UO

KellersPrag · October 2013

Also, I'm not intentionally not answering things. I'm in and out of meetings all damn day.

BillyMollyEmmy · October 2013

mnkate said:

Wow. I can't even keep up.

I will say, as the mother of a boy, it does make me a little sad when I hear the "she's not my mom! she doesn't get included" stuff. I might not be your mom, but I'm your husband's mom. So yeah, I'd like to be included in things. (I'm not just talking about the delivery room).

FTR: We had no one else at the hospital. In fact, no one knew I was in labor until after A arrived.

I think next time we will do that... just go to the hospital and call everyone when the baby arrives.

melody921 · October 2013

KellersPrag said:

melody921 said:

LoisLayn23 said:

MRoxy0628 said:

tonir319 said:

KellersPrag said:

And for the delivery room thing. I can understand only wanting your own mother there for support. But there were a lot of examples that came up during our pregnancies that made no sense to me. I can't imagine saying yes to one and no to the other.
Besides the fact that their demeanors are COMPLETELY different, I'll just go with the obvious. My mom has seen my vagina, my MIL has not and (hopefully) never will.
Amen! Also, I asked my mom, she didn't ask me. I also asked my H if he minded, which he did not, because I think he wanted that extra support.

Exactly. In the form of his mother.

I don't understand why DHs need the extra support at all. They're not doing any of the hard work. Man up.

You don't think that it's an incredibly emotional time for your husband, too?

I think it's a happy emotional time not a time when he needs someone to hold his hand. Now granted, my DH had no desire to have anyone other than us in the room either, so I get that some DHs are different. I just feel like a new life entering the world doesn't require the emotional support of say, someone having surgery or some other medical procedure.

MarisaKathleen · October 2013

BillyMollyEmmy said:

mnkate said:

Wow. I can't even keep up.

I will say, as the mother of a boy, it does make me a little sad when I hear the "she's not my mom! she doesn't get included" stuff. I might not be your mom, but I'm your husband's mom. So yeah, I'd like to be included in things. (I'm not just talking about the delivery room).

FTR: We had no one else at the hospital. In fact, no one knew I was in labor until after A arrived.

I think next time we will do that... just go to the hospital and call everyone when the baby arrives.

That's what we did! I called and told my Mom and my BFF. Everyone else found out a few hours after she was here. :-)

hmp1 · October 2013

I don't pay a lot of attention to the MIL posts so the only example I remember is the WishesFishes one from this week. She said her DH was crushed by his mom's actions, or lack of actions. So, I think it is completely appropriate for people to tell her that her husband needs to talk to his mom about her behavior. Most of the examples I can think of involved the husband's displeasure with the situation as well.

MarisaKathleen · October 2013

I'm sure no one thinks they're going to be a bitchy MIL. A lot of MIL's probably don't realize they're overbearing and nutty either though.

I can wholeheartedly say that I know some Mom's who are going to be H O R R I B L E MIL's based on how overbearing/overprotective they are now, but they don't see it. I look at some of my students coming in with their Mom's and I just laugh.

Flamingemu · October 2013

Oreos may be part of the reason I can't lose my last 10 lbs. Jenny McCarthy is a hot mess but I love her. Even if you don't like her style, I can appreciate that she cares deeply for her child and is trying her best to help him. I try not to judge other moms, but sometimes it happens. I would NEVER approach a stranger or stare them down for what I think was a judgeable act. I also do not offer unsolicited advice to mom friends IRL. I've never seen it end well for others, so I stay away. Here's my UO: mobile food trucks creep me out. I feel like it's only one step up from street meat. Maybe the food I great, but I'm 99% sure I would contract botulism from the one that parks near work weekly.

Definitely a UO in these parts! I love food trucks and eat at at least one a week. Some of the best food I have had has come from a food truck.

MarisaKathleen · October 2013

LoisLayn23 said:

I hate when people can't follow basic stairwell/hallway etiquette.

Please explain this to me. Like stay in your "lane" that naturally forms?

thetwinkies&Vivi · October 2013

I wish I had a boy,so I could experience that relationship. No, I am in no way ungrateful for my girls.

PenelopePond · October 2013

Serious (dumb) question: will I (deserve) to be judged pushing my almost 4yo in a stroller at Disney this weekend? I never realized it was judge worthy (although the 6yo thing I understand).

1fish2fish · October 2013

mands629 said:

Kind of on the lines of the MIL....

