@pangolindrome I know I answered this a bit in the Weekly Check-In thread, but just wanted to add for other mamas here expressing similar feelings. In my work as a bridal stylist I hear body insecurities from every single body type that walks into our shop. Bodies are transient, and it seems that no matter how they change we will always find something we don't love. It doesn't have anything to do with our actual body, it has everything to do with how we've been taught that our body's value is in how it looks rather than in what it does, and that beauty only fits one mould. Getting beyond that is really really hard. I swear all of my clients are at their most beautiful when they stop analyzing themselves and are just present in the skin they're in, in whatever joy or vulnerability they're experiencing in the moment. I guarantee you that at many points in your pregnancy someone around you, who you may or may not even know, will be in awe of how beautiful you are. Totally normal if your brain does not let you think of yourself that way, or maybe you'll only feel that in fleeting moments. Self-love and body positivity or even body neutrality is a major major journey, often involving therapy, and it's one I'm definitely on too.
For the record, mamas, you are beautiful in every transition you go through, before, during and after pregnancy. If you forget that, the people who love you most should be reinforcing that message. If they don't, ask me. My job is literally to be a hype person. I'm happy to mirror back what makes you shine.
@krthouse I had a hard enough time responding in the other thread but wow, the love here really makes me tear up even more. I accepted a couple of years ago that I love my body because of what it can do, which is just about anything I could possibly want of AND MORE. For me, I think it’s the forced change. Growing up with celiac, I had a lot of pain and body-related things I could not control, and so giving up the control again has been really difficult even if it’s just the mental aspect of accepting it.
I guarantee you that at many points in your pregnancy someone around you, who you may or may not even know, will be in awe of how beautiful you are.
I agree @krthouse that your message is so, so beautiful. I've struggled with different body issues throughout my life, and I'm not sure how I will react to pregnancy, but I found so much comfort and love in your message. Thank you
@pangolindrome Losing control is a huge trigger for me too. It's why low appetite and food aversions really affect me emotionally because outside of pregnancy food has always been a reliable comfort that I can control. Good for you for identifying that reasoning! Maybe if you have moments of feeling negatively about your body you can say "my body is still beautiful, I just miss having control"
@pangolindrome fellow Celiac here. I wasn’t diagnosed until my early 20’s but I totally understand the pain and body-related things. I found there were days that I loved my body while pregnant, and hated my body while pregnant. I tried to focus on what my body was doing (giving life to a human), but then also trying to find styles that I felt flattered my changing body at the same time. This time, I’m trying to be more aware of what I’m eating (like I did with my first) and not go to the gluten free baker every other weekend (like I did with my 2nd and 3rd). I’ll admit as well that I have more body issues in months 2+ after giving birth than I do while pregnant. It’s the undue pressure of getting back to prepregnancy size, and I’m one of the few women that doesn’t lose weight while nursing.
What @krthouse said was beautiful, and something to remember throughout this whole journey.
Love everything already said and agree with it all.
But one thing that REALLY gets me through when I’m feeling uncomfortable in my skin or feeling like my body isn’t mine is remembering that I am never STUCK. You are not stuck. You are not here forever. You can actively work to get to your happy place. Yes it’s hard work, but it gives you something for YOU. It gives you goals and milestones that aren’t for the baby or spouse, they’re intimately yours. I’ve learned so much about myself by setting health/wellness goals and seeing them through. did I end up with a “better” body? Sure. But I ended up with a stronger mind, confidence, and a whole lot of pride. That matters more than the scale or the mirror. I’m content on the inside. You’re not stuck, this isn’t forever, you can set goals and obtain them. It takes time but guess what? Time passes whether you’re working your little booty off or not. So might as well work for it 💗💗 I was pregnant or breastfeeding for 2.5 years straight. Trust me, I know the feeling of losing myself. My body was for everyone else except me. Getting my body back to myself was literally the most self rewarding thing ever!! I’m actually excited to get to that postpartum place where I have work to do again. I know it’ll be okay bc it’s not permanent and it gives me my own little goals and world to focus on outside of baby.
Have any of you STMs gotten extra ultrasounds done outside of your OB office? Currently 13w, my last US was at 6w5d and they’ve told me I won’t have another until the anatomy scan at 18w5d. It’s such a long wait! Just curious if I should ask to have another just because or if I should look at independent US places?
@robbinsegg317 this is actually not all that uncommon. A lot of my friends only have maybe two their whole pregnancy if they opt out of the NT scan. Unless they suspect something is going on then they don't tend to do them if everything seems okay. I've had friends go to the independent places. I never have. I would honestly just ask my doctor. I always end up with a lot because I bleed frequently and heavily and because they have to watch the growth etc. I'm having a lot of anxiety this pregnancy so I plan on asking for more frequent ultrasounds/ appointments until I can feel the baby moving for reassurance.
