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3rd Trimester
MIL is not respecting my labor plans
I am more than a little angry about my recent interactions with my MIL. I asked that no one be sitting around the hospital when I am in labor. I dont want anyone but my mom and husband in the room with me and asked that everyone else wait to go to the hospital till after baby is born. I don't want the stress of knowing others are waiting on me to have the baby while I am in labor and felt this was a small thing to ask! Everyone is welcome to visit AFTER she is born.
After I told this to my MIL she immediately went crying to my husband (who is a complete mama's boy) and he told her it was fine for her to come and wait even though it was clearly not what I wanted. He promises not to leave my bedside to visit with them in the lobby and says he won't even mention they are out there to help elivate the stress. But seriously is that realistic? Why is it so hard to just wait for the call that she is born before heading over? Why are people ignoring my wishes on this? ITS MY CALL TO MAKE SINCE I AM THE ONE HAVING THE BABY SO PEOPLE NEED TO JUST RESPECT MY WISHES!
It might not seem like a big deal but it is stressing me out that my MIL is getting her way on this when I am not asking for much and it should be me who gets to to make the call. I don't want to worry about having her and my husband's step dad out in the lobby. I think its so rude that she knows how I feel and chooses to ignore it anyway. This is not about you lady - its about what I am going through and what would make the day easier for me. GRRRR.....
This discussion has been closed.
Re: MIL is not respecting my labor plans
This drives me crazy. What exactly do people think they are going to be able to do in the waiting room? What if (and I don't wish this on you) you're in labor for 20 hours.
If she wants to sit there and be bored, I say it serves her right. If you have any sway with your husband at all (and in your condition, you should) I would ask him to "forget to call due to all of the excitement" and just let your MIL know when LO arrives. Problem solved - she won't even know she's waiting.
Burned by the Bear
There are times I'm glad our families live out of state! One thing - do you think she is having a hard time with this b/c you're allowing your mom to be in the room, but she can't even be in the waiting room? I'm big on trying to be equal between my parents and DH's parents - and while I agree with not wanting a MIL in during deliver (b/c I wouldn't even be comfortable with my own mom in the room and it's your choice who sees you like that!), I otherwise would try to make things as equal as I can between the grandparents so that there are no hurt feelings.
But, I do not know your MIL, and mine is completely reasonable so I don't have these issues!
Posting from an Android sorry for any errors
When you are in labor, you won't be concerned about who is in the waiting room. Honestly, she will be the furthest from your mind.
WHy do you care so much if she is in the building or not? She's excited about the baby. Seems to me that she is respectful enough that she's not in the room. You know she wants to be but is accepting that you just want your mom.
Seriously, I would let this go. She's an excited grandmother to be. You get to decide WHEN she gets to come and meet the baby. What she does or where she is while she is waiting - who the hell cares?
Seems to me your DH wants his mom there - just like you want yours - and no one is treading into your personal space or being disrespectful to you. You are just being difficult. I promise you that her being in the waiting room will have no effect on your labor or delivery at all.
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
I have to imagine that she's very excited. The bottom line is that you have made your wishes clear and she is aware. Now, honestly, you can't control who waits in the waiting room. Tell her to bring a book and if she insists on being there, that she could be waiting a long while because rushing for her is not on your to-do-list.
I say let her wait. As long as your husband and Mom have no intention of leaving your side to ease her wait, then I say you're all set.
I know you're frustrated because you feel like they aren't listening to you and you know what lies ahead and are stressed enough....but for the sake of your sanity, your husband's sanity and possibly your relationship with your MIL, try to see it from her POV....just a little bit. The worst she's doing is camping out at the hospital and I have to imagine that her feelings may be a little tinged because she knows already under no uncertain terms that you don't want her there.
I actually know how you feel in a way... My problem with my MIL is that she makes plans before even running them by me. Either way it is your choice but I do not see an issue with her being in the waiting room.
My husband and I have decided to take 1 hour after baby is born and just spend it with my son husband and myself. That way we can calm down from all of the excitement etc. and be prepared for visitors. I feel like perhaps your concern is her bombarding you after your baby is born so if that is correct you should try and make a plan similar to mine to alleviate some of that worry. Sorry if I am way off but this is what I've gathered from your post. good luck to you
and remember she is just an excited grandma to be 
I can see both ways. When I had DD, DH and MIL were there (my mom has passed away), but I really didn't want anyone else else there because of the idea I don't want to know people are there and feel obligated to rush my alone time with DH and our new baby so people could come see her. We made the mistake of updating a very close friend when I was starting to push, and she knew I didn't want anyone at the hospital until after DD was born. Well, she showed up, but I didn't see her for another 4+hours after that. I felt awful she sad around even though it was her own fault for coming so early, but I ended up feeling rushed to visit with her, which is exactly what I didn't want!
