Would this sit badly with you?

ABColeslaw

I don't want to say would this pisss you off, because I'm not angry, I'm just not feeling awesome about it. 

 When my sister was pregnant with my niece, I purchased like 70% of her baby clothes.  There were several that were more pricey and utterly gorgeous, and I would say to my sister, If I ever have a girl I'm going to want this one back for sentimental reasons.  Not to sound like an asss.... because I'm only talking about a handful of outfits that were just very special and something that would be nice to share.  She of course always said, yeah of course. 

Since I have a son and my sister now has a son like 7 months younger than mine, I have passed along every single thing that Asher had to her.  I held back nothing.  I did say that I would want things back when she was done because I plan on making Asher a quilt out of things he had worn as a baby.  She again agreed.  

Anyway flash forward to now.  Her best friend found out she was pregnant 4 months ago and my sister in front of me promised all of Kylee's baby clothes if she was having a girl and all of Ethan's clothes if she was having a boy.   So I told her, thats fine, but I want to have at the boy clothes first and take back Asher's things and I want the handful of special items that I purchased for Kylee.  Not all the stuff I bought Kylee, just the 4-5 special ones.  At the time she said "Yeah okay" 

Well so anyway tonight I am babysitting while she goes out.  I was chatting with her while she was getting ready and she tells me that her friend is having a girl.  So I said "Wow she must be excited and blah blah."  and then I told her I would like to have at the clothes soon.  And she says "No thats stupid you may never have a girl and its a waste"  So I told her, well its just a handful of the special things, and we always agreed I could have them.  She said "Well I will go through it, I'll choose one of two things and give the rest to her"  Which defeats the point.  I don't want one or two random things.  

I'm not angry, maybe my feelings are a little hurt.  I've spoiled my niece and nephew over the years, because I'm a sentimental idiot and I love them like I love Asher.  

Anyway, would you be upset or do you think I'm being dumb?

faith194

I get it, but whenever I give anything to anyone, I don't expect it back.  If you really wanted those outfits, you should have kept them for yourself.  I don't like her response, but I would feel strange saying "You promised I could have them back. . ."

Chalk it up to a lesson learned. Don't give away things you want for yourself.

HelloWaldorf

I would be a little upset. :-/

sillypit

I think it's absolutely absurd to give conditional gifts to someone.

sapgirl76

I don't think you're being dumb- every one has a right to feel however they want.

That being said, I think it's strange to give a gift with the expectation of getting it back. That's not something I would do, I guess?

618mom22boys

If you wanted the boys clothes back to make a quilt then why give them to her in the 1st place? And what's sentimental about girl clothes that you bought for her when you don't even have a gril?

ABColeslaw

sillypit:

I think it's absolutely absurd to give conditional gifts to someone.

I don't know if I would call my sons clothing gifts.  She was just using those and the idea was always that I would get those back.  She asked because money was tight and I said "Well I do want to make this blanket so you have to give them back"  Kylee's clothes I guess I could see that.  But its for sentimental reasons.  Its not like I'm asking for the several hundred dollars worth of stuff I had given her.  Just a few very special dresses and things that I think it would have been nice for cousins to share.   

Abinormal

I'd be upset because she'd originally promised to return the outfits and is now going back on her word. Yes, the outfits were gifts and, technically, she can do as she wants with them, but it's still the point of the matter. I have a friend who has been handing down a lot of her daughter's clothes to Tegan. When she first started handing down the clothes, she asked that I give them back when Tegan outgrows them. I've done my best to follow through on my end of the deal and it's been awesome having the clothes. If she continues to be a butt in this situation, then I'd just deal with the loss of the special outfits and by all future outfits with the thought that you won't be getting them back. Also, I'd ask for Asher's special stuff back and make sure to hold onto future special outfits.

MrsBraun

sapgirl76:

I don't think you're being dumb- every one has a right to feel however they want.

That being said, I think it's strange to give a gift with the expectation of getting it back. That's not something I would do, I guess?

Same.

ABColeslaw

618mom22boys:

If you wanted the boys clothes back to make a quilt then why give them to her in the 1st place? And what's sentimental about girl clothes that you bought for her when you don't even have a gril?

I gave her my son's clothes because she asked for them and I told her from the get go that it was fine but I wanted them back to make the quilt.  Absolutely those were always going to remain mine.  

