TTC After a Loss
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Did you know? (sensitive)
Did you know when you were pregnant that you were most likely going to miscarry?
Even though I was naive and told people way to soon- I still had this awful nagging feeling that something wasn't right. I tend to be a pessimist so I'm not sure if it was intuition or just my normal pessimistic self.
Also, do you have any feelings one way or the other about future pregnancies? I know we are all scared of miscarrying again...but any true gut feelings about how things will go again?
Sorry if this is a bit too much. I've been wanting to post this forever as I just wanted to know if I wasn't the only one that kind of felt like I was going to miscarry.
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Re: Did you know? (sensitive)
Did you know when you were pregnant that you were most likely going to miscarry? I was excited when we first found out, but almost immediately this uneasy feeling sank in. Even after we saw the heartbeat, I thought our journey was a bit rough and wasn't going to end well. 4 days later we lost Spawn.
Also, do you have any feelings one way or the other about future pregnancies? I know we are all scared of miscarrying again...but any true gut feelings about how things will go again? Funny (no haha funny) that you should mention this. I told DH how I always used to picture us with kids and as a family. Now, I cannot even imagine a crib in my house. For some reason my gut is telling me that bio kids aren't happening for us.
♥BFP #1 "Spawn"- 02/23/11 | EDD: 11/01/11 | natural m/c 03/20/11 @7w5d♥
♥BFP #2 "Offspring"- 11/10/12 | EDD: 07/25/13 | incomplete m/c 12/14/12 @8w1d | D&C 12/21/12♥
♥BFP #3 "Progeny" - 02/16/15 | It's a BOY!! | EDD: 10/17/15 | BD: 10/23/15♥
All AL Always Welcome
I was naive with my first pregnancy. I never thought in a million years I would miscarry. It honestly never even crossed my mind until my spotting and cramping got bad.
With my second pregnancy, of course I was nervous, as it's par for the course, but deep down, I really didn't think it would happen to me again. I didn't think I could possibly be part of the 4-5% who have 2 consecutive losses. And then it happened.
Now, my entire outlook as been reset. I know I'll spend my next pregnancy believing that won't be my take-home baby. I won't know if it's really my gut "talking"--or my past. I hate that.
I had absolutley no physical "signs", not until my ultrasound. I felt so naive, but in the back of my mind I think I knew or felt something was off. I'd never been pregnant before and didn't know what was normal or not. I would go and read miscarriage/loss posts during my pregancy, which I now makes me sound creepy, but I just felt drawn to them. I would google "miscarriage symptoms" just in case too.
I was actually talking to a friend today and I told her I'm excited to TTCAL, but I just "know" it will happen again. I feel like a Debbie Downer, and I'm not being pessimistic, I just think I'm "hopeful for the best, but prepared for the worst" as they say. It's not going to stop me from TTC. If it happens again, it will be another set back and I will be crushed, but eventually I know I'll pick myself up and try again....and again.
D&C: 03/08/12 Waited for AF for 146 long days!
Hysteroscopy/D&C on July 10th to fix blocked cervix (DX: Cervical Stenosis)
BFP #2 12/8/12, EDD 08/21/13 Our rainbow arrived 08/24/13!
I get what your saying
I have this happen many times.
I remember sitting on my bed one night with C when I was about 15-16 and saying I am gonna have problems getting pregnant when I'm older.. Lo and Behold I have fertility issues.. I felt even then that I wouldn't be one of the lucky ones that get pregnant easily and would have to go on fertility drugs.
When I finally got pregnant I didn't tell C.. I knew something wasn't right.. one me and C weren't really on good terms at the moment.. a couple weeks before I found out I was pregnant he had told me that he didnt want kids anytime soon.. and two I just didn't feel like this would be my happy ending.. this wouldn't be my baby that I brought home. I started miscarrying 3 days later and didn't tell C what had happened until probably a week later.. which I totally regret now.. he should have known from the begining but I have made mistakes in my life..
Also I always knew that something was going to happen between me and C.. I could never picture us as an old married couple.. despite feeling that something was going to happen it hurt badly when he walked out cause I had hoped I was wrong..
