Inconspicuous Title...

mrebecca · June 2012

Disclaimer: I may DD this, because DH browses this board occasionally, and I don't want to start more drama up in this house.

I posted a few weeks ago about how my DH is clearly depressed, and I was trying to convince him to get help.
He finally went to talk to the doctor provided by his company, and that doctor prescribed him a small dose of Zoloft.

In our conversation the night before he spoke with the doctor, he told me that when the house is cleaner, he isn't depressed.
So I agreed to try extra hard to keep the house cleaner, which I should probably do anyway (the cleanliness of the house is usually determined by how depressed I feel, and I've been a lot worse lately, so the house has been a little stinky).
He told me he didn't want to get the prescription filled immediately; he wanted to see if it would go away on its own with the house being cleaner.

But I know how depression can be a tricky little beggar, and it can go away for a few days, but then that hor comes right back and brings friends.
He felt better for a couple or four days, and thought he was cured.

Then he started feeling it again.
Now he says the thing that will cure him is if I get hired on at his company.
I agreed to check for jobs, and apply if one comes up that I could do.

Now, I am not above getting a job.
But here's how else I feel:
1. Abigail still nurses very frequently during the day. In the past, we agreed that I could SAH until she weans herself.
2. Abigail has some really bad food allergies. She is almost guaranteed to get something she doesn't need if she's at daycare. Daycare = my mom's home daycare, or MIL's house. Accidents happen.
I can avoid that 100% if she's here with me.
3. I have been teaching her all kinds of words and stuff. She can't get that kind of specialized attention with anybody else, because nobody else understands her baby words like I do, and nobody else knows what words we've been working on.
4. We're not hurting for money. We're making it and then some. We can afford food, clothes, shoes, etc., and we have no debt at all.

DH feels like life is a ticking time bomb. He's worried that something **might happen, and then we'd be out of the game, so to speak. His examples include the car possibly breaking down, a tree falling on the house, house fire, tornado, etc.
While that's entirely possible, it's also true that we have people who will take care of us in those cases. Nobody is 100% safe from those things.

But the thing that bothers me more than anything is that he isn't willing to try anything new, being medication or counseling, but he expects me to do anything in my power whether I want to or not to fix his depression.
I. Just. Can't. Do. That.

And I'm now very quickly approaching the end of my rope.

I've probably left a lot out, but I'll clarify anything if needed.
I was just hoping somebody could offer some outside perspective...
TIA.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

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ASmallWonder · June 2012

Intentionally or not, your DH seems to be manipulating you. I don't doubt that he has depression but he's taking no responsibility for it because all his "fixes" have to do with you. I wouldn't stand for that and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. IMO you need to have a come to Jesus talk with him about his willingness to take responsibility here. His doctor has given him a prescription so the least he can do is take it. Let him know that you're willing to work WITH him but you're not willing to take all the blame and responsibility. He's got to own what he can about this and not use it as a way to get what he wants, to the detriment of your mental health.

thisplaceisstupid · June 2012

OK, I didnt read all of this because I have a super short attention span. But "me depression is better when the house is cleaner" is BULLSHITS.You should slap that depression out of him with a broom.

That being said, Zoloft is great.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

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mrebecca · June 2012

thisplaceisstupid:
OK, I didnt read all of this because I have a super short attention span. But "me depression is better when the house is cleaner" is BULLSHITS.You should slap that depression out of him with a broom.
That being said, Zoloft is great.

No kidding, Zoloft rocks.
Do you think the broom trick will actually work, because I'll try it if there's a chance.
I'll need a higher dose of Zoloft if anything else happens!!

bnzwiebel · June 2012

From my personal recent experience I think he is definitively dealing with some depression and maybe even an anxiety disorder. I have struggled with these 2 my whole life and now that I am consistently taking medication and seeing a counselor every aspect of my life has improved, and so has my dh and dd's. Neither of you can do anything to "fix" the issue if it is caused by a chemical malfunction in his brain. If you ever want to talk feel free to pm me. Sending thoughts and prayers your way

thisplaceisstupid · June 2012

mrebecca:
No kidding, Zoloft rocks.
Do you think the broom trick will actually work, because I'll try it if there's a chance.
I'll need a higher dose of Zoloft if anything else happens!!

