Inconspicuous Title...

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

numeria11

EllaHella:

We are here for you. 

Can I suggest asking TB for a namechange and not using a siggy?  This will allow you some privacy from him so you can continue to lean on the board for support.

We can be *** to each other but we can also rally around and support like no one's business.

Well said Ella and becca please do consider the name change/no siggy suggestion, it sounds like it would be a small start to breaking some of his control over you.

robinsokj

You need to get a job so you can get out. 

A job NOT at his job

rabstbmom

mrebecca:

rabstbmom:

Honey, I work for an agency that helps domestic violence victims, and while I don't provide direct client services, I've heard enough stories over the years. I generally would not be so blunt on a message board, but I'm going to lay it on the line for you. These are HUGE red flags!! There might not be any physical, verbal, or even emotional abuse, YET, but note the size of that "yet."

His "depression" being linked to how clean the house totally sets you up for him to find fault with you. "Well, if you would have done the dishes/laundry/dusted the house yesterday, I wouldn't be so miserable today. IT'S YOUR FAULT."

Now, you getting a job, would maybe be understandable if money is tight and he's feeling pressure as the sole income provider. But the job doesn't need to be at his place of employment. The only reason he's insisting on that, or doing things like reading the message boards, is so he can keep tabs on you. (Not sure of your financial situation, so I hesitate to say that's the reason you have one car, too, but it did cross my mind.)

He's manipulating plain and simple. This might not seem like much now, but he is totally poised to make his misery all your fault and sounds like he is trying to start exerting control over you in ways that are classic signs of abuse.

Like I said, I wouldn't normally speak so bluntly, but reading this just made my skin crawl and I would recommend calling a local DV agency BEFORE the situation gets worse. If you're not sure where to turn locally, the National Domestic Violence hotline # 1-800-799-7233.

My last relationship was very abusive.
I thought that I knew how to spot red flags, but none of this felt wrong until I read all these responses (thanks, btw).

Now I can think back on things that have happened that should have been red flags.
He won't get my truck fixed, but even when it was running, he complained when I went places, and he required that I call him every time I get somewhere or when I left somewhere. I thought he was just caring.

I was going to do online classes a while back, and finally get my associates. 
I was totally signed up and everything, and they were going to mail my books in the next day or two.
He made me email them and cancel.

Am I letting him walk over me?
I thought I was just being respectful/good wife/whatever.
Where is the line??

He works all day, and I don't, so shouldn't I be solely responsible for cleaning, cooking, and all that jazz.

Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve a say in money matters because I don't bring in any income.
Do all SAHMs feel like that?

Gah!! I'm so confused. I feel so blind.

Don't blame yourself. It's not uncommon to feel like you know what to watch out for and then still find yourself getting sucked in. Like one of the other posters said, they know they can't just control you in the blink of an eye. It happens so gradually that it's natural to second-guess yourself and wonder if your take on the situation is right or normal or not.

And honestly, I understand where you're coming from re: not feeling like you have a say in the money matters. Personally, I would probably feel the same way if I were a SAHM, which is why I've always told my husband that, even if we could afford for me to stay home, I personally would feel like I'd have to work at least part-time.

But I have friends and family members who are or have been SAHMs and I don't think they feel that way. Building on what another poster said, it's one thing if you come to that decision together because you decide it's what best for your family, but a totally different story if you're staying home b/c he's not letting you work or go to school, or dictating where you can work.

littlemac1117

numeria11:

EllaHella:

We are here for you. 

Can I suggest asking TB for a namechange and not using a siggy?  This will allow you some privacy from him so you can continue to lean on the board for support.

We can be *** to each other but we can also rally around and support like no one's business.

Well said Ella and becca please do consider the name change/no siggy suggestion, it sounds like it would be a small start to breaking some of his control over you.

  We got your back.

Man, this has all made me so sad.

OP, what is your family like? Do you have family around that maybe you could hang with?

IrishEyes0530

Um, he needs to fill that mother flucking prescription. And if he doesn't, or it doesn't get better, you need to do what's best for you which could possibly be leaving. GL and I'm sorry you are dealing with this!

hmp1

I didn't read the responses.

