@blaf322It's truly bizarre. Like, how old are you again? Can you please act like it? Thanks. I could maybe understand one set of grandparents getting jealous if the grandkid lives super close to one set and states away from the others and the far away ones are sad they can't spend as much time with them. But in my case, MH and I purposely moved to this specific location where we live now to be right in the middle of both of our parents. We're an 8ish hour drive from both, so it's not close enough that they're coming by all the time, but we can easily get both places in a day, and they can do the same. My parents put forth the effort to come visit us regularly (like once every 4ish months probably), whereas my ILs visit once, maybe twice per year. That's not my fault. If you think it's unfair that DD sees my parents more, then maybe try making more of an effort. (Note that my parents are not retired and my ILs are...)
@stlbuckeye132 my eyes are rolling out of my head at your ILs right now. My ILs live 10 mins from us. My parents are 1.5-2hrs away, depending on which house they're at. My mom still spends more quality time with DD than they do. My dad, meh... he could try harder/make more time lol... but he also doesn't complain and DD has a good relationship with him so I don't mind.
@blaf322 so when I say "my parents" visit every few months, I really mean "my mom." lol My dad normally comes about twice/year, and my mom makes a couple solo trips usually. She's also a teacher and has a bit more of a flexible schedule/more scheduled breaks from work than my dad does. But when my dad is here, he actually spends the time with us, whereas FIL goes off to spend the day with some acquaintance he met on a T-Tour who lives in the area. Ok I'll stop now that I've officially turned this thread into my own personal venting diary about my ILs.
I'm the a-hole that hopes my inlaws get jealous. Because I don't like them and they've made very little effort to get to know me or my kids- and I assume it won't be any different with the new baby.🤷♀️
@mehugg well, they live 3 hours away, so I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there. I can tell you it will be on my and DH's terms or not at all. His dad came down here a month ago or so and wanted to go fishing with my husband, and my husband was upset that he didn't include the kids or me, and said he could come and make the effort to see us all, or not come at all. The kids were actually at their dad's that weekend, and I had already made plans with a friend for the day, but I met up with them for supper. I can smile and be friendly, but I also can be honest about no longer caring if I have a relationship with them at all. 🤷♀️
I thought my in laws were odd at but some of the stuff above..yowsas.
- My MIL got me lingerie for my bridal shower and asked a few times if I'd worn it yet.
- the first question after we called to say DS was born was if I tore? How many stitches. She asked that a few times
- FIL asked about my stomach going down at 8 days postpartum...
- 3 weeks before our wedding FIL lightly pounded his fist on table that we must consummate the marriage 😬
- MIL asked how old I was when my mom died. I said 21 and she then said I wasn't young like her husband and his siblings and how it wasn't as bad....She brought it up and has no clue my growing up. I don't focus on it but thinking back we had a strong family through tough times. My mom was sick my entire life with 5 kids and my dad is a saint. But whatever.
- when we visit in laws they sometimes like to point out the guest shower is large enough for DH and I both to shower in. DH is like that's okay 🤣
My in laws are very loving and generous with time and helping out but sometimes say odd stuff.
@busymom247 your ILs sound way too interested in your vagina and sex life... wtf. Also, I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive your MIL for that comment about your mom. I'm sorry.
@busymom247 holy awkward... and super rude. Yikes.
ETA I looked away when my MIL gave my SIL something even bordering on lingerie for her bridal shower... I'm pretty sure I would have exploded out of embarrassment if she'd done that at mine
Last night H's parents and my mom came over so we could watch D eat a cupcake to reveal baby was a girl. IL's had to call H's 2 sisters and have them on facetime during the "reveal". I get that this a totally normal thing, but it just felt like there was a LOT going on. Like they kept trying to talk to D while she was trying to eat the cupcake lol. I think it would have been more enjoyable to be alone with D. (She was super excited, but again, eating the cupcake, everyone kept talking and she kept getting cut off on what she wanted to say-it was frustrating). THEN one of the SIL's go "Lets see your belly! We haven't gotten any updates!" So I stood up and she goes "WOW YOU'RE A HOUSE! HAHAHA just kidding just kidding, you're small and always will be tiny" I was like mmmk, can we hang up yet? The other SIL asked what the name would be and D says "JASMINE!" (we were watching Aladdin, that is not the name lol). And they thought she said Diamond and everyone kept calling the baby Diamond and it was really annoying for some reason! Also, my mom said "well I was hoping for a boy but we know YOU'RE happy about it".. Not once did I say I was hoping for a girl, but I have mentioned how a girl would be easier and I was nervous about a boy because it'd be so different than what life has been for 5 years. I would have been super happy to have a boy! Then she kept saying "well there's always next time!" Lol, I'm actually laughing typing this because I realize how ridiculous this all sounds. My IL's are super fun and great and I've always felt lucky to have them. It was just a lot and my hormones weren't having it last night.
