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Blended Families
Phantomgirl
member
Mrs. H why did you DD?
Phantomgirl
member
It was such an interesting question. In fact here it is...
I am a step mother . My DH pays child support. My question is to those who sometimes complain that they cant afford the support payments...they wont have enough for rent, food, etc....
ummm. so, do you think it would be better if your child didnt have a roof over their head or food to eat?
Just a question.
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Re: Mrs. H why did you DD?
I think it's pretty interesting that she claims to be a step mother but never has always made snippy comments to say about other SM's. She finally posted something blended family worthy last week - where she attempted not to sound like she was complaining but in fact she was. Something about how BM makes appointments for her and her DH to take her step kids and how annoying it is because she makes them at inconvenient times. Everyone was actually quite kind and helpful.
I DD because it sounded snippy when I went back in and read it. I didnt mean it that way.
I get annoyed when Step parents think their step children dont deserve to be treated well. I love my SS and only want the best for him. Yes, I complain about his mother but we've never had an argument and are always cordial to each other.
I am sure there are things I do that she doesnt like too.
I think that this is a good post, and I will gladly answer to why I complain about CS...
We pay $2951 a MONTH for ONE child. I dont feel that any custodial parent needs that type of payment - especially when they are able-bodied and have the ability to work. Not "feeling" like it is not acceptable. By paying this much in CS, we dont have the ability to fly my SD down for a visit just any time we feel like it - we arent able to fly up and visit any old time - because it is too darn much.
BM lives in government housing - and get this - her rent/all ulitilities is equal to $168 a month. Where is the other $2,700 going???
So yes - I bittch and complain about the CS because I think it is absolutely horrific. I will NEVER be able to stay home with my children because we cannot afford it. Yes - we travel and are very blessed to do so - but we have special circumstances for that (I didnt want you all to question my Hawaii trip... DH's company bought us the vacation because of my illness/remission)
I think Im allowed to be bitter in this sense
Okay so since I'm really irritated and hormonal I'll bite on her little sarcastic question:
ummm. so, do you think it would be better if your child didnt have a roof over their head or food to eat?
Ummmm what an ignorant generalization.
Ummmm well let's see Mrs.H - when SS didn't live with us DH DID send her child support HOWEVER the money didn't go to him. It went to him and her two kids she had with her loser now husband. At that time her now loser husband left her with his 2 kids (they are younger than SS) so the child support money my DH gave her was helping support ALL her children. Did DH care? No because hell it was for kids and someone had to feed them right? Never mind the fact that SS - didn't get the clothes money, school money, etc... he should have gotten that his father was PAYING which he was entitled to.
Ummmm what else? oh yea - then when her man came back to her - she started spending DH's child support money that was supposed to go to his SON - on new tires for her Toyota, on beer money, on new clothes for her. How do we know this? SS knew how much money his dad sent him every month. Whenever they went shopping he would pay attention to the bill and according to him it was never the full amount of what DH sent.
Furthermore, she was getting public assistance and food coupons so she did have money for food, because she declared herself a single mother but she was living with her man at the time and he had a job and a house etc... however whenever SS asked her for something (school project, bake sales, sneakers, etc...) she would tell him she never had any money. To this day she has never paid child support.
Oh but Ummmm that's okay I guess right Mrs. H - because me and DH work and aren't on public assistance? So since I have a job and DH has a job it's okay for her not to put a roof over her son's head because we already provide one?
Umm okay have to go pee now - baby is pushing on my bladder. I'll be back later.
No one in their right mind feels that a child does not deserve to be treated well.
Cartain people on this board are being screwed for CS and are justified in venting about it. I have yet to see that vent being directed at the child.
You come across as a very negative person.
You have every right to complain! She probably means the ones that pay a more reasonable amout. I don't know, I don't open c/s posts.
This. Holy Sweet Jebus!
