My ongoing drama with DH

Queen of the Damned

Will he be keeping the door locked? I just don't see how this is a solution. but good luck. I'd be sick over this.

WooHooButtSecks

Surprise buttsecks is fun for no one.

scorch

WooHooButtSecks:

Surprise buttsecks is fun for no one.

idiots are fun for no one. 

WooHooButtSecks

scorch:

WooHooButtSecks:

Surprise buttsecks is fun for no one.

idiots are fun for no one. 

Opinions are like assholes

klondikebar

scorch:

  And not to pull a " you don't know my lyfe " but he's not going to start hitting me.  He shoved me once in the whole time we've been together and I told him in no uncertain terms that he was not to put his hands on me ever again. We will be okay, I just need to take this a lot more seriously than I have been. 

I really do hope you will be ok. I don't want to sound preachy, but he shouldn't have needed to be told not to put his hands on you in the first place. I just don't want you to down go down the path of "Oh it was only a shove" to "Oh he didn't mean to hit me that hard." We're all just worried about you.

PrideandJoy29

I hope he can get the help he needs!

jorkz821

Scout2005:

Scorch, I'm going to sound like a broken record, but I feel like you sleeping downstairs is dangerous. I feel like it potentially escalates things, and meanwhile your kids are in their rooms where he can get to them.You guys need to not be in the house. Or he needs to not be in the house.nbsp;You're expecting him to be rational oh she's not here, so she's not doing this. But clearly, that he thinks you are doing it in the first place puts him outside the realm of rational. He'll come up with some other excuse you snuck in and did it.nbsp; Oh the door was locked? You climbed in the window. That just really isn't a solution. You can't approach this how you would if the person in question was in their right mind.nbsp; The rectal pain is NOT the issue here.nbsp;

This x 1,000,000. Honestly scorch, I really don't think you're being serious enough about this. In his night time state, he is a THREAT to you and your children no matter where you are in the house. You're not going to prove anything to him by sleeping elsewhere, he will come up with a new reason why you did it. I can't believe you've been sleeping beside him for months while this has been going on. Do you sleep at night?

scorch

mbenit4:

How old is the DH? I didn't read all the posts.

going on 46. He is ten years older than me. 

MoonlitPlumeria

mbenit4:

scorch:

mbenit4:

How old is the DH? I didn't read all the posts.

going on 46. He is ten years older than me. 

not schizophrenia. Schizophrenia's onset is normally late teens, early 20's. If mental, it is something else.

But it's possible to go undiagnosed until later in life. You shouldn't make a statement like that. There are exceptions to rules. 

But OP I echo many of the posters here. I really don't feel that it is sade for you and your kids to be in the house. I really wish that you would pack up and leave. At least temporarily. This behavior really isn't normal and I'm really worried for you!

nanabanana06

This may sound like an odd question, but is there a family history of Alzheimer's in your DH's family??

My ex step mom started showing signs early on. She would repeatedly forget things and then get randomly angry due to it. Just a possibility.

greeneyed_bride

scorch:

 I'm going to go sleep downstairs for a length of time so that he figures out its not me doing this to him, and I'm going to go start counciling.  And not to pull a " you don't know my lyfe " but he's not going to start hitting me.  He shoved me once in the whole time we've been together and I told him in no uncertain terms that he was not to put his hands on me ever again. We will be okay, I just need to take this a lot more seriously than I have been. 

Scorch, you are expecting your husband to come to a rational conclusion about the most irrational thing I have ever heard. It's not as if your husband is accusing you of stealing all the covers at night and a few nights with you on the couch will convince him that he's actually just pushing them off of himself while he sleeps. YOUR HUSBAND THINKS YOU ARE A RAPIST. You think sleeping on the couch is suddenly going to make things normal?? That he's suddenly going to go, "Oh, hey, what do ya know? I guess my wife isn't a rapist after all!" It's not going to happen!!

