Typical gender roles (a thought from the UO)

bornmommy · September 2013

After reading (some of) the UO thread, I started thinking about how many women on here have the "traditional gender roles" going in their marriage. I'm raising my hand. Even though I do work full time, I am counting down the days until I get to resign and stay at home with my babies. I happy that my husband is the breadwinner and I am happy with my role in the household (ie make dinner, do laundry, etc.) Yes, my husband lends a hand but the household is my main responsibility and the finances/fixing crap are his. This is no way devalues me as a woman and actually makes me feel like more of a partner in our marriage then I would feel if we had competing salaries and no one was ever home for our son.

Any other current moms or moms-to-be here like me and DH?

cd92007 · September 2013

I would say we don't, I'm definitely the handy one in the marriage (working on all the house stuff, etc). My job is cleaning (I love doing it) and he does all the cooking and laundry. We're pretty 50/50 split. We both work (and will continue to).

HOWEVER, I have HUGE respect for women who do all the traditional rolls. I think it's the hardest job a woman could do (stay home & watch the kids, handle all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, etc). Growing up I had a working mother and I was sooooo envious of friends who had moms who stayed home.

Unfortunately, I think I'm just like my own mother and I don't think I personally would be able to be a SAHM, but sometimes I wish I wanted to be!

This is me, for you: ^:)^ =D>

Holljade · September 2013

After DD i stayed at home for a year... I was not very good at it, I am missing the domestic gene (much to my own disappointment) I always imagined myself at this amazing homemaker and it just didn't work out for me. So i got back into my career

Katiecave · September 2013

I'm so excited to be a stay at home mom! I think it's as tough, or more so! Than my current job. But I feel like its what I was made to do! I feel pretty comfortable with us in "traditional" roles. It works for us.

hlm184 · September 2013

I will be staying home, but not because I'm a woman. Since day one I've had to sacrifice my career for DH's (we both knew that going in), and it's important to us that one person stays home with the kids. Since he makes more money, I'll be staying home. It also works out since we're considering home schooling and I'm the educator.

If things were the other way around, I'd work and he'd stay home.

We both hate cleaning and laundry, but I'm better at cooking.

bwelding85 · September 2013

I have absolutely no issue with women or men who choose to have more "traditional" gender roles in their marriage. You have to do what works for you. Ideally, I would love to stay home with DS and our new LO if finances would allow it (and DH agrees. We're working toward that goal). In households where both spouses work, there needs to be a common ground for cleaning, cooking, helping with children, doing finances, etc.

I think there will always a bit of a divide when it comes to childcare, especially in the early days, simply because women have more of a biological drive to be with their child.

My issue is more with bringing children up to think it HAS to be one way or another. There's a lot of room for flexibility. Men can stay home and clean. Women can go out make the bacon. That's why it drives me nuts to see divided toy aisles with one side sporting kitchens, cleaning toys, and baby dolls in all shades of pink and purple and another side with cars, trains, and monsters all in shades of blue. A not so subtle message that you can only be one thing or another.

Tferr02 · September 2013

I'm a SAHM, I love taking care of my son. However we still split chores. I'm in charge of finances because my husband is clueless. My husband does most of the cleaning, we split cooking and he does laundry, I fold and put away. My son is a full time job, so my dh and I still have to split chores.

Enami · September 2013

I'm sort of home now. But I worked while DH finished college and stayed home with DS. I quit my day job at the end of May, for several reasons. But I started a business (not direct sales), am teaching art (my major), and have dabbled in direct sales. I do the laundry and figure out most meals. I do most of the cleaning, but DH helps and he does all the dishes. Anything regarding DS, we share parenting responsibilities, because we feel that work does not offset parenting.

thomas930 · September 2013

I'm a SAHM but only because my husband had the higher paying job, if it had be switched then he would stay home. I take on the responsibility of the house including, cleaning, cooking, minor house repairs that I can do while he is at work, we tag team the yard but that's mostly his, and I pay all the bills and balance our check book. He helps when and where ever I need it. I have a bit of a control issue so I take charge in the areas it bugs me the most.

