August Mental Health Checkin

suzycupcake

***This thread has a general trigger warning.*** 

U.S: National Suicide Prevention :  1-800-273-TALK [8255]

Chat option:  

https://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

Link to Canadian Resources:

https://suicideprevention.ca/need-help/

 This is a safe place for more detailed support in mental health, struggles, and successes.  Whereas general stress and issues are often discussed in R/R of dailies, this place is for a more focused discussion of the impact of mental health.  Members are encouraged to use thoughtfulness and depth to examine feelings, barriers, and useful supports. 

This post can be replied to at any time during the month. Not limited to those with a mental health diagnosis, but please be sensitive to others. We will attempt to be as flame free as possible!

Feel free to share, vent, or support other members on this thread. Share a picture/gif that expresses how you feel or provides some comfort. 
If you need help getting started, try filling out the form below:

Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?:

Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA):

How are you feeling?

Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.)

vl_16

@suzycupcake thank you for starting this. I've been MIA for a month or so bc of my work, so apologies if I missed the start of this thread.  But I think it's great to address the role mental health plays in the TTC journey  



Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?: Bipolar Type 2
I started on the bump a few months ago to understand medications and the choices we make when TTC

Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA):
WTO

How are you feeling?
Absolutely exhausted. Taking lorazepam for sleep but cautious of dependency. 
A bit down. Got AF while traveling after 2 days of spotting. Got my hopes up for implantation bleeding. Just want to be home  

Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.)
In treatment,  both therapy and psychiatrist. On lamictal, was benched to wash out lithium. 

dpjennifer

I swear this said August Mental Health CHICKEN.... which I was sorta excited about, so here's my gif:


Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?: Depression and anxiety from unexplained RPL

Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA): WTO. CD 4. 

How are you feeling? Not too bad at the moment. Seriously contemplating giving up the journey and living childless not by choice. But I'm not certain what all I can do. I mean, I'm still going to get AF every cycle, which is just going to remind me of what I don't have and how my body has let me down time and time again and science has no answers and insurance is useless and specialists are almost equally as useless... and that all just makes me super bitter. So not sure if calling it quits (Taking My Eggs and Going Home) is really a 'solution' for me or not. But this endless cycle of BFN, depression, etc. has just got to end. Also depressed because I've gained some weight back so I'm still no closer to having RE let me do Clomid than I was almost a year ago. *sigh*

Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.) therapy... definitely in therapy. Also, I take happy pills, for which those around me are severely grateful.

vl_16  Ugh, I started spotting like 4-5 days before AF should have arrived and I totally got my hopes up for implanatation. Sucks to get hopes up and be shot down. 

sheepshepherdess

Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?: Depression/anxiety. Not having a good day/week/month for depression specifically.

Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA): TWW/WFAF

How are you feeling? The progesterone is making me extra depressed. I have every side effect listed and I'm about to scream because new cramps this morning are for AF, and today is 12dpo. I'm with you on this @vl_16. 

Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.) I'm fine. No meds but could use some therapy at this point, DW is tired of being my therapist...

That chicken!!! Thanks for that @dpjennifer. New mental health icon for me. I am with you on useless insurance and specialists, though your losses have been so much greater. I'm also contemplating when to stop this madness and just live child free. 

TW live children:

My cousins' kids came to visit yesterday and see our farm animals. And pretty much my ovaries exploded in sadness, I was so overwhelmed with how beautiful they all were and how I certainly do NOT want to live without children. Yet now babies and kids always make me cry. I wish there was affordable, effective science that could actually help. 

Warning, VENTING:
I am so sick of friends and family (both those who know and those who don't know we're TTC) saying horrible things about how easy it is to get KU, how I should really think of adoption, how they don't know any folks struggling with IF, etc. I'm sure I'll be ready to think about fostering/adoption when I am in my 40s. Until then, let me waste all our savings and inheritances on TTC while I still have a chance.

