Niece Advice

Ratpasta · February 2014

My sister has two girls; ~6 years and 6 months respectively.

A little background on the Niece in question. Our mother looked after her for years at the very beginning because my sister and her husband couldn't afford to not work, but couldn't afford child care, so mom stepped in. When she was old enough to walk around she kind of allowed her to do whatever she wanted; up-end trash cans; make messes etc and she kind of never really grew out of that. She is very used to kind of doing whatever she wants and now she has a cute baby girl sibling to compete with so she does act out a bit.
   The last four times we had visited with them, she hasnt said a word to me. Even on bended knee asking her for a hug, she turns away. Honestly, I believe it's because she knows she is supposed to acknowledge and respect me as her uncle and godfather (and because she can get away with it) she doesn't.
   Her mom ( my sister ) does have a lot on her plate but she does allow her oldest daughter slide much more than I think she should.

    So anyways, last Saturday wifey and I hosted a family BBQ with both sides of our family. Niece in question didnt say a word to me as usual and spent most or all of the time either hiding or away somewhere with my mom.
      In the middle of cooking and getting food prepped and out for everyone I hear a loud crash. I run inside to see glass and sand everywhere.
   My wife and I are avid travelers and we collect sand in glass bottles from everywhere we have been in the world. High on top of a bookshelf are a bunch of these bottles from Hawaii, Mexico, Vietnam etc. It just so happens that she was wildly swinging her sweatshirt around and caught one of these bottles and brought it to the floor - the one bottle from our honeymoon trip to Vietnam. I was angry - very angry but I did my best to not fly off the handle.
    I didn't yell or scream, but I did get on my knee and tell her that the bottle she broke was from Vietnam. I made sure she wasnt in danger of being cut, and then cleaned it up. After I went outside to see her moping with grandma.   I tired to talk to her about about but she turned away as usual, and wouldnt speak to me (probably because she knew she didnt have to)
     My sister later that day sent me a kind of unnecessary "im sorry" text which I assured her was nice of her, but stuff happens, I get it but she wont return my calls or texts.
    Im either thinkin she is embarrassed or pissed off. I dont think I handled the situation badly, however I probably could have handled it better.

Ive listed all the variables.... im curious what you guys think....

1) Dont feel bad - the kid needs serious discipline and your sister is embarrassed
2) Stuff happens when kids are around, and your sister is pissed off because you're a jackass
3) How come I wasn't invited to the BBQ?? you jackass
4) I could care less because there are zero Cumberbatch gifs in this thread so far.......... and you're a jackass

and just so nobody can pick #4....

CinemaGoddess · February 2014

1.

shadypines · February 2014

3

missyishere · February 2014

::cares::

but really tl;dr, so I will go with #1?

jak554 · February 2014

I say 1. My nieces are like yours, not very disciplined and don't respect other people's property. You did the right thing.

Also, don't know if you did this, but I would vacuum the sand in a clean canister and then buy a new bottle to put it in.

CinemaGoddess · February 2014

Also, I don't think that telling her "it came from Vietnam" is going to mean much to her unless she's Lt. Dan reincarnated.

WasNotWas · February 2014

not at all helpful, but why do you indent your paragraphs?

lildevil968 · February 2014

I'm gonna say 1. However, your niece does sound like a typical 6 year old. She knows that their are boundaries, but she wants to skirt the line. She wants to know how far she can go, before she gets in trouble. Her parents need to do a better job of disciplining her, or they are going to be in a world of hurt when she gets older.

CinemaGoddess · February 2014

Just FYI - kids aren't required to talk to adults. They can choose to ignore adults if they want to.

missyishere · February 2014

Okay, read it. I'm also agreeing it sounds like a small child is eating crackers for you.

CinemaGoddess · February 2014

secretsout · February 2014

I don't know if this is the case or not but the impression I got is that maybe she is uncomfortable/intimidated by you when you try to force interaction with her. Maybe you would have better luck if you let her interact with you on her own terms and don't expect so much from a 6 year old in terms of her having to "acknowledge and respect" you.

missyishere · February 2014

ThisIsBrea said:

I think you need to give her a pass on not talking to you or hugging you. She's 6. As long as she's not being outright disrespectful, I think you're overreacting. And I don't think choosing not to hug someone is disrespectful. If she was swearing at you or hitting you, then I'd be concerned. Silence and shyness, meh. Kids should have a choice in who and how they interact with someone. Also, shit happens when kids are around. Such is life.

You mean kids don't like small talk either?! What is going on with this world?!

TiffanyBerry · February 2014

A little from #1, a little from #2.

Yeah, I'd bet she's embarrassed. Adults get embarrassed about kids doing this sort of stuff. You didn't fly off the handle, you handled it relatively well (though I would have made the kid help clean up - a 6 year old can help pick up the big pieces of glass and sweep up sand).

But expecting her to talk to you and hug you otherwise she's disrespectful? That's disrespecting HER need for space. DD generally still won't hug Grandma or Grandpa, even though she loves them very much. She doesn't like close physical contact like that from most people. Heck, she won't always give ME a hug. Hugs are not "just nothing" to kids, or even to all adults.

CinemaGoddess · February 2014

Look at this jerk.

Knocking shit off a mantel.

Asshole.

Oh hey, Liam.

HEY.

WasNotWas · February 2014

CinemaGoddess I legit lol'd

WasNotWas · February 2014

I bet you'd bend down to hug him @cinemagoddess

with your mouth...

missyishere · February 2014

Hey, Liam; you can knock things off my shelf anytime.

