MIL wants in the delivery room! (Need to Vent) — The Bump
3rd Trimester

MIL wants in the delivery room! (Need to Vent)

So from day one I only wanted my husband and mother in the delivery room with me, but the other day at 38 weeks my MIL and FIL sat me down for a talk.  They told me that are always left out (constantly make themselves the victims) and that they should be in the room too, and that DH and I's decision to have bonding time with baby before visitors came in was selfish.  Basically they had me crying telling me that I was treating them unfairly for an hour. It was horrible.  Talked to DH about how uncomfortable I would be, especially with FIL, my own dad isn't in coming in there. So DH says if I don't want them in there then my mother shouldn't be either because it wouldn't be fair, SERIOUSLY!! Is it just me or should what the woman who will be giving birth  get to decide this and not be questioned on it. I am now torn I don't want to fight with my husband or in laws but I want to have a comfortable environment while in labor. 
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Naomirod13huskerschick06mrssitkowski2015
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Re: MIL wants in the delivery room! (Need to Vent)

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  • It's all up to you. If you don't feel comfortable with all of them in the room then that's your decision. I am only letting SO and my mother in the room.

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  • Is your mom leaving right after the baby is born so you and DH can bond? That is the only place I would have a question about it. If your mom is there to support you and then leaving before holding the baby and coming back in with your in-laws later then this seems totally fair. If she is going to get to hold and meet the baby before your in-laws then I see your DH's point.
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    CassieBeesKnees
  • Umm no way in HELL will any man (who is not a medical professional or the one who knocked me up) be in that room with me.  NO WAY! 

    Also what PP said.  It's your body.  DH and his family will have to suck it up.  If you want your mother in there and not his, that is your choice.

    Could you maybe change your rule to allow them to see the baby sooner than everyone else but tell them you do not want them in the room with you?  This way they feel included but you don't have to be on display.

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  • Many facilities recommend/allow only 2 people present in the delivery room.  Talk with your doctor and then maybe tell your inlaws "my doctor prefers that only 2 people be present..my husband and my mom."

    When our DS was born, we had already agreed that it would only be the two of us.  Thank GOD!  By the time he was delivered, after 3 1/2 hours of pushing, there were 3 staff nurses, a nursing student, an OB resident, my doctor and 3 NICU nurses.  Plus my husband, equipment, the bed...it was a tight "party".  There were some issues immediately surrounding his birth, the cord was doubly wrapped around his neck, he was anterior presentation (ouch!) he wasn't breathing and had to be "jump started".  I can only imagine how emotional and possibly annoying it could have been if there were other famly members in the room.  My doctor had even made it respectfully clear that the only person he answers to in the delivery room is the birthing mother.  Not the grandparents or inlaws who may have "questions and concerns".

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    [Deleted User]AprilShowers4175
  • imagebearkatjen:
    Your DH and your in-laws are being ridiculous. You are the one laboring and pushing the baby out. It's not an event for spectators. The only people who need to be in the room are people that you need for support and coaching. If that's your DH and your mom, well then that's that. This is about YOUR needs, and nobody else's. Selfish? Give me a break!

     This!!! Sending you love and strength so you can be assertive about your needs! 

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  • It is your decision.

    Hands down.

    Period.

    Do not let them guilt you into being uncomfortable. DH needs a huge reality check about trying to tell you what is and isn't fair in this situation. The important thing is who will be there for YOU and who will be supporting you. I'm wishing you the best of luck for L&D and hoping your ILs get a freaking clue.

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    [Deleted User]
  • Also,  I don't get this whole "it's only fair who gets to hold the baby first" stuff.  I could really care less who feels like it was "fair" that they were first, second or last.   Guess what? I will be the FIRST person to hold my baby (aside from medical personnel.) 

    A friend of mine felt totally cheated because her inlaws, sister AND mom ALL held her baby while she was being stitched up.  That to me is horrific.  I wouldn't want that possibility.  Nope.  Your mom and your inlaws already got their moments in the sun when their children were born.  This is your delivery, your moment in the sun.  Your decisions. 

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  • Grow a pair.  Seriously.

    You're a big girl.

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    wyntxs
  • imageMrsT1108:

    Grow a pair.  Seriously.

    You're a big girl.

    This. It's your decision not anyone else's. Your husband should be supporting you not trying to baby his parents. 

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  • imageMrs&Dr2b:
    Is your mom leaving right after the baby is born so you and DH can bond? That is the only place I would have a question about it. If your mom is there to support you and then leaving before holding the baby and coming back in with your in-laws later then this seems totally fair. If she is going to get to hold and meet the baby before your in-laws then I see your DH's point.

    Yes the plan was for my mom to leave right away 

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  • imageMissNikki007:

    Your vagina is the one that will be on display, therefore, you are the one that gets to decide who's in the room.

    This. And legally, you are the patient so I'm pretty sure YOU AND ONLY YOU get to decide who is in that room.

