord, but he changed his mind.  I'm not sure if he changed it sometime during the pregnancy or during the birth, but he cut it!

HNRomance

i would lose my sh*t if my DH couldn't or didn't want to be present. As far as I'm concerned, he helped put the kid in there, he can help get him out... but i know i have some strong feelings on the subject. I think when it comes down to it, you will be so focused on on the next stage that you won't be worrying if he's still there or won't want him to leave. I say just go with what feels right when it comes down to it but maybe have another heart-to-heart with your SO beforehand

mammasuzelov

This might have been said but doesn't the fact that he's decided to get the salmonella test tell you that he wants to be there?

I get that birth is not as pretty as we all hope it will be but I would guess he wants to be there for the birth of his child and he's just telling you what you want to here so you don't feel bad.

I could never ask my husband to leave me when I need him the most.