MIL wants in the delivery room! (Need to Vent)

JessicaKachel · November 2012

I feel your pain. Well, you can always do what my sister did and lie and say they will only allow 2 people in the room with you. And as for your DH he should respect how you feel, because honestly I'll be damned if my mommy can't be in there with me. Really everyone should respect how you feel not only is labor and delivery stressful enough your inlaws shouldn't make it their pity party. This should be a beautiful time for you and your DH.

mojo0925 · November 2012

Selfish is trying to guilt a pregnant woman into changing her birthing plan. If your inlaws feel that they are being treated unfairly then my dear that is their own insecurity and not your problem. The only thing you should be focusing on is YOUR family: your baby and husband. I also disagree with your husband - no offense to the guy or anything. There is a very special bond between mother and daughter, and if it is your desire to have her there, then he should be supporting that decision unless there is compelling reason she shouldn't be there (i.e. your mom and husband don't get along - it is a special time for him too). It does not matter how that looks to your inlaws...or how that feels to them either. Does your husband really feel slighted that his parents are not invited in while your mom is OR does he just not want to deal with his parents? That is a BIG difference. But if you are willing to compromise with him, you can tell him his mom is welcome in but you really don't want his dad all up in your lady business....it would make holidays weird. Good luck!

traneshaph · November 2012

grace1404:
So from day one I only wanted my husband and mother in the delivery room with me, but the other day at 38 weeks my MIL and FIL sat me down for a talk. They told me that are always left out (constantly make themselves the victims) and that they should be in the room too, and that DH and I's decision to have bonding time with baby before visitors came in was selfish. Basically they had me crying telling me that I was treating them unfairly for an hour. It was horrible. Talked to DH about how uncomfortable I would be, especially with FIL, my own dad isn't in coming in there. So DH says if I don't want them in there then my mother shouldn't be either because it wouldn't be fair, SERIOUSLY!! Is it just me or should what the woman who will be giving birth get to decide this and not be questioned on it. I am now torn I don't want to fight with my husband or in laws but I want to have a comfortable environment while in labor.

I totally understand. At 23 weeks, this talk hasn't come up yet in my circle, but I only want my SO and my mom. That's it & I am NOT budging on that. I'm a FTM and I'm already nervous about all the docs/health care professionals being in the room looking up my *stuff*. I'm just sqeamish like that, I guess. Since my mom lives 9 hours away and is coming by bus, she may not be here for the actual delivery. It just depends. If they give me a specific day that I'll be induced or if I end up having a scheduled c-section she'll make it in time. If not, it'll just be me and SO. We'll both be first time parents and it'll be my mom's 1st grandchild. His mom has 2 other grandkids that she couldve been in the room for. She is a little pushy and I love her, but she is ABSOLUTELY not going to be in the room when I give birth. You have the final say. When you get to the hospital and say I want "such-and-such" in the room ONLY, the hospital will respect your wishes. I know you don't want to fight, but the in-laws will get over it, eventually. You're doing ALL the work, so what you want should be first priority. Explain that to DH and the in-laws in the nicest way possible. They'll bend. If not, too bad. YOU should be comfy above all else

I honestly dont even get why everybody wants to say "I want to be in the room when the baby is born" anyway. OMG! You'll see him/her when the fam comes back. Why do you have to be in the room watching something come out of my vagina? That is SOOOO private. Then who has the nerve to be offended if I say idon't want you in the room during this super private moment? Sheesh! Sorry, had to vent for a sec.

supersam37 · November 2012

Ugh I feel like this is going to be my situation as well. : My MIL told me I was leaving her out bc I wouldnt let her go to the first ultra sound.always the victim as well... There is more to the situation as well but I believe it's your decision and regardless they will love the baby and that is the most important thing. You should stick with your original plans and people. Tell your doctor or nurse at the hospital and they will make your wishes happen. Your nurses deal with this and can take the heat while your focused on baby.

Runaway22 · November 2012

MissNikki007:
Your vagina is the one that will be on display, therefore, you are the one that gets to decide who's in the room.

This x1000

rubber_chicken · November 2012

supersam37:
Ugh I feel like this is going to be my situation as well. : My MIL told me I was leaving her out bc I wouldnt let her go to the first ultra sound.always the victim as well... There is more to the situation as well but I believe it's your decision and regardless they will love the baby and that is the most important thing. You should stick with your original plans and people. Tell your doctor or nurse at the hospital and they will make your wishes happen. Your nurses deal with this and can take the heat while your focused on baby.