I don't begrudge my SS his CS. I do begrudge the fact that his mom does not use it to support him. She has no mortgage, gets utility assistance, and many other types of public assistance. And yet, she won't buy SS new shoes or clothes when he outgrows his. She won't put money in his school lunch account, or pay for extra-curriculars (sports, which he desperately needs) and she tells him it is because Dad does not give them any money and he does not care about him. That is why I am bitter. It has NOTHING to do with the child and everything to do with his mother. And I am sure that is the case for many people on this board, however when you complain about CS people assume that you are bitter about the kid, but with a little backstory it should be clear that is not the case.
I agree ! YIKES!!!
This. I dont begrudge CS (I do to the amount) - my SD deserves support from BOTH parents. I begrudge that the BM doesnt work, or do anything... What happened to BOTH parents supporting and being responsible??
If we had disposable income, sure - take what you want... But we dont. CS is based off of my DH and my incomes (mine is considered "supplemental") and is to be paid until age 23 (Hawaii and Mass. are the ONLY states that do this). So yes, Im angered.
Mrs. H - you've posted on here before right? I thought you were a regular!
this!
I get annoyed when Step parents think their step children dont deserve to be treated well. I love my SS and only want the best for him. Yes, I complain about his mother but we've never had an argument and are always cordial to each other.
Sorry but this is so AW of you.
I just typed a loooong response saying almost this exactly and lost the whole darn thing! Grrr! Not going to retype it all, but I will say that I am both a bio mom and a stepmom. The CS that my ex pays for DD doesn't even pay for half of her daycare costs but my DD absolutely does not go without. I firmly believe that I am as responsible as BF is for providing for my DD and yes, I think that my stepson's biomom should hold some (if not equal) responsibility for providing for their children as well. It irritates me to no end that no matter how much DH pays it is never enough and she is forever whining about how much the boys "go without" because DH doesn't pay her enough.
I agree with this 100%. I have 2 skids, and my DH pays a ridiculous amount in child support, especially when we have them 50% of the time (which is apparently not taken into consideration for cs calculations). I have to work for this reason exactly, and im not afforded the option to stay home with my own child when he is born because we could simply not pay our bills if I did so. My DH has an obligation to support his children and I wouldnt want that any other way, but their mother should be held to the same standard. Sad thing is, she takes us to court once a year (which costs us attorneys fees and were usually forced to pay hers) just to get an increase in cs because she knows he gets a raise and wants that money.
This! I dont understand it...we have the kids 50% of the time, and that other 50% of the time, the kids are not with their BM, they are with her parents...because shes out at the bar. Sadly, she doesnt deny it either.
I think this certain question is much to broad on the spectrum of what this board covers.
There are women on here that are BM?s, and SM?s, some are both. Everyone has their own personal story and what?s going on in their lives. Some people are really getting screwed, some, not so much. Regardless, I don?t really think women come on here and direct their anger over CS at the child. It?s more of a general frustration. Some are paying WAY too much for CS, some people are paying CS when they have the child 50/50 (like in our case). Some people are paying what they were paying when the divorce first went through, and now are making significantly less now, and haven?t gotten it amended. (whatever the reason may be) You have to look at each case separately. You can?t base a generalization on an entire group of people.
In our case, we pay $500 a month. Not a ridiculous amt, but we have SS equal amt of time. DH agreed to this at the time because he thought it was the ?right thing to do?. We?ve never been late or missed a payment. Does that mean we want to keep paying this CS amt until he is 18? No way. Do I complain sometimes about that $500 we hand her every month to pay for her car pmt? Yes, I do. Do I take it out on SS, or think it?s any way his fault? Hell no. We have a separate wardrobe, toys, everything from BM. He doesn?t come with a nap sack for half the week and sit in an empty room with a TV. We are a family unit. We provide everything (if not more) than that BM provides, and yet we still pay.
I know other ladies have shared their situations, and hopefully you will see that it isn?t as black and white as complaining about CS vs ?providing a roof over SS/SD head?. It?s not like that. It?s a very grey area.
