Pregnancy After Loss Safe Space

returning_bump_member

Woke up this morning with no nausea after some painful cramping yesterday. I'm freaking out I lost this baby too. (My first MMC happened that way.) 

The only thing keeping my anxiety under control is that new symptoms popped up, round ligament pain (no pain just stretching) and nasal congestion.

Going to contact my ob and see if I can go in for a doppler check since my next appt isn't until 9/28. And of course we're hosting a dinner tonight so gotta put on a happy face since no one knows yet. 

MsBeachNJ

@returning_bump_member try not to worry too much, symptoms do come & go (I know with our history it is hard to think positively) but I am sending prayers your way that all is ok!! 

kweller2019

So, I am technically a month behind you guys, but because of my daughter's complicated birth last year, we will be delivering no later than April 15, 2023, 36+5. We lost our daughter, Raven, 2 weeks after her birth (at 30 weeks, growth restricted to 25 weeks) to catastrophic NEC. She was born incredibly healthy and strong for as small as she was, but NEC just sometimes happens to premies. I had 4 miscarriages (all at or prior to 8 weeks) before Raven's healthy birth, and I'm terrified that this rainbow will be taken away just like Raven and her siblings. So much so that I cannot seem to let myself get excited about this baby. Just bundles of anxiety pent up inside that I can't express. Raven's room, which will be the new baby's room, still sits exactly as it was since the day she passed in August of 2021, and I still can't bring myself to touch any of it. Part of me is afraid of this baby being real because I will have to take down Raven's things, but at the same time, I am desperate to get to be a mom full time and actually bring a baby home to sleep in the beautiful nursery we created. If this baby is a girl, we can keep most of the things we put up for Raven, but if this baby is a boy, I will have to take down and put away (at least if not sell/ give away) all of the things we put together for her nursery. How do I deal with this? I've read that I shouldn't touch anything until I was ready, but at the same time, I won't be giving this new baby the preparation and excitement that they deserve, like Raven got. Also, most people who lost infants wait longer before they try again, but I'm 31. I'm running out of time. I don't know how to put all these anxieties aside and be excited for this rainbow while I'm still grieving my firstborn.

etnyah

@kweller2019 oh my gosh. What you’ve been through is incredibly hard and I completely understand not feeling excited about your current pregnancy. I think anyone would be terrified in your shoes. I don’t know a lot about that kind of loss and grief, but to me, what you’re doing sounds completely normal, no need to touch the nursery yet. And yes, while many wait longer, I don’t think it’s out of the norm to try again soon after. You needed to do what you were comfortable with. Someone from my previous bmb lost her baby a few weeks after birth too, and she got pregnant again just a few months later. 

Basically, I don’t think there’s any right or wrong way to feel, or right or wrong thing to do. This baby, if it turns out to be your rainbow, will not erase the memory of your firstborn. Even if the room has to be changed. But if you’re not ready to change the nursery once you’re further along, that’s not terrible either. You will be able to give the new baby the love and excitement they deserve no matter what, even with an incomplete nursery. Do not feel like you’re letting either of your children down, you’re doing the best you can and it’s more than enough. Hugs, I hope this pregnancy goes well and that you get your rainbow ❤️

kweller2019

I appreciate it. I'm really hoping things turn out well this time. Our counselor is always stressing to not let any doubt creep in, not to even entertain that this baby might not make it or that they will even be in the NICU. It's just hard when all you've known is loss to think of anything else. It just hurts to try to be excited. By nature, I'm very skeptical of anything happy or exciting, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't want to be that way especially with a baby, but after so much loss, it's hard not to be.

MsBeachNJ

@kweller2019 I am so sorry for all that you have gone through. I think @etnyah has shared some wonderful advice. There is no instruction manual for grieving parents, whatever you feel is best for you emotionally is what you should do. Sending lots of love your way. 

etnyah

@kweller2019 I think what your counselor is saying is easier said than done! It’s impossible to be pregnant and not worry. I think it’s normal to wait for the other shoe to drop, it’s a way to protect yourself in case something actually does happen. With your experience I don’t think anyone would fault you for feeling that way.

Also, regarding your feeling towards your current pregnancy: early on in pregnancy I think it’s difficult to bond with any baby. They’re physically in your body, but you can’t see it or feel it yet, so they’re really just an idea of a baby at this point. It’s nothing like later on when you’re feeling kicks, or after birth when you’re actually holding them in your arms. Even then, not feeling it right away is normal too! 