I was happy when I had a boy. One of the reasons - when he gets married, I get to do the mother-son dance with him. I was kind of feeling leftout knowing that Lu would get to dance with my H for the father-daughter dance at her wedding and I would get nothing. But now with Mr. P, I get a special dance. So, there's that stupid narcissistic, self-centered thought of mine for the day.

I think of this all the time.

Flamingemu · October 2013

Serious (dumb) question: will I (deserve) to be judged pushing my almost 4yo in a stroller at Disney this weekend? I never realized it was judge worthy (although the 6yo thing I understand).

My friends that work at Disney don't care who is in a stroller as long as you are not pushing it up on people.

BarefootContessa · October 2013

mnkate said:

Wow. I can't even keep up.

I will say, as the mother of a boy, it does make me a little sad when I hear the "she's not my mom! she doesn't get included" stuff. I might not be your mom, but I'm your husband's mom. So yeah, I'd like to be included in things. (I'm not just talking about the delivery room).

FTR: We had no one else at the hospital. In fact, no one knew I was in labor until after A arrived.

Yeah I think about this a lot. I feel like it is completely how you enter and foster your relationship with a FDIL. Because of my own experience with MIL, I often think of how I intend to approach these relationships differently in the future.

Unknown · October 2013

This content has been removed.

KellersPrag · October 2013

BobKat22 said:
Even if I had a normal MIL, I don't think I would be comfortable with her in L&D. And I wasn't that private with my delivery. DH, my mom, sister, and best friend were there.

Is it an UO that I think it's totally normal to have your BFF in the delivery room? I'm not sure I've heard of anyone else having a friend with them.

I guess that's kind of my point though. You can have your best friend (which I think is totally normal!) but you would have a problem with having your husband's mother in there? That is what makes no sense to me.

Cheenomae · October 2013

KellersPrag said:

Even if I had a normal MIL, I don't think I would be comfortable with her in L&D. And I wasn't that private with my delivery. DH, my mom, sister, and best friend were there. Is it an UO that I think it's totally normal to have your BFF in the delivery room? I'm not sure I've heard of anyone else having a friend with them.
I guess that's kind of my point though. You can have your best friend (which I think is totally normal!) but you would have a problem with having your husband's mother in there? That is what makes no sense to me.

I didn't really have any input because to each their own, but I'm a little surprised that anyone would think it's weird that someone would want their BFF in the delivery room over their MIL. I freaking adore my MIL, but my BFF is so much more fun!!!

thebanich · October 2013

LoisLayn23 said:

MarisaKathleen said:

LoisLayn23 said:

I hate when people can't follow basic stairwell/hallway etiquette.
Please explain this to me. Like stay in your "lane" that naturally forms?

Yes. Stay on your side of the hallway. If you are walking in a group and someone is coming your direction, line up so they can continue walking without hugging the hallway.

OMG YES. I was just trying to walk down the stairs and this woman was literally walking up the middle of the stairs, staring at her phone. I had to smash myself against the rail so she didn't knock me over and then I almost ran into the chief of surgery from the hospital. This is the second time she has almost run me down in two days while messing with her phone.

thebanich · October 2013

I would have been over the moon if my BFF could have been there but I would have had to kick someone else out. Probably MIL

J/K

kinda

tyrannasaurusjess · October 2013

PenelopePond said:

Serious (dumb) question: will I (deserve) to be judged pushing my almost 4yo in a stroller at Disney this weekend? I never realized it was judge worthy (although the 6yo thing I understand).

I was the one that originally brought up the stroller biz, but I say no. There are like 21398472304702394 people at Disney and to let an almost 4 yr old out on his/her own would be pandemonium. (sp?) I was more referring to a situation I saw in the grocery store a week or so ago when a boy who was either like, 9, or unreasonably tall/large/old looking for his age was being lugged around in a stroller while the dad drove the cart.

No, I do not know if he had an invisible physical condition preventing him from walking. I do not know if he frequently gets tired while navigating the aisles of the supermarket, or if he has the mind of a squirrel and gets distracted by everything shiny, bright, colorful, and sugary. I did not say anything to the parents, and I waited to do my OMGdidyouseethat face to my DH until we got to our car. But seriously, his feet were dragging. They were making the standard shoe squeak throughout the store. If he does have a condition, then get him something bigger to haul him around in.

