Boyfriend not being supportive

honomo · July 2013

I am pregnant, and my boyfriend doesn't want anything to do with the baby. Probably because I lied and said I was taking birth control, when in reality, I WANTED him to knock me up... I can't keep a steady job, house, or ANYTHING for my current two children, and he seemed like a well-rounded guy. I mean, after all, he's in the military. And because of his position in the military, I know he'll have to take care of me and the baby (and, consequently, my other two kids). I want him to marry me so I don't have to worry about my ex-husband taking my two kids from me. So I let him knock me up, and acted like it was a surprise to me. Maybe he's figured me out, and maybe that's why he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Help!

honomo · July 2013

Sorry, i made a typo. Went to correct it and it messed up and deleted the whole thing.

diamante1181 · July 2013

I don't want this to sound terrible, but how reasonable is it to expect someone to be supportive who has been seriously lied to? You didn't lie about your age, having a child is a SERIOUS LIFE CHANGING EVENT that is something you should BOTH have wanted. You didn't have the right to make that decision for him, nor to expect him to carry the load of your two other children whom he didn't father at all. Sounds horribly selfish what you've done, and you can't expect a logical person to react any other way. Relationships built on lies never last, and marriages built with broken foundations always collapse.

honomo · July 2013

I'm still figuring this out.

honomo · July 2013

But I DO love him, and I know he loves me. Surely I'm not the only mom out there who's baited a husband?

Meery82 · July 2013

MUD

honomo · July 2013

You're being so mean... I thought this was a place to go for support? I'm just trying to be honest about my situation. What can I do?

diamante1181 · July 2013

I'm sure you're not. And that, in and of itself, is a travesty. What happens when the child finds out his father never wanted him? If something were to happen, even if your scheme did work, how would you support 3 children as a single mom when you couldn't even provide for 2? Is it safe to assume you are on or would go on public assistance? Is that fair either? Everyone else has to be responsible for those situations? Ugh I'm out.

hippiechick21 · July 2013

Omg... you are a horrible person.

honomo · July 2013

I UNDERSTAND it was a bad decision. Ugh, I've made lots of them. But it's about WHERE I GO FROM HERE. And I don't have any idea where to start. How to fix it. i'm going to have a baby, and I'm scared as hell. I don't need judgment, i need advice.

honomo · July 2013

i'm really not a terrible person. you'd have to walk a mile in my shoes to know anything about where i've been, what i've been up against... and you just can't know that based on this one conversation, can you? I'm really, really hoping to find some good advice about how to correct the problem, to make a family out of something that started with deceit. how can I? anyone?

honomo · July 2013

I don't know what mud means.

diamante1181 · July 2013

Psychologically there is something seriously deficient in you that justifies what you have done. You may have to come to terms with the reality that he may not want to be a family with you. I would recommend some counseling for yourself, and telling him the TRUTH. You can't begin to forgive someone if you don't know the ins and outs of what has happened.

honomo · July 2013

I can't, can't CANT terminate. Why is that always listed as an option? I'm catholic. I just can't do that.

cattuccino · July 2013

I have a hard time accepting a catholic card considering the deceit that's also in play.

mcgeeva · July 2013

All I can say is your poor children. Obviously having a man is your first and only priority.

diamante1181 · July 2013

And please don't be a cafeteria Catholic. It is a sin to have relations outside of marriage, that is called fornication. It is a sin to be on birth control (if you are Catholic) except for medical reasons, it is a sin to lie, and it is a sin to not fulfill your obligations as a parent. Any time spent in a Catholic church would tell you all of these things.

Meery82 · July 2013

PLEASE tell me this is MUD. OP, if this is true, don't expect to get smoke blown up your áss around here. You're going to get honest responses and you probably aren't going to like a one of them. But you will get good advice. You just have to have the balls to take what is dished out. And what you did is seriously fùcked up.

honomo · July 2013

that's why i'm being honest about the deceit!!! I have come clean, and I plan to come clean with him as well, but I just advice on how to do it. Especially if he's already figured it out on his own. How do I go back and tell him 'the truth' when he's already made up his mind? I can't get him to answer his phone, and regardless of how it all happened, he's still the father, and he should take my calls, right?

mcgeeva · July 2013

Catholic using that card really?! You must of forgot the part where you get married first as well? Or the part about divorce? Or lying? You really need to grow up, get a job and put your kids first and I don't mean by baiting another man and trying to pop another one out.

honomo · July 2013

I understand people are going to be honest and share their opinions... but when do we get to the advice part? the GOOD advice? because I NEED IT. I need to know where to go from here.

