My ongoing drama with DH

scorch · February 2013

I've posted before about my husband accusing me of doing vile things to him in his sleep. He wakes up in pain in his rectum and he thinks its me doing it to him. ( it's not , I assure you. I'm a full time working mom and I like to sleep at night.). It's gotten bad and then better, then really bad, ect. He's told me that he is going to go to the ER and tell them he was raped by me, and then I would get arrested, and go to jail. This past Saturday night, around midnight I heard him get up , get dressed and go out for a drive. He turned in the direction of the hospital, but he may have just been going for a drive. In any case, it kind of scared the liver out of me, I laid in bead for 2 hours waiting for the sheriff to show up. It made me realise that I am in an emotionally abusive situation here and I really need to get some help, as does he. There may be some question of DH experiencing a dissociative state due to violence as a child or sexual abuse that he just doesn't remember.

I'm going to go get help for the emotional abuse part of my situation. I can only hope he will see someone for himself at some point. We have three little girls and no matter what happens I need to be strong and healthy for them.

jorkz821 · February 2013

I remember your story from before. I'm sorry you're still dealing with it. Maybe he really should go to the ER and they can get him a psych referral. I mean, based on his complaints, they'll do an exam right? And see no damage or scarring or whatever. You should encourage him to go.
But yes therapy for you as we'll sounds like a great idea. I hope you find some solutions soon.

littlestjerry · February 2013

That is quite frightening. Does he have a diagnosed mental illness? How often does he accuse you of doing this?

It doesn't sound like emotional abuse to me, unless there's more to the story. It sounds like something is going wrong inside of his brain. I'm sorry you're dealing with this!

RondackHiker · February 2013

You and he need help NOW. Does he really believe you'd do that to him? If my H accused me of rape, I think I'd ask him to leave until he sorted everything out, or at least got checked by a doctor.

I really am sorry you're dealing with this. How horrible for you both.

RockyTopVols · February 2013

You know- maybe he does actually feel physical pain there. It should probably get checked out my a Dr anyway.

But I can't believe he accuses you of raping him in his sleep. That is weird. If I wake up with a stomach ache, I don't immediately think "damnit, my wife shoved a rotting fish down my throat while I slept".

Like.. I mean.. I would like to think that if my wife was anally raping me at night I would be able to wake up and you know.. stop her from sodomizing me?

Sounds like you are on the right track- you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Holding you hostage to his empty threats isn't healthy at all. The fact you were there for 2 hours waiting for the police to come arrest you is crazy.

I say if he threatens it again- tell him to go get checked because he probably does need some help. Whether he is actually physically in pain or if he is emotionally in pain... it sounds like he needs help.

LaylaPartDeux · February 2013

RockyTopVols:
You know maybe he does actually feel physical pain there. It should probably get checked out my a Dr anyway.nbsp;But I can't believe he accuses you of raping him in his sleep. That is weird. If I wake up with a stomach ache, I don't immediately think "damnit, my wife shoved a rotting fish down my throat while I slept".Like.. I mean.. I would like to think that if my wife was anally raping me at night I would be able to wake up and you know.. stop her from sodomizing me? nbsp;Sounds like you are on the right track you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. The fact you were there for 2 hours waiting for the police to come arrest you is crazy.I say if he threatens it again tell him to go get checked because he probably does need some help. Whether he is actually physically in pain or if he is emotionally in pain... it sounds like he needs help.

All of this. Sorry you're going through this, OP.

jorkz821 · February 2013

And I wanted to add:
Are you at all concerned that his accusations may turn violent against you? If you're worried about a dissociative state, he needs to see a professional ASAP, for himself but for your safety as well. I'd be terrified. Not of his claims putting me in jail but of his agitation getting physical.
Honestly, you and your kids, or he, needs to get out until this is sorted. He needs help.

littlestjerry · February 2013

jorkz821:
And I wanted to add: Are you at all concerned that his accusations may turn violent against you? If you're worried about a dissociative state, he needs to see a professional ASAP, for himself but for your safety as well. I'd be terrified. Not of his claims putting me in jail but of his agitation getting physical. Honestly, you and your kids, or he, needs to get out until this is sorted. He needs help.

I agree with this. If he has convinced himself you are raping him, I would be afraid he could convince himself to hurt you or someone else. Have you considered trying to get him involuntarily committed to a psychiatric facility?

FairyDuster003 · February 2013

This is so strange! I wonder why he thinks he is sleeping through anal rape?? Weird.