I hope things get better. Paradise

Venus04d · June 2012

Dude. He's really being unfair. Things YOU do can not cure him. If he's having anxiety over possible misfortune, that's something he should all to a professional about. If the house being a mess gets him down, you two should work as a TEAM to help clean it. I think you need to be honest with him about how you feel about returning to work. Reassure him that you will try to support him and help his recovery from depression, but that he has to be willing to make changes himself as well. He also can't discount your feelings in order to improve his own.

Sonadora · June 2012

He's projecting his issues onto you and that's not at all fair to you. He will never solve his problems by having you do x, y, and z. And is x is be a better housekeep, and y is you must get a job at his company, I don't really want to find out what z is...because he's manipulating you and it seems trying to keep you even closer under his thumb. (A job in his company? He browses the board? Not truly normal behaviors...)

ATMmom324 · June 2012

If a clean house makes him less depressed I suggest he get to cleaning.

judahsmommy1 · June 2012

Typing first then reading replies, so I'm sorry if this has already been said. He's making you responsible for something that is his responsibility. This is HIS health we're talking about. It sounds like he has some anxiety issues which naturally come along with depression. I think if this were me I would tell him that I would be open to talking about the pros and cons of me finding work once he's been on the medication for a few weeks. Until he's taking some responsibility for his health, all he's doing is dragging everyone on a roller coaster ride, and I'm just not going to play that game.

MrsSparklesMcGee · June 2012

Sorry, but I'm seeing big, flashing, blaring sirens when I read your post. I accept that he may be dealing with depression, but it also sounds like he is trying desperately to exert control over you. The control issue needs to be addressed immediately. Please read this: https://www.washingtonpost.com/whats-so-great-about-judgmental-guy-nothing/2012/06/08/gJQAESsPOV_story.html.

Kitiara5512 · June 2012

The only person who can fix him is him. Tell him that if being on the meds does not help, you will look into getting a job that YOU want, not one where he works.

FrickandFrack · June 2012

elmoali:
Intentionally or not, your DH seems to be manipulating you. I don't doubt that he has depression but he's taking no responsibility for it because all his "fixes" have to do with you. I wouldn't stand for that and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. IMO you need to have a come to Jesus talk with him about his willingness to take responsibility here. His doctor has given him a prescription so the least he can do is take it. Let him know that you're willing to work WITH him but you're not willing to take all the blame and responsibility. He's got to own what he can about this and not use it as a way to get what he wants, to the detriment of your mental health.

This completely.

ASmallWonder · June 2012

I just went back and re-read your post and caught something I didn't see before. I could be way off base here but can you elaborate on why he's specifically asking you to get a job where HE works? Besides everything else that's going on, that seems very big brother to me and I'm wondering if there's more to this than you're letting on. If there's a perfectly legit reason for his request, fine. If not, do some soul searching because that's not a normal request.

mrebecca · June 2012

elmoali:
I just went back and re-read your post and caught something I didn't see before. I could be way off base here but can you elaborate on why he's specifically asking you to get a job where HE works? Besides everything else that's going on, that seems very big brother to me and I'm wondering if there's more to this than you're letting on. If there's a perfectly legit reason for his request, fine. If not, do some soul searching because that's not a normal request.

We still only have one car, otherwise I'd definitely be big time worried.

Heather R · June 2012

I would think that the house-clean--happy connection is more ocd than depression. But I'm no expert. It could also be that he is manipulating you to take on traditional gender roles.

rabstbmom · June 2012

Honey, I work for an agency that helps domestic violence victims, and while I don't provide direct client services, I've heard enough stories over the years. I generally would not be so blunt on a message board, but I'm going to lay it on the line for you. These are HUGE red flags!! There might not be any physical, verbal, or even emotional abuse, YET, but note the size of that "yet."

His "depression" being linked to how clean the house totally sets you up for him to find fault with you. "Well, if you would have done the dishes/laundry/dusted the house yesterday, I wouldn't be so miserable today. IT'S YOUR FAULT."

Now, you getting a job, would maybe be understandable if money is tight and he's feeling pressure as the sole income provider. But the job doesn't need to be at his place of employment. The only reason he's insisting on that, or doing things like reading the message boards, is so he can keep tabs on you. (Not sure of your financial situation, so I hesitate to say that's the reason you have one car, too, but it did cross my mind.)

