TTCAL W/O 8/13

kindbytealikat · August 2018

**This is a general trigger warning that CP, miscarriage/spontaneous abortion, selective abortion due to medical complications, and/or stillbirth may be mentioned.**

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

Status:

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

GTKY: <inspired by my FB feed today> Are you team pumpkin spice, and is August to soon?

kindbytealikat · August 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. 2 early losses; 8/17, 1/18

Status: WTO cycle 3

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I started today off in a really lousy mood, but things seemed to have gotten better. I have been so physically worn out lately and really do not know why. I'm guessing it's my change in diet and exercise routines. I didn't realize how much I was stressing about getting work on the days I want this week, but I was able to sign up for them today so I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Sunday was the DD of my second loss and I handled it a lot better than I was expecting. We'll see if that last me through the rest of the month. Since I was pregnant this time last year I'm not to hopeful about my mood. Getting back to work though should help.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nada

GTKY: So I am all about the pumpkin spice, and for the record I loved it before it was the cool/hip thing. That said August is to soon to debut all things pumpkin spice and fall. Wait until after Labor Day please.

meatballs37 · August 2018

Just here to follow along and read everyone’s posts since I responded in last weeks. Whoops!

ETA: removed trigger

meatballs37 · August 2018

@kindbytealikat so sorry about your DD anniversary. Dates can be such an awful trigger.

What are you doing for diet and exercise? I need to change things up. But I have zero motivation

kgg2241 · August 2018

@meatballs37 that sounds like the cutest costume! Also big props to you for getting started on it. I am such a procrastinator and wait until basically Halloween day.

@kindbytealikat I'm sorry about the DD anniversary, but I'm glad it went better than you expected. I'm sure it will be a hard month for you and each day will feel a little different than the last. I've probably said this before, but it is okay to feel your feelings and take the grief as it comes.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. MMC at 11 weeks on 6/15.

Status: TWW

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Rant- I am really busy at work and it is just getting to be too much. I keep saying it will slow down, but it never does. We had a staycation at a local ski resort on Thursday - Friday and although it was nice, I was so anxious about everything I should be doing. It literally made me sick. As far as TTC, my emotions are at an all time high. I can already feel myself feeling heartbroken this cycle (if that makes sense) and I don't know why. We had good timing and I ovulated. Maybe I'm subconsciously preparing myself for disappointment. I think it is called "defensive pessimism" or something like that (pretty sure I heard that in a Ted talk lol).

Rave-DH made homemade homemade jerky today, so that was awesome.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? I'll probably test on Friday.

GTKY: <inspired by my FB feed today> Are you team pumpkin spice, and is August to soon? I'm definitely down for a pumpkin spice chai latte. Too soon though.

I'm on my phone and feeling a little lazy, so ignore any typos or grammar errors!

suzycupcake · August 2018

@meatballs37 This thread is a weekly checkin thread for those who have experienced pregnancy loss to answer the questions every week. It's not a thread to mention living children at all and belongs in the tfas thread. It would be really great if you could edit your post because it's most likely why barely any women have posted in this thread today.

And plus, I saw you intro in last week's checkin. I'm so so sorry for your loss.

meatballs37 · August 2018

@suzycupcake no problem, so sorry. I definitely don’t want to be that person. I will be more careful what I post because I definitely know what it’s like to have devastating loss.
ETA: post was cut off

dpjennifer · August 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. Unexplained RPL. 4 MC.

Status: WTO. CD 10.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Same old, same old...

GTKY: <inspired by my FB feed today> Are you team pumpkin spice, and is August to soon? Ugh... as someone who grows her own pumpkin pie pumpkins and makes pumpkin puree out of it and homemade pumpkin pie... UGH to the pumpkin spice everything. Just freaking disappear... it's becoming as bad as football and/or smoking and other crap I hate. Just MAKE IT STOP!!!!! But um, no offense to all y'all who like pumpkin spice (As does my DH). LOL.

kgg2241 Stress and issues at work are definitely not helpful to our situations. My therapist and I have had MANY discussions about this in the past year or so. Basically, my work is a shyte show of dysfunction (I'm a Fed) and I just can't get out of my horrid office and into a place that appreciates me and USES my talents. So between that and the whole baby thing... it's like 2 major areas of my life have been stalled and I just work my *ss off to do nothing but spin my wheels. Super frustrating. So definitely try to alleviate some of the work stress if you can!!!!

