- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
3rd Trimester
MIL is not respecting my labor plans
This discussion has been closed.
Re: MIL is not respecting my labor plans
Not to be a downer but, I think that if your MIL wants to wait in the waiting room that's her choice. You can not control something like that.
If she wanted to come in the room with you, your husband and Mom, that's a different story and you have every right to say no but, that's not the case.
Your MIL also may feel as if she is not being included on such a special occasion and hurt that your Mother is allowed in but she isn't. This is her grandchild too and I think she has every right to wait in the waiting room.
I wouldn't say she sounds like a brat if she cannot stand her MIL. Just because she is her DH's mother does not make her entitled to be there.
Honestly, I won't even let my MIL know they can come visit until we've been home with baby #2 for a while. But DH and I both have issues with his parents because they have no idea of boundaries, including opening our mail, trying to contact our bank to find out how much we have in there, and various other things. Seems like her DH's relationship with his mom is different from my DH's though.
I really don't want a bunch of people in the waiting room, either. It's not because I am so controlling I don't think they should be in the building or something, but I am worried that as soon as they find out the baby is born, they will be trying to get back to the room. If they aren't allowed back, most of my family will start repeatedly calling and texting us to come back. I'm pretty sure that they will be bugging us nonstop even if they aren't in the waiting room, though!
Everyone at my hospital has said that they don't allow any visitors back for at least 2 hours anyway for recovery time and to allow mom, dad and baby an hour of quiet time together. I'm making sure everyone knows that so if they do wait, they will be patient!
Yeah I agree with you here. She is probably feeling offended that your mom gets to be IN the room, and she doesn't even get to be at the hospital. And I think it's a little dumb that she isn't respecting your wishes, but I do get where she is coming from as far as there is probably some jealousy there.
I dont think you need to notify them the second you head to the hospital tho. For us, we are waiting until im in pretty active labor to notify the grandparents. Then they can come hang out in the lobby and come in a while after LO is born. Anyway, I know it's hard when people are trying to make you change your plans, but if you put yourself in her shoes it might help you to understand a little better.
So turn off your phones. Seriously.
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
This.
It's reasonable that your MIL might feel excluded or hurt by your decision, but she needs to respect your wishes.
Personally, I think would feel rushed in labor and in the initial bonding period if I knew people were waiting to see the baby. And that would affect my mood which would in turn affect labor. Which is why we won't call people until we are ready for them to visit.
In my opinion, labor and delivery ARE all about you and what you want. Once you leave L&D, you need to compromise with your husband. Until that baby is out, no one but you and your doctor should get a say.
I think I would just tell my husband to lie to me. If she insists on being in the waiting room, I don't want to know about it.
If there is any justice in the world, your next child will be a boy and one day you will have an obnoxious daughter-in-law happily ensconced in a hospital room with your son, your new grandchild and your DIL's mother while you are told you cannot even be in the same building.
If you are so adamant that your poor MIL not be at the hospital than grow up and go through your delivery without your mommy and make it fair by calling EVERYONE after your baby is born.
Word!
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
OP, although i dont think your sounding like a brat, i do want you to remember your husband is the one that went behind your back and told her she could be there.
and why is it that your mom can be there and his mother cant? my DH would have a fit if i put those rules in place for our birth. I understand you wanting your mom there, but you have to understand him wanting his mom there...since its his baby too.
you will have plenty to distract you while your in labor, if the most your worried about is her being in the waiting room, then give me that drug cause its a miracle drug.
you cant make the excuse that you want alone time with your child if your moms going to be there.
i duno, now i just feel bad for your MIL!
The other thing to think about is what if you end up with a c-section. The recovery is not the same. I had a scheduled c-section for breech with DS. My parents were there in the waiting room. My inlaws were not invited til after we got home - they live out of state anyways. It was DH's wish for them not to be here til we got home more than mine. But I ended up having a ton of nausea and vomiting for about 20 hours following my c-section - I could not have dealt with anyone other than my parents and DH. I barely remember that day as it is, and if my inlaws [who are very overbearing and my FIL thinks it's ok to make fun of people all the time] had been there, I would not have handled it well.
So keep that in mind for who is in the waiting room - b/c they'll want to be able to come visit right away whether you deliver vaginally or by c-section.