He's manipulating plain and simple. This might not seem like much now, but he is totally poised to make his misery all your fault and sounds like he is trying to start exerting control over you in ways that are classic signs of abuse.

Like I said, I wouldn't normally speak so bluntly, but reading this just made my skin crawl and I would recommend calling a local DV agency BEFORE the situation gets worse. If you're not sure where to turn locally, the National Domestic Violence hotline # 1-800-799-7233.

RayRay007 · June 2012

SookieFrackhouse68:

Dude, your keeping the house clean and getting a job at his company will not "cure" him. Professional help will.

Having a cleaner house can certainly lessen anxiety, but he is putting a lot on you, as if "well if you did this and that, I'd be happier." This is unfair. It is not your job to fix his anxiety and depression. It is his.

He needs to try the medication and stop seeking "quick fixes."

And he can certainly help with housework if he is discontent with the state of the house. That's what I do when I don't like something. I change it. Myself.

GL, this is certainly not easy.

It's nice that you are trying to make your H happy, but I agree with Sookie. He shouldn't be putting it all on you. He needs to help himself get happy too.

RayRay007 · June 2012

Remembering back to some of your other posts, you should seriously consider the advice re. emotional abuse and manipulation. If I remember correctly, didn't he refuse to fix your other vehicle forever even though you needed it?

[Deleted User] · June 2012

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synchrosally · June 2012

Your DH isn't taking responsibility for his own issues. You keeping the house clean of getting a job will not help his depression. Depression is a chemical imbalance usually combined with distorted thinking. He needs medication and counseling. There is very little you can do to "cure" his depression. I feel like he is intentionally or unintentionally manipulating you. Be very careful with this situation.

mrebecca · June 2012

rabstbmom:
Honey, I work for an agency that helps domestic violence victims, and while I don't provide direct client services, I've heard enough stories over the years. I generally would not be so blunt on a message board, but I'm going to lay it on the line for you. These are HUGE red flags!! There might not be any physical, verbal, or even emotional abuse, YET, but note the size of that "yet."
His "depression" being linked to how clean the house totally sets you up for him to find fault with you. "Well, if you would have done the dishes/laundry/dusted the house yesterday, I wouldn't be so miserable today. IT'S YOUR FAULT."
Now, you getting a job, would maybe be understandable if money is tight and he's feeling pressure as the sole income provider. But the job doesn't need to be at his place of employment. The only reason he's insisting on that, or doing things like reading the message boards, is so he can keep tabs on you. (Not sure of your financial situation, so I hesitate to say that's the reason you have one car, too, but it did cross my mind.)
He's manipulating plain and simple. This might not seem like much now, but he is totally poised to make his misery all your fault and sounds like he is trying to start exerting control over you in ways that are classic signs of abuse.
Like I said, I wouldn't normally speak so bluntly, but reading this just made my skin crawl and I would recommend calling a local DV agency BEFORE the situation gets worse. If you're not sure where to turn locally, the National Domestic Violence hotline # 1-800-799-7233.

My last relationship was very abusive.
I thought that I knew how to spot red flags, but none of this felt wrong until I read all these responses (thanks, btw).

Now I can think back on things that have happened that should have been red flags.
He won't get my truck fixed, but even when it was running, he complained when I went places, and he required that I call him every time I get somewhere or when I left somewhere. I thought he was just caring.

I was going to do online classes a while back, and finally get my associates.
I was totally signed up and everything, and they were going to mail my books in the next day or two.
He made me email them and cancel.

Am I letting him walk over me?
I thought I was just being respectful/good wife/whatever.
Where is the line??

He works all day, and I don't, so shouldn't I be solely responsible for cleaning, cooking, and all that jazz.

Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve a say in money matters because I don't bring in any income.
Do all SAHMs feel like that?

Gah!! I'm so confused. I feel so blind.

mrebecca · June 2012

SookieFrackhouse68:
RayRay007:

Remembering back to some of your other posts, you should seriously consider the advice re. emotional abuse and manipulation. If I remember correctly, didn't he refuse to fix your other vehicle forever even though you needed it?

Is this why you only have one car?

I had to quit college because he never took my truck to get fixed.
Now I'm no longer eligible for financial aid, because I had to quit.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

I agree SO much with what everyone is telling you. Also, you had posted about TTC right now. Please put those plans on hold until you get some resolve with your situation. That's just so much stress to add right now. Big gigantic hugs to you though.

mrebecca · June 2012

sofamonkey:
I agree SO much with what everyone is telling you. Also, you had posted about TTC right now. Please put those plans on hold until you get some resolve with your situation. That's just so much stress to add right now. Big gigantic hugs to you though.