I agree he may have past issues coming back to haunt him!

acaudill75 · February 2013

I agree with PPs. Let him go to the ER, try and file a police report, and he will probably get Baker-Acted. Which might be a blessing for him, and for you. If you think he might have been sexually abused as a child, then it is even more important that he gets help, because you have young children. I am not saying that every person who is abused abuses, but many do because of the damage it does to them psychologically. Better to make sure the cycle ends now. My dad had flashbacks from Vietnam, and while he would NEVER hurt me, my mom found him under the dining room table with a kitchen knife, babbling incoherently. Mix that with a small child, and its a recipe for disaster. I'm glad you recognize it for what it is and are willing to get help. GL.

angeleighhh · February 2013

What? I am glad you're going to get help and I hope he does too. I work in the mental illness part of the medical field and I can definitely say that it sounds like he has some issue there.

We have a client who accuses other people of the same thing. Dx with schizophrenia and a slew of other things.

scorch · February 2013

RockyTopVols:
You know- maybe he does actually feel physical pain there. It should probably get checked out my a Dr anyway.
But I can't believe he accuses you of raping him in his sleep. That is weird. If I wake up with a stomach ache, I don't immediately think "damnit, my wife shoved a rotting fish down my throat while I slept".
Like.. I mean.. I would like to think that if my wife was anally raping me at night I would be able to wake up and you know.. stop her from sodomizing me?
Sounds like you are on the right track- you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Holding you hostage to his empty threats isn't healthy at all. The fact you were there for 2 hours waiting for the police to come arrest you is crazy.
I say if he threatens it again- tell him to go get checked because he probably does need some help. Whether he is actually physically in pain or if he is emotionally in pain... it sounds like he needs help.

He has been to a Dr for his prostate. That's what I thought at first too. Sometimes the prostate can get so enlarged that it presses on the rectum and causes pain. The dr gave him a clean bill of health. What is so weird is that he can get pissed off at me in the middle night, and then hug and kiss me in the morning before he goes to work. If it were reversed, I would absolutly move out of the bedroom until I felt safe again. That is why the subject of dissociative disorder came up because it was sudden , alarming and extreme.

mom2pottamus · February 2013

I can't imagine going through something like this, I am incredibly sorry. To be living in fear of being reported by your husband for raping him has got to be beyond anything most of us could even comprehend. Please follow through on taking care of yourself, and have a safe place to go in case things escalate. Also I would document for yourself when he accuses you, dates/times etc...should he ever go to the police it will be really helpful for you to have something showing it to be an ongoing delusion, the police can review what you have and it could help him get the help he obviously needs.

ridesbuttons · February 2013

In all honesty, I would seriously consider separating from this man. Like, right now.

He's accusing you of sodomizing him in his sleep? WTF?

This is going to sound crazy but consider that he might have something physically wrong with his brain that needs to get looked in to. The husband of a friend of mine went through some sudden and extreme personality changes several years ago, outbursts of anger and the like. He was diagnosed with a brain tumour that was causing the personality issues.

RondackHiker · February 2013

HilarityEnsued:
scorch:
What is so weird is that he can get pissed off at me in the middle night, and then hug and kiss me in the morning before he goes to work.  
Um... does he acknowledge that this stuff happens in the middle of the night?  Does he remember it?  I would 100% be installing a camera in my room to video us when we sleep so that could easily put that sh!t to rest.  And then I would use that video to force him into therapy. 
At the very least, he should see a doctor about the whack sleep stuff.

I agree with HE. When he tried to kiss me in the AM, I'd be like, "umm, no kisses after you accuse me of rape, buddy." Have you brought it up at other times?

He needs a sleep study, immediately. Among other things.

Staying with someone through sickness and help doesn't include taking legal risks or physical ones. If he's unaware of what he's doing at night and is mad at you, that is NOT safe.

missyishere · February 2013

I am actually a little more than fearful for your safety. I think he needs evaluated soon, because he is clearly not thinking rationally and who knows how far he will take his accusations. I would be leaving him asap, especially since he seems detached from the situation once he wakes.

lrn327 · February 2013

ridesbuttons:
In all honesty, I would seriously consider separating from this man. Like, right now.
He's accusing you of sodomizing him in his sleep? WTF?
This is going to sound crazy but consider that he might have something physically wrong with his brain that needs to get looked in to. The husband of a friend of mine went through some sudden and extreme personality changes several years ago, outbursts of anger and the like. He was diagnosed with a brain tumour that was causing the personality issues.

Oh my goodness, this was my thought too. For very sudden changes like this, I think tumors would always be considered. OP, hugs to you and please convince your husband to seek help.