Like I said happens all the time to me.. those are just a few instances.. I don't know if it's normal.. but your not alone in it. ((hugs))
I didn't know that I would miscarry but I wouldn't let myself get excited about the pregnancy. I told DH that we couldn't tell anyone in case we lost the baby. Well somehow I'm glad that we didn't tell. (Most of my cousins announced when they got their BFP, like literally, I think they peed on the stick and started calling everyone) and I wanted to wait just in case. I guess that may have been a feeling.
I am terrified of future pregnancies. I want so badly to be pregnant and have a large family. I honestly don't have a gut feeling but I can't imagine my own children anymore.. Sad I know. However, I had a baby dream the other night that was so real that I woke up sobbing..
LaTi- Ugh.
I hate those gut feelings. I can't say my gut is telling me we won't have bio kids yet- but I do feel my gut is saying we are going to miscarry again and it's going to be awhile before my take home baby.
Panacea- I don't know whats worse, thinking the worse is going to happen and it does, or thinking the best is going to happen but then the worse does. It seems out of the responses so far yours has been more of the thinking for the best. As far as your next pregnancy- its so easy to mix those gut feelings and negative past memories. I guess thats why I posted this because it is so hard to tell.
Pkaren- I relate with your post alot for several reasons. I was one of those 'creepy' people (haha) that read the m/c boards while I was pregnant- like you said- like I was drawn to it. It was strange. And then it happened. I also feel that I am going to m/c at least one more time. I feel awful saying it outloud but it is my true feeling. I hope for both of us our gut isn't true.
VQ- Wow--it seems like you are pretty intune with something for all of those gut feeling to come out the way they did. Thank you for sharing--I am so sorry for all you have had to endure but you sharing makes me feel like I am not a crazy woman.
Did you know when you were pregnant that you were most likely going to miscarry?
I knew that it happened to women, but I thought that if something was wrong, I would know.....the only way either of my losses were diagnosed were via ultrasounds. Never had any spotting, cramping, bleeding with either of them.
Also, do you have any feelings one way or the other about future pregnancies? I know we are all scared of miscarrying again...but any true gut feelings about how things will go again?
What I have learned is that my "gut feelings" don't mean anything....when I didn't realize anything could go wrong, it did and my baby died. When I got pregnant again, and worried incessantly, my baby still died. While I know that another miscarriage is always a possibility (it is for every women with every pregnancy) I am choosing to believe that things will go well for us next time....I have decided to be happy and optimistic until I have reason not to be because worrying and being pessimistic doesn't do anything except make me miserable.
Rebe- I was one of those crazy people who practically called after I peed on a stick. I did wait a few days- but still. I have learned my lesson. As far as you not wanting to tell anyone for awhile, I think that is normal for most people. I am so sorry about your dream
I have only had one pregnancy dream since my m/c and it was truly heartwrenching.
DC-You seem to be another one of this thread (You and VQ) that seem to have a strong intuition proven time again. I am happy for you that your intuition is telling you that your next pregnancy will be fine.
With my first pregnancy I felt like something was off starting about 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant. But with my 2nd and 3rd loss...I had no clue. Especially with my 2nd...I've never been so blindsided in my life.
Of course I was also paranoid of another loss, worried about it a little but not overly so. With the third I feared I'd have another loss but never in my wildest dreams thought I'd ever have an ectopic and lose my tube too.
ETA: As far as future pregnancies go...I honestly don't know. I don't feel like we'll just never have kids. I also don't feel like I've had my last loss. But mostly I just feel like the next pregnancy won't come without serious fertility treatments.
[spoiler] My Blog: Grow Baby Grow
BFP #1: 12/2009 m/c 1/2010 BFP #2: 6/2010 m/c 8/2010
BFP #3: 10/2011 ectopic 11/2011 (right tube removed, learned left tube was probably nonfunctional due to scar tissue from infection after m/c)
3 failed IUIs, IVF #1: 18R, 12M, 10F, 3 poor quality 5d embryos transferred= BFP #4!!!!!
Betas: 9dp5dt: 64 ~14dp5dt: 91 (expecting miscarriage, doubling time of 236 hours) ~16dp5dt: 200~18dp5dt: 500
First Ultrasound at 6w2d revealed two sacs, only one with a heartbeat
LK arrived after 42 weeks on August 14, 2013! Beautiful, healthy, and happy!