I have a son and I’m having a hard time imagining loving the baby in my belly the same way I love him. I know I will once they’re born, but it’s just so abstract at this point. Trying to force excitement doesn’t work, and when you fail, guilt sets in. In reality you have nothing to feel guilty about. The way you’re feeling now is so normal. Your new baby will be loved once you’re ready to let your guard down, and it’s okay if that takes a while. 

kweller2019

Thank you, @etnyah. That makes me feel better. You're right. It's normal not to feel bonded to the baby yet when they don't move or have a face yet. There's not really any chance for interaction yet. I'm sure when I feel them start to move and react to food or sound it will be different. Thanks again!

flowerchild2022

@kweller2019 My counsellor recently reminded me how much courage it takes to try again, and even though it's tough to step back and see that in ourselves, I am reminded of how right she is when I hear stories of other women who have experienced loss. In case you haven't heard it lately, I want you to know how courageous you are to open yourself up again to this experience. 

My losses have been different from yours, but I can really empathize with the fear and mixed emotions you're having. In my experience this time around, after two back-to-back miscarriages earlier this year, it's so tough to let myself feel connected to the little one growing and to let myself feel excited because of how the previous experiences went down. There's a lot of trauma, both bodily and emotionally, that no one is prepared for when they go through loss, and even as hard as we try to be optimistic and hopeful there's definitely a part of us that is protective - like by not being excited or not feeling connected, we'll hurt just a bit less if things go wrong. And, if that's how you're feeling, I think it's okay for that protective part to be there. 

Sending lots of positive energy your way!

Knottie89593935

@kweller2019 It’s such a hard road, and I don’t know that there are any right or wrong answers. My loss was different from yours, but I experienced a lot of the same feelings. Our first son was stillborn at 38 weeks in September 2019. We got pregnant with his brother in March 2020, and the emotions that came with that pregnancy were so complicated. So excited at the renewed hope of being mom to a living baby, and still deeply grieving at the same time. In some ways we had hoped for a girl, because we thought it might ease our anxiety for it to FEEL like a different experience, but we had also gotten used to the idea of being a “boy mom” and wanted that experience (with a living baby), too. We had a boy, and even though it meant we got to re-use all of Eddie’s stuff, that came with it’s own guilt of feeling like our new baby was moving into Eddie’s room and replacing him. It took until the middle of the 3rd trimester, but I took down and set aside some things that I wanted to be “Eddie’s” and associated with his memory, and then I picked out a few new outfits and decoration for the new baby so I could participate in planning and being excited about him for his own sake. I think you just feel it out and do what feels right to you, when it feels right. Hugs. It’s so complicated. No one should have to go through what you have gone through.

I’m now at 11 weeks with our third baby (due date 4/4 but we’ll be induced 39 weeks at the latest), and feeling all the anxieties again lol Hoping for a reprieve in the 2nd trimester, but I know the 3rd trimester will be terrifying again. I’m just grateful that my OB promised the same level of 3rd trimester monitoring we got with our last pregnancy.

acleverusername

I just wanted to say thank you to you all for sharing your experiences with one other. . We have a very strong community here in April 2023!

wilsonwayworld13

I turned 11 weeks today and We had our Ultrasound yesterday little BB is doing well💙🤞🏾

returning_bump_member

@MsBeachNJ

Update to cramping and nausea gone: I had a doppler check on Thursday to ease my nerves and thankfully my ob found it right away at 168! She thinks I'm just transitioning to 2nd trimester and I'm grateful for that... and just to feel better! 

Second update.. we told our my folks last night an they are over the moon! Our 10 y.o is excited but he wants to see my belly get big 😂

MsBeachNJ

@returning_bump_member what wonderful news! So happy for you!