30HelensAgree · February 2013

Did you ask him where he went in the middle of the night? Is this something he does usually?

klondikebar · February 2013

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think he needs to get help immediately.

RondackHiker · February 2013

missyishere:
I am actually a little more than fearful for your safety. I think he needs evaluated soon, because he is clearly not thinking rationally and who knows how far he will take his accusations. I would be leaving him asap, especially since he seems detached from the situation once he wakes.

Me too.

scorch · February 2013

30HelensAgree:
Did you ask him where he went in the middle of the night? Is this something he does usually?

i didn't ask him where he went, I didn't really need to know. I just wanted to acknowledge that he left the house in the middle of the night.

And to other posters, I just wanted to acknowledge that he has gotten a little physical with me in the past , it was maybe 3 or four months ago. He pushed me when he got back in bed . But I told him he was to never put his hands on me like that ever again. And he hasn't since then.

I feel safe enough in my own house and I am not worried about him being physical with the kids. I really just want this part of our life to be done with.

thank you all for your kind words and support.

biokitty42 · February 2013

Lurker here, but I thought this might help. My DH occasionally wakes up with anal/rectal pain in the middle of the night, and we came across this condition while trying to figure out what was going on:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proctalgia_fugax" target="_blank" title="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proctalgia_fugax">https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proctalgia_fugax

Hopefully that is clicky; I've never done this before. It sounds like there are bigger issues at hand, but maybe it will help you if you can show him this information.

ETA: Completely failed at link. Check out Proctalgia fugax on Wikipedia.

ridesbuttons · February 2013

scorch:
30HelensAgree:
Did you ask him where he went in the middle of the night? Is this something he does usually?
i didn't ask him where he went, I didn't really need to know. I just wanted to acknowledge that he left the house in the middle of the night.
And to other posters, I just wanted to acknowledge that he has gotten a little physical with me in the past , it was maybe 3 or four months ago. He pushed me when he got back in bed . But I told him he was to never put his hands on me like that ever again. And he hasn't since then.
I feel safe enough in my own house and I am not worried about him being physical with the kids. I really just want this part of our life to be done with.
thank you all for your kind words and support.

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

GTFO.

RondackHiker · February 2013

Scorch, sweetie, I get that you want this to be over with. I get that you want him to be the guy you loved.

But right now something very wrong is happening. He's either accusing you for funsies, which would mean he is abusive, or he's very sick.

You haven't said... After he accuses you what does he say when you're talking the next day? Does it come up?

I worry that if he is ill and he doesn't know what he is doing in the night that he could hurt you in his fear and anger. That would be a logical reaction to being raped, and if he really believes that, you're in danger.

The accusations, the pushing, the leaving in the night are NOT NORMAL. And it seems to be escalating. What if he was in an accidmrt driving around in that state? He needs to see a doctor immediately. He needs a full work up, and to be seen by a sleep specialist, a psychiatrist, and a gastroenterologist. Now. He could hurt himself or someone else.

grr_aargh · February 2013

HilarityEnsued:
lrn327:
ridesbuttons:
This is going to sound crazy but consider that he might have something physically wrong with his brain that needs to get looked in to. The husband of a friend of mine went through some sudden and extreme personality changes several years ago, outbursts of anger and the like. He was diagnosed with a brain tumour that was causing the personality issues.
Oh my goodness, this was my thought too. For very sudden changes like this, I think tumors would always be considered. OP, hugs to you and please convince your husband to seek help.
Suggesting a brain tumor is absolutely not crazy. And any doctor that didn't do an MRI for such a sudden and extreme change in demeanor would get the side-eye from me. This is actually one of the very classic hallmark symptoms of many kinds of brain tumors.

I read an article recently on brain tumors. It was fascinating. Here it is: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/print/2011/07/the-brain-on-trial/308520/

OP, I find this very concerning. I found it concerning before - when I suggested a physician AND a psychiatrist/therapist. I find it moreso now. I just don't even know what to say.

RondackHiker · February 2013

Since the last time you posted, has anything happened? Has he seen a doctor? I am very, very worried for you.

scorch · February 2013

biokitty42:
Lurker here, but I thought this might help. My DH occasionally wakes up with anal/rectal pain in the middle of the night, and we came across this condition while trying to figure out what was going on:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proctalgia_fugax" target="_blank" title="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proctalgia_fugax">https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proctalgia_fugax
Hopefully that is clicky; I've never done this before. It sounds like there are bigger issues at hand, but maybe it will help you if you can show him this information.
ETA: Completely failed at link. Check out Proctalgia fugax on Wikipedia.

i looked that up and it sounds like what might be going on. Did he get any relief?