But that was a close friend, not my MIL. Yes, this is your DH's baby too, and while you are the one having the baby, your mothers should be treated more fairly. The knowledge that your mom will be there and get to see baby right away, but MIL must wait a lot longer is pretty unfair. I think you do need to get over it and allow MIL to sit in the lobby, as long as she wants.
My mean side even wants to postpone the announcement so she has a longer wait and possibly regrets the trip but like I said...I probably won't give her two thoughts.
I think you're being a little hard on your MIL. It's not like she's trying to force her way into the delivery room and honestly, you're not going to know she's there. You'll be otherwise occupied
DH's very large family and my mom (she's flying in from out of state) will be in the waiting room when I deliver. I agree that it's ridiculous for them to wait for hours, but they all waited together for LO's cousins and it's a special family event for them. Because we don't know the gender, it's DH's big moment to walk into the waiting room after LO is born and announce "it's a ---!"
My mom will be invited into the delivery room (if I still want her to, she knows that I might not feel like her coming in at that point) for the pushing so she can see the baby be born. That's our special family memory. DH deserves a special family memory of his own.
Maybe that's why your DH caved? He wants to be able to walk out and hug his mom and tell her that you and baby are fine and all that. It's a pretty big moment for a man and his family is excited. Can you really blame them?
Lurking...but all of this. I kind of get the sense that you think it is all about you, but it isn't. It's about your DH to, and if he wants his mother to be in the waiting room, then so be it. Atleast she is not in the delivery room like my MIL has been for both of my children because my DH wanted her there for him during the entire process.
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter
"><a href="http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"><img border="0" src="http://tickers.myfitnesspal.com/ticker/show/825/1820/8251820.png" /></a><p style="text-align:center;width:420px;"><small>Created by MyFitnessPal - Free <a href="http://www.myfitnesspal.com">Calorie Counter</a></small></p>As a MIL, she's already playing second string to your mom. I would guess that she wants to feel a bit more special than the rest of the friends/family you'll be calling after the baby is born, and would like to have the first opportunity to meet her grandchild after your mother and husband.
Just as it's your right to not want her in the waiting room, it's her right to be one of the first to see her son's new baby.
I think you'll be much too busy to worry about who's waiting around for you. Hell, you might even WANT a few minutes where your husband gets out of your face and visits him mom in the waiting room. Play it by ear!
This. I call everyone after the baby is born. Some we just send an e-mail.
You sound like a brat. Not be harsh but it's true. You keep saying it's all about you so I would hate to be your husband. Poor guy. It's not about him at all? Your mom can be in the room but your MIL can't even be in the building? Do you own the building too? Is the whole building supposed to attend to your needs too? WOW!
ditto this. how would you feel if your husband said he forbid your mom from being there? IMO it's just as much his call as yours, and it' obvious he wants his mom there. it's his baby too and it's just as important for him to have support there. as long as she's in the waiting room i don't see the issue.
this. i just say let her wait in the waiting room ... if she really wants to wait in there for 15 hours so be it. she'll probably get tired and go home.
This is exactly what we are doing. We have a very invasive family with no respect to boundaries and I want time with just me and my DH after the baby is born. I know if I knew people were waiting at the hospital I would feel anxious like I needed to let them come visit.
In an effort not to hurt anyone's feelings DH is going to call my parents and his when I am about to start pushing and tell people that I am "At the hospital and in labor"...and not give any details about how long I've been there etc and he'll tell them that we'll call after the baby is born...and then call them after we've had an hour or so to bond with baby on our own. I simply don't trust our families not to barge in and invade our space.
+1 for this. I think you are being realy rude to your DH on this issue. What puts your mom above his?
This. I don't see what the big deal is either. It's not like she'd be there bothering you. I think if your parents are allowed to be there his parents should be too. It's their grandchild too. If they want to wait I would let them. It's just weird to me that they can't even be in the hospital.
If you don't have another DC that you need someone to look after, then I wouldn't even call anyone.
If they don't know you are labor, they can't wait in the waiting room
Hi,
With our 1st baby, we only had me & DH in the room. My Mom waited down the hall. After the baby was born, my Mom came in and phone calls were made. People were allowed to visit. Bad idea...I was exhausted and family didn't leave until after 11pm and then the baby was up all night. My hospital makes the babies room in with the moms.