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In our state step parents' income is not taken into account. BM tried to make a deal about me working last time we were in court...which #1 I'm not and #2 doesn't mean squat.
BM doesn't pay cs at all. She doesn't work. We get a minimal amount of money from the state on behalf of the kids because BM is on disability (around half of what we would get in c/s if BM had a $12/hr job). BM is supposed to pay 25% of all the standard costs (out of pocket medical, school, etc) and for 2 1/2 years didn't pay a penny of it.
DH brought these kids into the world and he loves them dearly. I chose to marry into this situation knowing full well what kind of BM I would be dealing with until the kids are 18. No complaints from me when she had custody and DH paid support (except that he paid more than the court ordered amount, my ILs let her live rent free in a houe they owned, and some how BM still called saying she couldnt afford to feed them or keep the gas & water on). No complaints from me now. I chose to be here. I knew it would be like this. I have no right to complain.
In most states you can request itemized statements including receipts for where the money goes and if you get it court ordered, BM has to provide you with that information.
I don't think this is the norm. The "if you get it court ordered" is quite a big "if".
Its crazy how different it is state to state.
I wonder how it works in Texas then, because my DH and I would love to have her provide an itemized statement of how she spends the money...especially since $1200+ for the 15 days a month she has them isnt enough and she comes asking for more money...considering we pay for all health insurance premiums and 50% of copays on top of the cs.
I went to Massachusetts website - they just updated their "CS laws" (some thankfully to our benefit) and it was black & white right on there...
Do some searching
Lucky
I don't care who you are or how psychic you think you may be, you NEVER KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE GETTING IN TO BEFORE YOU ENTER A BLENDED FAMILY. You think you know, but you don't understand even a quarter of the drama, the pain, the love, the heartache and the satisfaction that comes from being a stepmom. You chose to enter in to the situation but you don't give up your right to BIT&H about it, especialled when you are getting a SCRE&JOB.
And no. The majority of states will not require an itemization of where child support goes. In fact most states specifically say that you can't get this.
Luckily, our state is one that asks for an itemization. BUT - here's my problem - when TWO people decide to have a child or children, I think it is an EQUAL responsibility for the parents to provide for them. My problem is that we pay almost $2,400/month for 2 boys who don't have special needs or anything out of the ordinary as far as expenses. BM refuses to work, yet got a boob job, enters herself in beauty pageants (which makes me LMAO) and goes on cruises, vacays, gets hair extensions (but says she just can't possibly get a job!) and THEN tells MY DH who is the one supporting the kids, that HE is bad dad and doesn't pay NEARLY enough CS. She has made the boys call us to ask us for money for ALL sorts of things over the years and DH finally told the boys just how much he DOES pay in CS and told them to not ask for anymore money on top of that. That there is MORE than enoughh there for extracurricular, fun stuff if they want and if it's being allocated properly. (let me also add we provide ALL the insurance and pay for everything out of pocket basically (i.e. braces, etc)...and we're a miltary family at that. So we're definitely not rakin' in the big bucks.)
BM wastes the child support - she blows it and acts like a princess and it's sickening. She's not even a good MOM to the kids - she lies, she cheats, she trash talks and allows the kids to get away with murder. She isn't doing her kids ANY favors financially, emotionally OR mentally.
So yeah, ummmmmm, I have a HUGE problem with the amount of money DH shells out each month when it's getting blown and she sits and trash talks DH to the kids every day.
November can't come soon enough because the judge agreed last March that BM is getting WAY more CS than she should be and it will DEFINITELY get adjusted down. My SS's absolutely deserve CS - but a reasonable amount - not an outlandish amount that is abused by their crazy mom. (and regardless of entering into a BF situation, do you think you can possibly know and see all the things that can or could happen to you as a family over the years - that's a riot. If anyone figures that one out, please let me know. The court system alone makes that a guessing game.)
We get $915/month for DS, and that will go down when DS starts kindergarten. I think we go to about $700/month at that time.
