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Baby Showers
How to politely say "no physical gifts"?
So my situation is some what unique, as I live across the country from my family. I didn't even want a shower at all, but when my mom realized that I wouldn't be coming home again between Christmas and having the baby (don't know why she thought that in the first place!), she freaked and said that she had to throw us a shower at Christmastime (even though I'll only be 22 weeks). I'm going along with it for her sake, honestly; this is her first grandchild and if it is that important to her than I will let her do it.
But given that we live on the west coast, we will have literally no way to take gifts back with us. We won't even be checking a bag for our Christmas trip home (to the east coast) so that isn't an option. On top of this, we are possibly moving out of the mainland (to Hawaii) in early 2013, and will not be able to bring much with us at all. The only people who know about this potential move are my parents, since we didn't want to mention it until things were definite. If this all goes through, then we are pretty much planning to sell everything we own other than our cars and a few clothes that will fit in our suitcases. So even having people ship gifts here is not an option, because we still won't be able to take it with us.
So it is really important that we stress that physical gifts just cannot happen. My cousin suggested letting people buy us stuff and having my mom ship it to our new address (though she doesn't yet realize where our new address will be!), but that will cost my mom way more money than it is worth, especially because shipping is SO expensive to Hawaii. And my parents have NO money and I would never want that burden on them- they can't even pay their mortgage and other bills each month (my brother has been paying them). And WE have no extra money because we are not only saving up for all of the baby expenses, but the potential move, which is a huge expense on its own, not to mention other other debt obligations (student loans).
We are in a very unique situation and it is almost more stressful having than the shower than not having it, which is why I didn't want it in the first place. If people want to give us checks, or gift cards (Amazon would be great because they have everything for so much cheaper than stores plus free super saver shipping, even to Hawaii!), then that would be helpful, but anything else would just cause more stress. But how do I write that on the invitation without sounding ungrateful or greedy? I already wrote something that said "no gifts please" with an explanation, but my mom vetoed it because I think she's worried that people won't actually give us anything if it says that. So, any advice?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How to politely say "no physical gifts"?
But you missed the point- *nobody* knows that we will be living in Hawaii, except my parents. By the time we have everything figured it out it will be Christmas, right before when she wants to have the shower, and we don't want to tell anyone about the move until we actually have a solid plan. At this point, things are not set, and the last thing we need is everyone asking us a million questions that we don't have answers to.
Additionally, I never said that we were going to tell them to send cash/checks/gift cards, just that I wanted to ask for there to be no gifts at all, and I am looking for advice on how to phrase it to avoid exactly that- the impression that I'm asking for cash and being rude.
I've already spoken with my mom about this and about the stress of the whole thing, but like I said, this is her only chance to do something like this (this is my first and if my brother ever gets married or has kids, she mostly likely won't be the one throwing the shower) and I don't feel right taking that away from her. So we are having the shower. My mom's feelings matter more to me than the stress at the moment, and I'm just looking for a way to minimize the stress. I'm looking at the shower as a chance to see everybody before the baby is born and before our move, since the absolute earliest we could get home after this trip is Christmas 2013, and even that isn't definite. There will most likely be more people at the shower than will be at Christmas, because some of the family has been doing their own thing and won't be there, particularly the ones with small children and who live farther away. So at this point, I don't really want to give up the chance to everyone that I might not get to see otherwise.
So, that being said, does anybody have any actual advice on how I can phrase something on the invitation that makes it clear that we really can't have them bringing gifts to the shower, or shipping them to our current address, without it coming off negatively?
So what other options would be there if there are no physical gifts, but to give cash/gift cards etc?
I'm sorry, but I agree with the previous posters...there is no polite way to say that, even if your plans are not solidified and your intentions are well meaning. You should probably not be having a shower. Or just plan to pay some big bucks to ship the gifts back to wherever you're going to be living.
My little man at 0-1-2
There's no polite way to say it.
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
Yes, obviously checks and gift cards would be helpful. But the whole purpose of me stating it was that I don't want to say that and I don't want people to think that we are asking for that. I'm trying to NOT be rude, impolite, ungrateful, greedy, etc., and I thought I had made that clear from the very first post because I didn't even want the shower anyways!
