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Baby Showers
How to politely say "no physical gifts"?
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Re: How to politely say "no physical gifts"?
Otherwise, the islands have a lot of stores the mainland does Target, Babies R US, Walmart, etc. You can exchange in store.
Something you may not know: Amazon does ship to Hawaii, however anything large ie strollers, cribs, mattresses, etc it's hit or miss if they'll ship it, usually not.
Personally, I would opt for not registering. You're bound to get a lot of clothes, which are easy to transport whether on the plane or maybe even a large flat rate box.
From what you've said, your mother is determined to shake down your friends and family for gifts/cash/whatever on your behalf. What a terribly awkward position for you to be in.
I don't have any advice, because you already know how horrifically tacky it is to panhandle your guests for cash. Just keep trying to talk to your Mom about having a no-gifts get-together.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks for the advice! Yeah I'm not worried too much about the smaller things, was hoping to have some carry-on room and a flat rate box isn't too bad, it was everything else I was more concerned with. My mom knows that we'd have those places (Target, BRU, etc.) out there which is why she wanted to do the gift card thing in the first place (she did her research).
Good to know about Amazon. From what I read, the "free super saver shipping" applies to Hawaii too but I had no way to confirm it. So that's really good to know. I appreciate it!!
Oh I'm working on it, don't worry. I think she was just starting to get it when my aunt suggested the alternative (I wanted to put on the back of the invite something like "No gifts please! Thank you for your generosity but the pleasure of your presence is enough!" but she didn't want to do that. I mean, I get it, she's my mom and she wants to take care of me, and wants me to have what everybody else has, which is a shower where almost everything gets bought for you and you get to start of with all the essential baby stuff and not spend all your savings on it, but it just can't be that way and she's having a hard time with it.
Then SHE needs to buy you a bunch of gift cards and not expect everyone else to do it for you. You and your husband decided to have a baby. YOU need to pay for it. It's rude as hell to expect other people to buy all of your stuff for you. Jesus.
You should be incredibly embarrassed if this fiasco of a "shower" happens.
I can understand your situation and I honestly can't think of a way to request no gifts without sounding tacky. When I read about putting cash only on the invitation, this is what popped into my head. I only had two people buy off of my registry and the rest of the gifts were hand me downs or unused items they already had or random things my friends (who are already moms) found useful. If I had requested cash or gift certificates that would have been really awkward. I would feel uncomfortable being invited to a cash only shower since I wouldn't know how much to bring. I would do what someone else suggested and just not say anything on the invitation. After the shower, you can return whatever you need to and receive store credit (just like gift certificates) that you can use once you move to Hawaii.
If he is really being recruited to be the COO and eventually take over a company, they can/should/will pay to relocate your baby shower ***.
I didn't want it in the first place. But really, honestly, isn't that exactly the POINT of a shower anyways? For anyone? Wedding shower, baby shower, it is all the same. Someone even said it in this thread- the point of a shower is "shower (the mother/bride) with gifts". So isn't anyone throwing a shower for themselves or another person in ANY situation rude as hell, seeing as the whole point is always that you are expecting other people to buy all of your stuff for you?
Yes, he really is, but the company is small right now and cannot afford to pay for everything. They are already paying for us come out there for a week before we move and paying for just about everything. That is going to cost quite a bit. They offered to ship both of our cars, and SOME of our stuff, but like I said, we are negotiating more and do not know how much they will give us in moving expenses yet. They aren't some huge conglomerate or international company or franchise that can afford to pay all of our expenses at this point, and since we understand that reality, we are not expecting them to.
Wow you are high maintenance huh???
First, this is not unique.
Second, this is not stressful. If this is the most stressful thing in your life, you are quite blessed.
So don't have the shower. Problem solved.
Or, have the shower and check your bags home. Problem solved.
You indicate you *might* move to Hawaii. So don't worry about it until it happens. And, if it does, you have some extra stuff to move which you will need anyway.
Seriously OP, this is not that big of a deal. Relax.
You obviously don't lurk here very often or attend many showers. The amount of showers where "almost everything gets bought for you and you get to start with all of the essential baby stuff" are few and far between. Most baby showers revolve around clothes, diapers and the cutesy stuff that very few people actually need. You'll get the random showers where every thing off a registry is purchased, but those are the rarity.
Brace yourself for as nice as I'm going to be about this: The fact of the matter is this: Babies need very little. If you're worried about having to move a bunch of stuff, don't register for a bunch of stuff. Babies need a food source (boob or bottle), clothes (and honestly very little clothes the first couple of months and most of the time, people don't leave the house often), a car seat (which you'll use to fly and won't have to ship) and a place to sleep (which you can get one of those rock and play sleeper things which, from my understanding, folds up pretty flat--or you could sell before you move). All of the sterilizers, the diaper genies, the massive cribs and changing tables, the bouncer seat, the pack and play, the high chair, the dressers, the strollers----all of that stuff isn't that important at first. If the thought of having to deal with all of that is so stressful, don't register for it. If people ask about it, tell them that you may be moving and don't want to worry about it for the first couple of months.
