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More Proposed Board Changes & Group Discussion

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Re: More Proposed Board Changes & Group Discussion

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    @coco2787 .Tw....

    I have wondering if there was any point in a benched/TTCAL/secondary IF/tfas thread.  I feel like there are a couple of us, but maybe there isn't enough to discuss.


    As for what I said yesterday about TW's, I hope it didn't come off as dismissive, I don't mind doing it and I think I generally don't  bring stuff up, but sometimes it feels silly TW when someone asks "has this happened to you" questions and wanting to mention past experiences (with LC or loss) 

    I generally just don't bring stuff up even if pertinent, because I don't want to offend anyone.
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    Edit because lulu is right. She did respond to me. I just didn't see it in all of the pms I got this morning, but I just can't right now you guys. I'll come back to ttgp next week. <3 
    People think we become mothers when we give birth but the truth is we become mothers the moment we start calling our babies to us in our thoughts, dreams and prayers. Some paths are short and some are so long that you can easily forget where you were headed.

    How I feel all of the time.
    My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
    IVF
    IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI
    Back on Levothyroxine
    FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid
    FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway
    Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt, 
    1st Beta on 7dpt 93
    2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!

    TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule.
    Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017
    New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF

    IUI
    IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
    IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
    IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P
    BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine 
    IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
    Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
    Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
     
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    @lulu1180 - I was an active reg from 2013-2015 when the boards were much different. Many of my friends got banned during the mass exodus and changes with mods. We even formed our own group on a different forum but that eventually died off.

    Should I have more of a say in what happens on these boards since I have more seniority than you technically? There are a lot of things I'd change if I could but I follow the rules because I enjoy this community. I don't have any friends who are actively TTC and God knows I don't know anyone personally who is going through IVF so coming here has been very helpful.

    I detest non-apologies like "I'm sorry you're hurt by what I said." You should know that was hurtful - so why even say it in the first place while we're talking about trigger warnings and being respectful to others in the community? @suzycupcake has always been so sweet and supportive of everyone. It kills me when people single her out when she's doing her best to be kind and helpful. The call-outs here truly verge on bullying, in my opinion.
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    @wishiwaspreggo, off topic, did you have a different name then?  
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    @zamora_spin nodding in agreement. No one can ever be perfect in their expression. After your post I can definitely see both sides. 

    I think changing the newbie thread would be time consuming with so many opinions. 
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    suzycupcakesuzycupcake member
    edited August 2018
    Okay @lulu1180I accept your apology. I did finally read the rest of your pm after being stung by your initial post here to me as well as the first part of your pm. It was very hard to see the rest because of that, but now I have. I don't want to be outcasted in the IF thread. That's the only place that I have felt comfortable in really with what I've been going through. 

    I just don't agree with the rest of your points about whether or not I have the right to bring up topics for discussion. You say that it isn't what you're saying. Yes you encouraged me to do so, but it wasn't okay to then use what you used as a means to discredit the discussion that you encouraged me to bring up. That literally is what makes it about whether or not I have the right to bring up topics for discussion.  

    We are just gonna go in circles here about the IF/participation part.

    One of your arguments was that I wouldn't be able to speak for IF ladies when people come to me to ask advice. My argument is that since I have experienced IF for 6 years, then I can absolutely explain to someone who doesn't experience it, what it is like. I can absolutely explain that what seems like meanness is coming from a place of hurt from not getting a baby for so long. It has nothing to do with who has been on the boards the longest. 

    Your argument was that I have only been actively participating for 6 months. My argument was that I had very valid reasons (reasons beyond my control) for that and it didn't mean I wasn't around lurking and love titting posts during that time. It doesn't mean I didn't see the drive bys and hurtful/insensitive comments, nor does it mean that I wasn't also stung by them. 

    I've said this before. I agree that the way I went about this whole thing shouldn't have happened. I will claim ignorance as my excuse and say that I'm truly sorry for that. However, what I won't do is concede on the fact that all I was trying to do was to help other people, not become the leader of this board. I don't want to be the leader here. I don't.  And if wanting to be bffs with everyone on here, reaching out to offer support, etc. rubs people the wrong way, I will take it because I really do love people, and I'm not gonna apologize for that. 