FalconCrest · February 2014

I'd like to know how you would feel about this situation once you have had more than just a few months of parenting under your belt.

missyishere · February 2014

uconnhuskie007 said:

:::Crickets::: OP where'd ya go?

Giving people hugs

Helenahhandbasket · February 2014

1

and also-- you're a dude?

RayRay007 · February 2014

CinemaGoddess said:

Just FYI - kids aren't required to talk to adults. They can choose to ignore adults if they want to.

I kind of agree with this. Kids shouldn't be required to hug and kiss adults (I hate when people push that on DD) or talk to them. They should, however, be polite and respectful and respect other people's property. I might have told her that that item was very meaningful to you and that you were sad, but to say it was from Vietnam wouldn't convey that to a six year old. I do think she needs to be told how her behaviour and its consequences affect others around her. But I wouldn't read too much into the lack of contact since, since it sounds like you don't have much contact anyway.

LovestheLou · February 2014

Going with #4.

But seriously, my DD is 6. She's shy and hides from all adults she doesn't see on a daily basis, even her grandparents. Obviously I don't know your niece, but that's pretty normal for a 6 year old.

Unknown · February 2014

This content has been removed.

taggiecb · February 2014

cracker eating 6 year old.

Ratpasta · February 2014

jak554 said:

I say 1. My nieces are like yours, not very disciplined and don't respect other people's property. You did the right thing.

Also, don't know if you did this, but I would vacuum the sand in a clean canister and then buy a new bottle to put it in.

ok gunna actually try and respond to some of these directly....

there was glass EVERYWHERE - and we had a lot of people over. I think it was best to just clean it up as quickly as possible and not linger on it

Ratpasta · February 2014

CinemaGoddess said:

Also, I don't think that telling her "it came from Vietnam" is going to mean much to her unless she's Lt. Dan reincarnated.

yeah looking back of saying that, it was stupid. Im sure it didnt mean anything to her at all but it was what I could come up with at the moment that wasnt screaming, or generally acting like a 6 year old myself.
it was my effort to try and have her understand her actions without over reacting or raising my voice.

Ratpasta · February 2014

WasNotWas said:

not at all helpful, but why do you indent your paragraphs?

it looks better and it's much easier to read

WasNotWas · February 2014

@Ratpasta said:

WasNotWas said:

not at all helpful, but why do you indent your paragraphs?

it looks better and it's much easier to read

False. Capitalizing the first word in a sentence does those things though

missyishere · February 2014

::gigglesnort::

Ratpasta · February 2014

uconnhuskie007 said:

MabelShesABiotch said:

It sounds to me like you don't really like your niece much.

Agreed - sounds like you have beef with a 6 year old

I like her just fine - but she is allowed to get away with wayyyyy more than any 6 year old should..... and at least in our family, it's expected that the children extend a little - not even a lot - of courtesy and respect.
Since her sister was born 6 months ago, she has been acting out even more than one could expect.
The real issue is that she was an only child, and the only grandchild to an entire family.

missyishere · February 2014

Ratpasta said:

uconnhuskie007 said:

MabelShesABiotch said:

It sounds to me like you don't really like your niece much.

Agreed - sounds like you have beef with a 6 year old

I like her just fine - but she is allowed to get away with wayyyyy more than any 6 year old should..... and at least in our family, it's expected that the children extend a little - not even a lot - of courtesy and respect.
Since her sister was born 6 months ago, she has been acting out even more than one could expect.
The real issue is that she was an only child, and the only grandchild to an entire family.

This, too, is also a very normal reaction.

Ratpasta · February 2014

uconnhuskie007 said:

also - in my world, godparents play a significant role in kids' lives. I gather you don't see her very often from the way she acts around you. Sounds like maybe you could/should be spending more time with her.

during the week, I work out of town so the only time I ever see her is on some Saturdays and I have my own 3 month old at home that I never get to see as well.
Her and I used to be fine. We played together and she used to love seeing me.
Since her sister was born, much has changed.

LovestheLou · February 2014

Getting a new sibling isn't easy.

Ratpasta · February 2014

ThisIsBrea said:

I think you need to give her a pass on not talking to you or hugging you. She's 6. As long as she's not being outright disrespectful, I think you're overreacting. Such is life.

She used to hug me, and walk up to me and talk. We were very cohesive.
Part of her boundary testing is she intentially does things she knows that she isnt supposed to

missyishere · February 2014

Again, it is a normal reaction to act out when a new sibling has arrived. She's been solo for 6 years-- any kid would take issue having to share time and space.

Ratpasta · February 2014

Helenahhandbasket said:

1
and also-- you're a dude?

that is correct

missyishere · February 2014

pobrecita said:

SHE'S SIX YEARS OLD.

Sorry for the yelling. But jeez.

BUT SO RUDE!

Ratpasta · February 2014

cmeon_the_water said:

You just have a baby, right? You might want to rethink the location of the bottles if they're out in the open (even way up high). If a twirling sweatshirt can knock them down, flying blocks, bouncing balls, and little climbers are eventually going to bring down more.

I totally agree with this. We just moved into out house a few months ago and everything is kind of a temporary move in - but they are going to need to get moved

Ratpasta · February 2014

LovestheLou said:

Going with #4.

But seriously, my DD is 6. She's shy and hides from all adults she doesn't see on a daily basis, even her grandparents. Obviously I don't know your niece, but that's pretty normal for a 6 year old.

When I lived away and she wouldnt see me for six months, she would come running and hug me. We used to be buddies - there's definitely been a change in her attitude.

CinemaGoddess · February 2014

You'll probably want to steer clear of her again in about 5-7 years. Possibly earlier if she eats a lot of hormone-laden meats.

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