eleven_ · August 2018

@meatballs37 I'm so so sorry to see you back here. I totally understand what you mean when you said you are starting to feel like you aren't meant to have another child. It's how I've been feeling after my third loss and it's a really awful feeling. TW KIDS:

I have mentioned my kids in TTCAL before. I have talked about how much it hurts to have to tell my kids that mommy is no longer having a baby. I think this thread is about being sensitive to others, but it is also about being able to be open and honest with our pain and sometimes that involves speaking of our living children. Just make sure to put it in a spoiler so that people can choose to read it or not.

meatballs37 · August 2018

@eleven_

Thank you. I will make sure to add a spoiler in the future. I added a TW originally because I couldn’t get the spoiler to work on mobile. I definitely want to be sensitive to everyone else’s situation.

I am so sorry for your three losses.

*TW LO*

I also feel the same exact way. We moved from our home where the twins’ nursery was supposed to be this June thinking it would help us heal. And guess what? We have identical twin boys next door at the new house. Like what are the fricken odds? They are a few months older than our boys would have been. The couple is extremely nice and are now aware of our situation. But DD loves the twins next door. And when she sees them wants to sit down with them and hand them their toys. It breaks my heart that she should have siblings and I know she would be a great sister. I not only feel like I personally am being robbed, but so is she.

I can’t imagine when she is older having to explain it all more to her. It must be difficult for you as a mother to not break down when your children ask about another baby. My heart goes out to you.

lin0442 · August 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. 2 losses- 1 early and 1 at 13wks. Uterine septum now removed, unexplained IF

Status: TWW, cycle... uhhh 20+, 2nd IUI

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Been feeling very pessimistic lately that this will ever happen, and coming down from the fertility meds is brutal- ss was horrible last month and is gearing up to be pretty bad this one, too. I guess it at least means I’m making progesterone. I don’t know when we’ll move to IVF- maybe 1 more IUI after this one. I’m angry that all this took so long to diagnose and treat, and I’m terrified there’s still something left to discover.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? HCG scheduled for next Wednesday in absence of AF, so so so far in the future.

GTKY: <inspired by my FB feed today> Are you team pumpkin spice, and is August to soon? I would be if all the drinks were a bit less sweet! It’s a bit too warm out for hot coffee still.

nomangos23 · August 2018

@kgg2241 I totally get the bust at work feeling. I have given my work all of my energy and focus for the last 7 year and after 3 losses I just don't have much left to give. Or that's how I feel anyway. I still show up and do my work, but on my days off, I actually take them off. I put an out of office up and I don't check emails. I used to feel guilt for not being available, but I came to realize that my mental health is more important than anything anyone is going to need on my one day off. Anyway, take care of yourself. You deserve it.

@meatballs37 I'm so sorry about your losses. I lost one baby at 21 weeks, I couldn't imagine losing two. And can also relate to trying again after loss, only to be met with ANOTHER loss. It's easy to lose hope. I hope you can find comfort among our group here. They're a pretty solid group of ladies

@kindbytealikat The DDs are hard. I'm glad yours came and went without causing too much harm. What exercise/diet routine are you sticking to?

@lin0442 Fingers crossed for you. Yes the wait is agonizing! I try to keep busy during TWWs by reading a book or binging a TV show. Hope the meds aren't too hard on you this month

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. 3 losses, 21 weeks, 5.5 weeks, 6.5 weeks

Status: TWW (Benched)

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I got pregnant with my first this time last year. Which means I have the next 21 weeks to relive my pregnancy. I was so, so, SO happy. Which makes me hurt even more. Everything from the weather, to the shows that air in the fall, to the clothes I was wearing last year that I remember growing a cute little bump in, to all of the holidays and birthdays that are between now and the beginning of January. It's all incredibly painful.

And here I sit. Two more pregnancies later, benched.. With nothing to do but feel these feelings.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Monday for a (hopefully final) HCG test

GTKY: <inspired by my FB feed today> Are you team pumpkin spice, and is August to soon? I'm typically team Pumpkin Spice ASAP but this year I feel a bit differently.

lin0442 · August 2018

@nomangos23 I’m so sorry for the upcoming season. It must be very hard. I hope you get to make some good fall memories this year.

meatballs37 · August 2018

@nomangos23

I’m so incredibly sorry for your late loss and your early ones too. Do you mind me asking what happened? If you don’t want to answer, I completely understand because details can be so hard to relive. My stomach dropped reading about how many weeks your first loss was.