    So we can sit here and keep going or we can stop with this nonsense because honestly, I don't have the energy anymore to give to this. I don't suppose that you do either. You can respond to this or not. That is your choice. I will read it, but I won't be talking about it again.  
    People think we become mothers when we give birth but the truth is we become mothers the moment we start calling our babies to us in our thoughts, dreams and prayers. Some paths are short and some are so long that you can easily forget where you were headed.

    How I feel all of the time.
    My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
    IVF
    IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI
    Back on Levothyroxine
    FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid
    FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway
    Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt, 
    1st Beta on 7dpt 93
    2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!

    TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule.
    Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017
    New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF

    IUI
    IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
    IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
    IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P
    BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine 
    IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
    Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
    Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
     
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    @beachbunnyxo123

    I don't want to talk about my son all the time, It is just difficult to feel like it is forbidden to mention him at all. The main place I think it could come up is the randoms thread, let's say people are talking about their plans for the weekend, should I just say nothing because it will have mentions of my child? I don't need to randomly mention him all the time, but I feel like I would have a hard time participating in random topics like this if I can't mention him at all. 

    I really do understand the pain of infertility. I personally never minded people mentioning kids, especially older kids but I was very hurt by pregnancy announcements and pregnancy talk or little babies. We all have different triggers and even if some things don't affect me I can understand that it affects other people, and I will respect the boards wishes. I just wanted talk a little about how I felt on this point since the thread was asking for opinions. I am glad I did because I realized it is not as ridiculous of a rule as I thought it was at first.

    35 years old, TTC #1 Dec 28, 2011
    PCOS, Hypothyroidism.
    First IVF cycle June 5th 2015 --- BFP
    Miscarriage at 8 weeks
    FET December 15th 2015--- BFP!
    First saw  at 6w4d
    It's a boy!

    Luciano Alessandro Maximiliano was born on September 3rd 2016

       



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    @Alyeena The only place that is that restrictive is the daily threads (WTO/TWW).  You can mention your son in the randoms thread if you're talking about what you did over the weekend in whatever way you want.  The only thing I would suggest is to at least give a TW prior so someone can avoid it if necessary.  The only place TW it is never necessary when mentioning kids would (obviously) be the TFAS thread.  


    "It's time to try defying gravity."

    Me: 38  DH: 38
    Married 6/11/16
    TTC Since 6/2016
    12/2016 RE appt; 1/2017 SA & HSG results - all normal
    3/2017 Dx Hyperprolactinemia; 5/2017 Prolactin levels normal; 8/2017 Low Ovarian Reserve
    8/2017 TTA for personal reasons; 10/2017 NTNP; 12/2017 Re-start TTC
    7/2018 Clomid+IUI
    11/2018 Letrozole+TI
    12/2018 Letrozole+IUI
    2/2019 NTNP
    5/2019 Stopping all TTC efforts; living Childfree
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    @Alyeena The only place that is that restrictive is the daily threads (WTO/TWW).  You can mention your son in the randoms thread if you're talking about what you did over the weekend in whatever way you want.  The only thing I would suggest is to at least give a TW prior so someone can avoid it if necessary.  The only place TW it is never necessary when mentioning kids would (obviously) be the TFAS thread.  
    @lulu1180 , and the IF thread.... 
    TTC #1 since September 2014
    Diagnoses: RPL, Endometriosis, MFI (count, morph, DNI, DNAS, multiple bilateral subclinical varicoceles), low progesterone
    Check out my Infertility blog 
    Check out my Infertility Instagram