My DH wishes so much that he could be a stay at home dad.

joyfullyfound · September 2013

DH and I have more traditional roles just because I'm staying home. I take care of DD, and even though we say we'll share household responsibilities, I end up doing most of them. He earns the money, fixes what needs it, does the yard work/lawn, and the dishes half the time. Everything else is on me.

It was a hard transition after working full time. I miss interacting more with other adults, and something really tangible to show for how hard you worked all day (a pay cheque). For me, staying home is harder than my previous job... perhaps not physically, but emotionally for sure. I wouldn't have it any other way though

hordol · September 2013

Before I got pregnant, I always imagined myself as a working mom because I love teaching and didn't want to quit!

Well, pregnancy hormones do crazy things and now all I want to do is be a stay at home mom. It's a struggle to get through work each day. I hope this passes soon and things get back to normal because we really can't afford for me to stay home. My husband is definitely the breadwinner, but he doesn't make enough to cover our massive student loan payments.

Damn you, private schools. Someone go back in time and tell 18-year old me to make a more financially responsible decision for college! Lol. So in about 9 years when our loans are paid off, we could probably afford for me to stay home. So not for this LO but hopefully for ones to come!

ETA: As for things around the house, I do more of the inside stuff and DH does more of the outside stuff. I cook dinner, but DH cooks breakfast. DH also loads the dishwasher because I hate doing that. But I do most of the cleaning. We also each do our own laundry. So DH definitely pulls his weight around the house, but since I'm working I expect him to. If I wasn't working, I would probably do most everything (except lawn stuff, DH can do that on weekends.)

snmetz7 · September 2013

We pretty much are the exact opposite. I am the breadwinner in the family and since my hubs only works part time, he does all the household chores like cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. It works for us. We have even discussed having him be a SAHD since my salary alone does not afford us a good day care.

maelic · September 2013

My husband works for me and we both work from home, so we'll have the best of both worlds after the baby is born. It'll be difficult, but we can split childcare and chores and work 50-50, which is the way we want it.

amhah09 · September 2013

I've mostly stayed home since kids were born, working here and there and finishing school. Mostly because of school to be honest. I'm missing a homemaker gene as well. My DH cooks. We grocery shop together with the kids. Cleaning is split 50/50. DH probably does more laundry than I do. Man he works his ass off now that I think about it :-)

When I finish school in December and get a job in January it will be full time - which is three 12 hour shifts for me give or take. DH works 4 10s (usually ~11s) so our roles around the house have never been traditional because we don't have traditional jobs.

RocksInTheWater · September 2013

The only fixed roles we have are that DH does the yard work and I do laundry. I agree with OP, I took resposibility for the laundry because DH would accidentally shrink a lot of my clothes. I have threatened to stop folding and putting away his clothes because most everything he wears ends up in a pile on the floor of his closet. Drives me nuts. As far as other household chores, we both pitch in to do what needs to get done.

We have talked about when the baby comes and that I expect we will both be equal partners in taking care of baby. A few of my friends automatically shifted into the primary caretaker role (even though both work) giving their husbands a lot more free time to hang out with friends and do their own thing.

Stasi · September 2013

I work full time, as does my husband we do (and will) make the exact same pay from now until we retire, so we're even on that front...that being said, my DH stays home in the summer because he is a high school teacher and I continue to work year round, so that's a little different.

That being said, I still do the loin's share of the housework and cooking...so I guess that just makes me a chump

If I didn't love my career so much and we could afford it I would be a SAHM in a heartbeat!

homediva · September 2013

Oh we are so traditional it isn't even funny. I stay home and do all the cooking and housework and care for my son. My husband does the garbage and brings home the bacon. It works great for us!! Although I wish he was a bit more of a handyman. Oh well he probably wishes I was better at cleaning LOL.

CalinAZ · September 2013

We're definitely more equal than not (we split chores pretty much 50 - 50) and I was actually the main income for 5 years while he went to school. That said, in our new state, I make staggeringly less money than I used to (and than DH), so it does seem the the perfect opportunity to stay home for a year, which is something I'd always wanted to do. DH keeps reminding me that I will probably need to step it up with household stuff a bit more if I'm home, since he is generally more on top of things like laundry.