And I'm sorry, but you have absolutely no idea whether or not he is going to start hitting you. Know how I know? Because before all of this happened, if someone had said to you, "Hey, I really think your husband is going to accuse you of anal rape," what would your response have been? "Oh yeah, I think you're probably right."?? No way! You (I hope) would've thought that was even more ludicrous than the suggestion that he might hit you! You think that you can predict the behavior of someone who is utterly unpredictable, and I really think that you are in denial! I don't blame you for that, I think it's a natural response, but you need to get out of the denial you're in and get yourself and your children to a safe place!!

 

I am crossing my fingers that this is MUD... 

missyishere

Igoo0304:

scorch:

i really appreciate your concern, believe me I do.  It brought tears to my eyes.  I'm going to sleep downstairs tonight just for my peace of mind.  This is going to take a kind of strength and confidence that I haven't really had in this area of my life.  I just want him to know that I am serious about getting help and he needs to be as well. 

i completely believe he has pain. However, the normal place to go is not "my wife repeatedly rapes me in the night" for so, so many reasons. Your avatar says you're in Iowa. I would seriously consider taking him to the ER for a 72-hour psych hold. He needs serious mental or medical attention, and you need to keep you and your kids safe.  

The clerk of court in your county can answer any questions you would have about mental health commitments. You would need two people go to the clerk's office in her county to fill out paperwork for commitment from what I was told, and the commitment is only 48 hours.

wino2006

scorch:

Queen of the Damned:

RondackHiker:

Queen of the Damned:

RondackHiker:

Queen, your need to shut your mouth and read up on abusive relationships if you're not an AE.

Im not convinced this situation is abusive- I truly believe he is mentally ill and in need of urgent care. and for the OP to not move her children and self to safety is alarming and a pretty side eye worthy. HE ISN'T acting predictably. she can not predict whether they are in harms way or not, and therefore it is up to her to choose the path of greatest safety. If a person accuses you of rape and you're not raping them, don't just hope they're bluffing. take action.

 

She's said he is emotionally abusive and that he's gotten physical and that she is scared of his temper. How is this not abusive again?

 

he's crazy. he is insane. she is in danger and she needs to get out. at least get the kids out if she's intent on seeing how this ends-I guess I missed that she said he was emotionally abusive (I think I just thought she was assessing his insane behavior as abusive and not part of his sudden acute insanity.)   either way, if this isn't mud, her part in this is the important one. Being of rational mind, it is up to her to seek help for her whole family. I think we all agree. my mention of his potentially dissociating due to latent shame and fear wasn't meant as an insult or joke- it was just a theory. everyone crapped all over themselves over it, though, so I guess you're all pretty familiar with this guy and what his special issues are.  in that case help them. you have all the answers!

 

well, that escalated quickly .

 

my husband is not gay and he's not banging other dudes. And he's not doing meth.  He has some paranoid tendencies , and we have some things to work through , but I think they can be worked through.  I asked a very good friend whom I trust , that is not a stranger on the Internet ( no offence intended to those that gave me solid heartfelt advice). I have my next two steps of action to make this better.  I'm going to go sleep downstairs for a length of time so that he figures out its not me doing this to him, and I'm going to go start counciling.  And not to pull a " you don't know my lyfe " but he's not going to start hitting me.  He shoved me once in the whole time we've been together and I told him in no uncertain terms that he was not to put his hands on me ever again. We will be okay, I just need to take this a lot more seriously than I have been. 

I'm sorry, but he really sounds mentally ill. People with mental illness are irrational and have poor judgement. They are unpredictable. Telling him it's not ok to harm you is not enough. Someone who is psychotic and fearing for their own safety will do whatever is necessary to protect themselves. I sincerely hope you get him some help and your family to safety. You are in denial and making excuses for his behavior.

violaplayer

Scorch, I've seen you around, so I know this isn't MUD. And normally, I'm a nice, rational person who doesn't rock the boat too much. Yeah, that's out the window here. I'm the sister of a paranoid schizophrenic who had serious delusions, including tactile hallucinations.  

