Back to Work This Week — The Bump
Late Term and Child Loss

Back to Work This Week

My 8 weeks were officially up on Thanksgiving, so I started on Monday. Of course I still don't fit into my clothes, so I had to go clothes shopping and that's something that I can honestly say that I HATE, no matter what size I am. I bought some stuff at Target, my philosophy being that I am still losing weight so I'm not investing a lot of money in temporary clothes (which was also my philosophy about buying maternity clothes lol). But I got some Kohl's coupons in the mail so my BF drug me there on Sat. He informed me that we spent 3 hrs & 37 min while I filled a cart with clothes, tried on shoes and then finally tried on clothes. It took so long because I had to get 3 sizes in every top and 3 sizes in every pair of pants I wanted because I had no idea what sizes I would wear and we all know, what size you are in one designer may not be what you are in another...hence my deep hate of clothes shopping. If I could buy of the rack like a guy, I'd be fine. I felt like my clothes shopping was penance for going back to work.

After clothes shopping, I really didn't think about going back to work and how I would feel. I was nervous of course, because I haven't seen anyone since we buried Lillian and most of them came to her funeral. It takes me forever to get ready for work right now. Is anyone else having this issue, where it's taking you longer to do things that you normally did? I have noticed this problem grocery shopping, clothes shopping and now getting ready for work. I got up at 7:30, pumped, started getting ready at 8 a.m. and didn't make it into work until 10:15! I just feel so discombobulated these days.

The enormity of what I was doing didn't hit me until I was almost to work. I held back the tears pretty good until I pulled into the parking lot, then I let a few go. There was a man whose office window I used to pass when I was pregnant, he works for another company and we've never spoken, and the bigger I got and the more I would waddle the more we ended up making eye contact and smiling at each other. I was so nervous to see him, like in some way we would silently communicate and he would be happy to see me again, obviously no longer pregnant, and I would have to shake my head and cry to let him know that my baby died. He wasn't at his desk and I was grateful. I had a co-worker meet me in our elevator lobby on my floor because I knew when I saw her, I would burst into tears and I didn't want to do that in my cube because it's in a pretty centralized location. She was the mom that I wanted to be like. Has 3 kids and does so many things with them. She's who I would talk to a lot because we have similar backgrounds. I don't have a relationship with my mom and was scared I was going to emotionally or physically abuse my kids (which is why I never really wanted any) but she helped me believe I was capable of being a good mom, no matter my upbringing. Well I got to cry and I went in and faced my cube. I put up Lillian's memorial card from her funeral right next to her US pictures. The few hours I was there on Monday consisted of Hugs, Tears and even more awkwardness. I went around to my 2 bosses offices and every time I was walking thru the office I avoided all eye-contact and when some was made or someone stopped by my cube it was torturous. Everyone is so glad that I'm back, so they want to express that cheeriness, but at the same time they know that I'm not cheery and I know that a part of them isn't either. The mom that I wanted to be like, told me that she feels like she lost something too and so do many of them. Everyone was so excited for Lillian's arrival and to meet her and now she's gone. When I went to see my HR Director to let her know I was actually in the office, I found out she was pregnant with twins via IVF and had miscarried one while at a meeting in work. They were able to save the other but she ended up miscarrying at 4 mths., right around when Lillian was born. I felt just awful for her. She was 2 wks. away from knowing the sex but I did find out her EDD and plan on giving her a card.

Tuesday was a better day. It took me 2 hours to get out of bed and decide that I would go back and I didn't shower because I didn't feel like it. But once I started getting dressed I was ok. Tuesday my cousin sent me a pretty bouquet at work "just to make you smile" read the card and I took one of each kind of flower and left at 2:30 to go to Lillian's grave. The reason I struggled with going to work that day is that it was Lillian's 2 mth. birthday. I'm glad I went, so I could get the flowers and take them to her. It was my first time going to see her w/o my BF. I didn't stay long, I cleaned the leaves off of her and set her flowers down and took a picture and sent it to my cousin to thank her. I'm not sure if she knew it was Lillian's 2 mths. or not, but I wanted to let her know & that her timing was perfect. I listened to her funeral CD in the car after and shed my tears then. 

Wednesday was her 2 mth. Angelversary and I wasn't going to go to work, but I decided to go so I could stay home Friday instead with the hopes of spending it with my BF. Work is being super flexible, but I don't want to abuse it by not coming in too much. Well, I should have followed my gut and just stayed home. My replacement is staying at work thru the end of Dec. because I most likely will use my last week of vacation around the holidays and we have another girl out for surgery and this way we can still float work to someone. Well I can't ease back into my job because he's been so good at it that it's all caught up and we both didn't have anything to do. That's not good because I sat at my desk yesterday and things really hit me about being back there. Monday and Tuesday spent catching up with people, yesterday I was ready to actually do something and nothing was there to be done. So I thought about how much of Lillian's life was spent sitting in my office chair. How much she used to dance around in my belly and sometimes it would be to the point where I would have to lean forward and squish her a bit so she would calm down and I could get some work done. Then other people were stopping by to tell me welcome back or good to see you and it just got too much, I had to leave and I cried from the time my butt left my seat until the time I walked through my garage door.

