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Parenting
My ongoing drama with DH
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My ongoing drama with DH
in all honesty this is where I at today. It's a situation that needs to not be ignored like I have been doing. But if I tell him that this is what has to happen, he might fly off the handle, so I do need to take this situation seriously and get ready to leave.
I'm really really sorry you are going through this! I know it must seem impossibly difficult.
I have left an abusive husband. I put up with it for too long. It was the hardest thing that I ever did. It was also necessary & the best thing I ever did in my life. You need to gather your strength, think of your kids, make a solid plan, and leave.
Your H may be angry. So f'ucking what? You need to think beyond the end of your nose, look out & see the needs of your children. I say that with love & concern for you. Leave & resolve things from outside the house.
If you do decide to go and I REALLY hope you do. Please don't tell him to his face. Don't take any risks of setting him off before a professional can inform you guys of his mental health.
This is my siggy. Love it.
Do not tell him you're leaving until you and your children are already gone & in a secure, safe place.
Please update us if/when you leave. We are all very concerned for you.
Also, please contact someone, either law enforcement or a domestic abuse program to let them know about your situation.
If you are in the Dubuque area like your profile here says, here's a link to a program at the Y that could help you if you don't know where to turn.
https://www.dubuquey.org/dv/index.cfm
Scorch have you told anyone IRL about what's going on? I get that its safer in an anonymous forum to talk about it, but I def think you need someone who you trust and who knows you that knows whats up with your H.
I also think you posted this b/c you know what you need to do and you just need to hear it. Your H is calling you a rapist, would you ever allow anyone else to say something so repulsive to you? NO. This is incredibly serious, and it won't go away.
First of all, I'm not trying to minimize or ignore the bigger issues here, but I think you got some good advice from other posters, so I'll just address your question. Unfortunately, DH has not found any relief from the problem. It just randomly shows up some nights, a few times a year. He basically just waits it out each time.
Again, I'm not trying to ignore the mental health issues here; I just thought it might help to know what might be causing his physical pain. His reaction is still inappropriate. I hope he can get the help he needs.
I'm going to echo everyone else and say you need to put some physical space between you and your husband.
I do think something is probably medically wrong with him. There's a disconnect between what he is saying and rational logic. I hope he can get help for whatever is wrong with him. But I don't think living with him is a very safe situation to be in until he gets that help.
She said she's afraid he will get mad if she mentions leaving. I expect she is afraid of him, and I wouldn't be surprised if he's threatened or hurt her, other than with the police and that one shove. I doubt she'd bring up something that angers him.
Am I the only one who thinks that it's odd her DH would get up in the middle of the night to go for a drive?
Maybe he's getting raped anally by someone when he goes on his drives and doesn't remember it because they "rouffy" him at the local bar?
Also, I've stuck my fingers up my DH's butt while giving him a BJ and trust me he felt that so if you were shoving a cucumber or dildo up his butt I'm quite certain he would feel that.
“I’d marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead in a year.” - Bette Davis
oh . FFS.
he. Went for a drive AFTER, he woke up with pain. He did it once in the last 10 years that I have been with him.
He doesn't go to bars at all.
And that was my whole point to him is that there is no way to sleep through some putting their fingers in your anus.
I agree with you completely. Which is why I'm concerned he would accuse you of this. Either there's something wrong with his colo-rectal region (pain is real; needs to see a doctor) or there is something wrong with his brain (needs to see a doctor).
I vote both.
Scorch, stay safe, k?
I've never heard anything thing like that, ever. I have also never heard your story, sorry.
Do you have a place you can go and stay? Like family or friends? Do you know if he is on anything? or drinks behind your back?
Some posters know on here that my brother died in a really bad accident years ago, he was a heroin addict and a serious alcoholic. My parent were completely fooled by him and his use. He was bat.***.crazy. 90% of the time. I wonder what it would be like if we knew he needed help? Ya know.
“I’d marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead in a year.” - Bette Davis
I apologize to OP if you take my response as inappropriate but I read everyone else response and pretty much second what everyone says. THIS IS SO ODD TO ME! I'm sorry if it came across completely inappropriate or in some way hurtful or anything.
I completely agree with you. My parents didn't know anything, they were open minded people but he wasn't shooting up in the living room or getting hammered at family functions. I was young but we talk about it now and think to to ourselves he was so good at hiding it but he was seriously crazy. We just thought he was "eccentric" or he would get help on his own or say he needed it.
And not to be heartless OP but drugs, especially meth will do some crazy things to you.
“I’d marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead in a year.” - Bette Davis
I'm hoping she is motivated by her own safety and takes the girls and goes, but if not, Im hoping she could get him admitted out of concern for him.