You mean the one where they stick a wand up your vagina??

WTF is it with ILs thinking they have some sort of claim to a daughter in law's body. Seriously, this is some third world level thinking.

These are MEDICAL appointments dealing with your most intimate body parts! A delivery isn't a broadway show, it's a MEDICAL situation that can be life threatening and end in surgery. NO ONE has any kind of "right" to it, not even the father.

MelissaJAnthony · November 2012

Are you kidding me?? I was getting angry for you just reading this! STAND YOUR GROUND. You decide who is in that room with you. They are out of their minds to even consider guilt tripping you on this topic. There are two things in this world a woman should have the majority of control over and that's her wedding day and the birth of her child. How about afterwards you ask them if it's okay to be in the room when your MIL goes in for her yearly pap and your FIL gets his next prostate exam. Give me a break! Oh, and if your husband doesn't like it... tell him to go in the waiting room with his parents and your mother and you will let him know when it's all finished. You and your baby are the #1 priorities while giving birth.

MelissaJAnthony · November 2012

I agree, Miss Nikki hit it spot on.

MrsOsorio10 · November 2012

No no no...no matter how guilty they made you feel stand your ground and only allow your mom and hubby in there. This is a private time when EVERYTHING is exposed and you have the right to allow who every you want in the room. Im even kinda wierded out that the FIL wants to see..yuck

macksmom825 · November 2012

My MIL always tries to play victim as well, but she doesn't bring that nonsense to me. It is totally up to you, who you would like in the delivery room. Tell your husband, to man up and let his parents know that this decision is up to you and whomever you decide to have in the room, they will have to be fine with. END OF STORY!

nrsjis2b · November 2012

My MIL would do the same thing. I've already made it quite clear that the only people allowed are my mother and my husband. Period. End of story. The nurses should be able to help you! They are really good about this type of thing! Trust me, I'm a nurse! If you don't want others there, then that's your decision! They will have to deal with it. Also, "Kangaroo Care" (being with baby skin to skin in PRIVATE for first hour of life) is really important! If they can't understand how important this is, then that's their problem! Stick to your guns! Don't cave! I've had problems with my inlaws during my ENTIRE pregnancy so far, and I decided a long time ago, I don't have to be nice! It's my body and my baby! They need to respect that! I hope your husband can talk to them, he should, it's his family. Mine didn't, so I had to be the *** who told them they couldn't be there. But I'm glad I did. Good luck to you! I can totally relate and I wish you well!

siemprenyc · November 2012

Gently remind her of when she gave birth to DH. She had her opportunity to deliver and raise DH as she wanted. It's time for YOUR vagina to shine your baby to take the spotlight. Also ask if she would have liked to be dealt with like she's dealt with you in her last weeks of pregnancy. As for your mom, there's only a certain comfort a mom can give. DH can run between labor room and waiting room with updates. Mom stays with you to soothe you.
FYI I will be in same boat in a few months, with exception my mom is deceased. There's no way MIL will be in my room. If any comment then I will invite my dad to DH's next physical.

onelittleduckling · November 2012

Amen to every other single person here. No way. And amen to making your SO watch videos- find the most graphic ones you can, with tearing. I made mine watch them- and he actually told me he was happy that I had. FIL, absolutely not. You are 100% right, they can get over it.

beautifulyfe · November 2012

Do what makes YOU happy and comfortable.

areadinger · November 2012

We were told last night in birthing class to only have people present that are there to be a direct support to you! Are they there to feed you ice chips? Hold your legs? Or are they there just to be nosey?

apeschka · November 2012

MissNikki007:
Your vagina is the one that will be on display, therefore, you are the one that gets to decide who's in the room.

I so totally agree with this statement!!! I am in the same boat with my husband. I told him if I am giving birth I get to decide and if anyone is pissed about it it's their problem not mine.

lashontem · November 2012

I don't blame you I'm only 20 weeks and I was thinking and worried about the same thing cause truthfully I don't want anybody in there but the doctors and my husband not even my mom reason is cause I think it's intimate and should stay between husband and wife!

And I asked the same thing on another pregnancy website and some one told me they didn't see my vagina before when it was friendly and nobody need to see it when it's angry!