I also am right there with you. This time last year I was blissfully pregnant with my sons and unaware that they would both be gone in a few more months. My twin pregnancy announcement came up in my fb memories last week and I drank an entire bottle of wine that night and went to bed early. Fall is never going to feel the same to me again either.

Also, another personal question. Do you feel differently about your early losses than your late one? Feel free to not answer this either. I only ask because I am struggling with a huge amount of guilt that my last loss didn’t feel like one to me personally. I feel like I lost the idea of another child more than an actual one. And then I ask myself what is wrong with me for not being more sad?

I hope you are able to get through this next change in season without too much grief. Maybe you could plan something fun, like a mini weekend getaway to make a happy memory? We are planning a getaway during infant/pregnancy loss awareness week in October. It’s giving me something to look forward to and I think it might help.

nomangos23 · August 2018

@meatballs37 Thank you for the kind words. I think a get-away is a great idea and during infant loss week is a perfect time to do it.

We're not really sure what happened to our girl. We went in for our anatomy scan and saw hydrops (fluid) around all of her organs which eventually caused her heart to stop beating. We've done every test known to man and they've all come up negative. I was told it was "unlikely to happen again" and a "very rare occurrence". I don't think it's a fluke I've had two more miscarriages after but no doctor can explain anything.

And yes, my second/third losses were no where near as impactful as the first. Of course I was hopeful for a healthy baby, but I think there was a part of me that was jaded too. I guess having that guarded frame of mind helped me heal with my most recent losses, although I can't say that's probably healthy.

I think the further you get in your pregnancies the deeper your connection becomes too, which in turn is harder to let go of. You felt your boys kick. You heard their heartbeats. You were probably planning their nursery, names, their entire future. I'm sure you love ALL of your babies but some scars are a bit deeper than others.

holly321 · August 2018

@meatballs37, I know you didn't ask me, and I know I was not nearly as far a long, but the difference I feel between my loss at 14 weeks and my loss at 8 is tremendously different. The guilt is there.

I wonder sometimes if it is coping and lack of attachment though.

lin0442 · August 2018

@holly321 Yes, even less so, but my 13wk and 5wk losses were miles apart in what I went through. I guess I don’t feel that guilty about recognizing the difference though (although it seems kind of taboo to voice it on the board)- when a miscarriage happens during when it’s ‘expected’ vs when you end up in the ‘<1.5%, everyone assumes things are “safe”’ category- I think it’s not wrong of a person to feel differently. A trimester+ is a long time to grow attached and to deal with real symptoms.

I’m so sorry about what you went through @nomangos23 and @meatballs37. That really sounds like hell.

coco2787 · August 2018

@meatballs37 I will also plus one that my later loss (14 weeks) hurt so much more than any of my earlier losses. Try not to feel guilt over feeling more sad over one loss than another, it doesn't mean you had any less love for your baby to be (I know that's easier said than done, I've had similar feelings of guilt). What you went through with your boys was so incredibly traumatic and I don't think there are many things that can even remotely compare to having to say goodbye to two babies, one of whom you got to hold in your arms.

eleven_ · August 2018

@kindbytealikat I’m so sorry you’ve made it to the due date of your second loss. The roller coaster of emotions is hard to deal with and I hope going back to work helps give you something positive to focus on.
@kgg2241 I totally know that feeling of heartbreak from anticipating a failed cycle. That’s where I was last month and it was really hard for me to feel happy or optimistic AT ALL. I know that it’s so hard to have hope sometimes and for some reason, some cycles are harder than others. I’m so sorry you couldn’t enjoy your staycation We are going to stay the night at a local ski resort next month too. Give 'em the bird? Ring any bells?
@dpjennifer I’m super impressed you grow your own pumpkins for your pumpkin pie! I am determined to grow mine for next year now. Although, I really really hate gutting pumpkins. Maybe I’ll make DH do that part haha
@meatballs37 I can’t even imagine how hard that must be each time you see the twin neighbors. I’m so incredibly sorry you have to face that as often as you do. Your DD is extremely lucky to have such a strong and brave mom
@lin0442 I’m sorry you are feeling so pessimistic lately. It’s such an awful way to feel and I’m sure the fertility meds aren’t helping. I hope so much that this IUI is successful for you.
@nomangos23 Your post just breaks my heart. I’m so sorry your loss is tied to so many things. I like @meatballs37 idea of planning something that you can look forward to this fall.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: 3 early losses this year

Status: WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I don’t really have much to say so I’m just going to share a quote that made me feel good to read.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? I will be going in for progesterone check at 7dpo.