[Deleted User] · February 2013

] I agree with scoutnumbers. Dude, reading your posts in here give me a terrible pit in my stomach. You need to be apart until this gets sorted out. He is repeatedly accusing you of raping him, and that's not an insignificant thing. This is an abusive situation for sure, and I am glad you are acknowledging that at least. You need to see the whole picture though. This is a really bad & dangerous situation. Please take your kids & leave until he gets a completely & totally checked out & cleared. He needs to have this addresses immediately.

Also, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. ((hugs))

RondackHiker · February 2013

scorch:
biokitty42:
Lurker here, but I thought this might help.  My DH occasionally wakes up with anal/rectal pain in the middle of the night, and we came across this condition while trying to figure out what was going on:
 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proctalgia_fugax" target="_blank" title="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proctalgia_fugax">https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proctalgia_fugax
Hopefully that is clicky; I've never done this before.  It sounds like there are bigger issues at hand, but maybe it will help you if you can show him this information. 
ETA: Completely failed at link.  Check out Proctalgia fugax on Wikipedia.
i looked that up and it sounds like what might be going on.  Did he get any relief? 

Scorch, NO. Even if he is in excruciating pain, it is NOT NORMAL to accuse your spouse of rape and get physical and then act as if everything is hunky dory the next day. Even if this is causing his pain, his reaction isn't okay. I think something much deeper is going on.

RondackHiker · February 2013

I want so bad for this to be MUD because I am so afraid for the OP. But I have this horrible feeling it isn't.

Scorch, please stick around. Please listen. I want to grab you and your children and get you out.

There's something wrong. I believe he is in pain. But the rest... You're in danger.

Smootchy · February 2013

what an odd lil man...

scorch · February 2013

i really appreciate your concern, believe me I do. It brought tears to my eyes. I'm going to sleep downstairs tonight just for my peace of mind. This is going to take a kind of strength and confidence that I haven't really had in this area of my life. I just want him to know that I am serious about getting help and he needs to be as well.

30HelensAgree · February 2013

I'm mobile so hopefully this isn't too jumbled.
He needs a complete physical and psychological work up today.
Are you accustomed to extreme dysfunction? I'm having a hard time understanding how this situation made it past the first accusation of anal rape. Most women would be unsettled enough to remove herself and her children from this obvious threat. You don't seem nearly as concerned for your safety as you should. Please start acting on this right now. Therapy, while warranted, should be towards the bottom of your to do list.

RondackHiker · February 2013

scorch:
i really appreciate your concern, believe me I do. nbsp;It brought tears to my eyes. nbsp;I'm going to sleep downstairs tonight just for my peace of mind. nbsp;This is going to take a kind of strength and confidence that I haven't really had in this area of my life. nbsp;I just want him to know that I am serious about getting help and he needs to be as well.nbsp;

I'm glad you're doing something. You can do this.

Remember that he should want this solved as much as you do. Does he remember or know he pushed you?

I know you worry he experienced abuse before, and maybe the pain is triggering PTSD flashbacks.

I've been through PTSD. You don't want to be the focus of the PTSD rage panic freak out. Its taken a lot of therapy for me to control my freak outs. I would be dangerous if I was out of control and thought I was unsafe. I say that very seriously.

grr_aargh · February 2013

Scout2005:
scorch:

i really appreciate your concern, believe me I do. It brought tears to my eyes. I'm going to sleep downstairs tonight just for my peace of mind. This is going to take a kind of strength and confidence that I haven't really had in this area of my life. I just want him to know that I am serious about getting help and he needs to be as well.
I wouldn't leave it so that he has access to your girls. I'm very serious about this. He needs to never be alone with them right now.
Really, it would be better if you and the kids weren't somewhere he has access at night.

I agree.

This isn't a little bump in the marriage road - it's a deep psychological crisis. If this is the first time he's exhibited such behavior, I would be extraordinarily worried that something very wrong was happening. If this is an increasing pattern of behavior over the course of your relationship, I'd still be concerned. But what you described seems very divorced from reality - and if he's having some sort of psychotic break, safety needs to be a priority concern.