The point is that this is really the only chance that the family has to celebrate the baby with us at all. It isn't important to me to have one, so how I'm putting too much importance on it I'm not sure. It IS important to her and she's already made it clear that not having one isn't an option, so what else am I supposed to do? Get into a fight with her about it? It isn't worth it to me to fight with her and make her upset. She's already dealing with enough as it is with me being so far away, even worse now that I'm pregnant and so far away and she doesn't get to be a part of it, us potentially being even farther away, and now having a grandchild that she'll be lucky to see once a year. So if this one thing makes it even a little bit better for her, what kind of person am I to insist on taking that away from her?! She isn't renting a fancy hall and getting it professionally catered; we are having it at the house, will make the food ourselves, and aren't having any crazy shower games or decorations. At this point, it is more of a family reunion with the purpose of celebrating the baby than a traditional shower.
It isn't about us living on the west coast, it is about us moving off the mainland. Everyone knows where we live now, and they would think that the solution is just to buy it and have it shipped directly to us. Because of the situation that we are currently in, that isn't an option either. That is what makes it unique, in my opinion, not because we live far away, but because we are also most likely moving in a few months where taking our stuff with us isn't an option. Most people that move even to another state can bring things with them- we can't.
So we are having the shower. My mom's feelings matter more to me than the stress at the moment, and I'm just looking for a way to minimize the stress.
You aren't putting your moms feelings above stress. You're putting her feelings above politeness and ALL your guests feelings.
Past that - if you don't want GIFTS, then DON"T HAVE A SHOWER. That is what a shower is 100% about- showering the MTB w gifts.
If she wants to throw a party so everyone can see you - go for it. But do not make it about the baby and do not call it a shower.
To call it a shower then tell people "we can't take/ship gifts home" is telling them "we want cash.
That is rude.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
"But given that we live on the west coast, we will have literally no way to take gifts back with us."
You can mail them back using the post office. Yes, it might be expensive, but that is to be factored into travel costs.
"On top of this, we are possibly moving out of the mainland (to Hawaii) in early 2013, and will not be able to bring much with us at all."
Work with the situation you have now. Take what you can to Hawaii if you end up moving there. Again, you can always ship items ahead of time or donate/sell whatever you can't bring with you to the islands.
"So it is really important that we stress that physical gifts just cannot happen."
That is the point of a shower. If you are worried about this then don't have a shower. Have a sip and see or meet the baby party when you give birth or shortly after.
It is boorish, tacky and in poor tastes to ask people for cash, check, cashier's check or any other form of anything. Whatever they buy you should be appreciated, and that's it. If you can't manage that then don't have a shower. Its not the end of the world.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
Really? Seriously? Its tacky, rude and inappropriate no matter how you phrase it. You can't do cash only, gift certificate only, howeveryouphraseittotrytomakeitsoundbetter-only anything.
You show up to the shower, visit, eat, collect gifts and ship them home. If you can't do any of that then you don't get the shower. I really don't understand how this is difficult concept.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
All of this. Don't register. Don't mention the baby in the invitation. Just have a nice celebration with your family. Then there's no stress about transporting gifts at all.
No thoughts or experiences with this. I would probably be offended if I were invited to a "cash only" or "money" shower. Not only are you telling people what to give you, you are telling them to give you money. I would find that rude.
The registry is a suggestion. No one has to buy you anything off the registry.
I guess I misread your original post. So...your family and friends don't know you "might" be moving to Hawaii? Is that it? I mean, it sounds like they do know you live on the west coast...far from where your mom lives...right? If that is the case then they should be able to use common sense and realize that things either need to be shipped directly to your West Coast address or give you a gift card. If they don't, hopefully they use your registry and you can return stuff while still visiting your mom and then rebuy it in Hawaii (or wherever you will be).