And then, I decided not to go back today and I haven't decided about tomorrow yet. I think if I had work to do, or a project, I'd be much better right now.

Sorry this was so long, but I didn't know where else to get this all out.


Re: Back to Work This Week

  • Lots and lots of ((((hugs))))
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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  • HUGE {{HUGS}} sweetie.  I work from home so I don't know what it's like to have to go back into the office (I've been there once in a year) but I can understand how difficult it is.  DH had a hard time going back.  I think you've handled it as well as you possibly could.  I'm glad your work is being flexible with you.  I think that's key.  I'm proud of you for even making the attempt!  And for what it's worth, I hate clothes shopping too.


    In memory of Corbin Scott 10/28/11-12/3/11. Heaven got another angel the night you left this world behind Heaven got a little better the day it took you away from me Missing you tonight, see you again sometime For now I'll close my eyes and dream of heaven tonight I'll love you forever I'll like you for always Now and Forever My baby you'll be

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  • ((hugs)) I'm sorry you're having such a hard time getting back to work. My first few months back were torture, and I left early because I couldn't handle it a lot. Do what's best for you, and continue to leave when you need to. When I'm not busy at work I need something to distract myself or I start thinking about everything and I downloaded a few stupid game apps on my iphone, and it distracts me for a little while to play them..just a thought.

    Jillian Rose- born 8/26/12 at 24 weeks. "It broke my heart to lose you but you didn't go alone, for a part of me went with you, the day God took you home"
    I love you always, my beautiful girl.

    Hysteroscopy 3/1/13 Dx: Unicornuate uterus

    || <a href="" style="font-size:smaller;" >Ovulation TrackeMy Ovulation Chart

    BFP 3/18/13- Please be our Rainbow, we love you so much already.

    6/4/13-Found out we're having a BOY!!

    10/30/13-He's here!! Happy Birthday, Ryan! We love you so much! xo

    Lilypie - (Bfmg)


  • image J&J09:
    Huge (((hugs)))).  Going back to work is really hard.  So proud of you for taking that step. 

    Thank you. I was thinking about you and where you work and how hard that must be for you as well. I'm pulling for you and while I'm not sure of what you do, you chose your field for a reason and I think the children you may see after the loss of Noel are going to receive more love and tenderness from you than the ones whom you saw before. You chose the career of caregiver and you specialized in children, it was almost like Mommy practice. 

    All us loss mommies have all this love that has been building inside us our entire pregancy and when we lost our babies, it had no place to go, but that love didn't just die. While you may want to keep that love just for Noel, I think it takes a special kind of person to do what you do and you won't be able to keep that love from escaping and bestowing it on these other babies and children you are going to treat.

    For me, seeing children and babies doesn't hurt when I'm with them as much as it hurts when I or they have to go. That's what makes me yearn for my Lillian.

  • Big ((hugs)) to you.  I know how hard it is going back to work and how exhausting the first week is.  I'm still getting used to it and this is my third week back (although I only came in one day during Thanksgiving week).  Take your time, ease back in.  I'm glad your company is being so supportive because that really helps. 
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     Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

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    BFP#1 - 11/27/09 EDD 8/5/10, DS1 arrived 7/24/10 via emergency c-section.

    BFP#2 - 6/18/12 EDD 2/23/13, sweet baby girl born sleeping on 10/4/12 at 19 weeks, 3 days.

    BFP #3 - 1/18/13 EDD 10/1/13, natural mc on 2/2/13 at 5 weeks, 4 days.

    BFP #4 - 8/29/13 EDD 5/12/14, our sweet rainbow, DS2 born 4/29/14 via c-section

  • I also know how hard it is to go back. I was out for six weeks and went back almost two months ago, and I purposely went back during the busiest time of the semester so that I wouldn't have to think - I could just work. Things didn't slow down until earlier this month, and by then, my brain wasn't running crazy with all the "What if's". I agree with the whole taking your time and easing back into it; I know it won't be easy for awhile, but we're here as a shoulder to lean on if you ever need it. *hugs*

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  • Going back to work is hard, but you have been easing in which is a good thing. I also had a very supportive work environment and close relationships with some coworkers which was helpful but also difficult because I know they were also grieving in their own way because they care about me.

    image Cincy/Toronto:
    Is anyone else having this issue, where it's taking you longer to do things that you normally did?

    Not really, but mostly because I don't do a lot of things I used to do! For example, I don't wear makeup now. I just cleanse and moisturize. In the beginning it was because I would cry every day, but now I've just cut it out of my routine and don't feel like adding it back. However, I did go to a conference today and it was the first time I've put anything on my eyes and it was strange because I could hardly remember how!

      Our Angel Patricia born sleeping 3/30/12 at 31 weeks
    Our Fighter Anna born early 1/8/13 at 26 weeks
    Hoping to bring home #3 due 9/9/15
  • I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, and many things you have written here I also felt and experienced. The awkward looks, and getting distracted very easily. Big hugs to you. 
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