I wish I had known that breastfeeding is not all rainbows and butterflies...It is an indescribable pain. And that just because it hurts, doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong!
I wish I had known that breastfeeding is not all rainbows and butterflies...It is an indescribable pain. And that just because it hurts, doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong!
But it can also be normal for it not to hurt.
With DD it was 6 weeks of pain. With DS, it was easy and I had absolutely no pain.
Also, don’t stock up on a certain kind of pacifier or bottle until you’re sure your baby will take it. Some kids can be picky. Once you’re sure though, buy a lot of pacifiers because those things disappear like nothing else.
Or diapers/wipes! Don't buy one brand because you think they're all the same. I had one baby that I could use any brand on and another that I had to use seventh generation ($$$) for. Diapers can be a pain to return so make sure you keep your receipts!
Our RainbowBaby H arrived at 37 weeks on 12/20/16!
Baby E arrived at 37 weeks on 01/31/15!
Married my Marine 05.23.14
*TW* TWIN LOSS 7.2.15 BFP 9.7.15 CP BFP 12.31.15 MC 2.28.16 BFP 10.14.17 CP BFP 3.10.18 D&C 4.13.18
And to call for EVERYTHING. Do not be afraid that the doctor will think anything less of you. If you are concerned, advocate for your body and your baby. In a few months they will be done with your ass anyway. But it can save a life.
I wish I would have known that the bulk of the shit I worried about in the beginning doesn’t mean jack after the baby grows older. It’s okay to make mistakes and go against the “norm.” You’re not going to ruin your baby’s future if things don’t go the way you planned them to. It’s okay to do things differently than your friends and especially what the internet says is “right.” Trust your gut.
I wish someone would have told me how much I would loose myself in that first year. How I had to tear down who I was and then start rebuilding. I wish someone would have told me about the 100 days of darkness and that for me it would be much later. I wish someone would have told me to quit my flipping job that made me go back to work 2 weeks PP because that was traumatizing and is time I will never get back. I wish someone would have told me it was okay to not like the baby stage, that I might enjoy a toddler more, and that doesn’t make me a bad mom.
I wish someone would have told me how much I would loose myself in that first year. How I had to tear down who I was and then start rebuilding. I wish someone would have told me about the 100 days of darkness and that for me it would be much later. I wish someone would have told me to quit my flipping job that made me go back to work 2 weeks PP because that was traumatizing and is time I will never get back. I wish someone would have told me it was okay to not like the baby stage, that I might enjoy a toddler more, and that doesn’t make me a bad mom.
@norweigan I worked from home so I was able to do most of it in bed but yeah...two weeks. It was also very part time but it was still deeply upsetting. I’m so glad I quit that job. Working from home without childcare was a terrible, terrible thing to do to myself.
Another thing - That first year is really trying even in the best of marriages. Sleep deprivation can do terrible things to people and relationships.
YES YES YES! I was ready to divorce my husband (he’s a good husband & dad) but shit got REAL when everything was tough. I’d be googling “is it normal to hate your husband after baby”.... (spoiler alert: it is) After some of his insensitive (dumbass) remarks I remember thinking, he’s dead to me.
I thought breastfeeding would be this easy process, where baby just knows what to do. Boy was I wrong, be sure to use the lactation consultant in the hospital, they are your best friend! Do not be self conscience about nursing in public, I was so nervous someone was going to say something or I was going to have a nib slip (I had to use a nipple shield during my entire breastfeeding time) that I brought pumped milk with me so I could avoid embarrassment. BOY WAS THIS A MISTAKE. This is why I believe I got mastitis twice. This time IDGAF what people have to say, especially family! I am going to feed my baby whenever, wherever.
Also, to the spouse things, it is a scientific fact that husbands can sleep through a baby screaming. Therefore, you may have the instinct to stab them in the middle of the night, but when I was overwhelmed I woke up DH. It took me a while to realize he legitimately did not hear DD crying.
Lastly, family will drive you nuts if you do not create boundaries. I had family demanding for me to drive 6 hours with a newborn. I had my mother force us to drive her back to her hotel (1 hour away) when we had a 2 day old, this time boundaries are set, I ain't got no time for additional stress and crazy. I tried to accomodate and make DH and my family feel involved, but this time it is about whats best for my immediate family (DD, DH, me, new baby).
@adough27 This is all so helpful. Especially the reminder to have some grace with H when he doesn't instinctively know what to do to help. I know it's going to be so hard to remember this in the moment, but having a team mentality instead of a "me vs. him" mentality is going to be key to keeping marriage and sanity intact through this.
I totally agree with all PP about husbands/partners/spouses being totally clueless and infuriating. On the flip side, I’d really caution us all to not baby our partners. I know this was exacerbated by my PPA but I felt like I needed to hold my husbands hand when he was doing everything when in reality, he knew how to change a diaper after the first day. There was no reason for me to micromanage everything he did, and it made it tougher on me to not see him as an equal in terms of parenting ability. So I’d say to ask for help when you need it, and trust that your partner knows how to take care of your child just as well as you do.