@suzycupcake appreciate you starting the thread, how are you doing this week?

vl_16

@dpjennifer i know it's hard to keep your head up. But don't give up. I am glad you're going to therapy. I hope that's able to provide some help on your journey. I'm sorry that you haven't found the help from your specialists. FX you'll find one who can give some better guidance. 

kiki047

Thank you for starting the thread @suzycupcake. Been thinking about you, how are you doing? 

@vl_16 does the lorazepam help you sleep? I take it as well (see below). 
@dpjennifer YES, that chicken! Sometimes unexplained is worse than an actual diagnosis. I'm sorry for your losses. It's hard enough when you feel like your body has let you down, but then to also feel like your specialists and doctors can't help either, that doesn't help provide any comfort. like vl_16 said, FX you can find someone who will help you keep trying. 
@sheepshepherdess I'd recommend therapy. My therapist was my lifeline. I looked forward to that hour with her every week for 2 years. My SO provides the daily emotional support I need and lets me vent to my hearts content, but sometimes I feel like I burden him with my worries then we get into this back and forth where I'm stressed that I stress him out, and he's stressed that he made me feel stressed when he's trying to help me unload..... GAHHHH!! Therapy is good for both of us in that respect, lol. 


Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?:
Anxiety/depression/panic attacks

Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA):
Can I even say I'm WTO if I don't ovulate? UGH. My real status is just bitter today.

How are you feeling?
I've been in hiding on TB and feeling sorry for myself lately since my official PCOS diagnosis, even though I've known in my gut for months. My heart is sad. My brain is mad. Compared to many of you amazing women we're only on the first leg of this marathon journey we find ourselves on and we know we still have lots of options to explore. When I try to put it in context I know it's not the end of the world, but on a day to day basis I'm struggling to wrap my head around it. 

Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.)
I was seeing a psychotherapist for the last 2 years, I had stopped going last fall because I was finally in a better place in my life but this has been a big setback. I need to find some time to go see her, but I'm mindful of how much time I take off work at the moment as I'm anticipating a lot of upcoming appointments as we move forward with treatment options. I have a prescription for ativan (lorazepam) for my panic attacks, which I've been weaning myself off of since we started TTC. I take it sparingly only in an emergency if my CBT techniques don't work. 

vl_16

@kiki047 lorazepam helps me stay asleep (lamictal causes nightmares), but it's also known to be addictive. While I've tried it for panic attacks, it's more valuable for me as a sleep aid. But I'm trying to only take it sparingly, as I'm worried about psyching myself out of sleep without it. Just work with your dr to talk about what weeks to stop if you get KTFU. 

How do you like CBT? I've only done a few sessions lately (did DBT years ago), but it's hard to train myself to do the exercises. Do you find it effective? 

suzycupcake

Ladies, I only started this thread as a copy because @holly321 started this last month and it helped me so much!

@vl_16 I don't remember you but welcome back to you dear Lorazepam is such an amazing drug. I think it's good that you are being cautious about dependency. It shows you probably won't have a problem with it. I can't imagine what bipolar is like but I'm so glad that you are in therapy and that it helps you. Hugs.

@dpjennifer Girl, you have given me more love than you know in the ttcal thread. I relate to the feelings you feel in here and with your ttgp journey. Just that, the bitterness and anger. I wonder, have you gotten a second option yet? I hope that things look up for you soon. I wish that I could say something to take the pain way

@sheepshepherdess I so get what you mean about people mentioning adoption. It's so hard because on the one hand, you don't ever want that to be like a last resort, but on the other, it's so difficult to hear that from other people who don't struggle with the same. I'll bet you that your wife doesn't see herself as your therapist and loves you so much, that she would do anything for you. There is no shame in that. I've always known that life is so hard and being with someone is about having someone else to do life with. Hugs to you dear  

@kiki047 I'm so sorry honey. I thought there was a reason you weren't posting here. I know it doesn't seem like much but I hope that knowing that you aren't the only one with pcos in here, helps you somewhat. What are your CBT techniques that aren't working? Perhaps, in my limited knowledge, I could give you some new things to try. Hug hug. 

Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?: Depression

Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA): Nothing right now because ff took my chs away. This is an an-o cycle for me. 