So, I think we're about to become more gender traditional. Right now, he's definitely doing a lot more chores while I'm not feeling well, though

.

AcaAwkward · September 2013

I never in a million years thought I'd be a SAHM and it was never something we planned on as I really enjoy working (and especially enjoyed practicing law in the nonprofit sector). However, the grant that funded my work was not renewed basically right at the same time my maternity leave was set to end so we kind of just fell into a much more traditional family structure.

I do love being at home with DD, but I struggle daily with this role I never imagined for myself. I actually have a lot of insecurities about my peers perceiving my current role as "wasting my education" or "ruining my career" although I know that has way more to do with my own mental junk than it does with what others are actually thinking.

It doesn't help that my husband's hours are so ridiculous that it makes household division of labor somewhat of a joke... I do basically everything domestic (love to cook and organize, don't mind terribly doing laundry, but hate deep cleaning and yard work so we outsource it). He's super helpful when he's home, especially with DD, but that's pretty much only an hour in the morning and then weekends. But, honestly, this would be the case even if I were working full time, just as a result of our hours.

I do plan on returning to work after this new LO is 1 or 2 and we move to our "forever city."

Rogue237 · September 2013

We are pretty equal salary wise - I make a little bit more and have more room for growth than he does, so I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up being part-time stay at home. He's an awesome man - he's basically fixing up our entire house by hand but also cleans, cooks, etc. I clean and cook as well, but lately he's been not letting me lift a finger because I've been so nauseous and he's a caregiver guy. He will be a great part-time SAHD - hopefully one day I can make enough so he can do that full time.

myschlove · September 2013

I think any marriage needs to be about supporting and helping each other. When I was working and my husband was working he usually got home first and started dinner for us but now that my DS is here I'm a stay-at-home mom and I love it !! it makes sense for me to do housework and laundry because I'm home all day

(and I'm better at it)
I'm all for traditional roles... I don't think it's an unpopular opinion

it's just one of many options

J&NL · September 2013

I'm currently the home maker but when we move to TN I'm going back to school to get my nursin degree. Then I will be working. H helps me with a lot of chores, especially now that I've gotten much lazier. He has been really good about helping me.

cloudninemom2be · September 2013

thomas930 said:
I'm a SAHM but only because my husband had the higher paying job, if it had be switched then he would stay home. I take on the responsibility of the house including, cleaning, cooking, minor house repairs that I can do while he is at work, we tag team the yard but that's mostly his, and I pay all the bills and balance our check book. He helps when and where ever I need it. I have a bit of a control issue so I take charge in the areas it bugs me the most.

My DH wishes so much that he could be a stay at home dad.

So true for us as well! Once baby is here I will be a full time SAHM. I completely relate to you when you say you are a bit of a control freak...I am!! I'm super organized and know like the back of my hand how thing work around the house (schedules/ bills/groceries/etc.) I enjoy it. In fact, I love having that responsibility. I am an event planner and a residential/business organizer, so I feel like I have the proper tools to keep the house in working order. My husband is a hard worker, he puts in his day/ travels all over the world and I am always sure to have the house and all that comes with it in order and ready for the next day.

RayRay007 · September 2013

I do most of the yard work (mowing the grass, etc. except for this year with his work schedule he's been doing most of the mowing) and fixing or building things (DH just doesn't have the knowledge, problem solving skills or patience). I do most of the cooking but he does most of the laundry. I do the finances. I do the majority of the childcare though even though we both work full time. The age old problem of the second shift.

ckred27 · September 2013

DH and I both work and love working. If I wanted to stay at home I could, but I have zero desire to do so. High five to those who do it, its hard work, just not for me. I give my kids tons of attn in the evenings and weekends, as does DH. They are happy, we are happy, its awesome. My sister will be watching the kids out of the house, helping with the cleaning and cooking (we are paying her of course, it will be her full time job). I am the main cleaner/cooker/laundry peep and the husband is the lawn/garbage/handyman so in that sense we are traditional. Looking foward to have the extra help my sister though!

cloudninemom2be · September 2013

@ckred27

Awesome for you and your hubby. Sounds like you have what works best for you, and I am a big believer in doing what you feel strongly about..in your case, both holding a job. Kudos to you. I am definitely not on either side of the spectrum here, I think there is a reason as to why every parent chooses to do what they do...I support either end on this debate.