@BourbonBiscuits that’s a great point, I know it’ll be tough for me not to micromanage. We’re starting on the exact same level, neither of us have any experience with raising kids or taking care of newborns, but I still know I’ll be wanting him to do everything exactly the way I do it. It’s ridiculous. At least I’m aware of it enough that I can hopefully catch myself before I say or do something stupid.
I totally agree with all PP about husbands/partners/spouses being totally clueless and infuriating. On the flip side, I’d really caution us all to not baby our partners. I know this was exacerbated by my PPA but I felt like I needed to hold my husbands hand when he was doing everything when in reality, he knew how to change a diaper after the first day. There was no reason for me to micromanage everything he did, and it made it tougher on me to not see him as an equal in terms of parenting ability. So I’d say to ask for help when you need it, and trust that your partner knows how to take care of your child just as well as you do.
Oh another one - expect your garbage to triple if you use disposables. Even CDing, I was shocked at how much more garbage we produced with one tiny addition. It's wild.
I totally agree with all PP about husbands/partners/spouses being totally clueless and infuriating. On the flip side, I’d really caution us all to not baby our partners. I know this was exacerbated by my PPA but I felt like I needed to hold my husbands hand when he was doing everything when in reality, he knew how to change a diaper after the first day. There was no reason for me to micromanage everything he did, and it made it tougher on me to not see him as an equal in terms of parenting ability. So I’d say to ask for help when you need it, and trust that your partner knows how to take care of your child just as well as you do.
Totally agree, and wanted to add don’t beat yourself up if your partner is more nurturing than you are. My DH has a 15 yo, so DD wasn’t his first rodeo. I felt clueless while everything seemed to come naturally to him. I let it lead to thoughts that there was something wrong with me, and it added to my PPD, instead of being grateful that I have a husband that is good with babies.
Also to add to @BourbonBiscuits perfectly worded post, let your spouse figure things out for themselves. They may not do things exactly like you and that is exactly how it’s supposed to be.
I totally agree with @adough27 about setting boundaries with people, especially family! Somehow people feel the baby is free territory and they deserve to have the experience they envisioned regardless of parents’ desires. I feel this way especially about ILs but I know it’s not always the case. My family is very respectful of our wishes but DH’s family still makes comments about our (very normal) parenting even though we see them only twice a year. My MIL also had fantasies about getting my infant alone and constantly pushed me in early weeks to take him out without me. I genuinely could feel she wanted me out of the picture for her time with him which I think is very weird. Often still does this type of thing. Its hard when it’s so new but try to stick with your gut. People will push your personal boundaries and act like their unreasonable expectations should be met without question.
Also, yes let your husband do his baby work. If not, you’re just enabling him to later pass off his share onto your “capable” shoulders. If you both know the drill, much easier to split the work!
@kayjay44 thank you so much for sharing that article. I sent it to my husband, who has been walking on eggshells around me lately/fearing for his life. It’s difficult to articulate in to words to him how I’ve been feeling, but that article hit the spot!
This thread has been so helpful to me and I’m sure to all my fellow FTM! : )
@grebretso that’s how I felt too - I just wanted him to do it MY way. But how boring would it be if our child was raised by two robots doing things the exact same way? It really helped me to watch DH with him in the early days and know that there were weaknesses I had as a parent that were his strengths and vice versa. Still to this day my H cannot handle when DS cries. He had to leave the apartment when we sleep trained because he couldn’t handle it. Whereas I could close the door, get in the bath with the fan on with a glass of wine and watch him on the monitor to make sure he was safe until he fell asleep.
@cass06_07 I’m so glad you did because I laughed out loud in my office when I remembered something today and was going to revive it.
THE QUEEFS. I forgot about the pregnant/post part in queefs. My body has never done that before I got pregnant with DS. But suddenly I’d be trying really hard to empty my bladder completely (lift and jiggle!) and suddenly I’d queef and it made me laugh out loud.
How much the first six weeks sucks in general! Baby is new, you're still getting to know each other, you still look pregnant, your nipples are sore. Everyone wants to come over, but it's hard to tolerate company. You question the color, quantity and texture of poop way too many times everyday. But then then like magic, you fall into a routine and one day you know exactly what that cry means without even trying.. And it's all fucking worth it. And then six months or so later you figure out what the term touched out means. Ugh that's the worst feeling to have!
Oh I might get flamed for this one. Not everyone rips while giving birth for the first time. My group from D14 had a few like me that had no tearing, most had very light tearing (A stitch or two) and yes one or two had it pretty bad but the majority didn’t. I guess I should thank my late teens and early 20s for that because DD was a solid 8lbs and has my big head. I was sore but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.
@madreofdragons DD was born sunny side up with a large head very quickly and I didn’t tear. DS has/had a huge head. No tearing. My pushing was about 20 mins the first time and 5 the second. Not everyone tears.