How in the world do CPs prove where the CS money goes? I have an income, my H has an income, and it all goes into the same account with CS money that my ex pays. Then my mortgage, car payment, childcare expenses, etc all gets paid out of that account.
You can look at it and say that my ex pays my H's credit card bill. But DS's clothes are bought with that Amex. Maybe that money pays my mortgage or car payment, but that puts a roof over DS's head and provides him with a safe vehicle.
If I had warning, I could come up with receipts from his preschool and stuff for his clothing, shoes, doctors visits, etc. But could I produce all that from the last year? Uh, nope.
I can understand a desire to know where the money goes--especially if the CP doesn't work--but it would be exceedingly difficult to trace where every dollar goes.
In your pp you said that BM takes you back every year for more CP. I thought the standard TX order says every 3 years it can be assessed? Regardless-that totally sucks. How can BM get it granted for you to pay HER court costs when she is the one initiating the proceedings? I agree-TX is just one of the many states that is 50 years behind the times when it comes to father's rights.
I agree... We dont need every exact dollar - BUT when you are getting $2951 a month and your rent + all utilities is only $168... Where the heck is all that extra money going??? And then asking us to pay $200 for basketball, plus softball spikes, etc etc.
I dont get it... I would like a ballpark figure of where that other money goes.
I don't think TX is quite as behind as you think compared to other states. My sister and I went to visit my dad one year for Christmas break, he lived in TX (this was about 15 yrs ago) and he kept us. He never put us on a plane back home to our mom. My mom tried to deal with the courts in TX and showed her divorce papers that stated she had full custody of us (my dad wasn't even supposed to have us, she let him take us just being nice) and the state would do NOTHING! They said they don't recognize divorce decrees from other states. My dad enrolled us in school (he didn't have our birth certs, or anything! They just let him) and my mom had to secretly physically remove us from school one day. My mom always refers to TX as the 'state that's it's own country'. Just my personal experience though, thought I'd give my 2 cents of what I know of TX
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Of course it would not be easy, but at the same time we had to do just that for H's CS hearing. We had to get copies of every check for utilities, trash collection, rent, gifts, birthday gifts, vacations, clothes, etc. It was not fun, nor was it easy.
IMO, CS should first go to the childs immediate needs, whether that is medications, half of co-pays (or all of them), clothes, school supplies, extra-curriculars, etc. If there is extra at the end of the month, then put it towards the household bills, as I do understand that the mortgage/rent is providing a place for the kid to live, a car provides transportation, etc.
Maybe there should be a universal rule or guideline that requires CS money to go into a state account. Then the CP can draw from that account and the NCP can see where the money goes.
I can't imagine forking over a huge percentage of my income, so I do have sympathy.
For whatever it's worth, in Florida, if the CP doesn't work, then the CP doesn't get necessarily get money for childcare and the CS payment goes down. I think that's fair.
You can have cs adjusted in TX every year, but the state wont pay for it. If you want the state to look at it, then yes, its every 3 years at their expense. They have been divorced 3 years, and every year, in July, without fail, we get summoned to court. Last year, for example, she wanted an increase in child support because DH got a new job. She assumed that meant a raise, and it did, but only a small one. However, we used that time to go to mediation and work out an agreement so we could get the kids 50% of the time, and she agreed bc well, she doesnt have the 'time' for them. Not only did we get hit with 1/2 the mediation cost, we were hit with her attorneys fees, our attorneys fees and a $300 a month increase in child support when we actually gained more time with the kids and should have either hd cs stay the same or a decrease all together. So yes, its very backwards, and I strongly feel like she should provide 1/2 their support while we provide the other 1/2. Our lawyer advised us a few weeks ago that its now our turn to take her back to get a decrease since im pregnant and my DH will have another child to support....but we havent decided if thats whats best for the kids or not...were not looking to take anything away from them, we are simply asking for her to provide some support for her children.