This might not be what you want to hear right now, but this is really something that needs to be addressed now while your LO is small before this gets to be a problem as your baby gets older. Your husband needs to realize that his first priority is you now, and that since he is an adult he is going to have to sometimes have uncomfortable conversations with his mother. HE needs to be the one to tell her that she is not to be at the hospital when you are having the baby. HE needs to uninvite her and deal with the drama himself. You should not have to be dealing with this right now.
I actually have the same issue with my MIL. She stresses me out so bad and drives me crazy. I honestly can't stand to speak to her or be in the same room with her because she says some really stupid and offensive things. So I knew that I would not be able to deal with her being there at the birth. I told my husband that I did not want anybody in the waiting room (The idea of people waiting and expecting something out of me stresses me out. I feel like I have to put on some kind of performance or something.) and that I did not want his family to visit until 2 weeks after the birth. (They live 8 hours away so its a little easier) I told him that I would need that time after the birth to recoup before having to deal with his mom and all the drama she brings with her. He knows how she is so he was pretty understanding about it, but before he got a chance to talk to her about it she called him up crying her eyes out (she cries when she thinks it will help her get what she wants) and all upset because she knows I'm not her biggest fan and she was saying that she was worried that she's not gonna be at the birth and blah blah blah. So he waited like, 3 weeks after her emotional explosion to tell her that she could not come to the birth. Letting her cry it out gave her time to get used to the idea and accept it. Now, even though she's still not thrilled about it, she's accepted it and not giving us any problems.
Also we are planning a natural birth and in one of my natural birthing books it says that being stressed out by drama is very bad during labor. Because adrenaline is released when people get scared or stressed, it stops labor so that the mom can go somewhere where she won't be stressed. Its an instinct thing, but since you can't go anywhere once you are in the hospital you just stay stuck and then medical interventions come into play because you aren't progressing and blah blah blah, when really all that is wrong is that you are stressed. So I told my husband this and since then he's been doing everything he can think of to make me not be stressed and to make sure I won't be stressed during labor. Even though it was a tough conversation for him to have with his mom, he realizes that my health and the baby's health come first. I can't feel good about giving birth if I know that an audience is waiting. He gets that. Your husband needs to get it together and let his mom understand that she can't be there because to you it will be a legitimate health risk. No caring grandmother would want to put her grandchild at risk, so if he explains it to her that way then maybe she will understand.
After reading some of the comments about it not being fair that your mom will get to see the baby before her and all that I had to say something else.
Who cares? Why does it matter who gets to see the baby first? A baby fresh out of the womb and a baby that is an hour old are not that much different from each other. Its the same baby. Also its YOUR mom. You are the one having the baby and its a much bigger event for your mom than it is for your MIL. Her son was not pregnant and carrying the baby and giving birth. I mean, its a big deal for your mom because you are about to give birth and join the club of moms in your family, and also you are her little girl and you are about to go through something huge, and on top of that there are some serious things that could happen when giving birth.
I see it the same way as I did when I got married. My mom got special privileges because I was the bride. Plus my MIL has two daughters and my mom just has me. She will have other chances to micromanage other people's lives. That is how I feel about this birth. I don't care if it is her first grandchild, she has a whole ton of kids that will inevitably reproduce at some point. She can stress them out if she wants to. Not me.
If your husband is an only child, God help you.
Pregnancy # 6
4 missed chances
2 loving children
1 on the way
Um, has the OP even been back? (In case I missed it.)
FWIW, I am team OP is the one being insensitive to her MIL. Though I don't think her DH should have gone behind her back. He should have told her his wishes first.
Let me get this straight.
She's not demanding to be let in the room, or to deliver the baby herself, or to take pictures of your ladybits while you're crowning.
She's just asking to be in the same building while her grandchild is being born.
Yeah, what a_bitch.
:::eyeroll:::
I never pull the "wait until you have kids" card, because it is rude and condescending. But frankly, if you are this obsessed with controlling every facet of a situation...yeah, wait until you have a kid.
Are you for real? If I were the MIL and I heard that line of crap I would NOT understand. Yeah, a person sitting in a room in another area of the hospital reading a book is not a health risk. That's bloody ridiculous.
OP said she is ok with MIL seeing the baby in the hospital AFTER the baby is born and she is ready. What does it matter where MIL is while she waits to be invited to the room?
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
I wish you were having a boy so that one day when he had a child you could be told it wasn't a big deal to you becoming a grandmother.
Do you not get that the MIL is NOT going to be in the room. That the OP mentioned NOTHING about the MIL trying to interfere and get to the same place her Mom did. Her mom will be with her. Unless OP missed something in her post, it appears MIL has accepted that gracefully, and just wants to be in the vicinity.