TTC#2: IVF booked for April 2015
Surprise BFP#5 February 19, 2015 EDD: November 2, 2015
Betas: 10dpo: 10, 14dpo: 77, 17dpo: 270
First Ultrasound at 5w1d showed a miracle UTE baby! And right ovary ovulation to left fallopian tube.
JD arrived at 38 weeks on October 20, 2015.
TTC #3: Since October 2017. BFP #6 July 2, 2018 EDD: March 16, 2019 [/spoiler]
I felt uneasy all the time too, that something just wasn't right. And I really had a bad feeling the last few days before my bleeding started.
Right now, DH and I still talk about kids, we are still trying but I feel we need to be taking the next step to see what else we can do to help our bodies produce a baby and/or my body keep a baby. We are both going to be 33 in December and even though I know that isn't really that old....but it kind of is in my world of friends and family.
Henry Cavill...You're welcome!
BFP #3: EDD 1/10/13 **DS born 12/30/12!!!**
BFP #2: MC 7/2/11 @ 12 weeks
**Missing our February '12 LoveBug**
BFP #1: MMC discovered on 12/6/10
Cycle 9: BFP 5-3-12:EDD 1-24-13 It's a girl! Born 12-27-12
Hey, CCline. ((HUGS)) to you.
Did you know when you were pregnant that you were most likely going to miscarry? I had a nagging suspicion that something was wrong the whole time. I was very nervous; I couldn't ever let myself bond with the baby; I had anxiety the whole time. When there wasn't a heartbeat, I felt every negative emotion except shock. It wasn't shock, it was like my worst fears were confirmed.
Do you have any feelings one way or the other about future pregnancies? I know we are all scared of miscarrying again...but any true gut feelings about how things will go again? Honestly, I feel like my next pregnancy will be fine. I feel nervous, of course, and my feelings may change once I'm actually KU, but I have optimism about the future. I really hope I'm not wrong on that one.
My Blog: One Emerald
BFP#1: 9-13-11 EDD: 5-26-12 MMC: 11-4-11 D&C: 11-8-11
BFP#2: 7-6-12 Elizabeth Faye ("Zuzu") born 3-21-13
I felt very "awkward" about being pregnant. We were wanting to get pregnant, and once I was I remember being afraid to tell our parents, and I felt very uncomfortable telling them. It was very weird. They were the only ones that we told thankfully, because I kept saying "we need to wait for 12 weeks... I don't think something's right". We learned pretty early on that I had untreated hypothyroidism so when i got that diagnosis and read all the issues that it causes in early pregnancy I knew. I remember saying to my husband "God knows how pessimistic I am... he's not going to make me go through this and lose faith". Sometimes I wonder if when I said that he thought "you don't think you're strong enough... I'll show you you are". Not in a mean way. Even when I found out that the pregnancy wasn't going to last I wasn't suprised. But I've now gotten my thyroid under control and look at is as the "silver lining". It could have been a blessing in disguise due to complications that could have arose to me and the baby. Maybe I just tell myself that to make myself feel better, I don't know.
I told my husband the other day that I have this "thought" in the back of my head that "it won't happen again". I don't know why, or where this thought came from. The day that the thought first popped into my head I immediately smelled my dad (he passed away 6 years ago). I hope that it's a sign from him. But who knows. I try to convince myself that it's best to not be paniced next time, but when that time comes it might be easier said than done.
Did you know when you were pregnant that you were most likely going to miscarry?
I have always had a nagging feeling that I would have issues. When I was younger and before I met DH I had convinced myself I would be fine without ever having kids.
Then I got my BFP and thought OMG this can happen. Then days later lost it. Now a year and a half later I am wondering if it will ever happen.
Also, do you have any feelings one way or the other about future pregnancies? I know we are all scared of miscarrying again...but any true gut feelings about how things will go again?
I have no hope that it will happen. I hope my next appointment gives me some hope to fuel my fire.
Did you know when you were pregnant that you were most likely going to miscarry? Yes. Somethings felt wrong about the pregnancy right away. But, with my first successful pregnancy something felt right, right away.
Also, do you have any feelings one way or the other about future pregnancies? I know we are all scared of miscarrying again...but any true gut feelings about how things will go again? I knew I would miscarry a second, which I did. But now I have a gut feeling that if/when I get pregnant again it will be successful. Maybe that's why I'm so anxious to get the ball rolling again- but alas...that won't be happening for a while.