What are the standards for involuntary committment in your state? Have YOU spoken with a psychiatrist or physician about him? Something big needs to happen.

scorch · February 2013

Scout2005:
scorch:
biokitty42:
Lurker here, but I thought this might help. My DH occasionally wakes up with anal/rectal pain in the middle of the night, and we came across this condition while trying to figure out what was going on:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proctalgia_fugax" target="_blank" title="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proctalgia_fugax">https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proctalgia_fugax
Hopefully that is clicky; I've never done this before. It sounds like there are bigger issues at hand, but maybe it will help you if you can show him this information.
ETA: Completely failed at link. Check out Proctalgia fugax on Wikipedia.
i looked that up and it sounds like what might be going on. Did he get any relief?
The thing is, I'm sure he has rectal pain. But that doesn't MATTER.
If my H was in pain, he wouldn't accuse me of causing it. And if he did, he would certainly believe me if I told him I hadn't touched that area. It would never be an ongoing obsession, with threats of hospitals and police. And shoving.
His physical discomfort is just an excuse for what seems to be going on mentally.

that s where the dissociative disorder comes in. But if there is an actual root cause, then maybe he will believe me when I tell him that it was not me causing him this pain. It's absolutly humiliating to have to defend yourself to your husband who will not believe you no matter what .

Venus04d · February 2013

chapski:
what an odd lil man...

That's a completely inappropriate response.

Scorch, please, please, please take your girls and go today. Sit down and write him a letter. Explain the why, explain what you think he can do to improve things, etc. You can fill it with love and support and respect and encourage him to get help, but he needs to get the help while you KNOW you are safe. I know it probably feels like typical TB dramatics, but it's not. This is serious and sometimes that's just easier to see from outside the situation.

Please listen to Scout. Do you have family you could go stay with?

RondackHiker · February 2013

Dude, scorch. I mean... Does he believe it's you in the daytime?

If he's in a dissociative state he is dangerous. Period.

He needs more care than you can give.

He needs a psych consult. Now.

You should not be trying to convince him it isn't you and to get care. You should be seeing if he can go to the hospital.

Listen, I was raped. If he believes he was raped and you want to ignore the risk to you and the girls... He could be suicidal. I was. Most victims are at some point.

Get him to the hospital.

ASmallWonder · February 2013

Scout2005:
chapski:
what an odd lil man...

Dude, really?

Seriously, THIS is the reaction?

OP, I just want to do an across the board ditto to what the ladies here have already said. I believe he has a physical issue but his response to it is not normal or rational so there is absolutely a mental component at play here. And it's SO off the wall that you can't put anything past him. Anything you could have sworn to in the past - like that he'd never hurt you or your kids - you just can't know now because he isn't the same person. Something in his brain is not functioning correctly either due to mental illness or a medical problem affecting his judgement. PLEASE get some help for your family. This isn't a small issue and has the potential to escalate quickly and to a very bad place.

littlestjerry · February 2013

scorch:
that s where the dissociative disorder comes in. But if there is an actual root cause, then maybe he will believe me when I tell him that it was not me causing him this pain. It's absolutly humiliating to have to defend yourself to your husband who will not believe you no matter what .

It's obviously a lot easier for everyone here to say GTFO than it is for you to actually leave, but it also seems like you're taking some of the blame here almost. It should not make you feel humiliated, but rather scared that he's capable of having these thoughts. You're kind of implying that you both need to work on some things, but that's not true! Therapy will help you, but the immediate concern we're all having is that he is having some serious mental health problems that might cause him to hurt you, your children or himself.

Again, I know it's easier for us to give this advice than it is for you to take it since it's not our marriage and he's not the father of our children, but please don't feel like you have to fix his issues right now. He needs to see a mental health professional!

jess60 · February 2013

scorch:
Scout2005:

The thing is, I'm sure he has rectal pain. But that doesn't MATTER.

If my H was in pain, he wouldn't accuse me of causing it. And if he did, he would certainly believe me if I told him I hadn't touched that area. It would never be an ongoing obsession, with threats of hospitals and police. And shoving.

His physical discomfort is just an excuse for what seems to be going on mentally.

that s where the dissociative disorder comes in. But if there is an actual root cause, then maybe he will believe me when I tell him that it was not me causing him this pain. It's absolutly humiliating to have to defend yourself to your husband who will not believe you no matter what .

He has not listened to or believed you in the past. That is not going to change because you think you night have a new diagnosis.

To echo everyone else, his behavior is extremely alarming you need to stop making excuses for it.GET THE KIDS AND GET OUT OF THERE until he gets the mental, physical, emotional help he needs. You also need to speak with someone about what is going on.

Seriously, please listen to everyone on here. This is not a situation to take lightly. It could turn very serious & dangerous in a matter of seconds. All the warning are there, You need to stop defending his actions or rationalizing away all these red flags. He needs help that you can't give. You need to do what's best for you & your children. Please.

Want a personalized experience?

My ongoing drama with DH

Re: My ongoing drama with DH

Choose Another Board

Search Boards