@krysnicole1022 yes I called and asked about another ultrasound for peace of mind and they said they’d do it! It would be out of pocket but I honestly don’t care, I just want that reassurance!
I haven’t done a regular ultrasound but there are so many 3D options around town. I did 3D ones with my girls bc my OB doesn’t do them. Some have packages where you can get 2-3 over the course of the pregnancy. The cutest 3D is like weeks 28-34 but you can do others just to see the little alien baby
How do you mamas deal with all the daycare infections? Since getting pregnant I've had COVID, 2 gastros (last one which had me vomiting from 6pm last night to 6am this morning) and 2 colds. I literally catch every thing this kiddo brings home. I'm exhausted and now losing weight on top of already not having gained anything 🤦 I'm hoping with spring around the corner maybe less viruses will circulate and I'll get a break but it's been brutal...
To some extent it’s unavoidable. But sanitizing your kids hands as soon as you pick them up and then being super diligent about hand washing as soon as you get home is so helpful. Let’s be honest: how many of us with 1-2+ kids actually head straight to the sink and wash hands? Along with bringing in the bags, the lunch box, your tired kid….but there’s a reason they tell us frequent hand washing prevents illness.
We’ve stopped wearing shoes in the house too. Take them off at the door. I wasn’t always strict on this but now I am because you can only control what you can control.
Yeah we don't wear shoes in the house but we have a dog and two cats, one of which spends time outside as well so that probably doesn't help. I've tried always doing handwashing when we get home, it's not perfect but we try. It's just that once he catches something he's glued to me like a monkey so I feel like I literally have no chance to avoid any of these infections. When I wasn't pregnant it was brutal but survivable, but now it's a double hit
I homeschool my oldest but my 5 year old desperately wants to go to kindergarten. I sanitize in the car before and after we go anywhere. All three of them just hold their hands out now. That's the best I can do but once they have it watch out. My children do not like cuddling even when they are sick. They just want to be left alone to suffer for the hour they are tired before they are bouncing off the walls again.
Asking completely hypothetically and for the sake of my over planning brain, what's been your experience with the age gap between your kiddos? I've seen a wide range in the discussions here and I'm really curious about how it is balancing multiple kids at different ages. Was there an age with your first kid or second kid when you thought "I could take on another one" or is life generally pretty chaotic no matter what?
A teeny bit of background, I'm pregnant with my first kid and my husband and I have often talked about having 5 kiddos. Ideally I'd like to have them all by 40 (I'm 26 now) but I don't want to just knock them all out and then basically drown for the next 10 years of my life... I'm also less set on the number 5 and kind of just want to have however many kids come out until we feel like we're done. So that's another question, obviously we're all pregnant here so it's a little bit of a weird question, but is there a point when you know you're done having kids?
My apologies for my rambling questions 🤣 the reality of taking care of another human being is kind of terrifying me at the moment. And then my husband made a comment about trying for a kid when this one is a year old and I don't think I've ever shut down a conversation so fast 😬😬😬
Honestly I would just see how it goes. I'm on baby number four. My husband was done after our third and I accepted that but last year we both had the urge for another. Our first and second are three years apart. Our second and third are 18 months apart. Our third will be 4.5 years from our fourth. The age difference between our oldest and youngest will be 9 years. I felt like the 3 years was too far (our plan was to have them closer but it didn't work out that way for us) and I love having the little two so close BUT it does a number in your body. They recommend 18 months between pregnancies for a reason.
@wileybliss - honestly, I think it depends on your children and your parenting lifestyle. I have friends that have babies super close & some that have them super far apart. Our first daughter was a miracle & we started trying for a second before she turned 2 and she’s now 4.5. We didn’t know it would take so long & had hoped for a 2nd to come sooner but our daughter is SO excited to be a big sister and we know she’s ready for a sibling so it doesn’t feel like too long. Some kids just aren’t ready for a sibling right away and you don’t know ahead of time that you’d be ready either.
Any other STM+ feel baby yet? I had a vivid dream about it last night and can honestly feel something but with all the gas it’s hard to trust myself 😂
@wileybliss My first two are just under 2 years apart and when I give birth this time it will be 2.5 years in between. As the other mom’s have said, it probably will depend on your style and your kids. The 2ish age gap has worked well because I feel like my kids start to understand what’s going on better. I don’t have experience with larger age gaps though.