Thank you, those plans are definitely on hold for a while now.

HElizabethDU · June 2012

Sorry to say but it sounds like your DH is blaming his problems on you. If the house is dirty and he doesn't like it then he needs to help. If he thinks money is an issue there are other ways besides you going to work to fix that in some cases. He needs to address his own issues ith a professional and or maybe go to couples counciling so that he can see what he is doing to you.

write2nicole · June 2012

mrebecca:

I thought that I knew how to spot red flags, but none of this felt wrong until I read all these responses (thanks, btw).

Now I can think back on things that have happened that should have been red flags.
...
Am I letting him walk over me?
I thought I was just being respectful/good wife/whatever.
Where is the line??

The answer to your questions is above. When you read these responses, it resonated with you. Not even, "No, he would never do that!" Just, "Yeah, now that I think of it..."

Don't feel bad that you didn't spot it earlier. Remember, manipulative/controlling people are very good at it. They know you can't control someone by showing up and telling them what to do. You have to start slow, work up gradually. And you have to make it sound like you're not controlling, just being reasonable and even caring for the other person.

But now you have to decide what you are going to do about it.

P.S. My initial thought was, after you clean the house and work with him, what will be the next "cure" for his depression? Because there will be something else for you to do to make him happy. And something after that, too.

ASmallWonder · June 2012

mrebecca:
rabstbmom:

Honey, I work for an agency that helps domestic violence victims, and while I don't provide direct client services, I've heard enough stories over the years. I generally would not be so blunt on a message board, but I'm going to lay it on the line for you. These are HUGE red flags!! There might not be any physical, verbal, or even emotional abuse, YET, but note the size of that "yet."

His "depression" being linked to how clean the house totally sets you up for him to find fault with you. "Well, if you would have done the dishes/laundry/dusted the house yesterday, I wouldn't be so miserable today. IT'S YOUR FAULT."

Now, you getting a job, would maybe be understandable if money is tight and he's feeling pressure as the sole income provider. But the job doesn't need to be at his place of employment. The only reason he's insisting on that, or doing things like reading the message boards, is so he can keep tabs on you. (Not sure of your financial situation, so I hesitate to say that's the reason you have one car, too, but it did cross my mind.)

He's manipulating plain and simple. This might not seem like much now, but he is totally poised to make his misery all your fault and sounds like he is trying to start exerting control over you in ways that are classic signs of abuse.

Like I said, I wouldn't normally speak so bluntly, but reading this just made my skin crawl and I would recommend calling a local DV agency BEFORE the situation gets worse. If you're not sure where to turn locally, the National Domestic Violence hotline # 1-800-799-7233.

My last relationship was very abusive.
I thought that I knew how to spot red flags, but none of this felt wrong until I read all these responses (thanks, btw).

Now I can think back on things that have happened that should have been red flags.
He won't get my truck fixed, but even when it was running, he complained when I went places, and he required that I call him every time I get somewhere or when I left somewhere. I thought he was just caring.

I was going to do online classes a while back, and finally get my associates.
I was totally signed up and everything, and they were going to mail my books in the next day or two.
He made me email them and cancel.

Am I letting him walk over me?
I thought I was just being respectful/good wife/whatever.
Where is the line??

He works all day, and I don't, so shouldn't I be solely responsible for cleaning, cooking, and all that jazz.

Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve a say in money matters because I don't bring in any income.
Do all SAHMs feel like that?

Gah!! I'm so confused. I feel so blind.

Hon, this is getting worse the more I read. I was hoping I was reading into something where I just didn't have all the pieces. These last two parts of him not fixing your car and making you drop out of school sealed the deal for me. You need to get help for yourself. This is a bad situation just waiting to get worse.

synchrosally · June 2012

elmoali:
mrebecca:
rabstbmom:

Honey, I work for an agency that helps domestic violence victims, and while I don't provide direct client services, I've heard enough stories over the years. I generally would not be so blunt on a message board, but I'm going to lay it on the line for you. These are HUGE red flags!! There might not be any physical, verbal, or even emotional abuse, YET, but note the size of that "yet."

