WWYD? Trigger warning **small update** — The Bump
May 2019 Moms

WWYD? Trigger warning **small update**

nopegoatnopegoat
Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Love Its
member
edited September 2018 in May 2019 Moms
I have a neighbor that we are kind of friendly with but not really friends. When talking one day she told me that years about 8yrs ago she had a miscarriage. They tried for several years to conceive again and eventually gave up and he had a vasectomy (I didn't press to find out exactly why). We've also talked about how upsetting Mother's Day is and she has said several things about her sister and her sister's pregnancies/kids that has let me know that she still has a very tough time dealing with it (rightfully).

Anyways H accidentally let it slip to them that I am pregnant. She is very obviously ignoring me now. 

My sister also dealt with IF because of endometriosis and had to have a hysterectomy so no kids as well. Her and I have talked about how hard it is to hear other people's pregnancy news especially if it catches her off guard. I know this is why she's avoiding me now. 

I keep going back and forth on whether I should reach out and check on her or just let it be since I'm the one causing her pain. 

WWYD?

Hopefully this makes sense. I had a super crazy day and am exhausted so admittedly probably a little more scatter brained than usual. 



Re: WWYD? Trigger warning **small update**

  • sleepy33 said:
    I’d give her time to process
    That's what my gut says but I also know she doesn't really have anyone to talk to about this kind of stuff. So I guess I also want to let her know I understand and I'm here if she wants to talk.. But then my pregnancy is a trigger for her.. 

    I know I'm probably way way over thinking this. It's just been bothering me. 



    sleepy33
  • Maybe just gently reach out in a few weeks and say I hope everything is ok, if you wanna talk I’m here, or something along those lines?
    Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker

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    nopegoatmegsb615mrsdee15
  • I think you're right. Thank you @sleepy33! ❤️ 



    sleepy33
  • I agree with sleepy33.. maybe give her some time, and then reach out to her when you feel like you should. Even if she isn’t ready to talk to you yet, she will at least know you’re thinking about her and wanting to make sure she’s doing ok.  I would tell her to take all of the time she needs and to know you’ll be there for her. Sorry you’re going through this. That’s a difficult situation!
    nopegoatguitarra1614sleepy33
  • Honestly, I think you should give them space. Maybe send a short message to let them know you are thinking of them in a few weeks, but don't push anything. I wouldn't even say that you're there to talk if they need it. If I were them, you would be the last person I would want to talk to while I was processing. Let them come to you when they're ready.

    DD1: June 2014 - VBM4lyfe
    DD2: October 2016
    DC3: coming May 2019





    nopegoatguitarra1614brie_and_almondssleepy33
  • @ktk2tog that's what I'm thinking too. I wouldn't want to talk to me if I were in her shoes. But I would want someone to talk to. Which is why I'm having such a hard time.

    I'll give her space and see what happens. 



  • I would write her a hand written note.



    nopegoat
  • I’ve never dealt with anything like this so I could be totally wrong but my instinct would be to reach out now, apologize for how she found out/catching her off guard, and make it clear no pressure to respond and you’ll give her space as long as she needs. 

    It does seem the majority thinks it’s best to leave it, so idk. 
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    bpietronicconopegoat
  • This is tough, since your not good friends I almost lean towards giving her space. But I feel like ignoring it is probably hurting her more. I like the note idea too, maybe even just a text message saying something along the lines of “I’m sorry if our news upset you, I understand if it is difficult for you to spend time with me right now. I can’t imagine all the pain you have been through but I am here for you if you ever need someone to talk to”. A text might seem like a cold idea, but it gives her space and the ability to react to it naturally. That is how I would want someone to treat me, but everyone is different. 


    nopegoat
  • My friend would often say whenever she got pregnant, a few friends would suddenly drop off of her radar completely.  She has learned to expect it and warned me about the phenomenon.  I saw it, too.  You are not alone in this experience.  ❤️
    nopegoat
  • @chloe97 I have no hard feelings at all. I know it's completely her. I just want her to know that I understand (as much as I can anyways) that she needs space and I'm here if/when she wants to talk.

    @thebobloblaw when/if this conversation takes place I would definitely want it done with a message or note so she can process it however she needs. 



  • nopegoatnopegoat
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Love Its
    member
    edited September 2018
     @chloe97 just saw your ETA.  I completely get that. 

    My sister and several friends have and still are dealing with IF. It kills me watching them go through it. I can't even begin to imagine their pain. IF and loss definitely suck! 



  • I would leave her alone. If she wants to talk and if she is ready to she will. But she may never speak to you again. And if not thats because thats how shes coping.


    Pregnancy #1 DD 08.30.2007
    Pregnancy #2 Natural Miscarriage at 6 weeks 03/2014 Due date 11/9/2014
    Pregnancy #3 DS 02.23.2015
    Pregnancy #4 Missed Miscarriage at 11 weeks 11/2018 Due date 5/22/2019
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    nopegoat
  • I would leave her alone. If she wants to talk and if she is ready to she will. But she may never speak to you again. And if not thats because thats how shes coping.


    I wouldn't blame her a bit. 



  • nopegoat said:
    I would leave her alone. If she wants to talk and if she is ready to she will. But she may never speak to you again. And if not thats because thats how shes coping.


    I wouldn't blame her a bit. 
    I know. I know you have the best of intentions. But like someone else said you already have 4 beautiful healthy kids, that alone if probably a slap in the face to her. Add that you're on your 5th and I can see her plain out avoiding you.

    Just don't take it personally. You didn't do anything wrong your husband just didn't think before he let it slip the way he did.
    Pregnancy #1 DD 08.30.2007
    Pregnancy #2 Natural Miscarriage at 6 weeks 03/2014 Due date 11/9/2014
    Pregnancy #3 DS 02.23.2015
    Pregnancy #4 Missed Miscarriage at 11 weeks 11/2018 Due date 5/22/2019
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • Leave her be for now  Smile and wave if you see her out and about but give her some time. 

    In my experience I have had a really hard time finding out others were pregnant. My husband and I have been trying for 7 yrs and it's been a tough road. I hated myself for being jealous and not being strong enough to be happy for others but eventually I could let it go and be friendly again. 
    nopegoat
  • Thanks for the perspective everyone. My feelings aren't hurt a bit  I'm genuinely just worried for her. I just wish she had someone to talk to. :(

    I'll respect her space and follow her lead. 



    bumbly_bchloe97sleepy33
  • @jrm_14 That’s perfect! 
    Age 39, H 38

    Married 8/15

    Pregnancy #1, MMC, D&C November/December 2015
    Pregnancy #2, Dx with Triploidy at 12 weeks, MMC, D&C May 2016
    Pregnancy #3 BFP 10/20/2016- EDD 7/01/2017
    DD was born on June 26, 2017
    Pregnancy #4 CP 4/2018
    Pregnancy #5 BFP 9/13/2018, EDD= 5/27/2019
    nopegoatjrm_14mrsdee15
  • I somehow missed this thread completely, but I’m glad she messaged you. I’ve always given my big sister (who has been trying for almost 12 years) a head’s up before doing any kind of family announcement. 

    DD: 8/20/14; DS: 11/13/16; Baby #3: due 5/11/19 (team green)

    nopegoatwishiwaspreggo
  • I missed this as well but I'm glad she messaged you. We had a friend who completely cut ties when she found out (via my email to her so she could process on her own) that we were pregnant with DD. She unfollowed/unfriended me on social media but I still follow her and they still haven't been able to conceive. My heart hurts for her but I know there's nothing else I can do. I'm glad that your neighbor is in a place where she can talk.
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