I wanted so badly for everything to be fine, but I just felt something wasn't right. I didn't want to tell anyone, not even my parents. Until, my NT scan (where we found out about the mmc), I didn't have a single sign that something was wrong, but I still felt like something was.
I think it's going to take a while to get pregnant again, but I'm hopeful that it will be my rainbow baby. Hope is all I have at this point.
I remember being 8 months pregnant or so and sitting on the edge of the bed folding laundry. I was reflecting back on my hard childhood and was thinking how happy I was now. Suddendly I was gripped by fear thinking, "no one is allowed to be this happy, I just know it will be taken all away." I got down on my knees and prayed for my baby, prayed for my husband and for everyone I knew to be okay. The horrible feeling wouldn't go away. I got a phone call from my SIL who told me her friends baby had died in the womb for no known reason at 36 weeks. That terrified me and up to the day i was in labor I couldn't get over the horror of the way she described the baby looking when he was delivered.
I started having strange dreams. I dreamed this same dream over and over that I gave birth to little animals and not a baby. One night I dreamed I gave birth to and breast feed a litter of kittens and then a chicken and some dogs.
I finally let out a sigh of relief and knew I had made it when I went into labor. I thought I had crossed the finish line and that everything was okay. And then I lost him.
A few weeks after I lost him, an old man asked me to care for an orphaned baby deer. As my husband left for work and I was all alone feeding a bottle to a deer and my baby was gone I remembered all those dreams.
type 1 diabetic for 7 years. Been on the pump for 6 years.
I am tearing up right now. I can't imagine your heartbreak.
Hugs to us all, this is something none of us should ever experience.
Cycle 9: BFP 5-3-12:EDD 1-24-13 It's a girl! Born 12-27-12
Chemical Pregnancy
My ObGyn prescribed two cycles of Letrozole and told us to call for an RE referral if they weren't successful. With the way my cycles fell in comparison to when I had a week off in my school schedule (I'm a teacher), it made sense to have my first RE appointment mid cycle in the third month. I figured I "might as well" take the Letrozole that month, but obviously had no hopes of it working since the other two were BFN. At that point, pretty much everything had been ruled out except that I hadn't had an HSG, so we thought my tubes were likely blocked. Thinking the cycle was a bust with a negative HPT at 12 dpo, my husband and I decided to stop the progesterone supplements (which are very hard on me) to move on to a cycle that had a chance of working.
My period started and I went in for my first treatment appointment on CD4, where I was told my lining was already very thinned out and that I was probably nearly done bleeding. They gave me a prescription for Clomid, but told me not to take the pills until I got a call from them that afternoon. I was so shocked when they called me later to tell me that I absolutely couldn't take the Clomid because my beta pregnancy test was positive. However, it was the lowest it possibly could have been to register as positive. Knowing how low the number was and that my lining was already thinned out, I knew it was over, but I have to admit I couldn't help hoping.
Miscarriage at 5 weeks
After my CP levels went back to 0, I was able to start Clomid. I responded with two beautiful follicles. My beta at 13 dpo was negative and I was crushed. My RE advised me to stop taking my progesterone supplements and to call them on CD1. It took me several days to start bleeding and even then, I primarily spotted. One night, I almost filled up a tampon, so I called that CD1. When I went in for my CD4 appointment, my lining was still as thick as it had been before I ovulated. I expressed concern over this and my lack of bleeding to the nurse, but she assured me it would come and that it was nothing to worry about.
Once again, I got the familiar call - "don't start the Clomid because you had a positive beta". This time my level was at 47 - low for how many dpo I was, but with having a level of 0 just a week before, obviously it was a late implantation. It seemed like a reasonable number for how many days past implantation I was. My RE immediately restarted me on progesterone supplements. I was worried, but I really did think that it was going to be fine and it was going to stick. Two days later, my level was at 10. I didn't even cry - I suppose somewhere inside I really knew it had been over.
Moving Forward
I'm scared. It took me 19 months of trying just to have 2 miscarriages back to back. Honestly, I think I lost both of them due to late implantation combined with stopping the progesterone supplements. I wish I could find more information about or women with situations similar to mine online, but I haven't been successful.
It kills me to think that I "caused" it and to wonder how many we've lost along the way due to the same reason. But honestly, I'm more terrified that it's going to take a long time for it to work again and that it's a sign of yet another problem we're facing...