Young kids...busy areas... yes. Put them in the stroller.

melody921 · October 2013

LoisLayn23 said:

I hate when people can't follow basic stairwell/hallway etiquette.

I hate when I'm walking down the hallway at work and someone coming the other way avert's his/her eyes to avoid saying hello. JC, I get we don't really know each other, but you can't just say hi?

Pokedot · October 2013

auroraloo said:

mnkate said:

Wow. I can't even keep up.

I will say, as the mother of a boy, it does make me a little sad when I hear the "she's not my mom! she doesn't get included" stuff. I might not be your mom, but I'm your husband's mom. So yeah, I'd like to be included in things. (I'm not just talking about the delivery room).

FTR: We had no one else at the hospital. In fact, no one knew I was in labor until after A arrived.

I did!

But yeah, i feel that way as a boy mom too.

I thought about this after having my son. I've learned how to be a good MIL through the process of not having a good one. She's kind of the example of "what not to do."

Hyaline · October 2013

KellersPrag said:

My UO: I think it's strange that a lot of people (on here and IRL) seem to think if their MIL does something that they don't agree with, that it is their husband's duty to take care of it. "Your MIL offended you/can't keep her boundaries/etc.? Your husband better talk to her/fix it." Why can't you take care of it? "It's HIS family." No, I'm sorry. You married him, his mother became your family, too.

But, I know this is an UO around here at least, because I also have the UO that it's silly when a woman does not want her MIL in the delivery room, but wants her mother because 'it's her grandchild' or someshit.

I think the "who talks to her" is entirely dependent on the situation and the family.

I I didn't have anyone but DH in the delivery room (do ya'll know what happens in there?!?!) but I understand women who want their moms but not their MILs. It's the part where your bajingo is on display and you're in the most vulnerable position of your life that makes me get wanting a mom (who may be like a best friend) and not a MIL (whom you may have only known a couple years). There is no way in hell MIL was going to be there for me sweating, pushing, grunting, and pooping. It's not about "whose grandchild" but about the mother being comfortable during labor and delivery.

Holly_1007 · October 2013

I hope some day I have a great relationship with my future DIL. I don't know if I would want to be in the room, but I hope to be close to my grandchildren some day. Cripes I have a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old. I don't want to think about grandchildren for a longass time.

Hyaline · October 2013

LoisLayn23 said:

Can't she just stay up by your head? That's what a lot of H's do.

Honestly, in our situation, nope. And even if so--I was in a ton of pain, I was not in a mood to be nice to anyone. I was 100% raw, unfiltered me (and was amazingly not a giant bitch--I count this as a win.) MIL is a sweet woman but we are not close like that--no way was I comfortable with her seeing me that way.

AlinnJo · October 2013

One of my friends moms runs an in home day care. I'm am friends with the mom on Facebook. She reposts stuff on her Pinterest board ALL DAY LONG. I get that she gets some breaks and she could get on Facebook a couple of times. But being on there AND Pinterest all day doesn't sit well with me. You have multiple children in your home. You should be watching/playing with them.

MrsKipper · October 2013

LoisLayn23 said:
My MIL and mother and DH kept me company through the ordeal. Everyone bu H stepped out when it was vaj check time.

This is exactly how my labor was. FIL was in the waiting room because only 3 people were allowed at a time but he would come in and chat every now and then.

MIL left voluntarily when it was time to push.

Stasi · October 2013

TheAnne said:

RE: general IL griping

I think that aside from a few extreme BSC cases, everyone could use a little unclenching in the MIL area. I am not saying they get a free pass to invade your marriage. But it takes a village and it's highly likely that (aside from blatant safety issues) your kids will do nothing but benefit from having time and experiences with their grandparents. Even if they are given too much juice or toys that make noise, or allowed to touch the dirty farm animal or whatever.

Hyaline · October 2013

LoisLayn23 said:

For a lot of women, it's empowering, not a feeling of vulnerability.

And it was for me, too--the part that I got through it. And it was something I had to do with my by myself. The actual labor? You're vulnerable. It's empowering, but there's no denying the vulnerability of labor and delivery. I don't like people witnessing me at my most vulnerable, so...no one else in L&D pleaseandthankyou.

