My 8 weeks were officially up on Thanksgiving, so I started on Monday. Of course I still don't fit into my clothes, so I had to go clothes shopping and that's something that I can honestly say that I HATE, no matter what size I am. I bought some stuff at Target, my philosophy being that I am still losing weight so I'm not investing a lot of money in temporary clothes (which was also my philosophy about buying maternity clothes lol). But I got some Kohl's coupons in the mail so my BF drug me there on Sat. He informed me that we spent 3 hrs & 37 min while I filled a cart with clothes, tried on shoes and then finally tried on clothes. It took so long because I had to get 3 sizes in every top and 3 sizes in every pair of pants I wanted because I had no idea what sizes I would wear and we all know, what size you are in one designer may not be what you are in another...hence my deep hate of clothes shopping. If I could buy of the rack like a guy, I'd be fine. I felt like my clothes shopping was penance for going back to work.
After clothes shopping, I really didn't think about going back to work and how I would feel. I was nervous of course, because I haven't seen anyone since we buried Lillian and most of them came to her funeral. It takes me forever to get ready for work right now. Is anyone else having this issue, where it's taking you longer to do things that you normally did? I have noticed this problem grocery shopping, clothes shopping and now getting ready for work. I got up at 7:30, pumped, started getting ready at 8 a.m. and didn't make it into work until 10:15! I just feel so discombobulated these days.
The enormity of what I was doing didn't hit me until I was almost to work. I held back the tears pretty good until I pulled into the parking lot, then I let a few go. There was a man whose office window I used to pass when I was pregnant, he works for another company and we've never spoken, and the bigger I got and the more I would waddle the more we ended up making eye contact and smiling at each other. I was so nervous to see him, like in some way we would silently communicate and he would be happy to see me again, obviously no longer pregnant, and I would have to shake my head and cry to let him know that my baby died. He wasn't at his desk and I was grateful. I had a co-worker meet me in our elevator lobby on my floor because I knew when I saw her, I would burst into tears and I didn't want to do that in my cube because it's in a pretty centralized location. She was the mom that I wanted to be like. Has 3 kids and does so many things with them. She's who I would talk to a lot because we have similar backgrounds. I don't have a relationship with my mom and was scared I was going to emotionally or physically abuse my kids (which is why I never really wanted any) but she helped me believe I was capable of being a good mom, no matter my upbringing. Well I got to cry and I went in and faced my cube. I put up Lillian's memorial card from her funeral right next to her US pictures. The few hours I was there on Monday consisted of Hugs, Tears and even more awkwardness. I went around to my 2 bosses offices and every time I was walking thru the office I avoided all eye-contact and when some was made or someone stopped by my cube it was torturous. Everyone is so glad that I'm back, so they want to express that cheeriness, but at the same time they know that I'm not cheery and I know that a part of them isn't either. The mom that I wanted to be like, told me that she feels like she lost something too and so do many of them. Everyone was so excited for Lillian's arrival and to meet her and now she's gone. When I went to see my HR Director to let her know I was actually in the office, I found out she was pregnant with twins via IVF and had miscarried one while at a meeting in work. They were able to save the other but she ended up miscarrying at 4 mths., right around when Lillian was born. I felt just awful for her. She was 2 wks. away from knowing the sex but I did find out her EDD and plan on giving her a card.
Tuesday was a better day. It took me 2 hours to get out of bed and decide that I would go back and I didn't shower because I didn't feel like it. But once I started getting dressed I was ok. Tuesday my cousin sent me a pretty bouquet at work "just to make you smile" read the card and I took one of each kind of flower and left at 2:30 to go to Lillian's grave. The reason I struggled with going to work that day is that it was Lillian's 2 mth. birthday. I'm glad I went, so I could get the flowers and take them to her. It was my first time going to see her w/o my BF. I didn't stay long, I cleaned the leaves off of her and set her flowers down and took a picture and sent it to my cousin to thank her. I'm not sure if she knew it was Lillian's 2 mths. or not, but I wanted to let her know & that her timing was perfect. I listened to her funeral CD in the car after and shed my tears then.
Wednesday was her 2 mth. Angelversary and I wasn't going to go to work, but I decided to go so I could stay home Friday instead with the hopes of spending it with my BF. Work is being super flexible, but I don't want to abuse it by not coming in too much. Well, I should have followed my gut and just stayed home. My replacement is staying at work thru the end of Dec. because I most likely will use my last week of vacation around the holidays and we have another girl out for surgery and this way we can still float work to someone. Well I can't ease back into my job because he's been so good at it that it's all caught up and we both didn't have anything to do. That's not good because I sat at my desk yesterday and things really hit me about being back there. Monday and Tuesday spent catching up with people, yesterday I was ready to actually do something and nothing was there to be done. So I thought about how much of Lillian's life was spent sitting in my office chair. How much she used to dance around in my belly and sometimes it would be to the point where I would have to lean forward and squish her a bit so she would calm down and I could get some work done. Then other people were stopping by to tell me welcome back or good to see you and it just got too much, I had to leave and I cried from the time my butt left my seat until the time I walked through my garage door.
And then, I decided not to go back today and I haven't decided about tomorrow yet. I think if I had work to do, or a project, I'd be much better right now.
Sorry this was so long, but I didn't know where else to get this all out.