I was exactly the same - I knew from the time I was a teenager even though my cycles weren't too screwy at that point. I also told my mom at age 16 that I'd meet my husband on Eharmony. I tried dating boys at high school, college, church, and other dating sites and nothing worked out. Lo and behold at age 21, my husband was my first match on Eharmony.I had a nagging feeling when I was pregnant. I hardly had any 1st trimester symptoms (no morning sickness, no major food aversions, anything like that). I remember the night I miscarried, I had been spotting brown blood all week, didn't even make it to my underwear. I finally called my md, she checked my HCG levels and scheduled an appointment for me to have an u/s the next day. I remember she called at 6 that evening (it was a Thursday night) and she said that my HCG levels were exactly where they should be for almost 10 weeks pregnant. Congratulated me on a successful pregnancy and to that the u/s would be a wonderful appointment for DH and I and that we would get to meet our baby. I started miscarrying at 10 that night. I remember reading (leading up to the m/c) that the closer we got to the 2nd trimester, the less likely we were to have an m/c. I do remember wondering if everything was ok with the pregnancy since I was not having morning sickness. I had talked to my mom about it and she said not to worry, that she and my grandmother did not have morning sickness with any of their pregnancies. I still worried that it meant I was going to m/c.
I do worry that I will either not get pregnant again, or if I do get pregnant that it will end in an m/c again.
CCline: I want to thank you for posting this. I m/c'ed on December 22, 2011 and have been thinking this way since then. I have tried talking to DH about my thoughts and feelings and he has basically brushed them aside, telling me everything will be okay, the next pregnancy will be fine, etc. I even got the same story from my OB when I went to confirm the m/c and to make sure I did not need a D&C.
As for telling people, we did tell our families and close friends. I had also told co-workers (we had a terrible bout of bad news fly through my department, one co-worker lost her parents in about a month's time, another's husband was in a bad accident, etc.). I don't regret sharing the news, although I think I will stick to just family and close friends next time. My family was fabulous and supportive as they could be during everything.
I had no idea I would miscarry. I was blindsided and felt so stupid. I had every reason to believe things were going as they should - heard the heartbeats twice, they were growing right on track. No cramping, bleeding; nothing. Not to mentione, my prayer through this fertility journey has always been, "God, please don't give me a baby and take it away - I'd rather never be pregnant." I remember telling friends that I had faith God would answer my prayer.
Looking back, the only thing I was a bit concerned about was that I was supposed to be 11 weeks with twins and my pants were only starting to get a little tight - I thought I should have been getting bigger. But, when I mentioned it to my mom, she reassured me that because I still have abs, I won't grow as fast.
I have to have faith that I won't lose another child. If I dwell on that possibility, there's no reason I'd continue fertillity treatments. I'm terrified, but I can't let the fear stop me from attaining my dream of a child with my DH.
Stick, baby, Stick!
Beta #1 (12dpo): 38.3; Beta #2 (15dpo): 202.7
Baby Girl born 1/17/13
Did you know when you were pregnant that you were most likely going to miscarry?
I don't think it was so much that I "knew", just that I wasn't surprised. My mom had a miscarriage between my brother and I and had always been open with us about that. I understood that everything could be fine one minute and the not the next, and that's just what happened. I woke up one Saturday morning spotting and before it was evening I had already left the hospital headed home without my baby.
Also, do you have any feelings one way or the other about future pregnancies? I know we are all scared of miscarrying again...but any true gut feelings about how things will go again?
I think my fear lies in not being *able* to get pregnant again. I'm not sure why, I just have this feeling that is going to be the biggest battle.
BFP #2: 8/31/12 EDD: 5/18/13 Chemical pregnancy: 9/4/12
BFP #3: 5/17/13 EDD: 1/24/14 Loss at 5 weeks: 5/29/13
Lots of testing, all clear with the exception of compound heterozygous for the MTHFR mutation.
Cycle 1: Femara, trigger shot, Bravelle added due to slow response = BFN
Cycle 2: Cancelled due to two cysts =(
Cycle 3: Femara, Bravelle, trigger shot and IUI = BFP then loss #3
Cycle 4: Femara, Follistim, trigger shot and IUI = BFP! EDD: 6/7/14
PGAL/PAL welcome
Did you know when you were pregnant that you were most likely going to miscarry?
