WWYD? Trigger warning small update

nopegoat · September 2018

I have a neighbor that we are kind of friendly with but not really friends. When talking one day she told me that years about 8yrs ago she had a miscarriage. They tried for several years to conceive again and eventually gave up and he had a vasectomy (I didn't press to find out exactly why). We've also talked about how upsetting Mother's Day is and she has said several things about her sister and her sister's pregnancies/kids that has let me know that she still has a very tough time dealing with it (rightfully).

Anyways H accidentally let it slip to them that I am pregnant. She is very obviously ignoring me now.

My sister also dealt with IF because of endometriosis and had to have a hysterectomy so no kids as well. Her and I have talked about how hard it is to hear other people's pregnancy news especially if it catches her off guard. I know this is why she's avoiding me now.

I keep going back and forth on whether I should reach out and check on her or just let it be since I'm the one causing her pain.

WWYD?

Hopefully this makes sense. I had a super crazy day and am exhausted so admittedly probably a little more scatter brained than usual.

sleepy33 · September 2018

I’d give her time to process

nopegoat · September 2018

sleepy33 said:

I’d give her time to process

That's what my gut says but I also know she doesn't really have anyone to talk to about this kind of stuff. So I guess I also want to let her know I understand and I'm here if she wants to talk.. But then my pregnancy is a trigger for her..

I know I'm probably way way over thinking this. It's just been bothering me.

sleepy33 · September 2018

Maybe just gently reach out in a few weeks and say I hope everything is ok, if you wanna talk I’m here, or something along those lines?

nopegoat · September 2018

I think you're right. Thank you @sleepy33! ❤️

megsb615 · September 2018

I agree with sleepy33.. maybe give her some time, and then reach out to her when you feel like you should. Even if she isn’t ready to talk to you yet, she will at least know you’re thinking about her and wanting to make sure she’s doing ok. I would tell her to take all of the time she needs and to know you’ll be there for her. Sorry you’re going through this. That’s a difficult situation!

k2k2tog · September 2018

Honestly, I think you should give them space. Maybe send a short message to let them know you are thinking of them in a few weeks, but don't push anything. I wouldn't even say that you're there to talk if they need it. If I were them, you would be the last person I would want to talk to while I was processing. Let them come to you when they're ready.

nopegoat · September 2018

@ktk2tog that's what I'm thinking too. I wouldn't want to talk to me if I were in her shoes. But I would want someone to talk to. Which is why I'm having such a hard time.

I'll give her space and see what happens.

bpietronicco · September 2018

I would write her a hand written note.

DuchessOfCambridge · September 2018

I’ve never dealt with anything like this so I could be totally wrong but my instinct would be to reach out now, apologize for how she found out/catching her off guard, and make it clear no pressure to respond and you’ll give her space as long as she needs.

It does seem the majority thinks it’s best to leave it, so idk.

chloe97 · September 2018

After 2 losses, I couldn’t be around anyone pregnant until DD was born. One of my best friends had 3 losses, has gone through IVF for 2 years. She can’t be around pregnant people. She can’t hear about anyone’s kids. It’s just too hard for her. I get it and know one day we will be okay again, but it may take awhile. Just realize that this is not about you. Is about her. She knows and no doubt feels guilty this will hurt your relationship, but she needs to do what she needs to do. Don’t reach out, but make yourself available. Don’t be surprise if she’s MIA for awhile.

ETA
i wouldn’t reach out, honestly. It would be more humiliating for her and painful and frankly would feel condescending. Please don’t take offense to this- but as a woman with 4 kids and pregnant with another on the way, I would have been especially bitter towards you in that situation. IF and Loss suck!

thebobloblaw · September 2018

This is tough, since your not good friends I almost lean towards giving her space. But I feel like ignoring it is probably hurting her more. I like the note idea too, maybe even just a text message saying something along the lines of “I’m sorry if our news upset you, I understand if it is difficult for you to spend time with me right now. I can’t imagine all the pain you have been through but I am here for you if you ever need someone to talk to”. A text might seem like a cold idea, but it gives her space and the ability to react to it naturally. That is how I would want someone to treat me, but everyone is different.

guitarra1614 · September 2018

My friend would often say whenever she got pregnant, a few friends would suddenly drop off of her radar completely. She has learned to expect it and warned me about the phenomenon. I saw it, too. You are not alone in this experience. ❤️

nopegoat · September 2018

@chloe97 I have no hard feelings at all. I know it's completely her. I just want her to know that I understand (as much as I can anyways) that she needs space and I'm here if/when she wants to talk.

@thebobloblaw when/if this conversation takes place I would definitely want it done with a message or note so she can process it however she needs.

nopegoat · September 2018

@chloe97 just saw your ETA. I completely get that.