    Tell DH to shut up, tell your IL's to shut up.


    gena8223
  • Thank you ladies, I am one of those people who compromises on a lot to avoid any confrontation, and know with a little validation I am feeling better about standing up for myself.
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    Kstowe07ranaverde
  • What the heck is wrong with people? It is not their call and I don't see why they wouldn't understand your need for privacy!!! Why the heck would they WANT to be there?? Isn't it enough to see the baby after it's born?

    My hospital has a policy that you only get one support person unless you make special arrangements. I guess you don't have anything like that to help you out?

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  • imageMissNikki007:
    Your vagina is the one that will be on display, therefore, you are the one that gets to decide who's in the room.


    This exactly!!
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  • Good.  You never know-you may kick your mom and DH out at any time too!
  • imageMrs&Dr2b:
    Is your mom leaving right after the baby is born so you and DH can bond? That is the only place I would have a question about it. If your mom is there to support you and then leaving before holding the baby and coming back in with your in-laws later then this seems totally fair. If she is going to get to hold and meet the baby before your in-laws then I see your DH's point.

    Agreed. This would be the only point I'd find iffy. 

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  • Just tell them

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    Seriously though, you have the final say. And why do they want to be there anyway? It's not some public service; it's labor. They'll get to see and hold the baby in due time but this is your body, your baby, and your decision. They'll get over it.

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    grace_smith03
  • I agree with the PP that it is your decision and your body.  But with that being said, I have a friend that recently delivered that went through a very similar situation.  Her MIL is very overbearing and extremely loud and pushy.  Originally she was only going to have her husband and her mother in the room.  Her husband is an only child and she began to feel bad about her MIL never having the experience of being in the delivery room.  In the end, she decided to allow her in.  Amazingly enough, she was a huge help for my friend's mom and her husband and she did not interfere at all. 

    Ultimately it is your desicion - no one else's.  The fact that your FIL wants to be included seems extraordinarly creepy!!!  He can wait just like everyone else. 

    I personally will not have my MIL in the room and don't feel bad about the decision at all.  I want her to be included in my child's life as much as my parents but the delivery room is not about that!

    GL with your decision.  T&P your way!

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    micaelasmakeup
  • imagegrace1404:
    Thank you ladies, I am one of those people who compromises on a lot to avoid any confrontation, and know with a little validation I am feeling better about standing up for myself.

    WTF was there to validate?  You needed internet strangers to tell you to be a big girl?  You need us to tell you that it's YOUR body and YOUR decision?  You  couldn't figure that our on your own?

    Oy.

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  • I believe that is the your choice...With me my in-laws won't even be called until she is born.  
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  • imageMissNikki007:

    Your vagina is the one that will be on display, therefore, you are the one that gets to decide who's in the room.

     

    My thoughts exactly!! LOL

  • imageMissNikki007:

    Your vagina is the one that will be on display, therefore, you are the one that gets to decide who's in the room.

    Yeah. Really. It's THAT simple.  People are so damn weird... I don't even know what to say other that do NOT let her bully you into allowing her there.  It's intimate, private stuff, PERIOD. 

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  • imagesnowflake91011:

    imagegrace1404:
    Thank you ladies, I am one of those people who compromises on a lot to avoid any confrontation, and know with a little validation I am feeling better about standing up for myself.

    Do not compomise here.  First of all, the more stressed out and uncomfortable you are, the more stress you will put on the baby.  Tell your H that - would he want to risk the health of the baby in order to make his mommy happy?  Your MIL had her moment when she had her kid(s).  Now it is your turn.  She'll get over it.

    What she said!! Im shocked he even told you that your mom being there was unfair! And seriously FIL in the room is just creepy... no way in hell would mine be there and no way in hell will my MIL be in the room with us... 1) I dont like her to begin with 2) since we got the BFP all she talks about is how her pregnancy and delivery went and how mine will be soooo difficult because hers was..... seriously I want to tell her STFU!

    Its your baby, your body and your L&D ... its not a show or spectator event if they want to see a birth tell them all to youtube it ;) My mom and my DH will be in the room that is all... no questions and no exceptions and if MIL doesnt like it then she can just wait in her hotel room until we go home!!

    Be strong and don't let your hubs or in-laws get you upset!! Just focus on you and that precious baby you are about to bring into the world!! Good luck!

     

     