How are you feeling? I'm feeling much better than I did last week because of this thread. Seriously...

Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.) I agreed to take a project starting in december. I'm a television/film producer. I am making a documentary right now of my own, but I think getting out of the house to work will be a good thing since I haven't done it since March/April of this year. 

I feels so far from thinking that I'll ever be able to get pregnant again. It's very very hard. I also cannot stop thinking about my daddy and I don't want to. I know that some day I will be able to do something that will cast light on what he went through with cancer. I know that I will. I just wish that he would be here to see me do it. Last night, I drank too much wine and cried my eyes out, quietly enough to not wake my husband up because I just wanted to cry alone for once. I went into the bathroom and started talking to my dad out loud, telling him how much I miss him and telling him that I hope he knows how much I love him. 

It's so hard because I want to talk about him every day but I have nobody to talk about it to except my mom and my sister, who are the only ones who knew him as well as I do. My mom is busy trying to find a new place to live and my sister is busy with work. I know that I could call them at any time and I often do when I'm up late at night and cannot stop crying. They are the only ones who can get me to stop crying. 

Ugh.... the other thing is nobody in our families calls us about our struggle with IF. Nobody calls to ask how we are doing and to support us through it. It is just so hard. I know that we will all die someday and I knew that about my dad, but it doesn't make the pain any more easy. It's so deep. It's so huge and it's so painful. 

I sometimes have momentary thoughts about my own mortality and it's so awful to experience. Those thoughts are intrusive and I barely tell anyone about them. I share it tonight because I have had too much wine again and I just need to say it. The thoughts give me so much anxiety. I'm so scared to share them with other people because I'm afraid that they will have the same thoughts if I share them. I know that is just a lie, but it still grips me. 

The hardest part is knowing that I made the decision to fly home when I knew my daddy didn't have much time left. I figured it would be easier to not watch him die. I regret that decision every moment of every day. Then I decided that I needed to go back but it was too late when I decided. My husband was the one to tell me that he died when I got home for work ready to pack my things to fly back. I'll never forget that moment. I'll never forget it. That feeling will always be a part of me. And it makes me cry even more to know that I cannot possibly imagine how difficult that was for my husband to tell me that news. 

I miss him so much. I can't even begin to describe the pain I feel inside. He was my hero. The last words he said to me were, "I love you" and "You keep the Lord in your heart!" He could barely speak but the volume of his tone increased in those moments, for me. 

Lamenting, is such an amazing thing. I'm so glad that I have you ladies to lament with. Love you all so so much I really do. I barely know any of the ladies on here, but I love them all and pray for them often. Maybe that makes me seem weird, but I don't care. 

dpjennifer

@sheepshepherdess I've started reading the "Life Without Baby" book. I'm only a small percentage of the way through it, but I'm hoping it will help me close this chapter of my life as childlessness becomes almost a reality at this point. A friend of mine who TTC with infertility for several years said it helped her a lot when they decided to stop their journey to become parents. 
vl_16  Thank you! I love my therapist.
suzycupcake Thanks. I have worked with 2 REs. The first one really pushed IVF. The second opinion said that if I lost X amount of weight, my MC rate would be exactly the same trying on our own as IVF, so he wouldn't waste our money on IVF. He did say we could try Clomid if we wanted (a very low dose, since we already ovulate on our own, but to hopefully help egg quality), but he wouldn't give it to me until he reached the certain weight. Just adds a whole new level of stress to this already stressful situation, especially since losing weight is VERY difficult for me. Sorry for all the crying, but sometimes it is better to just cry it out. I also struggle with thoughts of my own mortality, ever since my MCs. Super morbid, but it's just one of those things. I'm trying to channel it into actually living and appreciating each moment of life. I also started listening to this audiobook The Last Tribe, which is really good... not usually my thing, but it's about a pandemic that wipes out 99.9% of the world's population and the few remaining survivors are all coming together and whatnot. So it's not like zombie apocalypse trying to not get murdered... but about surviving and appreciating each other and the simple things in life. So anyway, the point of this book I'm written is that I'm trying to take more of a 'live in the moment' approach. Even though I'm like SOOOoooo far away from doing that as I'm a Type A, plans way in advance, type person. But just trying to appreciate the little things and little moments in life right now.