MsBeachNJ

This may seem like a weird question but does anyone else have like, imposter syndrome when it comes to pregnancy? I think it may be because my history of loss & overall inability to find joy in pregnancy right now when I'm constantly questioning if something will go wrong... but like, everyone in our lives pretty much knows now and are all congratulating us, and its very nice, but I am not really showing yet (to others, to myself, I don't fit in my pants) but you wouldn't look at me and say "she's pregnant" I look like maybe I ate too much Halloween candy (spoiler alert, I did!) LOL but I don't know, I just am having this strange imposter syndrome right now when anyone is talking to me about the pregnancy, and I'm trying to reason why. I think I have emotionally removed myself from it almost entirely in case something goes wrong. Anyone have any tips on how to avoid doing that and getting excited? My mind is a constant "what if". I use my doppler like every day now and its still not helping. 

trubaby411

@MsBeachNJ I can definitely relate to this. I feel like I have yet to really connect to this pregnancy because of the anxiety of the what ifs. I find myself needing to protect my heart, though honestly at this point I don't know if I would truly be unaffected by another loss despite not allowing myself that connection, so are my defense mechanisms really helping? I would say probably not, but that doesn't mean they aren't there! I wish I had some suggestions for you. All I'm doing is trying to take it one day at a time and keep my mind distracted with other things. They're not magical solutions, though I wish there was some that was. Also open to hearing others' suggestions as well. 

acleverusername

@MsBeachNJ 100% this. It's so weird when friend are reaching out to me, asking about my bump, and name selection, and etc etc. It's OK for just my husband and I to talk about it, but I get weird when others ask me about it. This being my first baby, I'm also not planning to have a baby shower. There are many reasons for this, but the one that trumps them all is not wanting to celebrate the baby until s/he is safe and healthy in my arms. We're going to do a Sip & See instead 8-12 weeks after the birth. 

I use my doppler every few days as well and it helps since every few days I my anxiety starts to rise. Especially with an anterior placenta which means I don't expect to feel movement for another 4-6 weeks.

returning_bump_member

@MsBeachNJ I can also relate. I have a bad poker face and when folks ask how excited I am, I can't hide my fear that something could still go wrong. I have a gf that just lost her son at 23 weeks so that isn't helping my anxiety. 

I try to take some time every day when I'm lying down to actually feel that bump part that is hard. It isn't much, but it helps.

I've also started making a registry for those that want it and cleaning out a room that will eventually become my son's room (bigger bed) or the nursery if he isn't ready to switch yet. 

v_flowers

@MsBeachNJ The anxiety has been unreal. I’m constantly waiting for the “the other shoe to drop.” I haven’t had any concerning issues to date. No previous losses, my appointments have all been fine, and I’ve had multiple ultrasounds…but nothing eases my fears for more than a few days. 

My husband wants to start buying baby furniture and planning the nursery, but I’m so terrified of getting my hopes up and having my heart broken. Maybe I’ll feel better after the anatomy scan? I really want to feel movement to have more assurance that things are okay. 

TW: I lost my Dad to a quick and devastating battle with Leukemia 2 years ago. I just know that worst case scenarios do happen. 

annah2022

Hi everyone. it's really nice to read so many women on here being open and honest about losses during and after pregnancy. I don't know who else I could discuss this with honestly. 

I am 6 weeks pregnant today. My last pregnancy ended because we TFMR. I had CMV and baby had all indicators it was infected as well. The baby's bladder had also burst and there was so much fluid in the belly and not enough room for his little head to grow. 

It was devastating. Had to travel to another state to have the procedure done and we just had no indication there was anything wrong until the anatomy scan. NIPT came back low risk, and so it was just devastating. I'm not super worried about contracting CMV again, etc. etc. 

Just thought I'd share on here. I know it does absolutely no good to worry. Just can't help it sometimes. 

MsBeachNJ

Thank you all for sharing your similar sentiments, I am sorry that we are all feeling this way, but also grateful to not be alone in my experience. Praying for peace and healthy pregnancies and babies for all of us. 

flowerchild2022

Anyone else struggling with that constant underlying feeling that you're just waiting for the ball to drop? I'm over 19 weeks and so far everything has been healthy. And I am more at peace with how things are going than I expected to be after how low I felt this year following my back-to-back miscarriages in the winter and spring. But I keep catching myself thinking and talking as if there's still uncertainty about baby being ok and actually coming this April. And of course I know there's always risks and things that happen even when you're in the "safe zone", but I would love to be able to let go of that constant nagging doubt. I think especially after a missed miscarriage, it's so hard to trust your body knowing that, in the past, all signs pointed to things being totally fine even when they were the total opposite of fine. We have a detailed ultrasound tomorrow (finally) and am definitely feeling the nerves!