I honestly don't get why the fuck moms or MILs WANT to be there? Maybe this is a difference between (yes I'm going there) unmedicated and epiduraled birth, at least for me. I was, for lack of a better term, working the whole time I was in labor. There was no down time, no talking, joking, TV watching, card playing. I didn't want extra people around just kind of witnessing me work, and I can't imagine they wanted to watch me breathe through hours and hours of contractions. (NOT a judgement on getting medication. Just saying--the outlook might change depending. Maybe you need mom's support more without pain meds, maybe you want her around less without pain meds. Personal choice, yadda yadda.)

Stasi · October 2013

I think there are plenty of special things parents and children share regardless of the sex of your kid. Sure, there is a mother/son dance at the wedding, but mom's to girls get to go homecoming shopping, prom dress shopping, wedding dress shopping, etc...

And FWIW to all you mom's of sons out there. Even though my MIL and I aren't BFFs,I really go out of my way to make her feel just as connected to Kate as my own mother does. My DH isn't really good about reaching out and inviting her over to see us, so I make the effort because I know she loves us..hopefully you all have DILs just like me someday...ha!

redneckmomma25 · October 2013

MIL didn't want to be in the room. In fact they didn't even come see me until the next morning (I had G at 10:30 at night so totally understandable.) my mom was with me almost all day during my induction. When it got really hard on me (4 hour of begging for drugs) she had to leave for a bit. When pushing started she left and didn't come back in until there was no blood. I fully intended to have no one in the room with me. My sister showed up a little before pushing. My mom took her kids and she helped me push. She held my back up for me and had a washcloth for me. I would have never done it any other way! It worked out great for me. She wasn't allowed to move from my head though. I think it really meant the world to her.

This really added no value to this thread. Sorry. But I typed it so I'm posting it.

L8kissie · October 2013

PenelopePond said:
Serious (dumb) question: will I (deserve) to be judged pushing my almost 4yo in a stroller at Disney this weekend? I never realized it was judge worthy (although the 6yo thing I understand).

Not at all, IMO. We go frequently. He walks slower, gets sidetracked and wanders, and gets tired. Often ds (4.5) is in the double stroller and I'm wearing dd. He sometimes chooses not to ride, which is fine too. Don't forget about the Child Services room at the end of Main St (nursing room, high chairs, changing stations, short kid toilets) and the free first visit pins if it is their first time (City Hall or Child Services).

redneckmomma25 · October 2013

My MIL has 3 boys. I'm not sure I would let her be there for pushing. But she totally could have spent time with me during the laboring process. And maybe even stay in the room as long as she wasn't in front if my vagina.

icedcoffeeluv · October 2013

melody921 said:

LoisLayn23 said:

I hate when people can't follow basic stairwell/hallway etiquette.
I hate when I'm walking down the hallway at work and someone coming the other way avert's his/her eyes to avoid saying hello. JC, I get we don't really know each other, but you can't just say hi?

I hate when you happen to keep seeing the same person over and over in passing and you have to keep saying Hi. I always want to duck down another row of cubicles or something to avoid it.

There is always that awkward moment of looking away until you get close enough to say "Hi!" again for the 6th time today.

BarefootContessa · October 2013

LoisLayn23 said:

I wanted someone to hold the puke bucket because DH gets sick if he sees puke. I wanted someone to keep DH and myself talking and take our minds off the decels everytime I wanted to change positions. I wanted someone to talk to at 2am when DH had nodded off for a nap and I didn't want an epidural yet. I wanted someone to assure me that I could lay in the same position and not thrash even through contractions because only 1 position made her HR stay up.

I totally get the sentiment of wanting it for you and your H and I totally get the "I want my mom because she's my mom" sentiment too. I just have a soft spot for reasonable MILs who won't get that experience because they dont' have daughters and for Hs who are momma's boys and want just as much reassurance as I'm getting from my mom.

Different strokes. Different relationships. Different circumstances.

:x :x That's what I hope my future to be. Not necessarily with regards to the L&D but just life in general. I want to have a healthy relationship with both my son and his partner!

Holly_1007 · October 2013

Hyaline said:

LoisLayn23 said:

For a lot of women, it's empowering, not a feeling of vulnerability.

And it was for me, too--the part that I got through it. And it was something I had to do with my by myself. The actual labor? You're vulnerable. It's empowering, but there's no denying the vulnerability of labor and delivery. I don't like people witnessing me at my most vulnerable, so...no one else in L&D pleaseandthankyou.