Holy crap - I know you have issues with your MIL, but if that's the attitude you have, I'm willing to bet your MIL might justified in not liking you.
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
Have a talk with your DH. It is not cool that his mom is able to manipulate him into doing the opposite of what you want. I would be scared that once she got into the waiting room, that she would manipulate her way into the labor room. Maybe she isn't like that at all and she would wait patiently for the 18 hours you are in labor. The best way to avoid this is to not call her until LO is born.
I wanted both sets of grandparents to feel equal when I was pregnant with DD. DH is an only son and I have close girlfriends who only have sons. I invited MIL into the labor room. Big mistake. She pushed my mom out of the way, tried to touch DD's head while she was crowning, and tried to hold DD before I got to. Once DD was taken away and swaddled, she tried to hold her before DH. He got pissed. She stuck her hand in every single picture. It was awful. My poor mom was so upset by everything that it took us months before we could talk about it. DH was also really upset. He doesn't want to call his parents until DD#2 is out. I suggested not calling until DD#1 has met DD#2 and he thought that was a great idea.
I honestly think the worse thing about your situation (for me) would be MIL and DH going behind your back to change a decision that you and DH had already made. None of your family decisions should be made by your MIL and DH, or by you and your Dad. It isn't like you are saying that you don't want your MIL to ever meet her grandchild. It may seem unfair to her that your mom will be in the room. I wouldn't have shared that information with my MIL to begin with. L&D shouldn't be a contest between the grandmothers to see who is "more important". They have the rest of their lives to try to one up each other.
Everything ATal said. I don't get the people who are flaming OP for not wanting MIL in the waiting room. I don't know her or whether or not she is the "barge in" type, but the fact that she went behind the back of a mom to be (who during L&D is *the* decisionmaker) really doesn't bode well. And even so, who gets to be in the labor room is the MTB's choice alone!
And while this is just one hospital, the head nurse one where I gave birth, explained they had so many problems with people trying to force their way into the labor room, hanging out in the hallways, etc, that the waiting room is only open something like 12 hours a day.
Stand your ground OP - my DH wanted a zillion relatives to swarm the room the second the cord was clamped too (I wanted time alone to bond as just us three), but after my OB and I had a little chat, "suddenly" there were orders written that I wasn't to have visitors for a couple hours after birth. And nobody loves my son any less, or feels alienated from him.
...no thanks to my PCOS (Dx 2006,though should've been dx during maybe the Clinton years).
P/SAIF always welcome, especially if you share your sticky baby dust! **Looking to buy some gently used, one size Fuzzibunz. PM/Page me if you're selling. Thanks!**
Ugh! I feel your pain, my mil tried to do the same thing to me but luckily DH was on my side. We are simply not telling her what hospital I am delivering at or what doctor I am using. We've asked my parents to keep this info to themselves too b/c mil can be a bit devious. This is my third kid, but first with DH, so my mom knows she's not welcome until after LO is born and understands my reasons. If by some chance mil does show up and tries to come near my room I will have her bodily dragged out by security. Don't be afraid to fight dirty.
(Sorry, I hate to condense a quoted post, but this would get way too long if I didn't.)
Now ATal510- I'm not specifically calling you out on the first and third bolded points, your post was just the most recent to state what a few others have also said. But wtf? It took both you and your supposedly "dear" husbands to create the life that will soon be welcomed into the world, but suddenly he's just a guest or spectator?! Will you also pull that sh!t when it comes to raising your children and pull the "I'm the mom, so I get to decide how x, y and z happen in LO's life"? One of the best things we can teach our children is how to have healthy and respectful relationships. That starts with treating others the way we want to be treated.
As for the second bolded quote, why are the only two possible outcomes that she either tries to barge in or she gives up and leaves? For some people, part of the excitement is the anticipation that waiting there, at the hospital brings. If the MIL is the biological mother to the OP's husband or any other children, she probably has at least an idea that labor and delivery can take a while and can't exactly be hurried.
OP, you feel the way you feel, and none of us are going to change that. However, I really hope, for the sake of family harmony now and in the future, that you can take a look at this from another perspective and see that perhaps just giving your MIL the blessing to wait in the waiting room isn't really a big deal. Maybe you can turn it into a special thing just for her. As in, "MIL, I know you really want to be there, and that's fine, but can this just be our little secret? It'll stress me out if there's a mob waiting to get in and see us. We want it to be just those closest to us who are there first." I bet she'd be tickled. I hope you can resolve this and have a lovely birth experience. Good luck!