I'm facing a very long and lonely road ahead, and maybe I do deserve it, but I'd like to believe I am deserving of a second chance. we've all been given second chances.

honomo · July 2013

I GET THAT YOU ALL THINK IM A TERRIBLE PERSON. At what point can we get past that though? Come on!!

honomo · July 2013

THE BIBLE ALSO SAYS NOT TO JUDGE! Glass houses and all, right?

mcgeeva · July 2013

Lonely road? Wow is this the part where you play pity me? I take it you did this with your two other children. Relationship wasn't working out so you lied and happened to get knocked up then too? Good luck with your lifetime of bad karma.

honomo · July 2013

I hope that at least one person on this website is in a similar situation. if so, message me. I don't know if I can take everyone ganging up on me.

diamante1181 · July 2013

Actually no glass house here. We got married by the Church almost 2 years ago, our babies are due in February.

I did leave some good advice, which was to seek counseling for yourself, tell him the truth, and try to have a plan B, such as a job, because his meal ticket may not come through for you.

iverske9 · July 2013

I have no words as to how awful that is to do to anyone.

As for advice, come clean hope for the best and go apply for state help and get a therapist because you obviously have your priorities really screwed up.

mcgeeva · July 2013

diamante1181 said:
Psychologically there is something seriously deficient in you that justifies what you have done. You may have to come to terms with the reality that he may not want to be a family with you. I would recommend some counseling for yourself, and telling him the TRUTH. You can't begin to forgive someone if you don't know the ins and outs of what has happened.

Perfectly said!

mcgeeva · July 2013

I never said I was a die hard catholic! Ha hilarious

Meery82 · July 2013

I hope that at least one person on this website is in a similar situation. if so, message me. I don't know if I can take everyone ganging up on me.

It's sounds like you can't handle it. You've been given some good advice already by previous posters. It's up to you whether you take it or not. I doubt you are going to find honest answers anywhere else, so suck it up and take the bad with the good. Like I said, you may get judged here but you will get solid advice. Stick around.

cattuccino · July 2013

honomo said:
I hope that at least one person on this website is in a similar situation. if so, message me. I don't know if I can take everyone ganging up on me.

No ones "ganging up" on you. We just are shocked by your admittance of shocking behaviour. You're looking for advice that is hard to give beyond what's been given.

Be honest. And no one can tell you the "best way" or "easiest way" to tell your boyfriend you lied and purposely got pregnant to use him and his money.
You've admitted you can't hold a job - we don't know why, other than perhaps an honesty problem - but again, try and get a job and do the best you can. You have you, Two other children and one on the way to think about, not just how lonely you may feel if this guy leaves you.

There is no advice in the world that can truly help you the way it seeks youre seeking. There's no easy fix to this, especially if abortion is off the table. If you're that rooted in faith and your religion, then I recommend a confessional, and maybe that will help you feel better.

Either way - you really need to try and sort things out. If you want a future with this guy, you need to be honest.
And please don't forget about the needs of your two children already, and this one.

honomo · July 2013

I feel attacked for my former divorce, but you people don't know the abuse i suffered at the hands of my ex. and i'm still trying to figure things out on my own. i was married to him for 10 years, right out of high school, and i have never known how to take care of myself. I WILL get it together, i know that. it's just hard right now.

diamante1181 · July 2013

But not impossible. Put forth all your effort to improving yourself and your quality of life. I guarantee that action is the antidote to worry.

cattuccino · July 2013

I am truly sorry. Many of us have unpleasant histories also, we all react differently. No ones attacking your divorce, it's the "catholic" answer you gave after a suggested termination. It's hard to witness people picking and choosing what aspects of religion they hold sacred.
It might be worth while looking into government funded programs that can help you - getting a job for example. Housing if its an issue.
I'm honestly not sure how 10 years out of high school and you say you can't take care of yourself....when you have 2 children to care for - you must be managing on some level.

Balabusta · July 2013

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

le bebe xo · July 2013

SN is Ho No Mo. This has to be MUD. *i hope*

TravelingCouple · July 2013

Yeah..I'm pretty sure this is MUD. If not, well, then, there's no hope for you.

honomo · July 2013

I just didn't get an education. i counted too much on my former husband for everything. he was so controlling, that he wouldn't let me work. I'm half-way through nursing school, just can't afford to finish. Loans are crazy out of control, and that's causing problems with finding housing. the list goes on and on. I am trying really hard to be honest about everything, even if it makes me look like a terrible mom. And I want to be honest with him too... I just want to do so in a way that can hopefullyMAYBE salvage the relationship. He knows about my past, so I think he might be understanding. it's the what ifs that have me stressing right now.

honomo · July 2013

thank you, those of you who've actually posted useful advice. how do i delete this post? i don't want to keep getting notifications.

honomo · July 2013

what the heck is the mud stuff about? is that some super secret way of judging me? so sick of this! Just tellm e how to delete this. I don't even know why i bothered signing up.

honomo · July 2013

i'm sorry that my posts aren't about my latest cravings... or gas or bloating or morning sickness. i'm sorry that i've got DIFFERENT problems. i'm sorry that you had to read through my post, but i promise i would delete it if ic ould figure out how!!!!

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