The other stuff I guess you woudln't understand unless you know me.  But I am a very sentimental and I might have a girl someday.  I'm the type of person that makes purchases that I think may become special.  doesn't have to make sense, because my sister and I are close and she absolutely knows that I am like this.  

mommytoconnor

I can see why you would be upset.  However, with that being said, I would not have given my boy's clothes if I was going to make a quilt and would not have given girl clothes with the expectation that I would get them back.  I don't see why they would be sentimental if they weren't your's in the first place.

ABColeslaw

mommytoconnor:

I can see why you would be upset.  However, with that being said, I would not have given my boy's clothes if I was going to make a quilt and would not have given girl clothes with the expectation that I would get them back.  I don't see why they would be sentimental if they weren't your's in the first place.

Thats how much I love my niece.  I purchased them while feeling sentimental.  

ABColeslaw

anna karenina:

I can understand where you would be hurt but can I just hijack your post to *** about my sister who gave me some maternity clothes and then got pissed at me when I didn't return them? I got so many hand me downs I could not remember who gave me what.

Moral of the story: Gifts cannot come with strings attached.

I guess.  My sister gave me  her maternity coat.  She always said she wanted it back, so I gave it back.  I did not give it to one of my other pregnant friends.  I think unless she told you from the get go that she'd want them back, then yes those are definately yours.  I've had people let me use things for Asher and I marked the tags with perm marker just in case they wanted them back.  Only a couple people did. 

ASmallWonder

Since I know you both I totally understand why you're upset.  However, I also think it's not surprising that she's doing this, to be honest.  I know your dynamic with her so even though it's something most people understand, the point is that it's ok in your relationship, she agreed and she's going back on it.  After some things that have gone on I'd actually want to get back Asher's special things NOW, regardless of if Ethan has worn them yet or not.  I don't trust that she won't get rid of stuff behind your back.

ABColeslaw

elmoali:

Since I know you both I totally understand why you're upset.  However, I also think it's not surprising that she's doing this, to be honest.  I know your dynamic with her so even though it's something most people understand, the point is that it's ok in your relationship, she agreed and she's going back on it.  After some things that have gone on I'd actually want to get back Asher's special things NOW, regardless of if Ethan has worn them yet or not.  I don't trust that she won't get rid of stuff behind your back.

Yeah I am going to go through the stuff hes outgrow tonight and from now on I'll only give her things I have no plans for.  

Disneygeek77

I understand being disappointed but I guess I don't understand wanting baby clothes back.  What if those outfits got ruined with poop, spit up or just plain got ruined  in the wash.  FWIW, my sister gave me an adorable dress for DD and I am sure she would want it back but unfortunately it went through the wash with an ink pen so now it is ruined. 

IDK, I just know how kids can ruin clothes so I would never give away baby clothes and expect them back.  Too much can happen. 

ABColeslaw

stw_77:

I understand being disappointed but I guess I don't understand wanting baby clothes back.  What if those outfits got ruined with poop, spit up or just plain got ruined  in the wash.  FWIW, my sister gave me an adorable dress for DD and I am sure she would want it back but unfortunately it went through the wash with an ink pen so now it is ruined. 

IDK, I just know how kids can ruin clothes so I would never give away baby clothes and expect them back.  Too much can happen. 

Oh some of the clothes are ruined.  But you don't need the whole outfit to cut out squares for a quilt.  The parts that are ruined will be thrown away.  If the outfits I gave my niece were ruined, then they were ruined and oh well.  But they weren't, because they were things I paid for her to get her pictures taken in and such.  One is the flower girl dress she wore to in my wedding.  She wore them on special occasions and then put them away.  

ABColeslaw

anna karenina:

And maybe I am missing the sentimental gene but none of the clothes are sentimental. Maybe the baptism outfit but I think of sentimental as the first lock of hair cut or bronzing a pair of shoes. Do people still do that? I hope you're not getting worked up over a circo or geranimals outfit. 

NO NO.  LIke expensive dresses from Jannie and Jack, a flower girl dress.  Special outfits.  

And I am totally planning on pewtering Asher's walking shoes : )  

hopkins5

Would you be this upset if some of your favourites that you gave away were ruined? What if he had a diaper blowout and an outfit that you had wanted back was totally ruined?