GTKY: <inspired by my FB feed today> Are you team pumpkin spice, and is August too soon? I like pumpkin spiced bread and that’s about it. I don’t really have strong feeling about when pumpkin spice should be enjoyed. If you feel like having a pumpkin cookie in July, you do you

meatballs37 · August 2018

@nomangos23 thank you.

ugh. I want to say I’m so sorry, but that seems so oversaid sometimes. That’s pretty much what happened to our son Abraham, in the end heart failure (he was what is called the recipient in TTTS and his brother was the donor). We know ours is caused by something with how the placenta forms. Beyond that we are in the dark as well.

I would feel the same as you in your situation. That the losses have to be connected somehow. Because how much bad luck can one endure before a medical professional admits that?

I agree. The further you get, the more you hope = the greater the connection. We had 26 days with Abe in the NICU and that time was something I wish back for everyday.

I’m glad you think you might plan something for October too. We are going to head to Chicago and enjoy the last bits of good weather before winter hits.

coco2787 · August 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

4 losses in 7 months. 9 week MMC, 14 week MMC (genetically normal girl), two CPs. Unexplained diagnosis.

Status:

D&C 8 weeks ago, still waiting for AF. Since I got a +OPK last week I'm going to give it another week before getting provera since if I actually did ovulate it's not going to help speed things up at all.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

I'm obviously pretty unhappy with the fact that AF still hasn't come back, I'm ready to move forward and my body is not cooperating. Annoyed with my H right now, every time we try and talk about the loss he always says something stupid and unhelpful in an attempt to make me feel better, and can't seem to understand why I wouldn't want to go visit the newborn baby of our friends this weekend. I am very happy for our friends as they took 3 years to get pregnant, but we were due a week apart and that's just a bit much for me right now.

Also feeling grumpy about all the fuckery on this board lately, between the benched thread being the place to hang out so you can drink at a wedding, to all the am I pregnant? drive bys, and then multiple insensitive grad posts, I can't even right now.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

Nothing left to test

GTKY: <inspired by my FB feed today> Are you team pumpkin spice, and is August to soon?

I feel pretty meh about pumpkin spice. I like pumpkin baked goods better than the drinks. And no, August isn't too soon, I think it's dumb that it's only seasonal.

nomangos23 · August 2018

@coco2787 Sending AF vibes your way (Has anyone ever said that on this board, ever?) It took me 9 weeks after my D&E, so hopefully you're close! I bet if you ovulated last week your AF will come next week. The fact that you got an LH surge means your body is trying to do SOMETHING, which I think is a good sign. I was so frustrated with my body after my first loss and my doctors wouldn't even consider giving me anything to jumpstart AF. So I just chalked it up to my body needed that time to sort itself out. Looking back I'm glad I let it do its own thing. And yes, I can relate to the dumb comments from husband that aren't helpful. Mine just sends me cat videos. They don't process emotions the same way we do. Anyway - I'm here to talk about your losses anytime you want

lin0442 · August 2018

@coco2787 I hear you with the board fuckery- it’s so bad right now. That benched nonsense was ridiculous and the drive bys are everywhere. I hope your body catches up with your mind soon and af shows up.

holly321 · August 2018

@coco2787, the board is crazy lately ,(I am close to redirecting some people to BOTB) . I haven't been participating in the dailies while benched, but I tried and just can't. I hope AF is on the way, and don't blame you for not wanting to see your friends baby. I had a friend who was unable to get pregnant for many, many years, and just had her first, at 43. But, she was due on my due date from my first loss and it just strikes a nerve. I feel so guilty for my lack of caring.

@eleven_, I love the quote, thanks for sharing.

@meatballs37, I can't imagine how hard it is with your neighbor situation. I know you don't need them to be a constant reminder , it isn't like you are going to forget, but it still has to sting.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. MMC 2/12 MMC 8/17

Status: wto

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

I am happy to be unbenched, and am either in complete denial or I had a brain transfer, because I actually feel hopeful. I am coming up on the anniversary of when we found out about our loss, which is hard. I am trying to convince myself to take the appointment card out of my wallet, I get it out occasionally and just look at it.