I honestly don't get why the fuck moms or MILs WANT to be there? Maybe this is a difference between (yes I'm going there) unmedicated and epiduraled birth, at least for me. I was, for lack of a better term, working the whole time I was in labor. There was no down time, no talking, joking, TV watching, card playing. I didn't want extra people around just kind of witnessing me work, and I can't imagine they wanted to watch me breathe through hours and hours of contractions. (NOT a judgement on getting medication. Just saying--the outlook might change depending. Maybe you need mom's support more without pain meds, maybe you want her around less without pain meds. Personal choice, yadda yadda.)

#whathyalinesaid
I was buckazz naked when I pushed Colby out. Didn't matter if you were above my head, you would have seen it all.

andplusalso. I have a uh piercing *ahem* down there. My mom doesn't need to know about that, and neither does my MIL

hmp1 · October 2013

I wanted to sleep in L&D. Thank god no one came to visit us (except my BFF that showed up like right after I was admitted just to give me a hug and then left). I took a glorious nap thanks to my epi. The second delivery was quick so we watched the Today show and then had a baby. Easy peasy.

If I'm asked to be in the delivery room as a Grandmother, I will probably try and talk them out of it. I don't want to be in there and I really cherish the time I had with just DH, myself, and the baby. I didn't need someone else standing over me staring at the baby while I tried to bf for the first time and did an hour of skin to skin.

Hyaline · October 2013

I also feel like "having MIL in the room" becomes the symbol or MIL/DIL relationships kind of unnecessarily. (In this convo maybe inadvertently, but I've seen it IRL too.) Some MILs don't want to be in there, and some DILs don't want MIL around for any number of reasons. You can have a functional, even happy, IL relationship without being comfortable sharing this particular experience. And the MIL who puts her own desire to be present for the birth of her grandchild above the needs of the woman giving birth gets the sideeye from me. It's not do or die, you have to there when the kid takes its first breath or you'll never be involved again. Same with the DIL who feels rejected because MIL isn't comfortable being there. Deal. Bajingos are not her thing.

FWIW MIL met her granddaughter first. She was closer. There was no finagling over this point--just "oh hey, you're going to make it up here first. Neat." I feel like weird stuff gets significance attached to it when half the time you can just write it off as "Oh, hey, this works out this way. You feel this way. Neat."

danabsd · October 2013

Stasi said:
And FWIW to all you mom's of sons out there. Even though my MIL and I aren't BFFs,I really go out of my way to make her feel just as connected to Kate as my own mother does. My DH isn't really good about reaching out and inviting her over to see us, so I make the effort because I know she loves us..hopefully you all have DILs just like me someday...ha!

I do as well! She is on the other end of the state and my mom is 5 minutes away so I make a large effort to make her feel included. Way more than DH does. :P

PenelopePond · October 2013

L8kissie said:

PenelopePond said:
Serious (dumb) question: will I (deserve) to be judged pushing my almost 4yo in a stroller at Disney this weekend? I never realized it was judge worthy (although the 6yo thing I understand).
Not at all, IMO. We go frequently. He walks slower, gets sidetracked and wanders, and gets tired. Often ds (4.5) is in the double stroller and I'm wearing dd. He sometimes chooses not to ride, which is fine too. Don't forget about the Child Services room at the end of Main St (nursing room, high chairs, changing stations, short kid toilets) and the free first visit pins if it is their first time (City Hall or Child Services).

Thank you for reminding me about the button! Ethan's birthday is Tuesday so we are celebrating at Disney Saturday. He would love a button.

I was mostly confused about the judging at the beginning of this thread. I thought I'd be included. Very happy to know that's not the case

jbBeans · October 2013

I don't care or think you're weird if you want(ed) your MIL (or anyone for that matter) in L&D with you.

I get pissed when people suggest that I'm twatty or even just a bit unreasonable for not wanting my MIL in there---yes, even if MH wants her there (which he didn't, but just saying hypothetically).

In labour, while it's a family event, I'M the one ultimately doing the work. Having my MIL in there would have hindered my ability to do my job. It would have made me uncomfortable. Therefore, no MIL in my room.

Personally, I would have been ok with having my mom there because I think she would have been really helpful. But my H wanted it to just be us, and I told him that I was ok with that as long as he took his role seriously as my support. He did, and I'm actually really happy, looking back, that it was just us.

Also, I dislike double stuff Oreos. Too much "cream." I like the originals, though.

ETA: clarity

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