If someone wants to give you a gift, they will give you one. There is no nice way of telling them that you just want your money. People, like your aunt, who are "ok" with being shook down for cash are the rarity. Having showers where people show up with armloads of cribs, high chairs and $300 worth of registry items are rare. As a rule, the only people that spend much money and buy that much are family. Tell your family you might be moving to Hawaii. Explain it. Let them buy what they want. Unless your family is full of idiots, most of them will get you gift cards just for the fact that you have to fly back across the country.
Like a PP said, if your husband getting what undoubtedly is a fantastically paid job and you moving to HAWAII is the most stressful thing in your life, you are pretty damned privileged.
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
I can't believe this thread is still going.
First, no it's not rude for a host to hold a shower where guests bring gifts for the bride or mother-to-be because, as previous posters mentioned, the guests will not always buy off the registry. Some people buy other places where they can get items cheaper, and some people make stuff. I have crocheted many gifts for baby showers/celebrations. I always include another gift as well, but my main gift wasn't on the registry and it wasn't an essential item obviously.
People will buy what they can and what they think is appropriate in each case. As previous posters said, if you have a gift card/money only shower people need to put down a certain amount in cash/on the check/on the card. If I were in that situation, I would feel very uncomfortable and wonder if I have put in enough money compared to all the other guests. I know that you will say it won't matter to you, but it might matter to your guests.
Second, I don't know a single bride or mother-to-be who ever expected her friends or family members to buy all of the stuff they need for their new home/new baby. I certainly don't expect that we will get everything off our registries and have already bought some stuff for the baby (crib, monitor, etc.). You accept the generous gifts you get and then you buy the other stuff you want/need yourself.
. . . I get it, she's my mom and she wants to take care of me, and wants me to have what everybody else has, which is a shower where almost everything gets bought for you and you get to start of with all the essential baby stuff and not spend all your savings on it, but it just can't be that way and she's having a hard time with it.
Here's what I think at this point: you actually do want the shower but for some reason you don't want to own up to it, and I suspect that even if you were not not tentatively moving to Hawaii, you'd still be trying to finagle a way to have a gift card/cash shower (e.g., you live in California and so it's easier than having to ship things there.) Every time someone replies with advice contrary to what you want to hear you throw out things like what you wrote above that is actually making me think are really are trying to be gift grabby.Yes, a shower is a gift for the MTB but it's point is not to help the MTB get "all the essential baby stuff and not spend [her] savings on it."
I already said that I don't go to very many showers, so I don't know what's normal. But the ones that I have been to, that is what happens. My family is pretty big so there are a lot of people to buy things. Some of the aunts will go in together and get the bigger registry items, and everyone else pretty much covers the rest. Maybe this is not normal, I will repeat that I do not know. But I do know that it isn't just confined to my family- one of our good friends had a baby shower about a year ago literally got everything they needed and that they had registered for, plus even more than that, and had nothing left that they had to buy for the baby. So that is just normal to me and not rude to expect, because I've never been to or even heard about a shower that was otherwise. That's just my experience. It never even occurred to me until reading these posts that this isn't normal, honestly.
I literally JUST got off the phone with my mother before your response trying to convince her to just call it a celebration or something instead of a "shower". I'm sure that you and everyone else who already thinks I'm a horrible person isn't going to change their mind, but the fact of the matter is, I never wanted a shower in the first place. I didn't want one for my wedding, and I don't want one now. In both cases, my mom insisted on throwing one for me. This time, it is different because I actually do have to know about it, where the other one was a "surprise". But this is leading to her insistence that what she decides to write on the invitation is on her and that she'd have done it that way if I didn't know about it, so I shouldn't be putting up such a fuss, and that everyone that we are inviting are close to us so they won't really be questioning why she would say that because they all know that we live far away.
And if we weren't moving, I'd just be trying to convince people to ship the bigger items to our place here instead of bringing them with them. That's it.
Fair enough. I certainly don't think you are a horrible person and I don't know you and know exactly what you're thinking, but I'm only responding to what I'm reading. The bottom line is you came on here asking for advice under the premise that you don't know how showers work - which you've reiterated several times - yet, when people try to clue you in on how things typically work (and what is considered to be proper etiquette/common courtesies to your guests), you keep throwing back that the things that are being suggested by your family (i.e, gift card shower) are socially acceptable in your group. So, if you really don't care about how showers typically work among the masses, then you should just go with what your family does and not look back. I think this all started with everyone sincerely trying to offer you the advice you seemed to be looking for but it seemed to be met with resistance every step of the way. This thread did spiral quite out of control, but it all began with good intentions. Please do not let the shower stress you out - this is a wonderful time in your life and things will work themselves out. I do wish you the best with your LO on the way!