Not really looking for advice I guess 😅. Just putting this out there because I know there are people here who will probably understand.

trubaby411

@flowerchild2022 solidarity here, for sure. I was just telling a friend today that I know statistically the likelihood of something going wrong is much lower than the first tri, but we've been on the wrong side of statistics in our journey too many times before. I am also having a hard time letting go of the worry, and I'm not sure that I'll completely get there. At the same time, I keep telling myself that it's ok to have these feelings and I'm just trying to let it come up when it needs to. I will say, I was trying really hard not to spend money on a doppler, but I went ahead and got one because my anxiety hit an all time high and I needed some kind of sign of life. It has helped knowing that I have the option available to listen in any time I'm feeling the need. Might be worth considering if you feel it could be helpful for you too. Regardless, you are definitely not alone in these feelings. 💛

etnyah

@flowerchild2022 100% understand where you’re coming from. Not completely related to loss, both of mine were CPs so I don’t know what it’s like to experience anything later in the game. For me, my anxiety is similar, but related to my son’s diagnosis. 

So far I have gotten nothing but good news this whole pregnancy, the AS yesterday was a big relief. But, after the initial excitement of good news I go “my son’s results, scans, tests all came back normal too”. 

I remember weeks after he was born, I was nursing him, my perfectly healthy baby and reading an article about a couple whose healthy baby suddenly started having violent and devastating seizures out of nowhere at 5 months old and ended up severely disabled. I thought about how horrible that would be and then less than a year later, my son was having seizures and after several more months, received a rare and devastating diagnosis. 

Baby girl is extremely low risk for my son’s condition which in all likelihood is a spontaneous mutation, but it opened my eyes to how many rare diseases are out there that are not tested for. It’s impossible to test for them all. Some aren’t obvious until birth and some not even until long after that. I’ll never feel like we’re out of the woods and I’ll always wait for the other shoe to drop. 

returning_bump_member

@flowerchild2022 I absolutely feel the same way as well. Even at almost 21 weeks, I'm waiting to hear bad news at my next appointment or ultrasound. I, too, suffered back to back missed miscarriages and it's hard to trust time/my body. 
The other day baby was really still so I freaked and ate a sugary snack to hopefully feel the kicks. Well, it backfired and kiddo now karate chops every hour, probably to spite me. 

flowerchild2022

Thanks to everyone who has responded! It feels validating to hear that this is just a struggle many of us will deal with. I am grateful that today we had a great detailed scan, and finally being able to see baby looking like a baby feels so good. There's a very peaceful feeling seeing the heart beating and the baby moving around and just living a whole life in there. Will try to hold on to this feeling, even though I know I'll have those anxious days, too.  

etnyah

Aaaand that's why we can't move to a private group fast enough. Using a pregnancy loss safe space thread to shamelessly plug a website is low, even for a bot.

trubaby411

@etnyah 100%. Couldn't agree more. 

ladyofarlington

Today was my due date for the baby I lost earlier this year. It is not lost on me that I would not have my current pregnancy if I had not lost that one. I am so thankful and happy for my current pregnancy and filled with hope this baby will join us Earth-side as a healthy, happy baby, yet part of me still grieves the baby I lost. That’s normal, right? Hormones, man! 

etnyah

@ladyofarlington totally normal! So many mixed feelings. I remember getting to the due date of my first loss while pregnant with my son, I was just getting out of the first trimester and we were happy and announcing it to people, at the same time I kept thinking “but I should have had a newborn now”. It’s so weird to feel happy and sad at the same time.

trubaby411

@ladyofarlington definitely normal. We have friends who had their 1st child right at the same time our first would have been born, so we have a constant reminder of how old our babe would have been if they had made it earth side. I'm definitely grateful for this LO and hopefully she will be our rainbow, but it hits hard sometimes... especially with all the hormones!

scaredunprepared

@ladyofarlington @etnyah and @trubaby411 I can imagine how difficult those moments must have been.  But definitely happy you ladies are here with us

returning_bump_member

@ladyofarlington echoing what the other ladies said, it's completely normal.
I went through a slew of emotions with both losses because my best friend had twins the week of my first miscarriage, a family member announced her pregnancy when I had my second miscarriage and 2 different gfs gave birth the week I would have been due with both of my babies. 
I read a line that a baby can't be "replaced"  and being grateful for one does not diminish the grief for another. (I'm still working through it myself.) 

Sending lots of hugs!