I would get on board with keeping the house cleaner in an attempt to show him you are trying to help, but that is all I would do until he starts taking his doctor's advice and take the pills. I would not change your child care set up and start working at his company on a hunch from him that it will help. 

Also, not sure how big his company is but I could not work with DH. Does he want you there so he can keep an eye on you, like how you said he reads this board? 

littlemac1117

hmp&mrj:

I didn't read the responses.

I would get on board with keeping the house cleaner in an attempt to show him you are trying to help, but that is all I would do until he starts taking his doctor's advice and take the pills. I would not change your child care set up and start working at his company on a hunch from him that it will help. 

Also, not sure how big his company is but I could not work with DH. Does he want you there so he can keep an eye on you, like how you said he reads this board? 

There is a whole lot going on, I'd just read the whole thread.

3003girl

You need to, at the very least, go to couples counseling and I would suggest some individual counseling for yourself. 

You don't need DH's permission to do it, and it will help you sort things out. I would imagine all of this is very overwhelming and I wouldn't want to handle it on my own. 

 

hmp1

Ok, I caught up. Wow. You have received a lot of advice so I will leave you to working it out. I would say that maybe you should look into getting a job (not at his company) so you can support yourself and leave if/when it comes to that.

RedWingsFan

OP - I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

I agree that your H sounds controling/manipulative and you really need to be cautious of that.  You should not be "locked" in your house, so to speak and kept on a strict budget.

Why couldn't you take the online courses?

If you have enough money, why can't you get a second car so you and your DD can get out of the house every once in awhile?

I would really talk with him and insist that he take the medication - maybe that will help?

Hugs.

purplecrayon

I have nothing to add that the other women haven't said except that I'm in tears for you right now.  I can't imagine how difficult all of this must be but you really do need to seek professional help for you & your DD.  Your DH is displaying a lot of very large red flags, whether they stem from a mental disorder or not.  Please take the advice of these women & get some professional help.

Kitiara5512

Just got done with the other posts. I don't know you from before this board so didn't know you and YH had already had problems. I am going to jump on the abuse bandwagon and highly encourage you to get counselling. There is absolutely no reason you should be that cut off from the world, and the only thing I do recognize about abusers is that is a common tactic, to get it so he is the only one you come in contact with and can rely on. THE DUDE SPIES ON YOU ON YOUR MOMMY BOARD.

littlemac1117

OP- Just wanted to say one more time that we're here for you. I know you and I have never talked before, but if you ever just want to talk or vent or whatever, you can feel free to PM me. I have never been in a situation like the one you are in but I'll do my best to offer whatever advice I can. I just can't stop thinking about this, and I want you to be able to help yourself and your DD (and your DH, or course, if that is what you want.) Good luck and know you aren't alone!

mrebecca

Thanks to all yall.
DH called. He's finally getting his prescription filled. He'll be home with it in a little while.
I've sent a few emails to find out if my church provides couples counseling.
So, we'll see.
If he doesn't want to go, I still plan to find a way.
My dad would have no trouble taking me.
I really really appreciate the support. I really don't have anybody else to turn to. 

sleepingbeauty825

Listen to these women. They are giving you excellent advice and drawing from life experience. Good luck to you, OP.

Kitiara5512

mrebecca:

Thanks to all yall.
DH called. He's finally getting his prescription filled. He'll be home with it in a little while.
I've sent a few emails to find out if my church provides couples counseling.
So, we'll see.
If he doesn't want to go, I still plan to find a way.
My dad would have no trouble taking me.
I really really appreciate the support. I really don't have anybody else to turn to. 

You will always have us to turn to.

And try the Parenting board, since some of us moved. He may not know to look for you there.

TunaTown

please find a way to get out.

I read the links inside this thread and have such a bad feeling....liked, scenes from the moving The Burning Bed kind of bad feeling.

Please call the hotline that was provided. They will help you figure this out.

I know it's overwhelming and scarry.

But please. It's not just about you. It's about your daughter thinking that this is a way that a man should treat a woman.

GL.

megzway

Please take the advice given. It is all very sound. I agree that everything you've said are red flags for potential disaster later on. Best of luck, will be thinking of you & your LO.