@cfranx I have a few “flutters” but I’m not trusting it either. 😆
@wileybliss we started trying right when DD turned one and it took us over 3 years, multiple tests and procedures, and 4 IUIs to conceive this baby, when we got pregnant with DD relatively easily. I can’t say that I’ve ever really felt “ready” for another, but I’m glad we started trying when we did since we had so many issues. So I guess what I’m saying is, I think planning for a certain age gap is useless because you really don’t know what’s going to happen.
Also, we will see how I feel in the future but right now I do feel like this is our last baby. I’ll be 39 when the baby is born so I think that might be contributing to that feeling but I do feel really at peace with it.
@wileybliss I think there’s a lot to consider. From a physical/recovery perspective, I’ve found 2 years to be a good gap. I had 18 months between my 1st and 2nd, and I’d never suggest it to anyone. My second pregnancy was SOOOO much harder than my first because my body hadn’t fully recovered. I also felt worse postpartum. I had 2 years and 1 week between my second and third, and it was a lot easier for me. I’ll have a little over 2.5 years between my 3rd and 4th/final, and so far I’ve felt pretty good.
Another thing to consider is that every kid is different. My 1st was a super easy baby (hence his sister being born so quickly after him) but now has other things that have made him more challenging. My 2nd was not the most fun infant, and is my “most” child. Most caring, most infuriating, most talkative, most everything. My 3rd is a bull in a china shop.
My husband had felt done after 3. We had talked about how many kids we wanted before we got married. I wanted 4 and he wanted 2, so we settled on 3, but he never closed the door on a 4th. Over the past year we hard started talking about it more seriously, and decided to go for a 4th. We’re done after this because I’m 35, and the women in my family have a history of a lot of complications with pregnancy later in life, and 4 seems like the max of what we can handle from a financial and mental capacity standpoint. I’ve found that around 6-12 months postpartum baby fever hits, and that I need to ignore it then. If it continues after a few months, then I’m not as likely to be done. I know other women that have felt the same way, and then when they get to 18-24 months it fades and that’s how they know they’re done.
You truly won’t know until you have kids!! The number will shift for your family. As far as age gap goes, don’t overthink it. My first two are 19 months apart (second baby was a surprise) and I absolutely love every bit of their gap. Has it been hard some days? Absolutely. Do moms with 3 year gaps say it’s been hard some days? Absolutely. So the difference is just something we all deal with and there’s pros/cons no matter the split. So when you feel ready mentally & physically, you go for it! Took me so much longer to come around to the idea of baby #3 so the gap is 3 years between the youngest two. Literally double the gap. But that’s what felt right. Will it be hard some days? Absolutely.
as far as number for me PERSONALLY— I always wanted 4 or 5, too. But there are days I look at my two girls and I have this overwhelming feeling of contentment. I’m so freaking happy with the two girls I have to the point I question why I’m getting greedy having a third. I literally have the 2 best kids in all of the world that it’s just this feeling of completeness. For every baby I have after of course I’ll feel so excited and happy. But nothing is “missing”. I felt before I got pregnant with #3 that if I couldn’t get pregnant I wouldn’t be rock bottom devastated. I love my kids. I do also feel like the more I have the more I’ll be spread thin and not as stellar as a mom (again, ME, personally). Idk if I’d be as patient and gentle 😆 and uh…I don’t even get me started with financial load of adding +1 +1 +1 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I’ll end there.
TLDR: it’s personal & it is not a decision you make now. Love your life, love your babies and things fall into place for your family.
Absolutely agreed. It's when "winging it" comes in handy. I do get baby fever once babies stop looking like babies but I'm getting my tubes tied during my c section this time so there will be no more from me.
@mckenzc everything you said rings so so true with me, too. I have so many of those same feelings looking at my 2 girls. My first two are 2 yrs 4 months apart, and my 3rd will be 2 yrs 9 months younger than my 2nd. We had talked about stopping trying and being totally content with our 2 once I turn 40, but as it turned out I got pregnant pretty quickly once my period finally came back. It was even more dramatic with baby 2–she was the product of literally my first cycle back after having my oldest (who was the product of IVF!).
Thank you all so much! It's been really comforting reading through all your experiences and I feel so much better about just taking it one day at a time. I get really excited about planning that I don't enjoy the present moment, so I'll do better with that before this one comes around so I can savor those moments with the 1 more.
Exactly that @wileybliss - enjoy right now & then enjoy your baby. It goes so incredibly fast, you have to stay present 🖤 it’ll fall into place naturally without you forcing!