I think the first issue you need to deal with is your DH. It is NOT okay for him to go against your wishes like that. You two are the family now, and you need to be on the same page, regardless what you decide to do about your MIL.
When I had DD, some of my family showed up and waited in the waiting room and I didn't even know, so I couldn't have cared less. I don't know if they tried to get into my room, but they weren't on the list, so they wouldn't have been able to. Nurses are good bouncers like that. Anyway, it worked out great since I had a burst of energy after DD was born, so they came to see her, kept it brief, then off they went. What also helped me was having my sister be the go-between. We only called her with updates, then she could let the family know. Worked like a charm.
Also, I get that your relationship with your mom is completely different the that with your MIL, but you need to remember that she's DH's mother and deserves some respect. I wouldn't be comfortable with my MIL (or my mom, but that's a different story) in the delivery room, but she got the same visiting privileges as anyone else.
lurking
I think you're trying to micro-manage this a little too much. Have you talked to your DH and how he feels about it? I cant imagine that he doesn't want his parents present in some way, I'm sure he wants to share it with them in some way. If he does want his parents there, you've passed 'respecting wishes' and moved on to selfishness.
You can control who's in your room but you can't actually control who does and doesn't wait in the lobby. I mean if she was some crazy drunk/drug addict that was going to cause serious problems, I would understand. but its your DH's parents, I'm sure he's going to be excited and want to call and tell them that his child is being born.
I agree with above on delivery. In the delivery room, it is my vagina on display, so definitely my choice on whom will attend the actual birth lol. I have to face these people in the future! I kind of lied and said they're only allowing my husband in the room.
My sister in law wanted to attend.
My hospital seems to be pretty strict in comparison. They allow no one to wait in L&D. They are only allowed to wait in the ward where mother & baby will be post birth. So once I am transferred to my room with baby, they are allowed to be in the waiting room until they can come visit me. They only allow 2 visitors in my room at a time (out of courtesy to the startled, tiny baby).
I understand people are extremely excited, I am too! But honestly, I don't know how my labour will go. I don't know how exhausted I will be. I am guessing that I do not want to deal with any visitors for at least a little while post birth. I just want to cuddle my baby with my husband and nurse. Therefore, I'll just call people to mention the birth after it's ok for them to come.
Agree - I wouldn't call anyone until you are ready to make the annoucement. I know everyone is excited but I agree that it's a special moment between you and your husband especially. I personally like someone's suggestion above regarding taking an hour after the baby is born to relax a bit with just you, your baby, and your husband. I think sometimes the excitement gets to us all - but we should enjoy these moments.
Good luck - my MIL can be a challenge sometimes too, so I totally feel for you!
Well I can sympathize with you a little on this one. I def won't have a problem with my MIL waiting out in the lobby, but I am afraid she is going to invite herself into the delivery room! I have the sweetest MIL ever but she is constantly trying to force her opinions and wishes on us and my husband can never tell her NO.
You should just think of it as extra love and support for your new family instead of your MIL trying to get her way. There are a lot more important things going on for you to think about. And definitely DO NOT worry about her or anyone else waiting on you! However, I think it would hurt her feelings a lot if you did not call her to let her know you went into labor. Let her sit out there and wait.. it's YOUR day but she is excited for your new family.
1) It might sound petty, but I want to be the one bonding with our daughter after she is born - not dealing with being sewn up, and DH having to pass her around to family members. They can wait till I get home.
2) I plan on BFing again. So, so much less stressful when you don't have to worry about people popping in, or even waiting to pop in. My child is my priority, not entertaining guests.
3) Grandparents make it about them. Sorry, but it's not. Wait in line.
Last time, my best friends waited till 24 hours after I gave birth to come visit, which was wonderful - I was cleaned up, no more catheter, and ready to receive guests. Same with my BIL and SIL. DH and I got our bonding time with our son, and a chance to figure things out without having people offering unsolicited advice. My DH never even held a baby until our son was born, let alone change a diaper - do you think he needed the added stress of rabid grandmothers trying to "teach" him? Forget it (mind you, they didn't even know what to do when it came down to it).
DH was completely on board with not calling anyone until after our son was born, bathed, measured, etc. Funny thing - at one point I had been given Nubain. He tells me that I asked to call my mother. He said to the nurse, "That must be some serious drug." Then I started talking about PVC piping, and he just laughed.