suzycupcake

@dpjennifer Sorry it took me so long to respond. I was wallowing in myself there for a bit. Appreciating the little things and living in the moment sounds like a really good plan. I might try that. I can only imagine the stress of having to try losing weight to improve things, but I'm curious as to how your doctor knows that. Did he say it is a cause of loss?

dpjennifer

suzycupcake Honestly, I'm at the point where I think a lot of RE's are a hack if you can't do IUI or IVF or one of the few tests available don't show anything. It sometimes feels like OB medical field hasn't advanced much past what it was 100 years ago. But that's my bitter rant... I think the doctor's are pointing at weight because I've done all of the tests that I can at this point. I'm basically left with IVF (with NO guarantees because they've no idea what's wrong) or trying on our own or giving up. They said we have a 30% chance of MC with IVF and we have a 35% chance of MC continuing to try on our own. If I lose another 10 lbs (at this point), I'd be in a weight range where they believe I'd have a 30% chance of MC continuing to try on our own. So he doesn't want to give me clomid until I reach that certain weight number. But honestly...I feel like it's ridiculous. It feels like he's telling me that me being 10-25 lbs overweight (the amount of fluctuating over the 'ideal number' he wants) is what's killing my babies?  Eff off.... But I think they just don't have an answer... so losing weight is the only thing they can try. It's all that's left.

suzycupcake

@dpjennifer Damn that ob if that is what he is thinking! A 5% difference does seem like a pretty ridiculous reason to be placing such a big magnifying glass on weight. I'm so sorry. Have you and your husband talked about trying ivf because maybe they can pinpoint something during that process? I don't know your story really so I'm assuming nothing was found for rpl testing? I agree with you about the ob medical field. It's not fair that ivf is the holy grail of figuring things out, if at all. I have a lot of strong opinions about healthcare for women in general 

meatballs37

I’m new to this thread, but I appreciate that there is one here. 

I have struggled with general anxiety disorder and depression pretty much my entire life. I’ve been on just about any type of medication out there. 

*TW*

My lowest two points in my life were PP after my daughter was born. I had awful PPD and when she was 3 weeks old I was admitted to the psych ward for a few days. 

My second lowest point was when my twin sons died last year due to prematurity. 

*End TW*
Since then though, I have worked really hard the last year with therapy and meds. We are back to TTC I’m off Xanax which sucks because it helped me a lot with sleep. 

Anyone have a successful med that is ok to take while TTC to help with sleep? 

holly321

@dpjennifer, I am sorry. It angers me every time you mention that your doctor's answer is only weight.  It sucks, my thoughts are he has no answer so wants to act like he isn't doing nothing, which it seems like he is. 
As for living in the moment and not planning everything, that is one of my biggest weaknesses and something I have been working on lately.  I  hope you can find a way to enjoy the little things in life.  I used to be great about appreciating the little things and getting happiness and enjoyment from simple things and I gotten away from it. I find having something to look forward to always helps, always keeping something enjoyable planned, even if it is small.

@suzycupcake, *hugs*.  Grief is the worst feeling.  It has so many feelings mixed up all together and hard to know which you are feeling sometimes.  I can not imagine losing a parent, everything you have said about your dad, he seems like an awesome guy.  You mentioned wanting to talk about him, and I know it is hard to do with family members who are dealing with their own grief and life, would writing about him help?  


Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?: OCD, binge eating disorder, PTSD

Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA):
Wto

How are you feeling?
Seriously struggling with OCD stuff.  We bought a house that we are renovating, and cleaning stuff is getting to me. I feel so contaminated.   I am also getting frustrated, my family/friends don't seem to get the difference between germaphobia and dealing with feelings of contamination, (literally can't type out what the contaminating factors are because I feel like I could gag.) 

Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.)
Just here.  I always say I need therapy, but finding time is hard.  

dpjennifer

suzycupcake Yeah, all the RPL testing showed a big bunch of nothing. So I've been benched while trying to lose weight, and we finally were like Forget it, we'll try again on our own. Basically it sounds like both RE's think either we've had a lot of flukes (*sigh* Yippee...) or it may be bad egg quality. IVF could help the latter, and really would be the only way to know if it were the latter. However, because they really do NOT know and aren't even SAYING they think it's bad egg quality, IVF feels like a shot in the dark. A very expensive, my insurance doesn't cover ANY of it, with no remote guarantee, shot in the dark. DH really doesn't care if we have babies or not, so the fact that he was supportive to get all of the testing done is amazing. So he is really against spending that much money for a shot in the dark (He's actually said that for the amount we'd pay for one cycle of IVF, we could BUY a car instead.  GRRrrrrr.... Cause a car = same joy as a baby). Also, IF it is bad egg quality, the low dose of Clomid is supposed to help with that, and costs WAY less to try. So, DH is not thrilled about that, but more willing to give it a go. But the weight thing has definitely pissed me off... *sigh* Like you said, I think it's all they are left with suggesting, unless we pull a lot of money out of our pocket. And I guess they feel this way they are 'empowering me' with something I can control. HA! 

meatballs37 Sorry about the meds and all of your struggles. I know xanax is more for anxiety, but I was given Sertraline which is a class C drug (Zoloft). It gives me night sweats, but I don't have issues sleeping on it (or well, no so than normal). But, apparently it can either HELP you sleep OR give you insomnia. It's a crap-shoot. Could be worth a go or at least something to look into and discuss with doctor. Also, can I ask a personal question. You say you were admitted to the psych ward with PPD. My 4th MC hit me even harder than the ones before it and I was really really bad... what can/does the psych ward do to help that the regular meds and therapist can't? You can always PM me if you don't want to spill your guts on here. Or tell me to go fly away if you want as well. I know it's super personal. It's just that we're obviously still TTCAL again and well, with as bad as the last one was, and the next one may be the 'last' one for me, I just... I'm a bit worried if/when I MC again.

holly321 Ugh, yes... living in the moment can definitely be a struggle for me. I mean, I think I do ok with it on vacations and fun days off and weekends sometimes... but during the work week it's a definitely issue.

meatballs37

@dpjennifer PM sent

also, one off question. How does one post a spoiler in their post? Is it possible to do on mobile? 

dpjennifer

meatballs37 It's easy peasy to spoiler NOT on mobile. You just highlight what you want to spoiler, hit the backwords P (formatting marks button), and hit spoiler. You can also add the spoiler box first and then type in it. But, I don't use mobile almost ever, so I'm not certain how to do it on there. Maybe someone else will weigh in?

meatballs37

@dpjennifer thank you! I got it to work on my computer. But for some reason the mobile version is wonky. 

vl_16

Sorry for delay here. 

@suzycupcake Unfortunately, I didn't get a ton of time before going back on the road. Happy to be back and to prioritize the community. It's a great opportunity to talk about the TTC experience and to help each other.
I'm truly sorry about your loss. I don't know what it's like to lose a parent, and I can only imagine the effect on your TTC journey.
While we haven't been actively trying very long (just 3 months with 1 benched), I do understand not feeling support from family. I feel disappointed that we didn't get pregnant immediately. My sister had her kids so easily, joking her husband just has to look at her. My cousins and aunts had a ton of "surprises." And here I am actually trying.

@meatballs37 re: TW, I'm so sorry about TW 2. I'm sure that's a trying journey. I definitely worry about the first TW. Glad you're back to TTC. 
Lorazepam helps me with sleep and staying asleep, but there are certain weeks you can't take if you're able to conceive. Just talk to a doctor. 