**TW** sorry to say goodbye, but I want to leave a little note from a STM for new parents (and anyone, really): trust yourself to know if something is wrong or different in your body and speak up for yourself if your healthcare provider isn’t listening. It is for your children that you take care of yourself and it is so important to do so. You are important.
I think I felt something yesterday morning. FTM, 16w6d, anterior placenta. It wasn’t anything so distinctive as movement/flutters or such, but it was more like a general awareness on my uterus, I guess?
Kinda like this: uterus vs [uterus]
Does that make sense to anyone? I know that my anterior placenta means it can take a long time to feel anything. It definitely didn’t feel like gas or bowels in general, I’m really in tune with those sensations due to some past/intermittent health issues.
@pangolindrome I've had anterior placentas every time and it honestly didn't make a difference. I had definite movement by 16 weeks with my first and an anterior placenta. Full blown kicks by 17 weeks with my second. My husband could feel kicks by 17 weeks with our third. Granted he was a massive beast that already weighed 4.5 lbs by 21 weeks.
16 weeks and it’s DEFINITELY baby this week 🥹 For 2 weeks I’ve had so many one-off bubbles or thumps that were maybe baby??? But this week is undeniable. Tonight it was about 1-2 minutes of constant movement.
Been waiting for this! Such a good week for this reassurance, as my monthly check up had to be rescheduled by a full week 😩
so hang in there if you’re having “maybe baby?” moments! In 7-14 days those one offs will be undeniable 🖤🖤
@mckenzc is this your first? I’m 16+5 and haven’t felt anything although I know I’m going to regret rushing it at week 32+ when I’m wide awake at night! 🤪
I’ve been feeling movements this week, which is probably the earliest I’ve ever felt them (13 weeks with baby 4). Mostly “swooshing” feelings, if that makes sense. With my first I was about 18 weeks, and had an anterior placenta. I had an anterior with my first two, and posterior with my 3rd. I think the biggest difference was seeing the body parts move across your abdomen. It seemed more pronounced with my posterior placenta. We shall see in 4 weeks where this one is.
1) a friend of a friend recieved her epidural too early and by the time baby was ready to come out, it had worn off and they couldn't give her anymore epidural.. is this true?? How do i know when to ask for it so that I'm not in the same situation? Is there a limit on how much or for how long you can stay on it?
2) i saw a tiktok today about leaking at 17 weeks.... I had to think a lot about what that leaking was and I think the tiktok implied breast milk? Is this true??? A new fear has been unlocked
3) i pick up new worries at each stage of my pregnancy... The topic of worry this week has been an insufficient cervix .. i have been experiencing light cramping that is on and off and not too consistent throughout the day.. also have been experiencing terrible back pain, and I did not have any back pain prior to the pregnancy... While I've read that these are all normal symptoms.. I'm also just overly anxious about everything.. my first appt witht my OB isn't until week 20.... The only way to find peace would be to go to the emergency but I'm also dreading the 8 hours+ wait at the hospital and the pain is not THAT bad.... Does it progress in terms of level of pain? Or do you just know something isnt right...
I am completely new to this and still googling my way through acronyms on this app, apologies if any of these have been answered here already.
@libra_lilly hey there! 1) I had a continuous epidural that could be adjusted. It was a blessing because I had two emergency c sections and that made it so they could get the baby out faster. Now with my planned c section the spinal block (not the same as epidural) wore off and I could literally feel them sewing me up but I couldn't move. It was terrible. 2) you can leak colostrum not breast milk. This does not happen to every woman. Breast milk comes in after the baby is born. It can take a few days for that to happen. 3) cramping is your new frenemy. So is back pain. Your body is doing some real internal gymnastics to make room for your expanding uterus and it's buddy. I don't think I've stopped cramping since conception. My bigger worry is why you don't see your OB for the first time until 20 weeks? That's not the standard of care. You should have had 2-3 by now.
@krysnicole1022 thank you for the detailed response! Is there anything you could've done or would plan ahead and ensure if you were in a similar situation for the spinal block? Its weird here, I'm from Toronto area and I called around, no OB was willing to see me before 18 weeks at the earliest unless i was "high-risk" so then i i just went with the one nearest to home and the hospital of choice with positive reviews
@libra_lilly I actually ended up needing a bladder repair during the c section which is why it wore off. The actual c section part went smoothly except for having to call in extra nurses to heave my 10lb+ baby out of my very stretched out uterus. 🤣🤣🤣 I'll bring it up with my doctor this time before my c section. I'm having my tubes tied so I don't know if they will do something else. I will say that post spinal block I was able to hold my baby as they wheeled me out of the O.R. I couldn't do that after my c sections with the epidural because it made me cold and shaky. They had to put me in this full body heated tent I was so cold. That's crazy. I'm in the states and they have you come in between 6-8 weeks and then a month later and then usually a month after that. Did the hospital do an ultrasound when you went?