No. I was naive. I was nervous being pregnant for the first time but I thought it was just that....first time nerves. When I started spotting and having my betas tested I was even more scared but still didn't think I'd miscarry. With my 2nd pg I was obviously very nervous but didn't think it would happen two times in a row. It did. With my 3rd pg I was a little numb. I tried so hard to be positive but the fear was overwhelming. I lost my 3rd baby.
Also, do you have any feelings one way or the other about future pregnancies? I know we are all scared of miscarrying again...but any true gut feelings about how things will go again?
Honestly I don't. I am trying not to think about having another m/c and just concentrate on getting pg. I know I will be terrified when/if it happens but I don't have gut feelings as to how this whole journey will end.
Did you know when you were pregnant that you were most likely going to miscarry? I had was very cautious, due to a complicated medical history (lupus and cancer survivor) I was suspecting that I would have a complicated and high risk pregnancy, but as we all know nothing prepares you for a miscarriage.
Also, do you have any feelings one way or the other about future pregnancies? I know we are all scared of miscarrying again...but any true gut feelings about how things will go again? I am extremely hopeful, but nervous, my my heart says everything will be good, but I know next time I will be a nervous wreck the whole time.
I "knew" but I had an advantage on knowing I was going to miscarry. I was basically spotting my entire (extremely short) pregnancy. I got my BFP at 2w6d, and the only reason I even tested was because I had been spotting for a week with no good explanation as to why. Every dr I talked to said it was perfectly normal and to relax, but I knew.
As far as future pregnancies, I don't feel like I have any gut feelings. I know our journey won't be easy but I still have faith that we are going to have a family. I really hope I never have to go through that again, but if it does I will find a way through.
TTC Since Summer 2011
BFP #1 11/5/11 EDD 7/22/12 MC 11/14/11
PGAL/PAL Always Welcome
For my first pregnancy, I had no inclination that anything was wrong. I felt awesome and 100% optimistic. Even when I started spotting I refused to think anything was wrong.
For the 2nd, I knew it wouldn't last. I didn't even tell DH about it. It was confirmed with spotting shortly after my BFP. I was not surprised, just disappointed.
For my 3rd, I knew after my 1st ultrasound. I measured about one week behind and even though my doc was not concerned, I just knew something wasn't right. I was still devastated when it was confirmed.
At this point I have zero confidence in having a healthy pregnancy. My gut tells me I won't ever have a child. All I have is hope.
Diagnosed w/ endometriosis 12/2010 Laproscopic surgery & 6 months of Lupron
BFP 12/17/2011,EDD 8/23/12,ectopic discovered 12/29/11 at 6 weeks recieved methotrexate
Dec '12 HSG & ultrasound showed abnormalities & more endo. Laproscopic surgery in January '13 showed significant damage & scar tissue from Endo. IVF is our best shot to concieve our rainbow.
June '13 Decided to go the adoption route!
***PGAL/PAL WELCOME***
I'm very much a pessimist. My first pg, I was naive for the first 2.5 seconds. Two days after my BFP I had some spotting, but everything turned out fine. Still, though, after tha point I had a bad feeling. After seeing the HB at 9w, I felt better, and as soon as I did, we m/c. I honestly think a lot of my paranoia came from joining TB and seeing m/c announcements left and right on my BMB. However, if it weren't for that paranoia, I probably wouldn't have known about my mmc until much later.
I never felt confident during my 2nd pg, which ended in c/p. Before my 2nd loss, I could visualize having a baby one day, decorating a nursery, etc. Now I don't visualize it anymore. I think it's my subconscious's way of not setting myself up for another disappointment.
**DS mentioned**
Did I know? Not immediately. I was very hopeful in the beginning. I bought DS a "Big Brother" shirt and taught him to say, "I'm a brother!" That's how I told DH that we were having another (he was away from us for a while for military stuff). I began spotting a few days later; I think I knew deep down that things weren't going to be right despite lots of encouragement that lots of ladies have successful pregnancies with 1st tri spotting.
I had 2 good ultrasounds with HBs, but knew somehow that this baby wouldn't be our take-home baby.