I think people who know you would understand your situation and ship bigger items to your home without needing to be told. Even though many places offer free shipping, it's still asking your guests to incur that potential cost so you don't have to. If you did that, it would be rude.
Listen, OP, you're going to do what you want, so do it. But at this point, I don't see how anything else you say is going to justify this type of shower. You're saying that your mom says it won't reflect on you, so if that makes you feel better, go for it. However, people have repeatedly told you that they think it would appear rude in general, which is what you said you were trying to avoid in the first place.
Hmm, really? Even to say "no gifts" is impolite? Ok, fair enough, I didn't think about that being an issue. Genuine question- if mentioning anything about gifts is impolite, what makes it ok to call something a "shower" which directly references the point being gifts and writing "so and so is registered at xyz" on an invitation? I'm not trying to start an argument, I'm honestly curious. I'd like to have a good answer to that to say to my aunt, because she already told me she thinks it is the same thing. And I didn't have a good answer at the time.
I'm not going to register, and that's what I'm hoping to just do, not say anything on the invitation and hope people will figure it out (which I think they will).
There is a fine line between polite and impolite. You don't want to mention gifts directly, but you can imply. People, generally, know that a shower is a gift giving event, so the host is implying gifts are to be brought, but not actually saying "bring a gift". That is why many of the responses said let your mom throw a party, just don't call it a shower if you are worried about presents.
Honestly, I have never received an invitation where the registry was written on it. I did receive one invitation where 3 registry cards fell out of the envelope and I side eyed the h3ll out of it, but that's a whole different story.
I think people look at saying where the MTB as informational, like telling them the time and location of the shower, they are not saying you must shop off of the registry. Whereas, saying it is a "gift card" shower or "no gifts" you are telling the guests EXACTLY what to do.
I hope I was clear and helpful for you to be able to answer you aunt and mother.
You were very clear and helpful; thank you. I appreciate your advice. I will definitely say this in my next conversation with her/them on the issue, as I think it makes sense. Hope you don't mind another question - if I can convince my mom to not put anything about the gifts on the invite, when people to call to rsvp, if they ask her where I'm registered or what to get me, at that point if she responds with something about a gift card is that acceptable? I'm concerned that even if I can convince her to leave it off the invitation altogether that she'll just tell everyone anyways.
I've had the opposite experience with invitations actually; I've never gotten an invitation to a shower where it *didn't* say "registered at xyz" and in fact, I think every shower invitation I've looked at online has a line at the bottom that says just that ("registered at ... ")- many of them aren't even at the bottom, and are even above the "rsvp" line. So when you get invited to those showers without any info about the registry, what do you typically do?
At that point, the guest has made the inquiry as to what you need/would like and it's totally acceptable for your mom to say "She's registered at x,y,z" or "Honestly, she's very worried about having to transport the gifts to Hawaii when/if she moves, so it'd be best to keep the gifts small and easy to move---I think I'm going to get her a gift card to X or Y so if she ends up moving she can use it at the store in Hawaii and not have to ship it when she goes."
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
Once they call and ask, your mother can say that you aren't sure what your situation is going to be, so she thinks gift cards would be the best bet, or something along those lines. Word of mouth is fine as long as she's not saying something like, "starshine wants money".
When I am invited to a shower, I usually am close to the person, so I already know where they are registered or will just call them (or a family member, like the mother or aunt) and ask. Although, I'm not generally a registry buyer, I tend to get everything monogrammed. In a situation where I am not close to the person, example, we bought a gift for DH's law school buddy after the baby was born, I just googled the couple's name, it came right up.
No no no. That is probably one of the tackiest things I've ever heard of and your aunt's tacky radar must be broken. The difference between "registered at _____" and "gift cards only" is that a registry is a SUGGESTION, and there is still plenty to chose from, and not telling people what to give you. Not the case with "gift cards only". Yes, it's expecting gifts because a shower SHOWERS the mother with gifts, that's what a shower is for.
But I have a feeling you're going to tell yourself whatever you need to to make it okay in your head and do whatever you want anyway. But it's still tacky.
Let people get you what they want. Most people will have the common sense to not get you something to be shipped cross country. If they don't, return it to the store for a GC.
ETA I do not think you're a terrible person but you're asking "how do I make this not tacky?" and there's not a way to do it. Yes, if you leave the info off and people ask your mom (or you) you can say, we would appreciate items that we can easily bring back home like clothes or even a GC. When people ask you can tell them whatever you want. GL and I hope everything works out with your move.
This is my shocked face :-o
Really, at this point, why are we talking about it? You know the answer. I'm done discussing this. I knew how this was going from the first time you replied telling us that your aunt thought it was ok.