I can kind of see where you're coming from, but I do think it's a bit silly. They're her clothes now, to do with what she wants, regardless of your verbal agreements. If you had wanted them back, you should've kept them.

My brother had a girl in May 2010, I had a girl in October 2010, and he had another girl in April 2011. Needless to say, the clothes have gone back and forth. My favourites, however, stayed put. I gave them some cute outfits that were in good condition, but not ones that I was really attached to. SIL says she'll pass some clothes back to me if I ever have another girl but I won't hold her to it.

ETA: I see that you covered the 'what if the outfits got ruined' bit as I wrote this

ABColeslaw

hopkins5:

Would you be this upset if some of your favourites that you gave away were ruined? What if he had a diaper blowout and an outfit that you had wanted back was totally ruined?

I can kind of see where you're coming from, but I do think it's a bit silly. They're her clothes now, to do with what she wants, regardless of your verbal agreements. If you had wanted them back, you should've kept them.

My brother had a girl in May 2010, I had a girl in October 2010, and he had another girl in April 2011. Needless to say, the clothes have gone back and forth. My favourites, however, stayed put. I gave them some cute outfits that were in good condition, but not ones that I was really attached to. SIL says she'll pass some clothes back to me if I ever have another girl but I won't hold her to it.

If they were ruined then oh well.  The point is they weren't.  And I do think verbal agreements should matter.  I never once said I was forcing her to give them back.  What I did try to convey is that my feelings are hurt and that it affects our relationship.  I think verbal promises are important and if you don't keep them, then I think it makes sense the other person would be hurt.  And what is has done is ensure that I will not be giving her another one of my son's things, because I don't trust our verbal agreements anymore.  Thats all.  

Stephanie2167

I only give away clothes that I don't care to lose. I sort of feel like the clothes of Asher's that you wanted to make a quilt out of you should have never given them to her in the first place.

TiggerLuv80

I would totally be upset about this. Especially if you mentioned from the very beginning about wanting certain things back for sentimental reasons. 

I think that is horrible of her to say things like that, granted it is true that you have no idea of predicting whether or not you'll ever have a girl, but that's not the point at all.

 

TiggerLuv80

Stephanie2167:

I only give away clothes that I don't care to lose. I sort of feel like the clothes of Asher's that you wanted to make a quilt out of you should have never given them to her in the first place.

I definitely agree with this though. I have had several people ask for my boy clothes and have told them no because I, for one, want to keep them in case we have another boy since we're TTC.  

Mama_SAS

After everything she has done lately I'm not surprised. I don't think it is odd that you loaned her clothes that you wanted back considering you were living with her at the time. I wouldn't think of the flower girl dress for your wedding as a gift even, and I think you have every right to be upset if she gives that away. You also have every right to Asher's clothes. I'm sorry that she is treating you this way.

Lariah14

beachgurlie80:

I would totally be upset about this. Especially if you mentioned from the very beginning about wanting certain things back for sentimental reasons. 

I think that is horrible of her to say things like that, granted it is true that you have no idea of predicting whether or not you'll ever have a girl, but that's not the point at all.

 

This. I also won't give away my clothes for DS in case we have another boy, or share my maternity clothes until we are for sure "done." 

MrsMommyQ

My SIL gave me a small bag of hand me downs from her DD and when she gave it to me, she said that if there was anything that I didn't want or didn't fit, could she please have them back for sentimental reasons. I agreed and I totally understood her request and was not upset by it at all. I went through the bag and sent a few things back that didn't fit my DD.

I totally understand what you did/said to your sister. If it were anyone else in the world, I might think it was odd to ask for a few of the things back, but it's your SISTER. She's family and I don't think it should be a big deal for her to give it back to you rather than giving it to a friend.

delg23

While I find the entire situation odd, I think because it was prearranged you have every right to be upset. She agreed and now she isn't doing it. 

ABColeslaw

gsteph88:

ABColeslaw:

anna karenina:

And maybe I am missing the sentimental gene but none of the clothes are sentimental. Maybe the baptism outfit but I think of sentimental as the first lock of hair cut or bronzing a pair of shoes. Do people still do that? I hope you're not getting worked up over a circo or geranimals outfit. 