I can only imagine the pain of watching someone you love change so much.
I agree with the previous posts. Please get out and protect your daughters and yourself. Your husband accusing you of rape is not something that should be passed off. If he adamantly believes that then he truly needs help. Good luck and please put your family first.
So...what are the chances that your husband is having anal sex with someone and is somehow concocting a whole scenario to cover for the fact? stranger things have happened. I feel like your head in the sand reaction is almost weirder than his accusations because presumably he is mentally ill, and you are well. Maybe you both aren't well. you have no business sharing quarters if one of you thinks that the other is assaulting him/ her.
it's not just a matter of what to do in this situation- he needs HELP. you need to get your children to safety. stop waiting for it to clear up on it's own. it will only get worse from here. Time will not make this go away.
really- take some responsibility for your life, or at least get your kids somewhere that they aren't under threat of a dissociated individual who can't tell reality from fantasy.
it's not really an AE, I haven't been on this board in years, so I had to make a new user account. my old one either is disconnected or I have the wrong pw...but seriously? thanks!
uh..lots of the worlds most vocal homophobes are active homosexuals. It isn't new. And I don't think it's been established that logic has any role here. Or has it, and I've missed that part?
I like that you're picking me to play the part of ridiculous in this *** show, though. interesting.
ok- we've established that nothing about this is makes sense. why would it be MORE outlandish to think that his intense denial of being gay wouldn't lead him to dissociate and concoct something that his brain thinks makes better sense?
I was just throwing it out there- the shocker in all of this (lol) for me is that the OP is just oh! we're all safe! it's bugging me that he thinks Im raping him in the night, and I don't really care that he wakes up furious with me and takes his sore ass for a drive to wherever! I mean, what the effing heck?
Once I screamed RAPE outside the Ritz in Downtown Dallas!
I was to busy taking shots with some random people and my DH and is brothers wanted to go to another place. So, I was pissed and didn't want to leave.
True Story
Oh and I PPH Hilarity.
“I’d marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead in a year.” - Bette Davis
So he's so homophobic that he's blaming his wife for raping him to make himself feel better about banging other dudes?
Right. HE's response is excellent. Read it. What has her, and me, side eyeing you is that completely wacko theory you came up with.
Oh.
I gave her good advice.
The AE was saying he was a homophobic guy who was cheating with a dude and his way to hid it was to say his wife was raping him. Which is total horsecrap.
I meant to quote sofa.
Relax.
“I’d marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead in a year.” - Bette Davis
I personally find using the idea of rape to get your way and manipulate others offensive, but this isn't the place for this discussion.
You're probably right. I didn't mean it has a joke. I tried to deter the AE (or whatever it was)
“I’d marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead in a year.” - Bette Davis
Im not convinced this situation is abusive- I truly believe he is mentally ill and in need of urgent care. and for the OP to not move her children and self to safety is alarming and a pretty side eye worthy. HE ISN'T acting predictably. she can not predict whether they are in harms way or not, and therefore it is up to her to choose the path of greatest safety. If a person accuses you of rape and you're not raping them, don't just hope they're bluffing. take action.
She's said he is emotionally abusive and that he's gotten physical and that she is scared of his temper.
How is this not abusive again?
he's crazy. he is insane. she is in danger and she needs to get out. at least get the kids out if she's intent on seeing how this ends-I guess I missed that she said he was emotionally abusive (I think I just thought she was assessing his insane behavior as abusive and not part of his sudden acute insanity.) either way, if this isn't mud, her part in this is the important one. Being of rational mind, it is up to her to seek help for her whole family. I think we all agree. my mention of his potentially dissociating due to latent shame and fear wasn't meant as an insult or joke- it was just a theory. everyone crapped all over themselves over it, though, so I guess you're all pretty familiar with this guy and what his special issues are. in that case help them. you have all the answers!
well, that escalated quickly .
my husband is not gay and he's not banging other dudes. And he's not doing meth. He has some paranoid tendencies , and we have some things to work through , but I think they can be worked through. I asked a very good friend whom I trust , that is not a stranger on the Internet ( no offence intended to those that gave me solid heartfelt advice). I have my next two steps of action to make this better. I'm going to go sleep downstairs for a length of time so that he figures out its not me doing this to him, and I'm going to go start counciling. And not to pull a " you don't know my lyfe " but he's not going to start hitting me. He shoved me once in the whole time we've been together and I told him in no uncertain terms that he was not to put his hands on me ever again. We will be okay, I just need to take this a lot more seriously than I have been.