@holly321 Can't imagine all the obsession that must come with a renovation project. I know you don't have time for therapy. Not sure if your insurance offers a teletherapy option (my new one doesn't, but old one did). There's also talkspace, though not exactly cheap. I find it more like a diary with weekly feedback. 

meatballs37

@vl_16 they gave me lorazepam in the psych ward and that stuff did really work. I think if I’m out this cycle, I’m going to talk to my psych about it. I can’t keep going on four hours of sleep a night. It blows 

suzycupcake

@dpjennifer Thank you for sharing some of your journey with me. I'm glad your husband is on board with some things. I can understand the fear of ivf financially because there is no guarantee. I wish you well in trying to lose weight and that you'll find a great group of ladies to do it with. That always helps me to feel motivated anyway. Hugs Hang in there! 

suzycupcake

I wrote this letter to my Dad's oncologist on the cancer care center's facebook page. I feel very good about it and it helped me to release a little bit of grief. I really hope the doctor sees it. Maybe I should also mail her a letter to the center. 

This review is about Dr. Liu. I realize that my father died of cancer in December, but this review is not about that nor do my expressions come from that.

The support staff at IL cancer care were amazing from the reception ladies to the Nurses, etc. The issue I have (as one of my Dad's healthcare POAs) with Dr. Liu is that I had to fight every step of the way to get her to do anything. Things like order a molecular profiling of his tumor samples to find out what treatment options were best for his type of lung cancer. He was diagnosed in May and we finally got profiling done and results in August. The Dr. told us that he had a mixed type of cancer and the reason he could not have surgery is because there was small cell, but the profiling results only found one type, not small cell.

We must've asked ten times to give us a referral for a second opinion with a surgeon oncologist because she kept telling us that surgery wasn't an option. She didn't agree to a referral until the cancer had already spread.

We also asked many times to have him referred to one of the clinical trials he would qualify for. She did not even consider it until the very end.

When we first met her at OSF hospital, we mentioned that my father wanted to add medical cannabis as a treatment option. She acted as if she was so supportive of that choice but told us that it would be better discussed at ICC instead. It took months to get the ball spinning on that. We filed a terminal application with a local dispensary. The state expedites in those cases. We were told by Dr. Liu that without treatment, he would have 6 months or less to live. By the state's legal definitions, that qualifies him as a terminal patient. So much communication went back and forth with the state to find out that they never got the Drs agreement in the mail. So the staff sent another. It was discovered eventually that Dr. Liu had filed a non terminal application with the state, which completely ruined everything.

When we brought it to her attention, she came into my father's treatment area to say that she doesn't want to lie to the state and say that he's terminal when he is on treatment. I tried to explain to her that 6 months or less to live is terminal regardless of treatment or not. She disagreed so we had to go through the entire process again just to get him a medical card which took even more time. I contacted the state and told them about this and they said it was clear the doctor didn't understand the definition of terminal.

When his blood counts became dangerously low, she did not think it was an issue even though I kept telling her that his heart doctor said it was because he had heart problems. I fought and fought and fought just to get him a blood transfusion. It took his heart doctor calling her saying that it needs to happen for her to finally order it. We knew when he was diagnosed that I was the same blood type as him. We expressed it to Dr. Liu that if he ever needed a blood transfusion, that I would be the one to donate to him.

She completely disregarded our wishes so we fought her on it. She finally addressed it in a very passive aggressive manner questioning why it was so important to me that it be my blood that I give rather than understanding that it was my father's wishes. Then when the pain became out of control, she ordered fetanyl patches. It depressed his breathing and when I called ICC, I was placed on the phone by an on call doctor who actually fell asleep on the phone as I was talking to her. It ended up being that I took him into the emergency room because I knew 6 breaths per minute was dangerous because I have previous experience as a nurse on a med surg floor.

I was told that he could've died that night from pulmonary embolism had I not had that training and took him in to the ER. That part wasn't about Dr. Liu but where was she? She never even addressed it. The pain never got under control. We asked for palliative care but received less than adequate care of the issues. We asked for a referral to pain management and she wouldn't give us one.