J&NL · September 2013

If I could get a job right now, I would. Being a SAHM isn't for me. We can't afford daycare right now so I have to stay home. I don't hate it but I miss being independent and being able to contribute financially to the family.

kwolslager · September 2013

The dynamics of my marriage are the same, except I also do the finances. He gets a bit stressed when dealing with bills, and for some reason he has this strange idea that if you don't open up the bills, they go away. Lol.
But no doubt what your situation is.. If your a SAHM, working mom, if DH is a SAHD, if both of you work, single mom, etc,
PARENTING IS HARD... No book, movie, or advise will prepare you for all the responsibilities of maintaining home, work, and raising children.
I think we all deserve an award, or at the very least a nap!

Sisimama10 · September 2013

I would love to be a SAHM but can't afford to. I make more and will have to go back to work. But I will enjoy every second of maternity leave.

TheatreStar86 · September 2013

lia619 said:

I never in a million years thought I'd be a SAHM and it was never something we planned on as I really enjoy working (and especially enjoyed practicing law in the nonprofit sector). However, the grant that funded my work was not renewed basically right at the same time my maternity leave was set to end so we kind of just fell into a much more traditional family structure. I do love being at home with DD, but I struggle daily with this role I never imagined for myself. I actually have a lot of insecurities about my peers perceiving my current role as "wasting my education" or "ruining my career" although I know that has way more to do with my own mental junk than it does with what others are actually thinking. It doesn't help that my husband's hours are so ridiculous that it makes household division of labor somewhat of a joke... I do basically everything domestic (love to cook and organize, don't mind terribly doing laundry, but hate deep cleaning and yard work so we outsource it). He's super helpful when he's home, especially with DD, but that's pretty much only an hour in the morning and then weekends. But, honestly, this would be the case even if I were working full time, just as a result of our hours. I do plan on returning to work after this new LO is 1 or 2 and we move to our "forever city."
I can sympathize with the "wasting your education" sentiment! This is off topic but I am about to finish my doctorate and I'm too scared to tell my adviser/person I do the majority of my work with about my pregnancy because I do not want the guilt trip. He has been adamant about me being gung-ho and getting a fancy tenure track job and being more willing to move away from my DH for a job (yeah right, nice try buddy). One of his students (my friend) graduated, got a fancy job, had a baby then left her job a year after taking the position. He constantly makes comments about her and her choice and how he is not going to write her new letters of rec. because of her poor choice. Ugh! I want to take an adjunct/part time position (which are becoming the majority of prof. jobs anyway) in the area and be home more, I am terrified to tell him!

@lia619 - I totally get where you're coming from. Most jobs in academia right now are slim pickings. I'm going for those tenure track ones, but who knows what will be available. There are already some nice postings on adjunct and part-time faculty positions - and you might want to consider a smaller, private university, too. My adviser is really understanding, so she's ok with everything, but I really hope your talk goes well with yours! He sounds like kind of an ass if he thinks that everyone gets a tenure track position and doesn't want a family.

TheatreStar86 · September 2013

We don't follow the traditional roles. DH makes more than I do, but if I made more, he'd be the one better suited to being a SAHP. Neither of us will be staying home full time. As for house chores - I tend to push more for the cleaning, but we share it equally. I do the laundry, and he cooks.

Sarahjess06 · September 2013

My SO is the bread winner. I work full time as well, but as soon as this one is born (if not before) I plan to at least go part time. At this point I'm mainly just working for the insurance because we are not married yet. I can not wait for the day when I can stay at home full time! It's not really a gender role for us.... He just has a better job, more room for growth, and more overtime options. He enjoys working (me not so much haha) so this is just the way it is working out.