And that's what I stick with, not to hurt anybody feelings or anything but I think that's just between husband and wife!

cchristiansen · November 2012

You get to decide who's there and who isn't. If all you want there is your mother and husband than they should respect your wishes. Don't let them push you in to letting them in also. Stand your ground and tell them what you really think and feel. Don't worry about their feelings. They need to worry about yours. And forget their own selfishness.

thehauffamily · November 2012

Wow, is all I can say. I can't believe your FIL even wants to be in the room to see that. There would be NO WAY I would EVER let my FIL much less my own dad in my labor room!

I know when I went into labor with my first, my mom, nana, husband, and a million other people in there while just having contractions and I was uncomfortable with them all being in there, b/c I was in pain and on edge etc.

The nurse came in to check me and asked everyone to leave so she could. Once everyone was outside she looked me straight in the face and goes "do you WANT them in here"? I must have had a look on my face like no but said yes and she goes "no REALLY, if you don't want them in here I'll tell them to stay out, that's why I'm here, to be the bad person so you don't have to be". I told her I wanted everyone out until I got my epi. My mom and nana came and checked on me about once an hour until I got my epi and then I felt better to have visitors, but I REALLY appreciated that nurse who kicked everyone out!

I would just tell them that only two people are allowed in room with you and make sure your dr tells your hubby that too. Or, I would have the nurse kick them out right before it's time to push. The nurse's are there to be on YOUR side!

I just keep thinking pedafile to want to sit and watch your DIL give birth is just REALLY weird. I can see your MIL asking but FIL is just mind boggling to me!

GL and I hope you get what you want out of your delivery and your husband starts supporting you!!! My husband's motto is "I'm not the one that has to go through the excruciating pain and have to carry a baby for 9 months, so whatever you want out of your birth is your choice. I'm just here for support and to wipe the tears".

mslmk11 · November 2012

I haven't gone through labor yet, so I don't know exactly what it's going to be like for me. I plan on having my DH in there, and if my mom is able to travel up from FL (she doesn't like to travel, and she didn't come up for my brother's baby's birth in August either), then she'll be in there too....maybe. My sister said that the first birth, mom was a bit more stressful for her because mom had c-sections with all three of us kids, so she never got to 'experience/see' the vaginal birth. So she was all sorts of giggly and excited. So based on that, she might be out. But my MIL, who I'm relatively close with has volunteered to be there if my mom can't make it.

That being said, I would most definitely NOT want my FIL in the delivery room, and if DH were to try to convince me to have both MIL, FIL AND my mother and himself in there, well, he'd be hearing some words.

As everyone else has said, it's your body, your delivery, your comfort and stress level you need to be concerned about, and they should be too. Delivery isn't about fairness, it's about you, your body and your baby. Don't be worried to bring it up from fairness to YOU and the baby, in a sense, guilting them about causing problems during the delivery.

Also, as others have said, having your mom step out after baby is born so that you and DH have bonding time alone, that does seem like a more logical option, just because you should have that time alone with your new family.

azurcher · November 2012

I have been following this post for awhile now... I agree with most people's comments that FIL should NEVER expect to be in there and your MIL shouldn't unless you ask her to... NOT the other way around. It's your body. Labor is uncomfortable. You don't need any extra discomfort. Have you had your little one yet? How did this all work out for you? I hope you were able (or will be) to have every one where you wanted them... NOT lurking around in YOUR L&D room!

kellopes · November 2012

Wow that was extremely selfish of them to sit you down and put you in this position. You should let them know that you didn't need them there to make the baby, so you def do not need them there to deliver it.

I can not imagine having my in laws in the room with me.... they overwhelm so much now, imagine if I'm in pain.... I would be so mean to them that it might ruin our relationship forever. lol

At the end of the day, it's your child and they had their turn to have theirs. It should be your choice!

sabaringer · November 2012

that's horrible that they did that to you!! my husband's family is like that too.....and i didn't realize how ridiculous it was until i read your message.....everyone is right, it's your body and its a moment for you and your husband. If you feel comfortable with someone else then you should choose. I'm terrified that my husband will pass out and I know I'll need some support to get through it so my mother and sister will be joining me. Nobody will tell me otherwise. Looks like you have it pretty rough them making you feel like that!!! Hope it gets better for your sake