I do agree with others that you should not call it a shower if you don't want gifts. If people know you are PG they will most likely bring a gift anyway (hopefully it can be returned or you'll be able to transport it home). You said you aren't bringing luggage...but maybe you can buy or borrow a suitcase of your mom's to transfer small items to the West Coast. Be sure your mom keeps it small...that way there won't be too many items. It is possible people will just wait until after you have the baby to send a gift (since you will only be 22 weeks they might not even "think" gift at this time - unless your mom insists on calling it a shower). Then you can let them know it is possible you might be moving to Hawaii. After that they can decide if they want to send something just before the baby is due or after - hopefully you'll be able to update everyone as to your living arrangements once they are firm.
Yes, my thought is that telling people you are having a "gift card only" shower is one of the tackiest things I have ever heard of. Please just don't do it.
My little man at 0-1-2
I've been reading this and trying to be open minded to your situation but you just keep digging the hole deeper and deeper. Case in point:
My mom spoke with my aunt last night and she suggested we just write a line on it that says "we are having a "gift card" only shower"
I have NEVER heard of such of thing and if I was invited to one of these, it would make me very uncomfortable. Here's why: People don't alway shop off a registry. I a guarantee that I got many gifts (nice gifts) from people from places like Marshalls, TJ Maxx, off the clearance rack somewhere, etc. (In fact, I just bought a $20 Carters blanket for $5 at Marshalls). They may have only been able to spend $10 but were able to get items that looked like they spent much more. To have to hand you a gift card for a nominal amount knowing that others might gift you more, could be very uncomfortable for people. (Don't say you won't read the amounts out loud - they know that you know how much they spent compared to others.)
I'm sorry, I truly think the only option for you if your mom is insisting on throwing you a shower and you want to honor that, is take the gifts people give you and return them for store credit or find a way to ship them back. Everything other option seems tacky and gift grabby and places too much burden on your guests.
I can't think of anything more tacky honestly. A registry is a suggestion - similar to giving people ideas if they ask. Telling people gift cards/cash/etc. only is more than a suggestion - it's making it sound mandatory. Definitely not the same.
If you don't want to tell everyone about your situation and you don't want gifts, you have to forego the shower. I'd just host a party and not call it a shower -- People will congratulate you and your mom on the baby anyway, and then you won't have to worry about the presents.
You are not understanding what these ladies are saying to you. It is rude to ask for money, gift cards, a showers purpose is to shower you with gifts not to say shower us with money. Get over yourself and realize that you should turn down the "shower" and move on. I've NEVER seen a "cash only" shower...I would not participate.
Henry Cavill...You're welcome!
BFP #3: EDD 1/10/13 **DS born 12/30/12!!!**
BFP #2: MC 7/2/11 @ 12 weeks
**Missing our February '12 LoveBug**
BFP #1: MMC discovered on 12/6/10
If your mom really wants to throw a shower and have the invitations say gift card only let her. People might still bring a regular gift because they want to but I bet most will understand and be happy to give you the gifts you need rather than what they want.
Ill be having a second shower for this baby because within my family and friends that's what we do. We celebrate every child not just the first one. In fact im helping throw a friends shower for her third. So while this board has great advise in general it does not have all the answers for what is right in every situation.
Congratulations on your baby and potential move!
So, I suggest you (a) register, (b) put at the registry list, "Gift cards welcome", (c) Don't register for ANYTHING large, (just things like bibs and clothes, which are small), and then you can return anything you don't feel like transporting to wherever it is you end up. Heck, do it the day after the shower. It's a hassle, but you could leave one or two stores with a good gift card and maybe just take an outfit or two that would fit in your own luggage.
However, other than registering and dropping hints that way, there is no polite way to tell people, "give us gift cards/cash." None.
All of this.
I live in Nc and my shower is in STL. We are flying for the shower, I don't think I could handle a 15 hr drive at 30 weeks pregnant!
I registered at amazon and diapers.com, both are online only with free shipping. So far people have been buying off the registry and shipping us the gifts. Whoever brings a gift to the shower , we will just ship it back ourselves. Everyone knows we are traveling though.
So let's recap for everyone:
"I live far away and may move, but we don't know for sure. How do I tell people nicely that I only want their money and not actual presents?"