Otherwise, just really excited for fall. I was so sick last year I didn't really enjoy it

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

No!

GTKY: <inspired by my FB feed today> Are you team pumpkin spice, and is August to soon?

August is not too soon, but pumpkin spice is nasty. I love spicy chai this time of year.

suzycupcake · August 2018

@meatballs37 ygpm

coco2787 · August 2018

@kindbytealikat I'm sorry about the due date milestone, I'm glad it wasn't as bad as you thought it would be though. Like others have said here, I found that the anticipation of that date is worse than the actual day.

@meatballs37 I'm so incredibly sorry you have to be back here. You've been through way too much,and it's so cruel and unfair to go through yet another loss after experiencing that glimmer of hope. It breaks my heart that you had to move houses because of the difficult memories, it almost seems like a cruel joke that your new neighbors would have twin boys. I swear, sometimes I feel like the universe is mocking us.

@kgg2241 I'm sorry you couldn't enjoy your staycation

I can definitely relate to the defensive pessimism, loss really steals our ability to be hopeful about this journey.

@dpjennifer mmm homemade pumpkin pie puree is so much better than the canned stuff.

@lin0442 I hate that this has been such a long, drawn out process for you. I sincerely hope this IUI does the trick for you and IVF won't be needed.

@nomangos23 I haven't had to "relive" a pregnancy yet, but I can absolutely relate to so many little things being attached to memories of being pregnant. It's hard to look at food I bought while pregnant, or pictures I took or that were taken of me, or to go to a store or restaurant when the last time I had been there I was pregnant. There's no escaping it, even isolating yourself at home doesn't protect you from those little triggers. I'm sorry you're facing those difficult weeks, but I do hope you can find some good distractions to keep your mind off things. Hugs to you.

@eleven_ I love that quote

@holly321 I'm sorry about the upcoming anniversary. I'm glad to hear you're feeling hopeful though, and I hope you can stay unbenched!

dpjennifer · August 2018

lin0442 ET AL: I understand the "loss is a loss no matter when" and they are all very painful. All of mine were early and I had NO idea you could get SO attached and have so many hormones before you could even see a heartbeat. But I am grateful that mine were early because I felt sooo much pain and I cannot imagine the pain of seeing the heartbeat and knowing the sex and picking out names and getting that far along to feel safe and have major plans and/or decisions made and have a loss. And all that extra time to become even more attached to the baby. It's horrible.

So I am one who recognizes that all MC are painful... but MC after the heartbeat and feeling safe are a particular level of hell... and I'm sorry for all of those who have gone through them, especially those who have had to endure a stillbirth. I can't even imagine.

eleven_ It's super easy for the pumpkin pie pumpkins. You just have to get a certain type of seed, and if you can grow regular pumpkins, these are super easy. They're smaller. And you don't have to do as much for them as you would to make a jack-o-lantern. You just cut them in half, scoop out the seeds and then roast them in the oven on some parchment paper. (Save the seeds for next year! AND you don't have to try to scoop everything out through a tiny hole or anything like that). When the stuff is all soft, I puree it in my food processor, then I jar it and freeze it. Done. Easy peasy!

coco2787 There's a total reason I primarily read the TTCAL threads and a few other random threads and that's about it. I can't handle all the newbie and/or ignorant posts that happen in other threads at times. I do like ranting at people though... is it too late to join the benched convo and post a hateful GIF?

kgg2241 · August 2018

@eleven_ haha yes. I'm looking forward to Oktoberfest and maybe another staycation. And I love the quote

.

@coco2787 @dpjennifer Ugh so much yes. I know I'm pretty quiet on these boards, but the drive-by craziness has been too much lately. That is why I pretty much only post here.

@holly321 I am so happy to see an update from you and that you are feeling good. FX for a successful time off the bench.

@holly321 @meatballs37 @lin0442 .... Jumping in on this one too. I really echo what @dpjennifer said. I think what was hard for me is that we saw the heartbeat and my Dr. said that our chance of miscarriage was basically none at that point. It gave me such a false sense of security and when we MC I was completely blindsided. Since I've only had one loss, I don't know how I'd feel if I had another, but I think it depends on how you see or define your own pregnancy. After this experience, I am definitely more sensitive to all levels of loss while recognizing that late terms losses are their own type of hell that I can't imagine going through (as Jennifer said).