2nd baby, me and DH in the room. My mom was watching our 1st child. Dh's parents showed up right after I delivered and were trying to come in my room. THEY WERE LITERALLY STILL CLEANING ME UP & I HADN'T HELD THE BABY YET, except for the brief few moments they placed her on my tummy after birth.
3rd baby, we told EVERYONE please don't visit until we get home because I wanted to rest at the hospital. Especially with a newborn + and 20 month old and a 3 year old at home.
This baby (I'm due 10/30) I told DH I didn't know if I even want him there! He was no help last time and the nurses refered to him as "sleeping beauty" b/c he was napping the entire time! Granted, I did wake him up at 3:30am b/c of labor. Seriously, he can come, but everyone else has to wait as for my own sanity, I REFUSE to allow visitors. You will be trying to sleep with a newborn and the nurses are in every 10 min.s checking your vitals or the baby's. Plus, I was always nausious (SP) for the next 24 hours and not in the mood to entertain. The baby will be just as cute at home...maybe even cuter b/c they will look a little less like an old person by the time you get home anyway!
That's just been my experiences...Good luck!
+2
AFA respect goes... you sound like the one not being respectful, IMO. Yes, it's you having the baby. You are certainly entitled to decide who you'd like in the room when the baby is born. But really, try to put yourself in MIL's shoes: your grandchild is about to be born. Your daughter in law is not only having the baby's other grandmother present for the birth, but she wants to actually ban you from the entire hospital. That's pretty harsh, don't you think? Also think about your DH and how that must make him feel - like his family isn't as important as yours is in this process. I totally understand not wanting MIL in the actual delivery room, but c'mon. Not even letting her be there shortly after the baby is born? That's just obnoxious, IMO.
I've had two babies so far, about to have my 3rd, and I honestly don't see the big problem with someone being in the waiting room. They're excited - be glad they care enough to want to be there! There's no reason to "worry" about them, just leave it alone. Obviously I'd request that no one come in the room until you're decent and such, but give them a chance to see the baby. They're super excited and just can't wait to meet your LO! That's an awesome thing, don't undervalue it.
THIS! You have to make sure, however, that your DH doesn't call her either.
This. Just flat out don't call her until you've had your lo. My dh wanted us to be the only ones in the room when we had our dd. My mom made it known that she would like to drive up when I was in labor (she lived 2 hours away) so we just didn't call ANYONE until after we had her and by then, it was late in the evening so she didn't come until the next day. When/if you have a second child, your MIL can be the person to watch your older child. Hugs
I agree with STL-ish. Work on your hubby the next few weeks and get him not to call his Mom. Then he dosen't have to stand up to her but your wishes are still be followed.
Best of luck to you. I won't be having either MIL or Mother anywhere near the hospital. We've decided we're not calling anyone... labor starts & phones are off!
The labor process is yours, so not having her in the room with you is one thing, but the baby is yours and your husbands, so you have to bend. Like others have said, MIL in the waiting room will be the LAST thing on your mind.
I know how it is dealing with ILs who are super involved and excited, and it CAN be frustrating, but throw her a bone. You won't even know she's there.
This is coming from someone who is STUBBORN AS HECK when it comes to boundaries for my labor/LO!
OP, recently I was in your situation. I didn't want a soul at the hospital waiting. I wanted it to be just me and DH, and we'd call after the baby came. DH was semi-ok with it, but he really wanted to have a crowd of people to go announce the sex to when the baby came.
My therapist and I spent a session evaluating why I was so adament against all the people. It took some searching, some hard thoughts, but I finally figured it out. And turns out, the issue was completely about me. So, now I've agreed to let people come to the hospital if they choose- with the understanding that they are not allowed to come back while I'm in labor or after the baby comes until I'm ready for them. If that means they sit out there for 12 hours, that is their problem, not mine. I won't even bother thinking about it.
This exactly
I can completely sympathize with you but in my case my husband agreed with me. Whether it's fair or not, my husband and I didn't want anyone at the hospital waiting for our first baby. We told everyone that we would let them know when it was okay to come see the baby but we didn't want anyone at the hospital with us and we wanted to be alone with our baby after she was born. My mother in law was extremely upset that she wasn't invited to see her being born let alone wait in the waiting room. But in the end, she got over it and she survived having to wait at home for the news in the comfort of her own home rather than the hospital waiting room. The bottom line is a pregnant woman should be allowed to choose the situation that she's most comfortable with for giving birth. There's plenty of time after the baby arrives to enjoy being a grand parent.
But to be perfectly honest, I don't think I would have noticed or realized they were in the waiting room if they had been there.