@mrs_sheddy the opinions on the sex of my baby annoy me to no end. That last one would have gotten me. The level of excitement my MIL showed over "being able to pass on the family name" almost made my eyes roll out of my head. Cool your jets lady. Your H's family name has made exactly zero major impact on society. No one is impacted by my son carrying on your last name.
@mrs_sheddy I'm overwhelmed reading all that went on during your evening lol so maybe it is hormones and I have them too lol! And @blaf322 good lord I don't think I'd have been able to hold my tongue if my MIL said that... and if this baby is a boy there's a likelihood that either she or FIL will say exactly that... so I'll report back
Speaking of which, I didn't take my husband's name, which my in laws never actually made a negative comment about and generally respected, even if they are more "traditional" and were surprised at first. They send us a Christmas card every year and would actually address it to both my name and my husband's name, which I appreciated (many people were not as respectful/clearly didn't care to notice that they were addressing it wrong). BUT after we had DD, we suddenly became "The *DH last name* Family" on cards/anything else from them. It annoys me. Like, I had a kid with his last name so now I disappeared? Makes me want to give this baby my last name...
@meanjellybean my sister kept our name and gave her son BIL's last name too. I NEVER know how to address shit to them. I'm guilty of doing "The ____ Family" because I just cannot fit all their names on the envelope otherwise! Also I asked my mom and she told me it was fine to address it that way. I guess maybe I should ask my sister... haha
@stlbuckeye132 she may not care! But I always feel like my identity is just being absorbed into my husband and child.. I'm my own person over here! How does she sign cards from her family? What do they put in the return address? We have a stamp that has both of our names, first and last, so I feel like that's a good indication of how we'd like to be addressed.
@meanjellybean I kept my last name it's unique and I like it. The baby will have my last name vs. wife's name. It's still an extra leg step in our state to add both of ours names to a child (same-sex couple who are legally married).
@bluguitarhannah how did you decide on your last name for the baby? Making an assumption here, but I would think with same sex couples there's more of a discussion about which last name (assuming the parents didn't hyphenate and don't want to hyphenate the baby's last name), whereas with heterosexual couples it's always assumed that the baby will get the father's last name, which I hate. My best friend actually gave her daughter her last name (they plan to have two kids so the second will have his last name), and I wish I'd had the courage to do that but I wussed out.
@meanjellybean For now, the decision was largely based on the legal default. I'm the one giving birth and therefore I can add that name without extra steps. It wasn't a big deal to my wife and we can still add a hyphen if we want when we formalize a 2nd parent adoption. Unfortunately, where we live if we don't eventually take the 2nd parent adoption step there are rights that she could be denied.
@bluguitarhannah wow, you will have to go through the process of a second parent adoption even though you are married? That seems like an extra layer that your state needs to do away with, in my opinion!
@meanjellybean Yes, unfortunately, law impacting parents' rights changed very little in some states when same-sex marriage became legal. I'm in a circuit that has been even more limited in their interpretations so it's a pain.
My FIL arrives on Saturday for a week long vacation with us to spend time with DD. He is a very nice person, but he likes to gamble a little too much (I also live in a very pro-gambling area and it is readily available). He’s never been out here before without my SIL, and I’m just afraid I’m not going to know what to do with him. And bless DH, he has a very short fuse with FIL, so I have a feeling I will be the buffer all week.
@bluguitarhannah my cousin and his husband did a cool mashup last name combining parts of each after they got married. They're in CO. But, they don't plan to have kids so if CO has lame adoption rules they aren't affected. Sorry you are having to think about/deal with those things!
I guess I can see how it would be a little complicated to address the rights of non-biological parents, regardless of sex. But since no one *has* to provide information on a biological father, it seems like you should be able to "nominate" your spouse as parent #2, regardless of sex (unless the biological father is trying to claim rights also.) It only gets tricky when one half of a biological "pair" is trying to cut out the other half without their consent, and there are already things in place to address that.
@stlbuckeye132 I just use first names! Or you could do "Parent 1, Parent 2, and family," or first name only for your nephew.
2/13 Blighted ovum, D&C -- 6/13 MC -- 8/14 DD born -- 3/17 MC -- 9/18 DD2 born Expecting again -- EDD 7/27/20
I’m chiming in here, but we live across the country from both sets of parents. Also my parents are wayyyy crazier than my in-laws, and generally I like my in-laws. However...
When discussing their trip out to see the baby after it is born, my in-laws informed me that they are going to be bringing their new puppy (they’re getting it in the spring). They had another dog who died last year, but wasn’t well trained, and had a habit of relieving itself inside my house. This was irritating when we didn’t have a baby, but not going to fly when we do. I have 2 dogs who never do that, and I cannot tolerate someone else’s dog shitting in my house, particularly when I’m trying to recover and nurse a newborn.
And on the topic of nursing - my MIL did not nurse either of her kids (no judgement on that), but both MIL and FIL made it clear that they were uncomfortable with that, and would like me to warn them before I start nursing, so they can go take a walk. I was pretty offended by that. Maybe I shouldn’t be, but I hate the social rhetoric that breast feeding is somehow sexual, and should be done in private. I will be making no effort to accommodate this irrational fear of my nursing breasts.
@angemtn omg I would be so annoyed by both. My ILs (who are local) have a very poorly trained dog who they insist on bringing him everywhere/never leaving him alone.
Generally I'm working on establishing boundaries with them and plan on telling them they can't bring him by for a while until I say it's okay. Easier said than done but I'd encourage you to express yourself on some of this and enlist YH's help when needed - especially on the BF stuff! I feel like it's not your responsibility to protect their sensibilities or whatever when they're in your home with a newborn. Team @angemtn!!
@angemtn wtf on both fronts lol. They can't even be in the same damn house as you while you nurse the baby? I guess they are going to be getting a lot of exercise
My MIL didn't nurse either but never really made negative comments, which I appreciated. I remember her telling me how she wanted to nurse but got mastitis the first time, and never wanted to do it again (totally understandable). She was actually very sweet any time it came up. She said how she was so proud of me and how I worked so hard (pumping at work, etc), which was so nice to hear. FIL on the other hand would constantly be like "so when does the breastfeeding end?" starting at like 4 months lol.
@angemtn NOPE. Time to put your foot down and tell your ILs that you will have enough on your hands and they can leave the dog at home. My ILs tried to pull that "oh we're bringing the dog with us" crap too, and I love dogs, but no. Their dog is HUGE and horribly behaved and there is no reason he needs to come with them. So they know better than to try now. Also, wtf to them about BFing. That's a them problem and you don't have to do anything to accommodate it.
@angemtn that whole thing is ridiculous.BF should be based off what YOU'RE comfortable doing, not others. And the dog thing bothers me too. We once watched my inlaws new puppy for a couple days who was also poorly bathroom trained (still is 3 years later) that is the worst thing. Great you let your dog shit on your floors, but it shouldn't be on mine.
Your boobs, your house, your baby, your rules! How absolutely ridiculous of them to not only make that request but to make it months in advance. The baby’s only halfway cooked and they’re already thinking about how it will make them feel to be around you nursing? SELFISH. On that note, I really hope that the older generation’s outdated view of breastfeeding being an unnatural, “gross” thing is on its way to being a thing of the past.
@stlbuckeye132 yup - my dad has 2 daughters, 3 nieces, and 2 granddaughters (and no sons, nephews, or grandsons). We still don't know what sex my #3 is going to be, but he recently said, "I'm going to have no idea what to do with this one if it's a boy!" He'll obviously love it either way - but I'm also super sick of the notion that every man needs a boy to be happy.
My grandmother, on the other hand (who passed when I was pregnant with my first) had 2 daughters, 4 granddaughters, and since she passed has had 3 great-granddaughters... she'd probably be so annoyed at our family's complete inability to have boys!
Wow, I thought I was totally overreacting! I’m so glad to hear that I’m not the only one who would he irritated by this. I am going to try to make sure I’m keeping peace, but also be true to myself - I’ll be breastfeeding when and where I want/baby needs, and I will not tolerate a puppy pooping on my floor.
Ok can this be a “parents” thread also? We are having a boy (did a sneak peak test months ago, but find out for sure tomorrow at our AS), and have had a name picked for him for a long time - it is a meaningful name for us. And I haven’t told my mom. But of course she texts me out of the blue tonight to say she’s so excited to find out the gender tomorrow. And also, that she and my dad hope we don’t name our child Jack if he’s a boy (he is, and we are). My last name is Hammer. So she sends 4 texts laughing about how funny it would be if I named my son Jack Hammer, and then tells me about a guy she dated in high school named Jack who broke her heart and was a complete jerk. And then I’m compelled to tell her that if it is a boy, his name is going to be Jackson James Hammer. So JackHammer for short. And we love it. I just cannot believe that my mom of all people has said every dumb cliche thing that people say to pregnant people. This was all unsolicited. I didn’t even tell her that we had a name picked until she said all that. I’m so mad.
Re: The in-law thread
My ILs live 10 mins from us. My parents are 1.5-2hrs away, depending on which house they're at. My mom still spends more quality time with DD than they do. My dad, meh... he could try harder/make more time lol... but he also doesn't complain and DD has a good relationship with him so I don't mind.