When the cancer spread, we got on the phone as a family and I started asking her questions about where it spread to, how big the spots were, asked if they were sure it wasn't leftover hot spots from radiation, etc. She became very passive aggressive with me saying that what does it matter because it has already spread to his liver. That was extremely unprofessional.

Then she did the unconscionable by telling my father that the only way to get his pain under control was to sign up for hospice. My Dad was born in the 50s. Hearing the word hospice to him meant that's it. So that's what my Dad believed. He stopped all treatment because of that and went into hospice. We were instructed to stop his diabetes medication, his heart meds, psych meds, blood thinners, etc. He was so doped up that he didn't know where he was. My sister and I had to fly back to IL to put a stop to all of the meds they were giving him, giving strong narcotics at the same time as benzodiazepines which is very dangerous and lethal.

He ended up getting blood clots all up and down his leg, and experiencing great anxiety and panic from the psych med withdrawal, etc. Where was Dr. Liu? We asked her to be taken off as his directing doctor under hospice because we had just had enough.

I know that in my grief that I must choose to forgive, but I want others to know of our experience with this Dr. I really truly believe that being in this profession for so long has to way so heavily on a person's heart, including doctors, but maybe it's time to reassess what you're doing and make some changes because it caused our family SO much grief when we were going through the most difficult time of our lives.

Dr. Liu, if you are reading this, please make some changes. I really do believe that you did care, but you didn't show it, at all. It's okay to show a patient that you care about them. It's okay to comfort family members instead of working against them. It's okay to offer words of hope to a patient even if that doesn't end up working out. It does not make you weak or irresponsible as a professional.

meatballs37

@suzycupcake reading about your father’s care makes me really angry for you and your family. It makes me question why some people decide to work in healthcare if they aren’t even going to care about the patients they treat. Especially in a field such as oncology. I wouldn’t blame you one bit for not only suffering from grief from such a tremendous loss, but also a lot of unresolved “what if’s” that stemmed from his poor care.

I am a hematologist in our local hospital and we work very closely sometimes with our oncologists. My DH also had cancer in his early 20’s and does see one for a follow up every year as part of his remission. In my 7 years of working there and with my DH’s appointments, I have never heard of one of our oncologists serving such crappy treatment, crappy follow through, and shitty bedside manner as your father’s.

We often get calls from our oncos directly to the lab making sure the tests went out for specific testing, or if they can come look at the slide themself. They always seem VERY involved in their patients care. And we as techs in the lab often get annoyed because they are breathing down our necks for results sometimes. 

You are 100% justified in feeling the way you do. And I commend you for writing that letter. Hopefully she will see it. Maybe it will help other patients decide to use another physician. 

suzycupcake

How is everyone doing this week?

antera23

Hi all. I’m new around here and I’ve been lurking. This seems like a safe space to jump
in and participate

Mental Health Diagnosis: OCD and GAD. Past history of major depressive disorder. 

Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA): More like waiting for my body to stabilize. I haven’t had my cycle again yet. 

How are you feeling?: I’m tired of checking. I want to be able to just leave my house without getting stuck in my OCD pattern. I’m tired of not feeling safe in my own house for no reason. I’m just weary. 

Where are you in your mental health journey?: I’ve had 2 appointments with a behaviorist. He has started me on the ACT path. It is amazing how much that has helped my fearful/anxious thoughts. I feel like it is helping me feel like I have some power over my thoughts. The new meds are working ok. I’m scared to increase again. I had a bad reaction to the higher dose but that was also two days after I was under anesthesia. So I’m not sure if it was the combo or too much medication.

I hate that there is no cure for anxiety. I just want the thoughts to go away. That’s not going to happen though. I have to learn how to deal with the thoughts as they come. Sometimes that makes me feel really down and sometimes I wish I could go back to how my brain was before. 

suzycupcake

@antera23 I hear you. That's one of the hardest parts. The thoughts of missing your old self. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It's good that you are working with a behaviorist and I'm glad that it's helping. One step at a time.

Me...I'm drunk right now. I miss my best friend who died in April of last year and my dad who died in December.