    Loss History (TW):
    BFP: 3 May 2015, loss confirmed 4 June 2015
    BFP: 15 August 2015, loss confirmed 23 August 2015
    BFP: 16 November 2015, loss confirmed 22 November 2015
    BFP: 18 July 2016, loss confirmed same day
    BFP: 04 March 2018, loss confirmed 23 March 2018
    BFP: 12 June 2018, TWINS; D&C 06 July 2018
    TTC History (TW):
    3 losses in 2015
    Met with OBGYN in January 2016
    Me: all clear, H: OAT
    November 2016: HSG = All Clear!
    January 2017: H tested again,  High DNA fragmentation and stainability
    February 2017: Clomid + TI + Progesterone = BFN
    March 2017: Clomid + HCG + IUI + Progesterone = SA/wash: zero count on attempt #1, <1,000 on attempt #2= BFN
    Varicocele Embolization- 5 May 17
    December 2017 SA: Zero improvement after embolization
    January IVF- 25 retrieved, 11 mature, 8 fertilized, 3 frozen day fives (3AA, 3AA, 3AA), 1 frozen day 6 (5BB), 1 frozen day 7 (3CC)
    Three PGS normal (3AA, 3AA, 5BB), one inconclusive (3AA)
    FET #1: 27 February 2018, 3AA & 5BB, one stuck! BFP 04 March 2018.... Loss confirmed 23 March 2018
    May 2018: SHG/SIS = all clear "beautiful uterus"
    FET #2: 04 June 2018, 3AA PGS normal embryo, 3AA PGS hatching inconclusive embryo. 
    BFP: 12 June 2018, EDD 20 February 2019
    Ultrasound, 25 June 2018: There are two
    Lost Baby A 02 July 2018
    Baby B not growing, D&C 06 July 2018
    Laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, chromotubation: 23 July 2018: blocked right tube, heavily inflamed, covered in endo. Removed right tube. Removed more endo from uterus, tubes, ovaries. Endo remains on bladder and bowel. 
    Next Up:
    TTC Naturally, possibly IUIs for remainder of 2018. 
    ER#2 ~Jan 2019
            

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    @KristoKekerooni That too, of course!  Although LOs are mentioned so very rarely in the IF thread so I guess it slipped my mind to specifically mention it because it's not as much of a problem


    "It's time to try defying gravity."

    Me: 38  DH: 38
    Married 6/11/16
    TTC Since 6/2016
    12/2016 RE appt; 1/2017 SA & HSG results - all normal
    3/2017 Dx Hyperprolactinemia; 5/2017 Prolactin levels normal; 8/2017 Low Ovarian Reserve
    8/2017 TTA for personal reasons; 10/2017 NTNP; 12/2017 Re-start TTC
    7/2018 Clomid+IUI
    11/2018 Letrozole+TI
    12/2018 Letrozole+IUI
    2/2019 NTNP
    5/2019 Stopping all TTC efforts; living Childfree
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    I don't think most people feel like they can mention LC anyone, I honestly assumed it was "restricted" everywhere .   I definitely think TTCAL would agree it is restricted there.



    Again, I just don't generally bring stuff up because I am "following board culture" and don't wish to hurt or offend.  But an example, like ib threads like mental health I don't mention lcLC but again, the information is pertinent to the subject. Both my kids have ASD, and DD has a lot of other issues like anxiety and mood disorders.   Not only does it affect my mental health, but I am constantly at psychiatrist/psychology appointments and not that I want to discuss them, it is more discussing something I learned/heard.  

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    suzycupcakesuzycupcake member
    edited August 2018
    @lulu1180 Since I'm the one that started this big long list of discussions, I feel it wouldn't be fair if I don't do some of the work in parsing things out. If you really want to, then okay, but my feelings won't be hurt if you change your mind. Survey monkey? 

    AFM and my opinions:

    1. I personally don't mind the current board tone regarding the grad threads. I do think that "First, people are getting called out for being here for a few months and posting in the grad threads even though they meet the criteria for 1, 2, and 3" still needs to be addressed. 

    2. I do also think the benched thread should be a safe place for the ladies who cannot ttgp for reasons beyond their control. I'm cool with whatever anyone wants to do beyond that; not have a place for the ladies who are waiting for other various reasons or having a place for them, or directing them somewhere else.  