His "depression" being linked to how clean the house totally sets you up for him to find fault with you. "Well, if you would have done the dishes/laundry/dusted the house yesterday, I wouldn't be so miserable today. IT'S YOUR FAULT."

Now, you getting a job, would maybe be understandable if money is tight and he's feeling pressure as the sole income provider. But the job doesn't need to be at his place of employment. The only reason he's insisting on that, or doing things like reading the message boards, is so he can keep tabs on you. (Not sure of your financial situation, so I hesitate to say that's the reason you have one car, too, but it did cross my mind.)

He's manipulating plain and simple. This might not seem like much now, but he is totally poised to make his misery all your fault and sounds like he is trying to start exerting control over you in ways that are classic signs of abuse.

Like I said, I wouldn't normally speak so bluntly, but reading this just made my skin crawl and I would recommend calling a local DV agency BEFORE the situation gets worse. If you're not sure where to turn locally, the National Domestic Violence hotline # 1-800-799-7233.

My last relationship was very abusive.
I thought that I knew how to spot red flags, but none of this felt wrong until I read all these responses (thanks, btw).

Now I can think back on things that have happened that should have been red flags.
He won't get my truck fixed, but even when it was running, he complained when I went places, and he required that I call him every time I get somewhere or when I left somewhere. I thought he was just caring.

I was going to do online classes a while back, and finally get my associates.
I was totally signed up and everything, and they were going to mail my books in the next day or two.
He made me email them and cancel.

Am I letting him walk over me?
I thought I was just being respectful/good wife/whatever.
Where is the line??

He works all day, and I don't, so shouldn't I be solely responsible for cleaning, cooking, and all that jazz.

Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve a say in money matters because I don't bring in any income.
Do all SAHMs feel like that?

Gah!! I'm so confused. I feel so blind.

Hon, this is getting worse the more I read. I was hoping I was reading into something where I just didn't have all the pieces. These last two parts of him not fixing your car and making you drop out of school sealed the deal for me. You need to get help for yourself. This is a bad situation just waiting to get worse.

I agree. This scares me even more. Please take care of yourself.

bridetobe920 · June 2012

I am not a SAHM, but I assume you decided (together) that it was best for your family that you do (for whatever reason...money, logistics, etc.). The reason does not matter, what matters is that you guys made the choice based on what you thought was best for your family.

Having said that, in my opinion, you have just as much say as he does. The fact that he goes to work and you don't, shouldn't negate your right to be a partner in your marriage. Being a partner means sharing responsibilities, working together on making decisions for your family, etc.

I am sad to hear that you think just because he makes the money, and you don't, you think you shouldn't have an equal voice in your marriage.

I hope I am not out of line as a working mom, but I definitely think there are some major red flags here, and I think you have gotten great advice so far from the other women on the board.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

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RayRay007 · June 2012

OP, I know this must be upsetting and confusing. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I hope you and your DH can work through it.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

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[Deleted User] · June 2012

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[Deleted User] · June 2012

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mrebecca · June 2012

CTGirl30:
I also have a vague recollection of you posting something awhile back (this had to be months ago) of how he was very rough with you physically during "foreplay" - am I correct that you are the person who posted about this?

Yep, that was me. All healed up now.
Thanks everybody for the responses and advice.
I have a long road ahead of me, I think, and I have a lot to think about.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

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mrebecca · June 2012

CTGirl30:
SookieFrackhouse68:
RayRay007:

OP, I know this must be upsetting and confusing. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I hope you and your DH can work through it.

This. I am sure you're feeling overwhelmed by the replies, but we are only working with the limited info we have. No one's marriage is perfect, but it's uncool that he is seemingly trying to control all aspects of your life.

This. I was reading some of your previous posts and I saw that he mocked your PPD concerns when your DD was younger...he was even hesitant about buying a stroller (that you had to ask him for) so you could take the baby and walk up and down the road to get out of the house. This all makes me really sad for you - I am imagining you being homebound, essentially, with a small child and how challenging that has to be. There was more in your other posts, too - about he took the last of your money to fix something on one of the cars he was working on or something. Does he ever allow you to have your own money? Or does he control that, too?

Yeah, he controls that too. I mean, when I went out, I'd ask for x amount, and he'd give it to me.
I have $10 in my purse right now.
I've never wondered why it works like that...
Now it doesn't feel right.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

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