NO NO.  LIke expensive dresses from Jannie and Jack, a flower girl dress.  Special outfits.  

And I am totally planning on pewtering Asher's walking shoes : )  

I just can't wrap my head around you. They are clothes. You gave them to her, by LAW that is HERS now, and she is free to do with them what she wants, even if that means giving them away. Sentimental or not, they were her daughters clothes, not your clothes. 

Yes I know, I got that the first time you responded.  I'm upset thats all.  Its not like I'm fighting with my sister about it.  Its not like I said she couldn't give them away.  My feelings are hurt, I guess I can't help that reaction.  I'm still watching her kids tonight while she goes out and tomorrow night when she goes out.  I'm not holding a grudge.  So yes I get what you're saying.  

Tbd143

ABColeslaw:

 doesn't have to make sense, because my sister and I are close and she absolutely knows that I am like this.   

This. This is why I think your justified in how you feel. Had it been a random friend or someone your not very VERY close to I would roll my eyes, but their are certain people in my life I expect to just understand me and all my quirks.

ABColeslaw

*tbd*:

ABColeslaw:

 doesn't have to make sense, because my sister and I are close and she absolutely knows that I am like this.   

This. This is why I think your justified in how you feel. Had it been a random friend or someone your not very VERY close to I would roll my eyes, but their are certain people in my life I expect to just understand me and all my quirks.

Yupp.  I have a small handful of people that I expect it from.  My sisters and my best friend.  And I think in return the have the right to expect that I will understand and respect their quirks.  Its called reciprocity.  I know for a fact had I given away the maternity coat my sister gave to me instead of giving it back to her, she would have been hurt and world war three would have ensued.  

I also know that my best friend who was in need of interim shoes for her son, I loaned her Asher's walking shoes that I'm getting pewtered, I know for a fact that she will return them.  And when she does, I'll get both pewtered and give one back to her, because I'm sentimental like no one I've even met and I think its very sweet that both our boys could share something special like that.  

ABColeslaw

gsteph88:

ABColeslaw:

gsteph88:

ABColeslaw:

anna karenina:

And maybe I am missing the sentimental gene but none of the clothes are sentimental. Maybe the baptism outfit but I think of sentimental as the first lock of hair cut or bronzing a pair of shoes. Do people still do that? I hope you're not getting worked up over a circo or geranimals outfit. 

NO NO.  LIke expensive dresses from Jannie and Jack, a flower girl dress.  Special outfits.  

And I am totally planning on pewtering Asher's walking shoes : )  

I just can't wrap my head around you. They are clothes. You gave them to her, by LAW that is HERS now, and she is free to do with them what she wants, even if that means giving them away. Sentimental or not, they were her daughters clothes, not your clothes. 

Yes I know, I got that the first time you responded.   I'm upset thats all.  Its not like I'm fighting with my sister about it.  Its not like I said she couldn't give them away.  My feelings are hurt, I guess I can't help that reaction.  I'm still watching her kids tonight while she goes out and tomorrow night when she goes out.  I'm not holding a grudge.  So yes I get what you're saying.  

Sorry, but this is the first time I've responded? 

Sorry it could be that your post read very simular to someone else's.  

Tbd143

ABColeslaw:

*tbd*:

ABColeslaw:

 doesn't have to make sense, because my sister and I are close and she absolutely knows that I am like this.   

This. This is why I think your justified in how you feel. Had it been a random friend or someone your not very VERY close to I would roll my eyes, but their are certain people in my life I expect to just understand me and all my quirks.

Yupp.  I have a small handful of people that I expect it from.  My sisters and my best friend.  And I think in return the have the right to expect that I will understand and respect their quirks.  Its called reciprocity.  I know for a fact had I given away the maternity coat my sister gave to me instead of giving it back to her, she would have been hurt and world war three would have ensued.  

I also know that my best friend who was in need of interim shoes for her son, I loaned her Asher's walking shoes that I'm getting pewtered, I know for a fact that she will return them.  And when she does, I'll get both pewtered and give one back to her, because I'm sentimental like no one I've even met and I think its very sweet that both our boys could share something special like that.  

:-)That's sweet of you.  

sucrets4

ABC - I totally and 100% think that she needs to give Asher's clothes back to you.  You lent them to her and told her that outright, and she's being a B if she plans to pass them along.