TheatreStar86 · September 2013

lia619 said:

Thanks @TheatreStar86! I am willing to take anything at this point! I would LOVE to work at a small private university! Ideally, full time tenure track would be awesome, hopefully something in my area comes up! But most of the postings are part time right now (if anything). I wish I was more flexible with moving, but I'm not right now. Are you nervous about being on the market while being pregnant? I am!

@lia619 I really am. We're moving back home, so I'm limited to Chicago. I totally get not being willing to move. It's completely reasonable. For me, Chicago a big city at least, but it's just the one. I'm really afraid I'll end up with adjunct positions and lose out on getting a research and teaching position. Have your apps started yet? My goal this weekend is to get a start of two due in October and then find some more. If you ever find anything about being on the job market while pregnant, let me know and I'll keep you posted, too!

CurlieWhirlie · September 2013

I think the key to true feminism and female empowerment is being cool with whatever a woman chooses to do with her life, whether that be to stay at home and care for the children, or work full-time and pay for a nanny. The thing that I can't stand is feeling judged by some of the other mothers at my son's preschool because I do work, and my mother does the drop-off and pick-up of my son. Like I'm not a good mother because I'm not "there for him" 24 hours a day. And I'm sure a lot of you who are SAHMs feel judged for *not* working. I think that's what we, as women, need to fight against, is that knee-jerk judgement of any woman who chooses a path different from ours. It's human nature to mistrust people who live their lives differently than we do, because we feel it invalidates our own life choices, but we need to rise above that and be more thoughtful about it.

So all of you moms who work full-time in the home, full-time outside the home, or part time in both, you are awesome. Keep up the good work.

TheatreStar86 · September 2013

lia619 said:

@TheatreStar86 my apps have started! Some are due really early! I will let you know if I see/have any advice for pregnancy and the academic job market, I haven't found anything yet. I really don't like that the interviews will be when Im very pregnant, but our credentials should speak for themselves! Best of luck to you!

I know. Interviews couldn't have come at a worse time. Good luck on the market! Keep me posted if you get an interview!

Asljoc · September 2013

Even before we got married I knew I wanted to be a SAHM. DD was born at the beginning of the school year so I went back after my maternity leave mainly for the insurance. She was 10 months when the school year ended and I was sooooo excited to be able to stay home with her. I did not realize how bored I would get. I was going over to my mom's house every other day just to get us out of the house. I finally found a playgroup in my area. It saved my sanity for sure.

I love that DH is able to support us. I would not trade this "job" for anything!

mrscrcalli · September 2013

Parts of me really love the idea of being a SAHM but I've worked my ass off for so many years in college and in my career to bare the thought of walking away from it all. Who knows I hear babies change your world and you end up doing things you never thought. I have 25 weeks paid maternity leave so in that time I may fall in love with being home more than anything. I'll let you know in a a year!

bornmommy · September 2013

@mrscrcalli 25 weeks PAID?!?! What on Earth do you do?! And are you in the US?

Kelseyl34 · September 2013

I want to be a SAHM so bad! Right now I work part time and it works for us and with the added cost of a baby I doubt I can be a SAHM, but my dh is making more money then before so it might be possible if we budget well. If I do work part time I want to make it work without paying for child care cause there goes half my money, so we shall see!

I do have to say I always thought having a parent home was better for the child but after seeing many kids who went through daycare and how well socialized they are I think they are pluses and minuses of both.

mrscrcalli · September 2013

bornmommy said:
@mrscrcalli 25 weeks PAID?!?! What on Earth do you do?! And are you in the US?

Yes I am in the US..I've been with the company for a long time and put in about 50 hours a week, travel away from my family often. The benefits are good but they certainly don't come free lol

Tantan2779 · September 2013

DH works, I stay home. I did have to work with my first 2 & I hated it. I am doing what I love! I would work part time when they are all in school if the opportunity came up. I do most of the household chores now, but still get help when I need it. DH knows I like to stay busy with the kids (park, library, crafts, fun!!) so he has no problem if stuff gets behind & helps where he can.

Want a personalized experience?

Typical gender roles (a thought from the UO)

Re: Typical gender roles (a thought from the UO)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards