Wondering if any STM+ have any insight on how the birth of your first baby affected your marriage. I've heard that it can put a real strain on a relationship, and it makes sense. Stress and sleep deprivation can bring out the worst in us, and with the baby requiring so much, I can see how making time and effort for the relationship could be challenging. Any advice?
@blueskychicago12 I don’t think the newborn stage really had any affect on our marriage. Not to say parenting hasn’t made changes. Like I assume any other marriage, there are definitely ups and downs. When our kids were younger (8&6) it was harder to go out and do stuff just the two of us, and I admit that part scares/upset me. The biggest challenge for us, in our relationship has been the stress from having 2 special needs children, but now we are so used to it, and generally have everything under control ( or at least know things will get better soon) I feel like our marriage is stronger than ever.
@blueskychicago12 we found it hard. I probably had some PPD so in addition to my husband being stressed he was worried about me. He pushed a lot for me to do things like have my mom come over and hang out during the day. I didn’t. I will this time. He also pushed me to nap more. I will this time. We have made a concerted effort to have regular date nights. Sometimes we slip but we try. That’s helped a lot but we are lucky with lots of family around to babysit. We found a new normal. It took a bit. And it keeps evolving.
@blueskychicago12 communication about feelings (and everything else) was really key for us. And listening, understanding, and not going on defense. Regular date night is also important to stay connected. It doesn’t have to be going out, but could be making a special dinner or desert for after the baby is in bed and then game night or movie.
@blueskychicago12 I found the first few months with my daughter definitely affected my marriage. Not to the point where we ever considered separating.. but tensions and stress were higher. (My story in spoiler, since it's long.)
PP hormones affected how I felt about my partner... it was weird. I still had love for him, but didn't want to be intimate (not just sex... but even cuddling sometimes annoyed me. I didn't push him away... but I remember feeling super annoyed for no reason.) Eventually these feelings went away and went back to normal... but it was weird.
We also clashed over responsibilities- I felt like I was doing 90% of the stuff for baby, which frustrated me. His take on it was- he was making up for the other things I didn't do- like cooking, doing dishes, taking out the trash, and tending to our special needs dog. To me... those things weren't as important as making sure baby's needs were taken care of, so I didn't care if chores did/n't get done right away. I had my hands full making sure baby was fed, her bottles were clean and filled/labeled for the next day, diaper bag was packed for daycare, pumping, bathing baby, putting baby to bed, getting up in the MOTN (I breastfed and pumped milk for daycare.), getting her and me ready to go in the morning, and I mostly took care of her on weekends when we were home. It was a lot and I felt overwhelmed. I also would get push-back when I tried to ask him for more help- which just made me resentful. We were able to work out a better division of labor so I was eventually relieved... but the tension had built up to get to that point.
The good news is, as baby grew (she's 21 months now) things got easier. She's more independent and I can walk away from her for a few minutes. He helps out more watching her when I have things to do. They play and have a great relationship. I still spend more time with her, but he basically does all the chores around the house, so I can't complain. I do wish he would take her on outings (like I do) to give me a break... but overall I'm not unhappy with our current status as parents or our relationship in the marriage.
You're about to go through a major life change- there will be bumps in the road and there will be an adjustment period. Communication is huge. If you feel overwhelmed, speak up! I'm due in November with #2 and I know we're going to go through all the growing pains all over again... except with a toddler in tow lol. This time I plan on sitting down and talking about the division of labor and responsibilities before baby arrives to make life a little easier- but I anticipate still having issues along the way. Don't be afraid to reach out for support from friends/family as well. Having my mom around has been a lifesaver when we need an extra hand. It helps take the strain off our marriage. (We even have date nights about once/ week. It may just be dinner and grocery shopping... but it's time to ourselves lol) Just know this is not forever and you will reach a new normal. But understand the road may be a little rocky at first.
@blueskychicago12 honestly, it's still affecting us. But we were a bit rocky to begin with because my husband has anxiety/depression that is untreated except for self-medication with prescription marijuana. I felt like i really lost myself as a person, and it's not an uncommon experience. I asked my other recently-became-mother friends "when did you start feeling like yourself again?" and they all knew exactly what I meant without further explanation.
Our problem (on top of sleep deprivation making us both grumpy) is that I felt like my life changed so drastically that I lost my individual self, but my husband was so used to me being a one-way support system that he a) was angry that I could no longer provide that for him and b) was unable to provide any emotional support for me. So I would be trying to vent about how difficult my day was with a baby who wouldn't eat or sleep or whatever, and he'd get upset about the fact that he had to work and was missing time with the baby and how dare I complain about getting to spend time with him when my husband couldn't. So I had no one to talk to, and any time I tired, it turned into my husband having an issue with something instead of it being about me. And on top of that, he was upset that all these other people were telling him what a great dad he was and I was like "yeah, you're doing what a parent is supposed to be doing, and you're doing a much lesser percentage of it than I am, so why the hell am I going to shower you with praise over it?!"
We did go to couples counselling for a few months before he decided it was a waste of his time, so I continued on my own for a bit. We've spent a lot of time talking about what went wrong in those days in an effort to try to prevent it from happening again with this baby, but his mental health is still not stable so I think I just have to prepare myself to be handling a lot of this on my own again. I'm really hoping that having experienced it before will make it easier the second time around.
I really appreciate hearing everyone's stories. This is a great topic, @blueskychicago12, and I wish I had thought to bring this up with some of my friends who had kids! I recommend this book: And Baby Makes Three. My husband and I read it and found it interesting and relevant to our experience.
As for us, we found the newborn stage hard. My husband was studying for his boards while in fellowship (doctor), so he had really limited time to spend with me and the baby in the beginning. He also felt a bit disconnected from the baby at first. I think this was driven by the fact that I was breastfeeding, she really was fussy about bottle feeding, and as a result he felt a bit helpless to soothe her when I was not around. However, I will say that changed dramatically. It just took a few months for him to adjust to the baby's really intense needs.
I also had severe anxiety and depression after giving birth. I was crying all of the time. I was frustrated and beating myself up for feeling the way I felt, which I thought was illogical. I thought I had no right to be sad. We are comfortable financially, we have a wonderful baby, great family, etc. Fortunately, my husband was supportive and encouraged me to get help. I would add that if you think you are experiencing PPD going to a psychiatrist or practice that actually deals with women with PPD is critical. My OB had prescribed me SSRIs but she really didn't know the right dosage.
The best things I did while on maternity leave that I think also helped our relationship were to: (1) take all the help I was offered (my mom came for a month, then my mother-in-law came for a month), (2) join a new mom group and (3) find mom and baby workout classes. Doing something for yourself and finding a way to create a community when you feel like you have been plucked out of the one you had (for me, none of my friends had kids so couldn't relate, and I had been working a really intense job) is really important.
Following up on g_gabs71016 suggestions. I found it really important that I get out of the house at least once a day. A walk, lunch with a friend, the grocery store....anything. Out of the house once a day made a big difference in my mental health. As did a daily shower. I remember the nurse during the discharge instructions told my husband to make sure I showered daily, I thought it was super weird. Turns out not so weird. It's hard to get a shower every day at first but the time alone and being clean made such a difference for me.
The first few months were rough after DS. I believe I had PPD but never mentioned anything to anyone. I wouldn’t sleep bc I was so worried DS would stop breathing, I wouldn’t let anyone watch him bc they wouldn’t do things right, I pretty much put all of the pressure on myself. I also had convinced myself DH hated me and was going to leave me. There were a lot of emotions going on, and I think if I got professional help it wouldn’t have been that bad. DH and I still fight about things regarding DS but it’s mostly because I’ve become much more relaxed and am not so scared of him getting bumped and bruised while DH has bad anxiety about this now. The best thing that helped us both was me returning to work and DS going to daycare at 12 weeks.
@blueskychicago12 it really is hard, but I think that is in part because of different expectations and thoughts on how things should be done. Something I found really helpful when we were preparing for our first was to talk about our envisioned style of parenting but both agreeing that since it was a first for us, adapting and growing our parenting style is important too. If you both work, discuss ahead of time schedules.If you have family, take advantage of their proximity and have them help watch the baby (when he/she is old enough) so you two can have dates. As unromantic as it sounds, we "reserved" my mom the first weekend of every month so we could have a date -- and sometimes that meant staying home for intimate time together. And when the baby would sleep, we would spend time together either watching a movie, playing a game, or just relaxing. It's super easy to become "isolated" in the early stages because there are certain things your SO may not be able to do (like Breast Feeding). There are also emotions you may experience, and I find it so important to be open with your SO. Discuss how you feel. If you are overwhelmed, tag them in and give yourself a few minutes to recoup.
My biggest suggestion: Set expectations on how you want to do certain things, duties, etc. and hold each other accountable. Every family is going to be different and obviously scenarios change and you have to adapt. Remember that you are all new to this, including the baby! Give your SO grace. Give the baby grace. And most importantly give yourself grace.
Married to DH for 6 years (together for 16) DS born 12.13.14 DD born 10.15.16 BFP 1.24.18, MC 3.13.18 BFP 4.25.19, EDD 12.31.19
@brrrrrrrrie Ive felt a few kicks from the outside but most of the times when I place my hand on my stomach the kicks stop. In a month or so it’ll be easier to feel from the outside.
I was reading a heavy hardcover while resting on the couch about 10 days ago and set the book near my hipbone as it was tiresome to hold. POW. I was like, was that what I thought it was? POW again. Baby was kicking the book. Ok then baby I guess we won't read about Frederick Douglass today 🤷♀️
DH has been able to feel strong kicks for the last 2-3 weeks or so. I’m 22 weeks tomorrow. The hardest part is getting him to have his hand in the right place at the right time haha.
@pennyandzooey that's absolutely the hardest part! I haven't had any strong to feel from the outside yet this time, but last time whenever I would try to get my husband to feel, baby would stop moving, or go to a completely different spot
Has anyone experienced a tender tummy while pregnant? My stomach, just below the belly button, where my uterus is, feels very tender to the touch. Kind of like it’s bruised a bit. There’s nothing visually different about it at all. I can tell it’s just surface level too - it’s definitely not an internal pain. I don’t recall doing anything that would have bruised me. Wondering if anyone else has ever experienced something similar?
@lucylivesinwa Mine is extremely tender, at night it’s worse and gets pretty painful when turning or getting out of bed. This probably isn’t helpful due to mine being caused from my vanishing twin but I wanted to let you know you’re not alone!
Anyone have experience flying internationally at or about 35-36 weeks pregnant? I'm supposed to present at an important conference in my field in Vancouver and I live in Maine (about 12 hours total travel time, with the longest flight lasting 4 hours). I know I'll need to talk to my doctor, but wanted to see if anyone has done something like this and what it was like.
@brrrrrrrrie I haven’t experienced this personally but someone asked a super similar question in my pregnancy class last week. The midwife teaching the class just said 1) get an aisle seat so you can get up and pee/walk the aisles every 30 minutes, 2) drink a TON of water during the flight, 3) go stretch at the back of the plane every hour, and 4) wear compression socks!!!
@brrrrrrrrie Some airlines restrict 3rd Tri travel before your OB would consider it unsafe to fly. Def check with your practice, but also check the policy of airline you are flying with.
The app is being clunky.... across the country at 35 weeks. My midwife said she wouldn’t clear me until the day before and that I would have to have a full plan in place with an OB lined up in the location. (Provide Name, hospital and note directly from them) and I would have to go in and be monitored the day before, urine test, and blood pressure taken. All would have to be good in order for me to be cleared. I decided it wasn’t with the hassle so I skipped the wedding and just my husband went.
@ashorkey Wow. That's intense! That would make it really difficult to plan. Thanks @mckaybaby@blueskychicago12@midgerose86 for your thoughts. I really like my OB, and think she has a similar risk threshold to me, so I'm going to check in at our next appointment. It's a good idea to also check in with the airline, though that means I have to find a flight!
@bookworm492 my dad stayed home with me when I was little. He had a few freelance jobs but mostly was home with me. We considered my husband staying home when we had a second but he got several raises since that discussion so he more than covers two daycares now.
@bookworm982 when my parents adopted my two younger sisters my dad essentially became a SAHD, my parents are both small business owners, and it made sense at the time for my dad to majorly scale back on only take on projects with his company if truly worth it (or a favor to a prior client). it's pretty cool, my parents were always very present in my opinion, but even more so with my little sisters.
@bookworm492 Hmm, I hadn't considered that aspect of it. I would guess going to "baby and me" classes might have other dads there, or there might be a local facebook group or something. I don't see any reason he couldn't just use the same social outlets that SAHM use, and if there are other dads they would likely be there as well.
@CapricaAndrea at least where I live, if he attends the usual, he won't meet dads. I don't even know of any stay at home dads in my area. Everything is mama based.
@bookworm492 I guess it depends on where you go, I have always seen dad’s at the playgroup stuff we have done. And we leave in a title 1 small country town area, which I would think would be less likely to have dad’s at than most areas. Or even several grandpas.
Re: QUESTION Thread
Married 1/28/17
TW:
BFP #2 10/10/17, MC 11/4/17
BFP #3 12/17/17 Birth 8/13/18
BFP #4 4/21/19 Birth 12/5/2019
Like I assume any other marriage, there are definitely ups and downs. When our kids were younger (8&6) it was harder to go out and do stuff just the two of us, and I admit that part scares/upset me. The biggest challenge for us, in our relationship has been the stress from having 2 special needs children, but now we are so used to it, and generally have everything under control ( or at least know things will get better soon) I feel like our marriage is stronger than ever.
Married 1/28/17
TW:
BFP #2 10/10/17, MC 11/4/17
BFP #3 12/17/17 Birth 8/13/18
BFP #4 4/21/19 Birth 12/5/2019
@blueskychicago12 I found the first few months with my daughter definitely affected my marriage. Not to the point where we ever considered separating.. but tensions and stress were higher. (My story in spoiler, since it's long.)
We also clashed over responsibilities- I felt like I was doing 90% of the stuff for baby, which frustrated me. His take on it was- he was making up for the other things I didn't do- like cooking, doing dishes, taking out the trash, and tending to our special needs dog. To me... those things weren't as important as making sure baby's needs were taken care of, so I didn't care if chores did/n't get done right away. I had my hands full making sure baby was fed, her bottles were clean and filled/labeled for the next day, diaper bag was packed for daycare, pumping, bathing baby, putting baby to bed, getting up in the MOTN (I breastfed and pumped milk for daycare.), getting her and me ready to go in the morning, and I mostly took care of her on weekends when we were home. It was a lot and I felt overwhelmed. I also would get push-back when I tried to ask him for more help- which just made me resentful. We were able to work out a better division of labor so I was eventually relieved... but the tension had built up to get to that point.
The good news is, as baby grew (she's 21 months now) things got easier. She's more independent and I can walk away from her for a few minutes. He helps out more watching her when I have things to do. They play and have a great relationship. I still spend more time with her, but he basically does all the chores around the house, so I can't complain. I do wish he would take her on outings (like I do) to give me a break... but overall I'm not unhappy with our current status as parents or our relationship in the marriage.
You're about to go through a major life change- there will be bumps in the road and there will be an adjustment period. Communication is huge. If you feel overwhelmed, speak up! I'm due in November with #2 and I know we're going to go through all the growing pains all over again... except with a toddler in tow lol. This time I plan on sitting down and talking about the division of labor and responsibilities before baby arrives to make life a little easier- but I anticipate still having issues along the way. Don't be afraid to reach out for support from friends/family as well. Having my mom around has been a lifesaver when we need an extra hand. It helps take the strain off our marriage. (We even have date nights about once/ week. It may just be dinner and grocery shopping... but it's time to ourselves lol) Just know this is not forever and you will reach a new normal. But understand the road may be a little rocky at first.
BFP #2 3/18/19 * EDD 11/25/19* DS born 11/30/19
Our problem (on top of sleep deprivation making us both grumpy) is that I felt like my life changed so drastically that I lost my individual self, but my husband was so used to me being a one-way support system that he a) was angry that I could no longer provide that for him and b) was unable to provide any emotional support for me. So I would be trying to vent about how difficult my day was with a baby who wouldn't eat or sleep or whatever, and he'd get upset about the fact that he had to work and was missing time with the baby and how dare I complain about getting to spend time with him when my husband couldn't. So I had no one to talk to, and any time I tired, it turned into my husband having an issue with something instead of it being about me. And on top of that, he was upset that all these other people were telling him what a great dad he was and I was like "yeah, you're doing what a parent is supposed to be doing, and you're doing a much lesser percentage of it than I am, so why the hell am I going to shower you with praise over it?!"
We did go to couples counselling for a few months before he decided it was a waste of his time, so I continued on my own for a bit. We've spent a lot of time talking about what went wrong in those days in an effort to try to prevent it from happening again with this baby, but his mental health is still not stable so I think I just have to prepare myself to be handling a lot of this on my own again. I'm really hoping that having experienced it before will make it easier the second time around.
As for us, we found the newborn stage hard. My husband was studying for his boards while in fellowship (doctor), so he had really limited time to spend with me and the baby in the beginning. He also felt a bit disconnected from the baby at first. I think this was driven by the fact that I was breastfeeding, she really was fussy about bottle feeding, and as a result he felt a bit helpless to soothe her when I was not around. However, I will say that changed dramatically. It just took a few months for him to adjust to the baby's really intense needs.
I also had severe anxiety and depression after giving birth. I was crying all of the time. I was frustrated and beating myself up for feeling the way I felt, which I thought was illogical. I thought I had no right to be sad. We are comfortable financially, we have a wonderful baby, great family, etc. Fortunately, my husband was supportive and encouraged me to get help. I would add that if you think you are experiencing PPD going to a psychiatrist or practice that actually deals with women with PPD is critical. My OB had prescribed me SSRIs but she really didn't know the right dosage.
The best things I did while on maternity leave that I think also helped our relationship were to: (1) take all the help I was offered (my mom came for a month, then my mother-in-law came for a month), (2) join a new mom group and (3) find mom and baby workout classes. Doing something for yourself and finding a way to create a community when you feel like you have been plucked out of the one you had (for me, none of my friends had kids so couldn't relate, and I had been working a really intense job) is really important.
Married 1/28/17
TW:
BFP #2 10/10/17, MC 11/4/17
BFP #3 12/17/17 Birth 8/13/18
BFP #4 4/21/19 Birth 12/5/2019
My biggest suggestion: Set expectations on how you want to do certain things, duties, etc. and hold each other accountable. Every family is going to be different and obviously scenarios change and you have to adapt. Remember that you are all new to this, including the baby! Give your SO grace. Give the baby grace. And most importantly give yourself grace.
Married to DH for 6 years (together for 16)
DS born 12.13.14
DD born 10.15.16
BFP 1.24.18, MC 3.13.18
my obgyn asked him if he felt anything yet the other day, and said it could still be another month.
DS - 7.5
DD #1 - 6
~ mmc 7.11.2018 @ 9w ~
DD#2 - born 12.24.19
Thanks @mckaybaby @blueskychicago12 @midgerose86 for your thoughts. I really like my OB, and think she has a similar risk threshold to me, so I'm going to check in at our next appointment. It's a good idea to also check in with the airline, though that means I have to find a flight!
Married 1/28/17
TW:
BFP #2 10/10/17, MC 11/4/17
BFP #3 12/17/17 Birth 8/13/18
BFP #4 4/21/19 Birth 12/5/2019