And because I just need to know... @dpjennifer does the dp stand for Dr. Pepper... because I would love that so much.

dpjennifer · August 2018

kgg2241 LOL, no dp does not stand for Dr. Pepper. Hahahaha.

meatballs37 · August 2018

@coco2787

It is so annoying when men don’t get the emotional plus physical havoc we are going through. My DH can be the same way and it makes me question if he is sad at all. I think they are just wired completely different. Still annoying as hell though.

What brand OPK’s are you using if you don’t mind me asking? I’m sorta in the same boat over here wishing for AF to show up, but I’m only 4 weeks out from my D&C. I can’t imagine being at 8 and still be patient. Fingers crossed for you that the positive opk means it’s soon.

coco2787 · August 2018

@meatballs37 I definitely think most men handle loss a lot differently than women. Mine just always feels like he needs to say something to make me feel better, and the reality is, there isn't anything that can be said to make me feel better. You can't fix me, just listen and validate my feelings.

As far as OPKs, I like the Pregmate brand on Amazon. The strips are wider than most of the cheapies I found, and I like that you can also buy them in combo LH/HCG packs. I really like their pregnancy tests too, with my last pregnancy I got a + on them at 9DPO. When I'm trying in a real cycle I also use the CB digital plus OPK, but it really isn't necessary, I just like to have as much data as possible.

meatballs37 · August 2018

@coco2787

My DH is silent about a lot of it unless I bring it up. Sometimes I wish he would just say something, anything. But maybe not because he might also try and “fix” it. And we both know these things can’t be fixed. There needs to be a class for SO’s to learn how to validate feelings I swear.

Thanks for getting back to me about the OPK’s. I just dropped them into my amazon cart. Much cheaper than the ones I picked up from CVS last week. Although I must confess I have been using the HcG tests from work rather than buying them. Shh don’t tell on me! With my last loss the FRER picked up my squinter before the hospital test and those go down to a urine sensitivity of 10. So of course I now have a box of FRER’s, but those can get so expensive.

kindbytealikat · August 2018

@coco2787 and @meatballs37 MH is also a fixer and honestly it's caused some issues in the marriage. With the losses he's generally got a positive to try and put on it. Then one day I snapped and told him to stop trying to fix things, that's not what I need/want, and just fucking listen. Be my shoulder to cry on and just sit with me and say this sucks. Things have been different since then. Not that the fix issue doesn't still come up but it does happen less and he truly tries to not be compelled to fix. I think the thing is that our H's don't want to see us hurt so they want to take that away by fixing something.

zamoraspin · August 2018

@kindbytealikat I'm glad the DD did not hit you too hard. I know for me the anticipation of those anniversaries is often harder than the day. Glad you are getting on track at work and hope it helps to distract you.

@kgg2241 I'm sorry you are feeling pessimistic but that makes sense that it is a defense mechanism. Keeping expectations low often makes disappointment a bit less, although still painful. I hope this cycle defies your current expectations, good luck testing on Friday.

@dpjennifer If you don't like pumpkin spice or football I bet fall is not your favorite season!

@lin0442 Fertility meds really mess with your emotions. Are you doing clomid or femara for the IUI's? Idk if you've seen The Last Jedi but I felt the way a Porg looks when I was on clomid. It was not pretty. And the extra progesterone also makes me miserable, especially at first.

@nomangos23 I'm sorry everything is triggering for you right now. That is really hard, and it sucks, and I wish I could say something more helpful. It is really hard after loss to wait/be benched because there's no momentum and all you've got is the pain. I hope the next hCG test is negative/low enough you can start to move forward.

@meatballs37 @nomangos23 @dpjennifer My losses have all been similar in timing ranging from 5w - 8w, the furthest we've gotten is seeing the HB). I can only imagine how much worse it is to get so far into a pregnancy and then lose a baby.