(Summary of 15 responses or so) "You can't say that in a nice way--it's tacky and awful. If you don't want to deal with gifts, then don't have a shower, it's simple"
"But you don't understand----I don't apply to the rules---it needs to be ok for me, how can I make it ok?"
"There is no way to do it, it's tacky as hell"
"Well, my aunt has really tacky friends (and/or is tacky herself) and says it's totes ok to do this, so there :stick out tongue and stomp foot: Does anyone have experience with this type of a shower?"
"No! No one has experience with it, because people don't do it. Do you know why? People don't do it because it's tacky."
"You don-a-kno-my-lyfe!"
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
But to answer your OP: I'll make you a poem, poems make everything ok.
"Don't buy me a crib, a blanket or shoe
there's only one thing that I'm asking from you
bring me your cash, your tens and your fifty's
or just give me gift cards, I think that's quite nifty.
Don't pick out a gift, you'll just be a pain
I'd have to return it, to get cash once again
See, we live far away and we don't want to pay
to ship all your generosity back home our way.
Stop all your gossip, stop all your talk
I know that this seems a tacky road that we walk
but don't judge us, we're special you see
we may might perhaps move to hawaii.
So go to your bank, free up your cash
Come join us soon, for our fundraising bash!
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
I appreciate the suggestion and did consider this, but by the time she could have the "shower" it would be 8 months after the baby was born, because we won't be home again until next Christmas at the earliest. At that point, we would already have to have everything that people would want to get for us and people giving us baby gifts would seem silly. Plus, I don't think my mom would want to wait that long.
Re: people buying nice gifts for less, I totally get that, as my mom does it all the time, and that is definitely a thought for consideration to bring up with her, because she really will be able to relate to that situation, and how she would feel were she to get such an invite.
Everyone else: Thanks, I guess? I don't really feel like I got much help here, and accusing me of being "gift grabby" and being rude completely goes against everything that I've said. I was genuinely asking for advice specifically on behalf of my guests to avoid all of those things and I feel like all I've gotten is flamed and yelled at for wanting to make my mom happy.
My aunt still insists after talking to her myself that this is totally normal and that because people do sometimes have to do different things because of living situations like mine, and that everybody understands sometimes things can't be traditional. She didn't seem to have a problem with any of those shower invitations that she got asking for money only nor did anyone else who went to them. I asked my best friend and she said it would be off-putting in any other situation, but given that everybody knows how difficult it will be to get things back here that is fine, and that I could even add a humorous one line explanation like "gift-cards only, due to airline weight restrictions" to lighten it up a bit.
My aunt also said that typically, I wouldn't be involved in any of this at all, and if my mom decides to do things a certain way then it doesn't come back on me, it comes back on her, and her goal is just to make my life easier, which everybody will understand. So, I don't know.
Yes, this!
I guess if you and your aunt feel comfortable with asking for cash and gift cards then proceed....I'd be so embarrassed if I were you.
Henry Cavill...You're welcome!
BFP #3: EDD 1/10/13 **DS born 12/30/12!!!**
BFP #2: MC 7/2/11 @ 12 weeks
**Missing our February '12 LoveBug**
BFP #1: MMC discovered on 12/6/10
....and pretty much anyone else that has a sense of tact.
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
OP- You posted here because you wanted advice and opinions, and people gave them to you. It seems like you just don't like what they had to say. I feel like what you are really looking for is people to tell you that your situation is special and that it's okay for your mom/aunt/host/whoever to request cash/gift cards only from your guests. Several posters said that it's rude.You're choosing not to listen to this. Fine. You're going to do what you want. However, while I agree that it's fine to buck tradition in some ways and in some situations, I don't think it's ever appropriate to ask guests for money. That's my opinion about your situation.
I never expected people to tell me that I'm special and that makes it ok; I also did expect people to say it was not ok- because I don't think it is either and my family is telling me not to worry about it! However, I specifically stated more than once that I am trying to AVOID being rude, greedy, tacky etc. etc. etc. throughout this whole thing, and instead of people offering any *actual* advice (outside of the one or two who did), I got called all of those things that I was already explicitly wanting to avoid before ever posting here. If anybody had any alternative suggestions, I wanted to hear them. If somebody other than my aunt had been to such a shower, I wanted to hear about it. My aunt lives in the middle of no where, and I thought maybe if she had been to these kinds of showers on more than one occasion then maybe they were more popular than I thought and coming to be expected these days and I was putting up a fuss for nothing. I don't go to baby showers very often so I don't know.