@madreofdragons@kayjay44 I tore pretty significantly but ... it wasn’t that bad? Don’t get me wrong, getting stitches with a failed epidural wasn’t my favorite thing I’ve ever done, but healing wasn’t all that horrible. I think I was much more afraid of it than I should have been. I was just religious about the squirt bottle when peeing, taking warm baths and checking with a mirror every few days. Lol looking at the carnage was probably the worst part.
That being said, my F17 BMB put the fear of God in all us FTMs that tearing was the worst thing and so painful and you should do all these massages to avoid it and ask your nurses to hold your butt in a certain way to not tear. So maybe I just expected it to be way worse than it actually was.
I actually did not tear at all either, I do credit some of that to having an epidural because it allowed me to push in a controlled way instead of frantically trying to push the baby out.
@kayjay44 yes to this article! The exhaustion of balancing home, work, husband, child, can be overwhelming sometimes. When DD was an infant, I fell asleep at my desk pumping and when I woke up, I had 14 minutes to get to her daycare. Phone alarms save lives people.
Oh boy, not looking forward to all that stuff. Hopefully I'll find a part time job before kiddo reaches school age! Hats off to all working parents, you're doing a helluva job.
Pumping at work is the fucking WORST. People at my old job loved to assume I was just dicking around on my phone the whole time when in reality it was the only uninterrupted time I was tethered to my desk when I could answer emails. But then either you spill milk everywhere or your back hurts from sitting awkwardly while typing and pumping. I just kept an extra shirt in my bag because I always ended up spilling milk all over myself. Plus there’s this awkward sexuality about boobs that disappears when you’re breastfeeding or pumping at home, but is still present when pumping at work. Like at home I felt normal nursing or pumping (if a little bovine), but pumping at work felt like public nudity.
Pumping at work wasn't ever a big deal for me - I mean, I felt like a food source, but we also had amazing pumping rooms at my old job. At my current job, we have free hospital grade pumps and work supplies each mom with a kit.
Re: Wish I would have known!!
BFP 6.8.2018 EDD 02.18.2019
With DD it was 6 weeks of pain. With DS, it was easy and I had absolutely no pain.
BFP 6.8.2018 EDD 02.18.2019
*TW*
TWIN LOSS 7.2.15
BFP 9.7.15 CP
BFP 12.31.15 MC 2.28.16
BFP 10.14.17 CP
BFP 3.10.18 D&C 4.13.18
I also wish I would have snuggled, rested, and watched more tv with my first. I was a SAHM.
That sleep is beautiful. And sleep training is okay.
To give the baby some independence if he/she is content.
BFP 6.8.2018 EDD 02.18.2019
After some of his insensitive (dumbass) remarks I remember thinking, he’s dead to me.
Also, to the spouse things, it is a scientific fact that husbands can sleep through a baby screaming. Therefore, you may have the instinct to stab them in the middle of the night, but when I was overwhelmed I woke up DH. It took me a while to realize he legitimately did not hear DD crying.
Lastly, family will drive you nuts if you do not create boundaries. I had family demanding for me to drive 6 hours with a newborn. I had my mother force us to drive her back to her hotel (1 hour away) when we had a 2 day old, this time boundaries are set, I ain't got no time for additional stress and crazy. I tried to accomodate and make DH and my family feel involved, but this time it is about whats best for my immediate family (DD, DH, me, new baby).
BFP 6.8.2018 EDD 02.18.2019
BFP 6.8.2018 EDD 02.18.2019
BFP 6.8.2018 EDD 02.18.2019
I feel this way especially about ILs but I know it’s not always the case. My family is very respectful of our wishes but DH’s family still makes comments about our (very normal) parenting even though we see them only twice a year. My MIL also had fantasies about getting my infant alone and constantly pushed me in early weeks to take him out without me. I genuinely could feel she wanted me out of the picture for her time with him which I think is very weird. Often still does this type of thing.
Its hard when it’s so new but try to stick with your gut. People will push your personal boundaries and act like their unreasonable expectations should be met without question.
Also, yes let your husband do his baby work. If not, you’re just enabling him to later pass off his share onto your “capable” shoulders. If you both know the drill, much easier to split the work!
This thread has been so helpful to me and I’m sure to all my fellow FTM! : )
THE QUEEFS. I forgot about the pregnant/post part in queefs. My body has never done that before I got pregnant with DS. But suddenly I’d be trying really hard to empty my bladder completely (lift and jiggle!) and suddenly I’d queef and it made me laugh out loud.
BFP 6.8.2018 EDD 02.18.2019
That being said, my F17 BMB put the fear of God in all us FTMs that tearing was the worst thing and so painful and you should do all these massages to avoid it and ask your nurses to hold your butt in a certain way to not tear. So maybe I just expected it to be way worse than it actually was.
https://www.workingmother.com/25-most-annoying-experiences-working-motherhood?con=FbPgPostAds&loc=WKM&utm_source=00119b#page-4
BFP 6.8.2018 EDD 02.18.2019
BFP 6.8.2018 EDD 02.18.2019