For whatever reason the first loss (which was a blighted ovum dx'd at around 8w) hit me the hardest and is still so hard to think about. There was a period of time between appts (it was 5-6 days I think) when we weren't 100% sure what was going on, and I probably went through all the stages of grief 30 times a day every day. I kept thinking "I am not having a miscarriage, because truly bad things don't happen to me." There was something deeply shocking about having that first mc, I wasn't myself for a long time and I think now I'm probably a somewhat different person than I otherwise would have been. But after that, even with the most recent baby we lost where we did see the HB, it was not shocking in the same way. For example, we had an appt at 6w6d and saw the HB, and I had no mc symptoms, but I left work to go to our 8w appt and I brought my laptop and a file I needed for a conference call later that day in case I wasn't able to go back to work. That's how unsure I was that the appt would go well. My RE really thought everything would be fine, DH was devastated and shocked that the HB had stopped only hours before the appt, and I was the one who was like, yep, of course this is happening again. It didn't mean I wasn't incredibly sad, I was, and am, but I think the first loss for me remains the worst because of how shocking it was.

Also - DH was hit really hard by our fourth loss but the other ones didn't seem to impact him quite as much. It's hard because when you mc there's no escaping it when you are the woman having the mc - it's your body going through something terrible.

@eleven_ Thank you for sharing that quote.

@coco2787 I'm sorry the board fuckery is messing with you in addition to all the other pain you have right now. I think the benched/TTA thread is out of control... which does sometimes happen, sometimes people don't read the room. Like, come on man, wanting to drink at a wedding is not a reason to be in that thread.

@holly321 I'm hopeful for you and I'm glad you are too. I didn't respond to your cs/q question on testing/treatment but I think you should do whatever testing you want, your body has been through a lot, so whatever you want to do to speed up the process I support 100%.

lin0442 · August 2018

@zamora_spin They have me taking gonal-f/FSH plus a trigger shot. I don’t have tooooo many side effects directly from the meds, but I feel like I’m riding a much more intense hormonal/symptoms wave after O both cycles. Lmao at feeling like a Porg looks, that’s too accurate.

zamoraspin · August 2018

@lin0442 May the Porg be with you.

holly321 · August 2018

@zamora_spin, thank you. My obgyn is supposed to call me tomorrow to discuss the future. I think, I would like to take it easy the next few months , hit I am really neurotic and all, so I doubt my hopeful, laid-back feelings will subside. (Seriously, if I didn't know better, I would worry I was bipolar with the way my worry/nonchalant feelings change.)

And I think the first miscarriage takes away and innocence you have. You are elated and feeling like all is well in the world, and it all comes crashing down.

meatballs37 · August 2018

AF just arrived. Sigh. I was really hoping we might get lucky not knowing where I was in the cycle following my D & C and manage to conceive still. You hear all those stories about how fertile people can be after a loss.

I guess here we go...cycle three off the 6 month bench.

I am at the point where even if I eventually turn a test again. The joy has been completely sucked out. And I wonder if I will ever feel at ease about it all.

Feeling defeated tonight.

suzycupcake · August 2018

@meatballs37 ((((((((

))))))))

suzycupcake · August 2018

@coco2787 I think the reason the benched thread might've turned into that is my fault. I added a "waiting to start ttc" at the beginning of it and I should not have. I added a list of stuff to the ultimate newbie guide based on what I've learned since I've been here. Since it's already pinned to the top, I'm not sure any members currently here will go back to that and read.

antera23 · August 2018

Hi all! Im new around here and decided to jump on to say hi. I am so sorry to meet you all this way. ***TW*** I had 9 weeks and 4 days to dream of my baby and our future. We had names picked out. The baby was going to be our first and we were so excited. I found out I was miscarrying on 7/24. I chose to miscarry naturally and it happened on 7/27. I love sharing what I call my birth story but I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. Even with the trigger warning. All I will say is that it was the most painful experience of my life and the whole staff at the ER were absolutely amazing. I had a D&C on 8/2 to remove tissue that was left. I was ready to be done after being in so much pain I couldn’t function for 6 days.

Status: We accidentally started TTC. It was my fault. I miscounted/wasn’t paying attention.

I am struggling with a pregnant coworker. She will be starting on Monday to replace another coworker. She is due two days after I was supposed to be due. I’m just thankful she will not be stationed at our location like I thought. But it will be hard to see her even if it’s infrequent

I will test in 2-3 weeks if I haven’t started my period.

August is way too soon for pumpkin spice! I’m still into watermelon, peaches, and iced coffee!

TTCAL W/O 8/13

Re: TTCAL W/O 8/13

Choose Another Board

Search Boards