I miss them both so much. I had a dream last night about her contagious laugh. I was on a bus and I heard it in the distance. I knew it was her right away and I searched everywhere for her and found her. We talked awhile and spent time together. Then she was gone again. I wish I would also dream more about my dad..


Omg I miss him and her so much. I wish there was something to make the pain go away. It's almost 4:30 am. God please help me. It was so hard. Watching him waste away like that. It was so hard. Daddy I miss you. I wish you were here. I did a video chat with mom today. She showed me her new apartment and I had to choke back the tears knowing that she has to do life without you. No matter how much I miss you and how sad I am, the grief that I feel, I know that the grief she feels from losing the love of her life is greater, and that makes me so much sadder. 

I just want to hear your voice. To hug you. To kiss you. I'm sorry I couldn't save you.

suzycupcake

I have been having panic attacks at night over the past few days. Mostly a fear of death. I noticed anxiety levels rising because some of my old childhood fears are coming out. I recognized that in therapy a long time ago, that when I start to be afraid of the dark again or afraid to leave my feet out of the covers or whatever, that anxiety levels are high. 

I think it's time that I actually reach out and get some grief therapy. 

sheepshepherdess

Lurking...

@suzycupcake I'm so sorry you're in this state, but I'm glad you're going to reach out and find a therapist who can specifically help you with the grief. I find that when I'm in that state of mind everything gets folded in together: all the grief over losses, and my own pain, and then I twist the whole world into something darker and wronger than it really is. I hope that therapist can help you untangle some of that stuff. Creepy internet hugs in the meantime 

nomangos23

@suzycupcake My heart is breaking for the pain you're feeling right now. I wish there was something ANYONE could do to make it better for you. I found this podcast called Terrible, Thanks for Asking when I was at one of my lowest points and it helped me cope with grief more than I realized. I don't often recommend it to many people because it can be pretty dark but Nora (the host) does a F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S job talking about grief and how people grieve differently. I just spent 20 minutes trying to type out a good description of the podcast but could do it no justice. Anyway - thought I'd recommend it if there was a chance it might help at all. 

suzycupcake

@sheepshepherdess and @nomangos23 Thank you for reaching out to comfort me I haven't found someone yet, but I've been reaching out to a lot of my friends (including the people who lost a parent or who are going through it recently), support groups, etc. I also purchased a kindle book to read and practicing a little more self care. I should've already been doing that but instead, I chose to drink knowing full well that it would become a habit and only serve to prolong grief. So now that I've stopped that, I am starting to feel good about reaching out and talking about it with the people around me. 

My husband suffers from anxiety too. God bless him, he is trying so hard to be there for me while being forced to face his own anxiety about death and dying. 

antera23

@suzycupcake I just saw this post today. Thank you for saying what you did. I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time. Grief therapy would be such a good idea. Sometimes we just need extra help. It’s so hard to lose someone you love. I hope you’re doing better now. I’ll be thinking about you. 

suzycupcake

@antera23 How are you doing this week? Also, what is ACT?

@holly321 @dpjennifer @kiki047 @vl_16 Don't mean to put you on front street. Just wondering how this week is going for you all. 

antera23

@suzycupcake thank you so much for asking. I know this thread has a general TW but I just want to say ****TW**** just in case. I had to be at a meeting with a coworker who is due two days before I was supposed to be due. It was awful. I am so glad I only have to see her every once in awhile. After that meeting my heart just felt heavy the rest of the day. It’s been a rough week. I’ve felt so tired no matter how much sleep I get and I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. I’m definitely engaging in emotional eating. But I know I will be ok. Today I felt sad and I was wondering why. Now I’ve reflected and identified the cause I feel like I will feel better. Those therapists always tell me “you’ve got to name it to tame it”. 

Honestly, I forget what ACT stands for, lol. It’s basically practicing mindfulness. I was instructed to imagine my anxious thoughts painted on the side of a train going past, or on a leaf loating down the stream. I am supposed to practice separating myself from my anxious thoughts and observing them. Then I’m supposed to move into deep breathing. 

How are are you doing?