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
Holy sh!t. You just can't own up to it, can you? The fact is, you WANT a lot of money from other people. Deep down, you even feel entitled to it.
Everyone has told you that it's tacky. You seem to be OK with that, despite your protests. This post contradicts any protest you've made. Seriously, at this point, what are you looking for here? You're looking for some sort of validation here, and it's not going to happen.
Cripes, Star, it's CLEAR that this is what you want too. You say "oh no, it's not" but clearly it is. You have defended your mom at every step and even "found" evidence w/ your aunt that this is all o.k.
Keep talking the talk - it doesn't change the fact that this is ALL tacky and in order to appease your mom, you're going to basically shake down all your friends and family. It's clear this is what YOU want too - so just fricking go do it and stop looking for us to suddenly say "OH YES - you're right!!! What you want to do is totally fine.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If you feel strongly about doing the right thing, you sac up and stand your ground.
The only way to do this would be to have the shower and return the gifts you get for store credit that you can then use when you get back home.
People aren't stupid, I would think they'd assume you can't cart a pack n play box and a stroller back across the country. My cousin in FL had a shower here in RI and most of us gave her gift cards/cash or had items sent directly to her home. Bring an extra bag home with you so you can transport any clothing or small gifts and just return the big stuff for credit.
So, your parents have NO money, so much so that they can't pay their own bills. But yet you're happy to let your mom go hog wild with this party? I'm sure your brother will be thrilled that he's bailing out your parents but yet your mom is frittering away her money on a gift-grab (or should that be gift-card-and-cash grab) for you.
How does that make you feel? Really, not the tiniest bit guilty?
instead of putting "gift card only" on the invite, get your mom to try to talk to everyone before the shower, and have her explain your situation, so they get the hint of a gift card and not bulky items. You'll still get people sending you gifts, and buying you gifts for the baby; you really can't get out of it. I would politely say thank you, and return it for store credit when you can.
you could register at a few places; pottery barn, target, babies r us, put a few necessary things on it (maybe clothes or something you really love) and put a gift card on the registry. When people look at it; they might think people already bought you the big things, and they opt to get you a gift card or a small item. problem solved.
I am with the others in that I think you really want people to give you cash. Where I differ with the others is that I think you are blaming it on your aunt versus taking some ownership.
I still don't understand why a Meet The Baby Party is not a reasonable solution?
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
THIS!
Seriously? How does this contradict anything? This post states that I got into an argument with my mom about this whole thing because she still wants to do it and I said no!! And then she made ME feel guilty about insisting on her not writing it because telling everybody herself makes her uncomfortable. Not sure how this contradicts anything at all. She asked me to sleep on it, I was done fighting with her for the moment, so we got off the phone.
I'm obviously NOT ok with it, nor have I been from the beginning, and I don't see how that could be missed. I'm not looking for validation, I'm looking for a way to get through to the people who are insisting it isn't a problem.
It is clear to me that this is as helpful as this board gets. Thanks to those of you who actually offered advice and solutions.
I would just decline the shower. It sounds like it would be way more effort than it's actually worth.
I did have 2 out of state showers and packed what I could, then shipped everything to myself after the shower was over. I find it weird that you are all up in arms about "maybe moving off the mainland" and you don't even know if this is set in stone yet. And you can do re-sale of stuff you don't want to take with you or give it to friends who need it.
We also lived in very small quarters and did not have room for large baby items. I just did not register for them. Register for small stuff that you cannot live without (like clothes, a boppy, bath products) and leave it at that.
You are making this way more complicated than it needs to be. Just chill.
THEN DON'T HAVE A FLIPPIN' SHOWER!!!!!
My little man at 0-1-2
If you don't want a shower, tell them you don't want a shower.
If they still insist on a shower, or you really do want a shower, accept the gifts that people are generous enough to give you. You can return them and get store credit that you can use once you've moved.
It's really not 90 posts worth of difficult.
I haven't read all of the responses, so I'm sorry if I'm just repeating what other's have said.
First of all, I'm not sure why you would agree to having a shower if you don't want it? If the generosity of your friends and family will end up being a burden to you, please just turn down the shower offer. Perhaps you could do something special with your mom and/or a couple close friends instead? Spa day,ladies luncheon something along those lines. Especially since you mention that your parents have "NO money"this would make it easier and more affordable for your Mom. Or perhaps you could have a VERY SMALL shower? Only your CLOSEST friends and family.
It is considered rude to make mention of gifts or no gifts on invites. The fact that it is a shower implies that it is a gift giving event. Normally registry info is spread word of mouth by the hostess(es). In your case, if you decide to go through with the shower, I would assume that your Mom would make mention that a small gift or gift card would be appreciated when guests ask for information.
To be honest, if I received an invite requesting money or gift cards only, I would most likely decline. Just something to keep in mind. I hope this helps.