Re: Ask a STM+ Thread
For the record, mamas, you are beautiful in every transition you go through, before, during and after pregnancy. If you forget that, the people who love you most should be reinforcing that message. If they don't, ask me. My job is literally to be a hype person. I'm happy to mirror back what makes you shine.
For me, I think it’s the forced change. Growing up with celiac, I had a lot of pain and body-related things I could not control, and so giving up the control again has been really difficult even if it’s just the mental aspect of accepting it.
I've had friends go to the independent places. I never have. I would honestly just ask my doctor. I always end up with a lot because I bleed frequently and heavily and because they have to watch the growth etc. I'm having a lot of anxiety this pregnancy so I plan on asking for more frequent ultrasounds/ appointments until I can feel the baby moving for reassurance.
A teeny bit of background, I'm pregnant with my first kid and my husband and I have often talked about having 5 kiddos. Ideally I'd like to have them all by 40 (I'm 26 now) but I don't want to just knock them all out and then basically drown for the next 10 years of my life... I'm also less set on the number 5 and kind of just want to have however many kids come out until we feel like we're done. So that's another question, obviously we're all pregnant here so it's a little bit of a weird question, but is there a point when you know you're done having kids?
My apologies for my rambling questions 🤣 the reality of taking care of another human being is kind of terrifying me at the moment. And then my husband made a comment about trying for a kid when this one is a year old and I don't think I've ever shut down a conversation so fast 😬😬😬
@cfranx I have a few “flutters” but I’m not trusting it either. 😆
as far as number for me PERSONALLY— I always wanted 4 or 5, too. But there are days I look at my two girls and I have this overwhelming feeling of contentment. I’m so freaking happy with the two girls I have to the point I question why I’m getting greedy having a third. I literally have the 2 best kids in all of the world that it’s just this feeling of completeness. For every baby I have after of course I’ll feel so excited and happy. But nothing is “missing”. I felt before I got pregnant with #3 that if I couldn’t get pregnant I wouldn’t be rock bottom devastated. I love my kids. I do also feel like the more I have the more I’ll be spread thin and not as stellar as a mom (again, ME, personally). Idk if I’d be as patient and gentle 😆 and uh…I don’t even get me started with financial load of adding +1 +1 +1 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I’ll end there.
It wasn’t anything so distinctive as movement/flutters or such, but it was more like a general awareness on my uterus, I guess?
uterus
vs
[uterus]
I know that my anterior placenta means it can take a long time to feel anything. It definitely didn’t feel like gas or bowels in general, I’m really in tune with those sensations due to some past/intermittent health issues.
so hang in there if you’re having “maybe baby?” moments! In 7-14 days those one offs will be undeniable 🖤🖤
3) i pick up new worries at each stage of my pregnancy... The topic of worry this week has been an insufficient cervix .. i have been experiencing light cramping that is on and off and not too consistent throughout the day.. also have been experiencing terrible back pain, and I did not have any back pain prior to the pregnancy... While I've read that these are all normal symptoms.. I'm also just overly anxious about everything.. my first appt witht my OB isn't until week 20.... The only way to find peace would be to go to the emergency but I'm also dreading the 8 hours+ wait at the hospital and the pain is not THAT bad.... Does it progress in terms of level of pain? Or do you just know something isnt right...
1) I had a continuous epidural that could be adjusted. It was a blessing because I had two emergency c sections and that made it so they could get the baby out faster. Now with my planned c section the spinal block (not the same as epidural) wore off and I could literally feel them sewing me up but I couldn't move. It was terrible.
2) you can leak colostrum not breast milk. This does not happen to every woman. Breast milk comes in after the baby is born. It can take a few days for that to happen.
3) cramping is your new frenemy. So is back pain. Your body is doing some real internal gymnastics to make room for your expanding uterus and it's buddy. I don't think I've stopped cramping since conception. My bigger worry is why you don't see your OB for the first time until 20 weeks? That's not the standard of care. You should have had 2-3 by now.
Its weird here, I'm from Toronto area and I called around, no OB was willing to see me before 18 weeks at the earliest unless i was "high-risk" so then i i just went with the one nearest to home and the hospital of choice with positive reviews
That's crazy. I'm in the states and they have you come in between 6-8 weeks and then a month later and then usually a month after that. Did the hospital do an ultrasound when you went?