As for the girl clothes, I can understand how you feel and I think that it's crappy that she's now going back on her word.  

 

And I'd like to ask how many people had ruined baby clothes with poop/puke?  Doesn't that all come out in the wash?  Mine did.  I can understand if something out of the ordinary happens and they get ruined (like the pen example), but every day baby things can be washed.  

Oh, except the PolyViSol.  That sh!t stains. 

Art Teacher

I think that if something was really special to you, you probably shouldn't have given it to her.  (Think about how clothes get ruined easily anyway...anything can happen.) 

I guess I would ask her for a couple of the specific outfits you want, but don't be surprised if she doesn't have them anymore.

robinsokj

I think its weird that you gave her girl clothes you were already attached to . I can understand wanting ashers stuff but the girl clothes? Weird

ABColeslaw

robinsokj:

I think its weird that you gave her girl clothes you were already attached to . I can understand wanting ashers stuff but the girl clothes? Weird

Is it really weird that I'm attached to special things I bought for my niece with the intention of it being a family thing??  I'm only attached to it because my niece made them special.  But yeah a few things that I said "wow this is spectacular, wouldn't in be neat if we take Kylee's picture in it and then if I have a girl we take her pictures in it too, wouldn't that be something special they could share?"   Like, yes it pisses me off that the flower girl dress she wore in my wedding that I picked out for her and bought will be given to someone else so they can use it as a christening gown.   I've purchased Kylee a great deal of her clothes.  Shes three, thats a lot of clothes.  I'm only taking about maybe 4 or 5 dresses. 

And I guess not everyone is super sentimental.  But I've always envied people who had christening gowns that all their cousins wore.  Or a cradle that all the babies in their family had slept in.  Maybe its because I never had it.  It could also be the reason my kid gets his pictures professionally taken even three months, has locks of hair labled in his baby book, and will have pewtered shoes and a quilt made out of his baby clothes.  Because I'm weird.  

robinsokj

It's sounding like there is a deeper issue here. They are only clothes

ABColeslaw

robinsokj:

It's sounding like there is a deeper issue here. They are only clothes

I disagree.  I don't think that a flower girl dress is just clothes.  I just don't.  Just like I don't think walking shoes are just shoes or wedding dresses just dresses.  Some things are special.  

wife1014

ABColeslaw:

618mom22boys:

If you wanted the boys clothes back to make a quilt then why give them to her in the 1st place? And what's sentimental about girl clothes that you bought for her when you don't even have a gril?

I gave her my son's clothes because she asked for them and I told her from the get go that it was fine but I wanted them back to make the quilt.  Absolutely those were always going to remain mine.  

The other stuff I guess you woudln't understand unless you know me.  But I am a very sentimental and I might have a girl someday.  I'm the type of person that makes purchases that I think may become special.  doesn't have to make sense, because my sister and I are close and she absolutely knows that I am like this.  

This makes all the difference in this situation.  I get it 100%.  My sister and I would have no problem doing this.  As a sister I am upset for you. I think you should tell her right out which pieces yo want and end it there. 

frlcb

wife1014:

ABColeslaw:

618mom22boys:

If you wanted the boys clothes back to make a quilt then why give them to her in the 1st place? And what's sentimental about girl clothes that you bought for her when you don't even have a gril?

I gave her my son's clothes because she asked for them and I told her from the get go that it was fine but I wanted them back to make the quilt.  Absolutely those were always going to remain mine.  

The other stuff I guess you woudln't understand unless you know me.  But I am a very sentimental and I might have a girl someday.  I'm the type of person that makes purchases that I think may become special.  doesn't have to make sense, because my sister and I are close and she absolutely knows that I am like this.  

This makes all the difference in this situation.  I get it 100%.  My sister and I would have no problem doing this.  As a sister I am upset for you. I think you should tell her right out which pieces yo want and end it there. 

I don't even have a sister and I agree with this. If it was a friend I would say live and learn but quite frankly your sisters response was b*tchy and I would be ticked.  

MaxandRuby

Yes it would sit badly with me. And I would not be so nice in my response to her. I think I'd babysit very soon and take those items that you want since it doesn't seem like your sister is giving a rat's asss about you, your wants, or your agreement at the moment.