My sister and several friends have and still are dealing with IF. It kills me watching them go through it. I can't even begin to imagine their pain. IF and loss definitely suck!

psychobutthead · September 2018

I would leave her alone. If she wants to talk and if she is ready to she will. But she may never speak to you again. And if not thats because thats how shes coping.

nopegoat · September 2018

psychobutthead said:

I would leave her alone. If she wants to talk and if she is ready to she will. But she may never speak to you again. And if not thats because thats how shes coping.

I wouldn't blame her a bit.

psychobutthead · September 2018

nopegoat said:

psychobutthead said:

I would leave her alone. If she wants to talk and if she is ready to she will. But she may never speak to you again. And if not thats because thats how shes coping.

I wouldn't blame her a bit.

I know. I know you have the best of intentions. But like someone else said you already have 4 beautiful healthy kids, that alone if probably a slap in the face to her. Add that you're on your 5th and I can see her plain out avoiding you.

Just don't take it personally. You didn't do anything wrong your husband just didn't think before he let it slip the way he did.

bumbly_b · September 2018

Leave her be for now Smile and wave if you see her out and about but give her some time.

In my experience I have had a really hard time finding out others were pregnant. My husband and I have been trying for 7 yrs and it's been a tough road. I hated myself for being jealous and not being strong enough to be happy for others but eventually I could let it go and be friendly again.

nopegoat · September 2018

Thanks for the perspective everyone. My feelings aren't hurt a bit I'm genuinely just worried for her. I just wish she had someone to talk to.

I'll respect her space and follow her lead.

BWhitta · September 2018

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s so hard to know what to do in these situations, on both sides. I’m pregnant with my first after three losses...we’ve already told pretty much everyone (most knew we were doing a medicated cycle with our RE so it’s hard to hide) and some people’s reactions to me really bother me...I can tell some people are avoiding me (*cough* MIL) which almost makes me feel like they’re expecting me to lose this one too and are nervous to ask me. Other people ask me ALL THE TIME “are you okay???” Or “how are you.....?” Like that and then I have to be like “still pregnant...” haha. I don’t know why these situations are so taboo, honestly, but no one knows how to talk about it which makes it a lot harder to deal with!

My cousins had a loss and conceived shortly after, they announced their pregnancy in a really fun way in front of me and our entire family on Christmas and honestly it was one of the hardest days of my whole life. I hate saying that and I hated feeling that way which made it worse, but it was just awful and stayed with me for weeks...it wasn’t until later that somebody said to me “I can’t believe they didn’t give you a heads up...” and I realized that was part of why I was so upset. They knew what we had been through and they had been through it themselves...I don’t know why they didn’t think of that, they were going through their own experience I guess, but it’s still hard for me to see them, it really damaged our relationship. I guess I’m just sharing this from your friends perspective, I don’t think you did anything wrong AT ALL, and I think you sound like a wonderful friend for being so concerned. I’m going to offer a different oppinion though and say you should say something to her about it. A text is fine imo, but all I know is if my cousin said something to me all these months later like “I’m sorry it was hard for you when we announced, we should have warned you” it would mean a lot to me. Again, your situation is different and you obviously haven’t done anything wrong...but just letting her know you’re sorry for what she’s going through or that you understand she needs space but that you miss her and are here for her...could go a long way with her.

jrm_14 · September 2018

:lurking:
From an IF/multiple perspective, if the person reached out at all something like “I know the way you found out was not ideal. I understand that you need your space & I will respect that” was the least offensive. No need to say you’re sorry. No need to say you can’t imagine (I always find that full of pity). And no need to say you’re there for her (because you’re the last person she wants to discuss this with).

chloe97 · September 2018

@jrm_14 That’s perfect!

nopegoat · September 2018

Just wanted to give an update. She messaged me today asking me how I was feeling. I told her I was fine and that I didn't mean for her to find out the way she did. So we are talking and I'm just following her lead.

Thanks again for all the advice! I truly do appreciate the different perspectives.

ETA forgot to add my response.

jarethinafrock · September 2018

I somehow missed this thread completely, but I’m glad she messaged you. I’ve always given my big sister (who has been trying for almost 12 years) a head’s up before doing any kind of family announcement.

kvh22 · September 2018

I missed this as well but I'm glad she messaged you. We had a friend who completely cut ties when she found out (via my email to her so she could process on her own) that we were pregnant with DD. She unfollowed/unfriended me on social media but I still follow her and they still haven't been able to conceive. My heart hurts for her but I know there's nothing else I can do. I'm glad that your neighbor is in a place where she can talk.

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