He started out with paranoid ranting at me. Then he followed me around and accused me of all kinds of stuff. Then he moved to pushing. Then he moved to holding me down and hitting me. Then he tried to hang me with my jump rope. Then he chased me through the house with scissors. After that, he went to the state mental hospital for a long time. All because the three titted green guy (Fred) who lived in the closet told him I was evil.

 

You cannot apply rational motivations to his actions. If he has a mental disorder, there really are none. Not that make sense to anyone else. Meaning you cannot predict his behavior. And trying to do so is just silly.

 

You need to protect yourself and your children. And then see about getting him the help he obviously needs. Sleeping downstairs isn't going to do the job of keeping you all safe. It should tell you something that there is unanimous agreement among the non-AEs in this thread as to what you should do. Have you ever seen a thread on TB where everyone agreed? That should speak volumes to you.

 

And mbenit. Shush. While schizophrenia doesn't tend to begin in later adulthood, the onset of symptoms can be very slow and initially may be easier to hide from others. Meaning that it becomes more obvious with age and the worsening of the condition. My brother had childhood schizophrenia, which is pretty darn rare. It DOES happen.

 

LoveActually4

OP, Im normally a lurker but your post has left me unsettled all day.

I understand you're defensive of your hUbby and don't want to leave with your kids. I agree this is what you need to do. If youre unwilling, at least PLEASE take the following steps:

I work at a mental health crisis center as a nurse

1pack suitcases for you and the kids and hide them

2 put away enough money to support you all for a week, longer if possible

3 write down the names of women's shelters and the mental health crisis line in your area. Keep with your suitcase

4 tell someone IRL what is going on, preferably your physician. If YH won't get help, you need to. This is affecting your mental well being as well.

I hope you're ok. I'm scared for you and hope this all resolves without any drama. I fear that won't be the case and encourage you to be ready if you need to leave In a hurry. It can't hurt...

WooHooButtSecks

Any fake butt secks last night?

Kitten80

Scout2005:

Scorch, I'm going to sound like a broken record, but I feel like you sleeping downstairs is dangerous. I feel like it potentially escalates things, and meanwhile your kids are in their rooms where he can get to them.

You guys need to not be in the house. Or he needs to not be in the house. 

You're expecting him to be rational - oh she's not here, so she's not doing this. But clearly, that he thinks you are doing it in the first place puts him outside the realm of rational. He'll come up with some other excuse - you snuck in and did it. 

Oh the door was locked? You climbed in the window.

That just really isn't a solution. You can't approach this how you would if the person in question was in their right mind. 

The rectal pain is NOT the issue here. 

I am a newer lurker to this board, but I just had to join team "get out now!". My husband has suffered from mental health issues that lead to anger and depression. We got him back in therapy and the first thing the therapist said to me (In front of hm) was that if he EVER touched me - a shove, a hit, anything TO GRAB MY CHILD and LEAVE.  That you never know once they pass that point at what point they will escalate, but once they have broken that boundry, they will again, especially if they are irrational - as your husband's current night state is.  Scout summed it up well -he is not rational so your moving to the sofa will not help the situation.  If anything, it may escalate it.

Call his physician, NOW.  Describe what is happening - all of it, the ongoing delusion that you are raping him in his sleep, his leaving at night, his being affectionate in the morning as if nothing happened, his shoving you the one night.  All of it.  They should be able to help you form a plan as how to get him held for testing.  He NEEDS to be tested.  Let me put it this way: If it is a tumor, every day can count.  If it is altering his behavior to this extent, it will continue to grow and possibly matstasize (spelling?).  Taking action now not only saves your children and you, but may save his LIFE.   So if you think staying with him and moving to the couch and getting yourself counseling is in his best interest - it is not.  What if the behavior crosses over into daytime?  Or if when he is in one of these states he leaves again and accuses someone else or hurts someone else?  They aren't gonna just look the other way.  He needs a full medical work up NOW.  Please, I know it is difficult.  It is easy to say it and hard to do it.  But, you have to.  For your children, for your husband, for yourself, for your future. 

I will be praying for your family.