    3. As for the TWO/TWW threads, I'm okay with keeping the added text about pertinency and being added to a spoiler. I like the instructions @KristoKekerooni wrote to explain the differences for added clarity;

    mentioning kids because they are affecting TTC= pertinent. 
    mentioning kids just because= not pertinent

    For example:

    I am breastfeeding so my cycles are wonky- pertinent
    My kid woke up a bazzillion times last night so I didn't temp- pertinent
    my kid is super sick, so we couldn't HIO on key days- pertinent

    I was late to work this AM because my kid couldn't find her shoes- not pertinent. 
    My kid has a play today, and I am so excited/bored/whatever-not pertinent. 
    I'm cool with what everyone else decides, but I do hope that regardless, that second time moms and + will start feeling more comfortable about posting on this board. 

    4. For when it's okay to start a thread and when it isn't, maybe there will never be a way to fully agree on this one. I just think that if we aren't going to change the newbie guide and because TB's guides allow it, then maybe we could extend a little more grace to the ones who do it. I haven't been very good at this one myself and am trying to learn the difference when someone is trying to use us like google or asks us which type of hpt to buy vs asking a legitimate question.

    For a long time, I thought it just wasn't okay to create our own thread, at all. I know that common sense plays a role here, but I also think that some ladies being here longer does give them a leg up on lurking so it's not really only common sense at play here. I think if we worked together to make the community a bit more welcoming, it might make it more likely that newbies will reach out and ask questions rather than be so afraid of making a mistake, that they make a mistake, opening the door to lack of consistency in rule enforcement depending on everyones' mood for that day. 

    5. I don't have an opinion on this one. 

    6. 

    A. I really do believe that this one needs to be addressed. We all have triggers and it's very difficult to deal with them when they come up. IFers/Lossers even trigger each other. Yesterday was a perfect example of that. Maybe I'm a bit too idealistic, but perhaps an IF/Loss buddy system would be effective in these scenarios. If someone posts something seemingly insensitive and is triggering, if you cannot gently call out, reach out to the buddy system to see if there is another lady who is able to extend a little more grace in the moment. But, I get that others will have a completely different opinion on this than I do. I'm cool with whatever the board decides, including not deciding at all. 

    B. I don't have an opinion about this. It was an observation. 

    C. I don't have an opinion about this either. Observation. 
    People think we become mothers when we give birth but the truth is we become mothers the moment we start calling our babies to us in our thoughts, dreams and prayers. Some paths are short and some are so long that you can easily forget where you were headed.

    How I feel all of the time.
    My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
    IVF
    IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI
    Back on Levothyroxine
    FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid
    FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway
    Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt, 
    1st Beta on 7dpt 93
    2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!

    TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule.
    Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017
    New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF

    IUI
    IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
    IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
    IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P
    BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine 
    IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
    Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
    Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
     
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    I agree that breaking topics up for discussion/polls is probably best and easiest for everyone involved.
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    @coco2787 I've seen it before though I don't remember when. I've also seen members who were only here trying for two months and didn't get called out. Newer members have come to me saying that the rules are a bit confusing. I don't find them confusing personally. I know that's not helping much. 

    @zamora_spin I know that call outs will still happen during disagreements. I'm not sure if you're referring to everything as a whole or certain sections, but I'm assuming as a whole. I'm only saying that I think extending a little more grace is better than making people feel like everything that they say is wrong. Hmmm that's probably over dramatic. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we could do a little better catering to our more emotionally sensitive members/members who are just really excited about everything, so that we don't scare people away. It would help to be more approachable so that people won't be afraid to ask questions. I know you know that we can see it when someone is apologizing profusely, over and beyond how people would normally apologize, and in other ways. I can think of a few members just in the last couple of weeks who haven't logged on since. 
    People think we become mothers when we give birth but the truth is we become mothers the moment we start calling our babies to us in our thoughts, dreams and prayers. Some paths are short and some are so long that you can easily forget where you were headed.

    How I feel all of the time.
    My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
    IVF
    IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI
    Back on Levothyroxine
    FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid
    FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway
    Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt, 
    1st Beta on 7dpt 93
    2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!

    TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule.
    Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017
    New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF

    IUI
    IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
    IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
    IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P
    BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine 
    IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
    Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
    Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
     
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