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  • Our hospital only allows a MAXIMUM of 3 people in the delivery room...  Maybe ask the nurses to lie and say for some reason only 1 or 2 people can be in the room?  Let the hospital staff be the "bad guys" when they show up and try to force their way in... I'm sure they won't mind doing that for you.
    pregnant
  • The fact that they sat you down and basically demanded to be in the room is ridiculous.  Your FIL wanted to be in the room is very odd, most women just want their moms and husbands, so you are not being selfish or rude by requesting only those two - its normal.  That said, I did invite my MIL to be in the room with our first because I WANTED to include her... not because DH or she insisted on it.  (Although she has tried to force her names on us for this final baby and I shot her down right away).  If you give in or try to accommodate them, you will be the only one who feels bad, and you should not have that weighing on you or stressing you out right now, nor while experiencing one of the biggest moments of your life.  GL!
    [Deleted User]
  • I have an incredibly difficult relationship with my ILs so I am feeling for you!  First odd, DH needs to be on YOUR side and this isn't a "fairness" debate.  Your mom is your mom and if you want her there, no questions asked.  I had my mom there and would never have entertained discussion of my ILs......Your ILs can feel left out all they want and don't make it your problem.  I know from experiences how hard that is but know that with people who feel victimized, you will never please them, even if you bend over backwards to try to do so.   The fact that your in laws chose to sit you down to make you feel like crap while your pregnant, speaks volumes about their character.  Mine did the same, except they screamed and yelled at DH when I was home on bedrest due to high pressure....Awesome.  I had to learn to stick to my guns, speak my mind respectfully and move on.  I would honestly tell them how uncomfortable they made you, putting you in an awkward position that you are not comfortable with, end of story.  I am so sorry you are dealing with this!
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  • To my husband I would say this: "If you don't back me up you won't be in the delivery room either. Understand?" 

    This is an excellent time for "acknowledge, ignore, move on". Your IL's are not your problem, they are your husbands problem, and if he tries to make them your problem, I would hand him another problem to deal with. Mainly, a pregnant and pissy wife who has now kicked his non-supportive ass out of the delivery room until he as apologized with some roses and a good card. 

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  • Your mother being in the room is NOWHERE NEAR the same thing as your MIL being in there, let alone your FIL.. that would be seriously awkward. I am also having DH and my mother in the room but my MIL is not welcome. I cannot believe they are making you feel guilty about this. This is your decision  GL in standing up for yourself. Your comfort level is much more of a priority than making your IL's happy.

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  • Wow...you should remind them that this is not a football game, not just anyone can watch.

    Nurses make great gate keepers.

     

    image

  • Some families make a whole thing and include everyone and that is great.  But I would say the majority do not.

    I cannot believe they sat you down and put you in that position.  They should have talked to DH if that was their request. 

    You need to be 100% comfortable with everything going into labor.  It was really odd for them to bring this up now and get you upset so close to birth, making me think they would not be very helpful in the room.

    I have no idea why FIL would honestly want to be there.  If DH felt he wanted his mother or parents there, then why in the world did he wait this long to pull this card. 

    I understand it is a double standard but in this case I think if you want your mom there that is okay, it's toally different and I know he doesn't get that.

    I asked my mom to be there in the room with DS1 and she said no, ahahha.  She said it was a private moment between me and DH.  My sister was there for like an hour before she got bored and left, ahah.  They were kicking in the door once he was born, but the labor part they understood it was my decision and special to DH and I.

    Good luck dealing with that situation but you need to get on the same page with DH first, then let him handle his parents.  As far as your mom goes, I would give him full power to kick her out if he feels she is over stepping her boundaries in the delivery room. I think that is fair that she is there for support for you, but that he gets to be in charge of helping bring his child into the world. 

    For DS2 it was just the two of us and it was great : )



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  • imagemagnoliablossom00:
    I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I truly do not understand these posts. No one gets a "say" in your birth. No one. It is entirely up to you and dh. And speaking of your dh, he has NO IDEA how much pain you are about to be in, or he'd fully support your mother being there for support. My husband still says he will never forget feeling so helpless while I labored and how terrible he felt watching me cry out in pain my epi failed and there was no time for another, plus dd was sunny side up and got stuck in my pelvis. Anyway, tell him to quit being a dck and realize that your entire wooha is about to be ripped to shreds, so he needs to be quiet and do what is best for you! Tell your FIL to stop being creepy and wanting to see your vag get blown to smithereens. Ha. What a weirdo.Also, take all the time alone with the baby that you want. You will never get to meet your baby for the first time every again, so take your time and keep everyone away. Besides, do they even realize that you will be getting sewn up during that time? It took them TWO HOURS to sew me up after only a level 2 tear.nbsp;

    I absolutly LOVE this. You are so right couldn have said it better myself!
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  • "  Many facilities recommend/allow only 2 people present in the delivery room.  Talk with your doctor and then maybe tell your inlaws "my doctor prefers that only 2 people be present..my husband and my mom."  "

     

    This. I am having my husband and my mom in the delivery room with me. There's no way I want my dad, let alone my FIL in there with me! Even as much as I love my MIL, I think it would make me very uncomfortable to have her in there with me. I don't think you're being selfish at all!

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  • Your DH and your IL's are acting like children. Yes, my DH and I discussed who would be in the room with us but when I said I wanted my Mom he never once questioned it. And it's not that I don't absolutely love my IL's because I do. But my Mom gave birth to me and I really think she should be there with us. You need to have a serious conversation with your H. Hope it all works out...I'm sure you don't need this stress. 

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  • I skimmed thru the other replies and I think you got your answer...STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH!!! 

    And let me just add...the first thought that ran thru my mind when I saw this post was "Oh HELL no!!!"  We don't even allow anyone at the hospital until after delivery. 

    Good luck! 

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