NenaDeAnn · November 2012

OmG MIL ok, my first one was a nightmare, always situating herself between me and my ex hubby. Now my new MIL melts my heart and I will tel you why after I divirced my ex I was very depressed and I would having sex with any guy that would give me the time of day, my hubby now was one of those guys until I got to know him and decided that he was the best man I ever met, he was the total opposite on me I stopper sleeping around but I found out I was preggers he didnt care cause he loved me and he knew that I had a rough life. Well 4 months later I met his parents and after my dh went overseas for a but I had to call and finally tell my MIL that I was perggers with a child that might not be his. She told me in a letter that evrryone makes mistakes in their lives and I dont hold that against you but we would love to be the grandparents of the baby. She dient know me but she respe!cted me enough to make my own decision. Never once in 16 years has she ever brought that up or used it against me. I have lived in MN for 16 now and I grew up in CA so I am way out of my comfort zone. But now I am 25 weeks along and I have none of my family members here but she has been in the room with me as I delivered 2 kids and I want her with me for this next one. She is a 2nd mom to me. I love that woman to death and would do anything for her. So if your MIL has any respect for you she will go along with whatever you decide. They shouldnt make you feel uncomfortable while you are that far along. It was already decideda while ago, they shouldnt jump in at the last second and guilt you in a decision. It is your VAGINA!!!!! ADVOCATE FOR IT OR ELSE IT IS A TYPE OT RAPE!!!! YES I SAID RAPE!!!!!!....HEHEHE

mstjj · November 2012

We had the same issue. My husband and I chose not to have ANYONE at the hospital. Of course my family and his was upset. My family respected our decision and his did not. Needless to say, I haven't spoken to my MIL since then...but it was the best decision for us and next time it will be the same way:)

Daiseys · November 2012

Wow, I can't even believe they asked that of you. How thoughtless! I completely agree with the majority of people on here. It is personal and private and about you and your comfort and you should have who ever you feel you want there and no one else, no questions asked. Anyone who can't respect that, too bad for them. And your husband should 100% support you with that. Shame on him for putting you in that situation and not standing up to his parents. Be strong girl, you are absolulty in the right here. I am expecting in February and I only want my husband in the room. I have told the parents and in laws and sister that they either respect that and get a phone call and updates and are welcome to wait in the waiting room and see baby when I am good and ready or we will just call them when we get home with the baby and they don't get to be part of any of it. They have all chosen to respect the bondries and get the phone updates.

milakegrl · November 2012

This is INSANE!! Who do these people think they are! I am so appalled right now! I CANNOT imagine #1 having anyone even bring this up to, frankly, anyone and #2 actually having this conversation last more than two minutes after them asking and being told no. HOLY CRAP I cannot believe your idiot husband (and honestly mine is sort of an idiot at times so I guess I can) would even suggest that your own mother not be allowed to help you get through this VERY intense experience.

OH wow, OK you just stick to you guns. YOU ARE RIGHT. Don't let them bully you!!!!! I liked the idea of asking your doc to fib (or not, might just be the truth) about how many people can be in the room.

And I thought my FIL was being pushy wanting my DH's boss to be invited to our wedding (I can't stand him or his wife) - he smartened up and shut up with just a nasty look. You will remember this experience for the rest of your life - do it your way!!!!!

PS Tell your IL's that it's fine as long as you get to go to their colonoscopys, mammograms and gyno appointments.

serena2013 · November 2012

Have you asked your MIL whether her own FIL and MIL were in the room when she gave birth? Or asked your FIL whether he would like you to accompany him to the doctor next time he has his thing checked out? Have you asked your DH whether he would be comfortable being naked in front of your mother?

Those three need a reality check...

sarahjs76 · November 2012

What an awkward situation for them and your husband to put you in. It's not a party for them to attend. It's the birth of YOUR child and you and DH need to be prepared for anything a everything. And your husband doesn't have a problem with his father seeing your vagina? Sorry to be so blunt but that's basically what it comes down to. He needs to grow up and grow a pair. This is about you and baby. Hospitals have strict rules about delivery room "crowds". Try this, "I'm sure you can appreciate how smoothly I want this to go for the safety of the baby and myself as does the hospital which is why they only allow 2 additional people. Surely you feel the same and also have baby's best interest at heart baby is the priority. And as soon as he is ready to meet the rest of his family you will be the first phone call we make" Sheesh. And having your mom there for you is a smart move. Not many people have the stamina to be the only support person for a woman in labor for 20 hours! Especially when it is dad; he's full o option about both you and baby so it can be a lot for him as well. But he needs to suck it up and do what's in your best interest.