- My MIL got me lingerie for my bridal shower and asked a few times if I'd worn it yet.
- the first question after we called to say DS was born was if I tore? How many stitches. She asked that a few times
- FIL asked about my stomach going down at 8 days postpartum...
- 3 weeks before our wedding FIL lightly pounded his fist on table that we must consummate the marriage 😬
- MIL asked how old I was when my mom died. I said 21 and she then said I wasn't young like her husband and his siblings and how it wasn't as bad....She brought it up and has no clue my growing up. I don't focus on it but thinking back we had a strong family through tough times. My mom was sick my entire life with 5 kids and my dad is a saint. But whatever.
- when we visit in laws they sometimes like to point out the guest shower is large enough for DH and I both to shower in. DH is like that's okay 🤣
My in laws are very loving and generous with time and helping out but sometimes say odd stuff.
ETA I looked away when my MIL gave my SIL something even bordering on lingerie for her bridal shower... I'm pretty sure I would have exploded out of embarrassment if she'd done that at mine
IL's had to call H's 2 sisters and have them on facetime during the "reveal". I get that this a totally normal thing, but it just felt like there was a LOT going on. Like they kept trying to talk to D while she was trying to eat the cupcake lol. I think it would have been more enjoyable to be alone with D. (She was super excited, but again, eating the cupcake, everyone kept talking and she kept getting cut off on what she wanted to say-it was frustrating).
THEN one of the SIL's go "Lets see your belly! We haven't gotten any updates!" So I stood up and she goes "WOW YOU'RE A HOUSE! HAHAHA just kidding just kidding, you're small and always will be tiny" I was like mmmk, can we hang up yet?
The other SIL asked what the name would be and D says "JASMINE!" (we were watching Aladdin, that is not the name lol). And they thought she said Diamond and everyone kept calling the baby Diamond and it was really annoying for some reason!
Also, my mom said "well I was hoping for a boy but we know YOU'RE happy about it".. Not once did I say I was hoping for a girl, but I have mentioned how a girl would be easier and I was nervous about a boy because it'd be so different than what life has been for 5 years. I would have been super happy to have a boy! Then she kept saying "well there's always next time!"
Lol, I'm actually laughing typing this because I realize how ridiculous this all sounds. My IL's are super fun and great and I've always felt lucky to have them. It was just a lot and my hormones weren't having it last night.
@stlbuckeye132 I just use first names! Or you could do "Parent 1, Parent 2, and family," or first name only for your nephew.
Expecting again -- EDD 7/27/20
When discussing their trip out to see the baby after it is born, my in-laws informed me that they are going to be bringing their new puppy (they’re getting it in the spring). They had another dog who died last year, but wasn’t well trained, and had a habit of relieving itself inside my house. This was irritating when we didn’t have a baby, but not going to fly when we do. I have 2 dogs who never do that, and I cannot tolerate someone else’s dog shitting in my house, particularly when I’m trying to recover and nurse a newborn.
And on the topic of nursing - my MIL did not nurse either of her kids (no judgement on that), but both MIL and FIL made it clear that they were uncomfortable with that, and would like me to warn them before I start nursing, so they can go take a walk. I was pretty offended by that. Maybe I shouldn’t be, but I hate the social rhetoric that breast feeding is somehow sexual, and should be done in private. I will be making no effort to accommodate this irrational fear of my nursing breasts.
Generally I'm working on establishing boundaries with them and plan on telling them they can't bring him by for a while until I say it's okay. Easier said than done but I'd encourage you to express yourself on some of this and enlist YH's help when needed - especially on the BF stuff! I feel like it's not your responsibility to protect their sensibilities or whatever when they're in your home with a newborn. Team @angemtn!!
My MIL didn't nurse either but never really made negative comments, which I appreciated. I remember her telling me how she wanted to nurse but got mastitis the first time, and never wanted to do it again (totally understandable). She was actually very sweet any time it came up. She said how she was so proud of me and how I worked so hard (pumping at work, etc), which was so nice to hear. FIL on the other hand would constantly be like "so when does the breastfeeding end?" starting at like 4 months lol.
I think @mrs_sheddy summed it up quite nicely 👏🏻
Your boobs, your house, your baby, your rules! How absolutely ridiculous of them to not only make that request but to make it months in advance. The baby’s only halfway cooked and they’re already thinking about how it will make them feel to be around you nursing? SELFISH.
On that note, I really hope that the older generation’s outdated view of breastfeeding being an unnatural, “gross” thing is on its way to being a thing of the past.
My grandmother, on the other hand (who passed when I was pregnant with my first) had 2 daughters, 4 granddaughters, and since she passed has had 3 great-granddaughters... she'd probably be so annoyed at our family's complete inability to have boys!