I don't take issue with people saying it is a bad idea. I DO take issue with the fact that I came here and said "I don't want to be rude, I don't want to be that greedy/impolite/tacky person, so please offer me some suggestions on how to deal with this without upsetting my mother" and almost every single response has been "you're being rude" and "you're that greedy/impolite/tacky person that everyone hates" when I haven't even done anything yet. That isn't at all constructive and doesn't give me any alternative solutions to discuss with my mom.
THIS!!!!!! return the gifts! if its something you like then get a carry -on or pay the fee to check a bag. Checking a bag isnt that deep.
on another note: not to get up in your business maybe deferring your loans will help!
They can't offer advice, because it is tacky. You can dip a turd in chocolate, but in the end, it'll still taste like crap.
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
I understand what you're saying, but I didn't say you were rude. I said that for your host/mom/whoever to make the request for gift cards/cash was rude. After people told you that the situation was not a good one (that anyone putting anything about money/gift cards on the invitation was rude, not that you were necessarily rude, but that that action would be rude) you continued to ask about it, saying that your aunt thinks it would be okay. After that, you asked if people had experience with a "cash only" shower. Once again, because you asked for opinions, I said that I would find that situation to be rude and a little offending as a guest.
I feel that people DID give you good suggestions about how to avoid being rude. Have a family celebration instead of a shower. Have a shower, but ship the presents back yourself or exchange the large gifts at a store for the credit afterwards. You were the person who came back to the "cash/gift cards only" thing later in the post.
Since you asked for advice on how to handle this situation without being rude, my opinion is that your host should not include "cash only" shower or "gift card only" shower on the invitation. If you don't find this advice constructive, then I really don't know what to tell you other than do what you think is right and enjoy your celebration.
People gave you alternative solutions but you keep insisting that telling guests to not bring physical gifts is the best option. Since doing so is incredibly rude, there's not much else to be said. You can word it in any fashion, include a poem, or explain your situation until you're blue in the face but the bottom line is it's tacky and nothing will change that.
If I were you, I'd register at BRU, for large and small gifts, and just plan on returning any physical gifts you recieve the day after the shower, and get a store credit. Then you'll have a store credit for $1000 or so, that you can apply towards re-buying everything after you know if you're moving or not.
I have to ask, what is the top secret job in hawaii? And why won't you be taking anything with you??
That's not a bad idea either. Takes some time but might be a better option. Thanks! (Same to the few others who said this too)
LOL, it isn't a top secret job. He's basically being hunted by this company by the founder/president/CEO to take over - going from technical director to COO in 5 years and then basically completely taking over the company when this guy retires. It is a huge opportunity for him and an amazing one at that, but there's a lot involved that requires us to make some pretty big decisions. If we weren't pregnant, we'd probably already be over there, but with the baby we have some concerns and want to make sure that we do this right because it isn't just us anymore. So we haven't told anybody yet, other than my parents, because they are bound to have a million questions that we don't have answers to yet, concerns about the baby, and worries about us being even far away than we already are.
The reason we wouldn't be able to take anything is because that is the easiest and best way to move from the mainland to the islands- getting rid of everything and starting fresh over there. The company is willing to pay to ship our cars over there, but the car shipping companies require them to be empty, so we can't pack the cars (which was my initial plan). He's working on negotiating it out with them for them to ship more of our stuff as part of the moving expenses, but nothing is settled on yet, and for us to ship things ourselves can easily cost thousands. So it actually can cost more to ship things than they're worth, which is why it is better to sell them or just even get rid of them and buy everything there. At this point, our cheapest/best option for the stuff that we really want to bring is to check two suitcases each when we fly out there for good, but four suitcases really doesn't fit all that much when you're trying to move your whole life and everything you own!