Future pregnancies? I may or may not have another loss. I'm not certain whether it will be the next pg or not, but I'm not sure I'm done experiencing pregnancy-related grief. I think after this loss, though, I'm different from other people. I would like to tell family and friends sooner rather than later. I'd rather have support for another loss than feel like I'm alone in the dark.
What's the fear of telling too soon?? That you have to un-tell? There's nothing you did wrong, like you have to confess that you did something to end your pregnancy. No one can hold you responsible for your loss. I plan to be more open if I miscarry again.
Wow, this generated alot of replies- thank you. I wish I could reply to everyone individually, but I want to thank each of you for being so open and candid. It's a 'dark' subject to talk about but I was really curious and just wanting to know if anyone had the same 'dark gut feelings' like I did.
For the poster that delivered full term and suffered with the weeks of dreams beforehand- I can't even imagine. Your response just hit my soul.
I just hate this for each of us. That our happy nonchalant pregnancy dreams are dashed forever. I know many many many of us will go on to have H&H pregnancies- but no longer without the fear and dark thoughts that those who haven't had a miscarriage do not have to endure.
I was pretty sure I was going to miscarry. I had lots of cramping early on and just an aprehensive gut feeling. I truly believe that there was nothing "wrong" with my baby and my short LP was what caused my CP.
That said, I have some sort of feeling that it will happen again at least once- I still have the short LP, so there's a good chance anyways. I just have this "feeling" that it will take some sort of medical intervention for us to have a rainbow baby. I hope I am wrong and just pessimistic.
This post really hits a chord with me. I talked to an acquaintane about this a few weeks back and we both stated that during our pregnancies that we miscarried, something was just "not right." We both admitted to crying when telling our families that we were PG, and not tears of joy. Tears of pure fear.
So much of what each of you have said rings true in my own situation. When we found out we were PG, I had already made my mind up the week before that I was not KU. So I took the test expecting it to say, "Not pregnant." When it said "Pregnant" I felt nothing other than a little shock. I literally took the test, read it, put it on the counter and got in the shower. Didn't show my husband who was in our bedroom watching TV, nothing. Someone else mentioned feeling "awkward" about being pregnant. That's how I felt. I couldn't pinpoint it at the time, it was almost like I was ashamed. But I kept asking myself, why? I was married for over a year, had a good job, had been actively taking fertility meds. But looking back I truly truly truly believe that it was my body's way of not allowing myself to get attached to the pregnancy. The day we went to for our first appointment, I remember feeling dread. My mom called me the night before asking if I was excited. My answer was, "no. I'm nervous somethings wrong." When my doctor told us that we had miscarried it was not shock that I felt, but that my worst fears were confirmed (I think someone else posted this too).
As far as having pregnancies in the future, I don't know why and I hope that this doesn't come and bite me in the ass, but I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful for when we do get pregnant because I think it will be my take home baby. I can only pray and hope. That's all I have.
BFP#1 - 11/13/11, Natural MC - 12/24/11 at 12 weeks
BFP#2 - 10/2/12, Please be our rainbow.
Positive for HLA-B27, I'm a mutant
Testing - Me ok, gluten issue? DH - borderline count, low motility
4/28/11 IUI#1 = BFP!(5/25), EDD 2/2/12 - m/c 5w3d
7/3, 7/31, 9/25 - IUI#2-4=BFN
IVF#1 - 1 blast = BFP!! (12/30), EDD 9/9/12, confirmed c/p 4w2d
FET#1 3/2/12 - 2 blasts =BFP!! EDD 11/18/12, us#1 = twins! Confirmed m/c 5w6d
4/20-surprise BFP and another c/p 4w2d
FET#2 7/16/12 - 2 blasts = BFN
FET#3 8/20/12 - 1 blast - BFP!! Beta #1-2=177, 354
1st u/s 5w6d, one beautiful little HB
baby girl born 5/10/13
TTC#2 since 12/17/2014, Cycle 8
Repeat Testing...FSH=12, AMH=3.8, AFC=28.
IUI#5 5/10/15- c/p?
IVF#2 8/19/15 - cancelled due to cysts
IVF#2 take two 10/2015 - 5 blasts frozen
FET#4 12/11/2015 - BFN - 4 blasts remaining
FET#5 2/18/16 - BFP!!! Beta1-3, 126, 250, 745!!
Tons of love and ((hugs)) to my IF sister NMscubagirl