Surprise6 · December 2012

Hon, it's your body, it's up to you. It's not even up to your husband. With that being said, I went through a very similar thing 5 years ago. I had our first child then and my in-laws sat me down too, asked me to include them in the delivery room. Mind you, we don't even get along with them! They are horrible people who treat me like dirt! So I said no sorry but that's not gonna happen, even my mother won't even be there(she didn't want to anyway and I was fine with that). So they raised hell and got mad, started a big fight with my husband as well. My husband stood by my side and I stood my ground. Hubby planned that if they even showed up that they will be escorted out of the room. In the end, thankfully I got my way, we didn't even tell them when I went to labor. So don't let them pressure you, it's your moment, it's your child. You should be able to enjoy it and not be stressed about FIL and MIL seeing you naked and making a fuss there.

Good luck! It's not their call, it's yours.

ETA: That's super creepy for your FIL to even want to be there! WTH is wrong with him? LOL

Patch89 · December 2012

Really?? I don't mean to sound harsh but your in laws are being selfish!! My mil said she would like to be there if and when I get preg and go into labour and i said no way!! Its a very personal thing! Don't want anyone else seeing my nether regions lol especially not another man!!! It's you who's going to need and want to be comfortable. Sit down with them again and explain that they will not be coming because you would not feel at ease. Simple. And if they don't like it? Tough. Find someone else's labour to muscle in on ha ha joke xx wish you all the best !!

llaya · December 2012

Hell no. Don't let them. You make all the decisions girl. Funny you say they make themselves the victims,,, mine do the exact same thing. Hang in there. :

jkuhmann · December 2012

Girl.

You get to decide. Period. This is not only a incredibly significant event in your life, it is also deeply personal and intimate. Those things are not spectator sports.

I told my husband at the beginning that he would be the only one in the room (my mother would drive me nuts) and he could handle his family if they had any other ideas (I'm sure my MIL would LOVE to be in there, but I would shoot myself first).

He is now your husband first and foremost; he is his parents' son second. Make him understand that and that he needs to make that clear to his parents.

divamom37 · December 2012

Sorry to hear that your going through this!! My mil was in the delivery room with us and it was GREAT!! I have the best other in law in the world. I told her my wishes and when it was time not only did she help me with the nurses that I had, she helped my husband help me. Oh yeah forgot to mention that she's a nurse. Do what's best for you and good luck!!

audimariie · December 2012

Personally and respectfully, I would tell my husband that my mom would be there and everyone else can come after. I'm sure if you can sit him down and patiently explain how personal this is of an experience for you especially. This is the ONE time in your life that you seriously get to make that call. I couldn't imagine going through this without my mother... it's completely different with guys. Our husbands aren't having the babies or putting their "stuff" out there like that. But as always, I want to keep the peace with my family as well!

[Deleted User] · December 2012

Lol that this is still being discussed.

CosmicMomma · December 2012

I know it seems like a huge deal about who should or shouldn't be in the room with you while your pushing but for me it wasn't. Once I was in full scale push mode I didn't notice anyone but the doctor. Sometimes you've got to pick your battles. If your so uncomfortable with it tell them they can stand outside the door and leave it cracked what my doc did for my father and other relatives so they can come in as soon as your ready to have visitors. The birth of your baby is supposed to be a joyous occasion. Why wouldn't they want to be a part of their grandchild coming into this world?

chm0815 · December 2012

I would love to have my mother in the delivery room for support but I am not comfortable with the thought of having my husband's parents in there as well. It's not that his parents would intentionally make me feel uncomfortable. I just don't want to be on display and since they have already made some critical remarks about very common delivery practices, I don't want them to interfere with the doctor trying to do what's best for me and the baby. I explained my feelings to my mom who said she just assumed it would be a private moment between me and my husband (and my doctor and nurses) and that she'd just wait in the waiting room. My inlaws haven't mentioned that they want to be in there yet but since they had no problem asking if they can come along to dinner with us on our first wedding anniversary, I wouldn't be surprised if I'll have to explain that it will only be me and my husband in the delivery room. I wonder how they will feel about my desire to have an hour alone with my husband and our little girl after delivery so we can start bonding in relative quiet before guests start arriving...

karitu · December 2012

Tell your husband that you only need two people in your room for support. More than that will be too much for you to handle. I would also tell my labor and delivery nurse who should be in the room. They can tell people to go away. Good luck!

Anniea85 · December 2012

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