How to politely say "no physical gifts"?

Sydney0130 · November 2012

starshineamator:
RiverSong82:
starshineamator:
Everyone else: Thanks, I guess? I don't really feel like I got much help here, and accusing me of being "gift grabby" and being rude completely goes against everything that I've said. I was genuinely asking for advice specifically on behalf of my guests to avoid all of those things and I feel like all I've gotten is flamed and yelled at for wanting to make my mom happy.
My aunt still insists after talking to her myself that this is totally normal and that because people do sometimes have to do different things because of living situations like mine, and that everybody understands sometimes things can't be traditional. She didn't seem to have a problem with any of those shower invitations that she got asking for money only nor did anyone else who went to them. I asked my best friend and she said it would be off-putting in any other situation, but given that everybody knows how difficult it will be to get things back here that is fine, and that I could even add a humorous one line explanation like "gift-cards only, due to airline weight restrictions" to lighten it up a bit.
My aunt also said that typically, I wouldn't be involved in any of this at all, and if my mom decides to do things a certain way then it doesn't come back on me, it comes back on her, and her goal is just to make my life easier, which everybody will understand. So, I don't know.
OP- You posted here because you wanted advice and opinions, and people gave them to you. It seems like you just don't like what they had to say. I feel like what you are really looking for is people to tell you that your situation is special and that it's okay for your mom/aunt/host/whoever to request cash/gift cards only from your guests. Several posters said that it's rude.You're choosing not to listen to this. Fine. You're going to do what you want. However, while I agree that it's fine to buck tradition in some ways and in some situations, I don't think it's ever appropriate to ask guests for money. That's my opinion about your situation.
I never expected people to tell me that I'm special and that makes it ok; I also did expect people to say it was not ok- because I don't think it is either and my family is telling me not to worry about it! However, I specifically stated more than once that I am trying to AVOID being rude, greedy, tacky etc. etc. etc. throughout this whole thing, and instead of people offering any *actual* advice (outside of the one or two who did), I got called all of those things that I was already explicitly wanting to avoid before ever posting here. If anybody had any alternative suggestions, I wanted to hear them. If somebody other than my aunt had been to such a shower, I wanted to hear about it. My aunt lives in the middle of no where, and I thought maybe if she had been to these kinds of showers on more than one occasion then maybe they were more popular than I thought and coming to be expected these days and I was putting up a fuss for nothing. I don't go to baby showers very often so I don't know.
I don't take issue with people saying it is a bad idea. I DO take issue with the fact that I came here and said "I don't want to be rude, I don't want to be that greedy/impolite/tacky person, so please offer me some suggestions on how to deal with this without upsetting my mother" and almost every single response has been "you're being rude" and "you're that greedy/impolite/tacky person that everyone hates" when I haven't even done anything yet. That isn't at all constructive and doesn't give me any alternative solutions to discuss with my mom.

I think the issue other posters are having is that any time they offer you advice on what to do, you say it's not an option. It's not an option to ship the gifts to HI, it's not an option not to have the shower...etc. The options you are left with are the tacky ones, which are the ones you are trying to avoid...yet it *seems* you are trying to justify them anyway. Hopefully that's more clear? Your best option seems to be PP suggestion of having a get together that is not a shower. I'm sure people will send gifts to your new home in HI when they find out your situation, and if they don't, then they don't. You won't have to worry about moving the gifts, being tacky and your mother gets her party. Seems like everyone wins.

mypreciouscargos · November 2012

Not sure if this is mentioned (too much to scroll through all the posts), why don't you registered at amazon and mentioned that on the invite. that way, you control where the gifts will go....

BallSox · November 2012

mypreciouscargos:
Not sure if this is mentioned (too much to scroll through all the posts), why don't you registered at amazon and mentioned that on the invite. that way, you control where the gifts will go....

Well, she's going to tell you it's because she may or may not move to Hawaii and doesn't want to end up having to move all of the stuff there (it's not just an east coast/west coast problem, it's an east coast/west coast/Hawaii problem).

The real reason is, because she wants gift cards and cash.

duffmaker · November 2012

Okay I only really read to where you responded that your aunt or someone said to write you are having a gift card only shower. Um no, there is zero way to do this tastefully... and it may be "common" but it is and always will be side-eyed, that isn't the point of a shower. Your aren't supposed to be collecting money.

My thoughts, if this is something your mother REALLY wants to do (and I don't blame her, there is something very special IMO about being able to host a baby shower for your only daughter!) and it is an experience you 1. want to allow her and 2. want to have yourself. Then just do it. Have a real shower, say nothing specific about gifts at all. Stop over thinking all of this and be happy about your baby, your mother's overwhelming joy/generosity/selflessness (considering she's tight on money) and being able to see family and friends that you otherwise wouldn't at your normal holiday celebrations.

Here's the thing, everyone knows you live far away. Very few people are going to get you anything too big where you can't easily bring it home with you or they will order it online, where you are registered and the site will ship it directly to the address you supplied. Or just don't register for anything giant. It isn't a big to-do to bring an empty bag to use to bring small shower gifts home on the plane or to ship them home. Yes, I do understand that you *might* be moving out of the continental US... yes this poses an interesting dilemma. If it's just a possibility, why stress so much over this? You don't have to tell anyone and you don't have to freak out over the what ifs, let things pan out as they do, if you don't move... will you kick yourself for not having this shower and not "taking advantage" of the things you will ultimately need for baby, and them coming from family members not your own wallet? If you do move, everything you receive can be 1. returned for store credit (Amazon, BRU, Target, etc. all exist in Hawaii) or 2. sold on craigslist/ebay/etc.

Stop stressing out honey and just enjoy this very special time!

breathlife · November 2012

forgive me if this is a duplicate .. I didnt read all the PP ..

You could do a virtual shower .. let your mom host, set up skype and the people that bring you the gifts can open them for you on the screen ... If you mom dosent have the money to ship the gifts would you be able to pay for the shipping ?? I know not a perfect solution but if you are worried about not hurting your moms feelings it might work

Liz4444 · November 2012

breathlife:

forgive me if this is a duplicate .. I didnt read all the PP ..

You could do a virtual shower .. let your mom host, set up skype and the people that bring you the gifts can open them for you on the screen ... If you mom dosent have the money to ship the gifts would you be able to pay for the shipping ?? I know not a perfect solution but if you are worried about not hurting your moms feelings it might work

Definitely not a duplicate because this it's a horrible idea.

cg0112358 · November 2012

Wow, I'm pretty liberal about things like this and even I think it's tacky to reques GC in the invite or to have a "money" shower. Don't have the shower, you won't have to "stress" about all of the wonderful things that people took their time to pick out for you and their LO. Another suggestion is along the lines of what my dad did when he married my SM. They had a reception and in the invite it said "Your presence is gift enough" to imply no need for gifts. Some people will still bring them but there won't be near as many as you would have originally received. I know that showers are designed to shower the MTB with gifts but they don't have to be, you can simply have/enjoy the shower as a chance to enjoy time with family/friends and not have to stress about receiving physical gifts. Or, you can have your "money/GC" shower and come off as tacky and someone who just wants others money.