STM+ Chat - Month of July

runningyogimama

Okay, ladies! Here’s a place for those of us who are STM+ to chat/ask questions this month!

lifesabeach85

What have 3tm+ found helpful to get their toddler on board with the new baby coming or help with the transition when baby came? Or what are other 2tm doing to help with an adverse toddler? I know many say their kids are excited but mine is NOT. She sometimes will “care” for her dolls and she occasionally shows interest in friends’ babies. But overall she is very hostile to the idea of a new baby coming to live with us. She’s not great on sharing (when we get our old toys and gear to put in baby’s room she wants them back again) and loves being the center of mommy and daddy’s world so I have a feeling it will be worse once there is an actual baby here. 

highsteaks

@lifesabeach85 i am wondering this too. 

at first, dd wasn’t happy when it sunk in that she was getting two siblings. she went through a period where she wanted to be a baby again—sitting in the infant bucket seat or laying in the crib we brought out in the new babies’ room, wanting to drink milk out of a bottle she saw, being held like a baby and sucking on a toy she called a pacifier. honestly, we induldged her in hopes that it got it out of her system. thankfully, it worked and she stopped after a couple weeks.

i’ve been working on getting her excited to be a big kid: randomly reminding her of all the things she gets to do because she’s older and not a baby in a positive way.

i never relate how poorly i’m feeling or why i can’t do something for her because of the babies; for example, i’ve stopped picking her up full stop and i’ve used the excuse that it’s because my hip hurts instead of saying it’s because my belly is too big.

i never reveal that the old baby stuff and gear we’re bringing back out was ever hers (which only works because she’s a bit older and hasn’t used/seen the stuff in a couple years).

her toys are her toys, and i told her that she doesn’t have to share them if she doesn’t want to, but in the same breath i tell her that babies learn what we teach them, so if she wants them to share with her she has to show them how she shares first. i apply that logic to a lot of things: being gentle, being nice, etc.. i think she gets it and maybe it goes hand in hand with being the big sister and leader (which is very much already her personality).

if i do talk about the babies, it’s usually stuff like they are going to love her, they are listening to her right now, they’re so lucky to have such a wonderful sister who will take care of them.

i honestly expect for all the effort to be for naught, at least for the transition period/fourth trimester. things will get crazy and i’m sure i’ll lose my temper at times. but kids don’t remember stuff this early, so i’ll try to focus on just surviving until everyone’s a bit older and things calm down.

BabyBoyH92016

My 22 month old doesn’t really understand he is getting a sibling, so I’m quite nervous it’s going to be a shock. Hopefully he will understand as the date gets closer. He does have a baby doll and it was suggested to me by his speech therapist that a month or two before the baby comes to carry baby doll around and incorporate baby doll into what we are doing (like bedtime stories, dinner, etc...). The idea is nice, but it sounds like a lot of work for me.

I see the book Siblings Without Rivalry being recommended all the time in parenting FB groups. Im going to try and listen to it on audible before baby comes. Even though a lot of the information won’t be useful until the baby is older, I’m pretty sure they cover how to prepare your child for a new sibling. 

highsteaks

would this concern you enough to take your kid to the doctor? at the beginning of june, dd dropped her toy xylophone on her big toe. she has this blood blister under the nail, and it’s not obvious whether it’s getting better or worse. this is what it looks like right now (1.5 months later). ***warning, picture of toe in spoiler:

jessielynn1

@lifesabeach85 My youngest goes back and forth with being excited about baby and not having it at all. My 7 year old is good he’s been thru this a few times before and he’s exited. So is my 3 year old daughter she’s excited and is very nurturing already so I think she will do fine. My little guy says things like no baby or I’m the baby etc. We were making a lot of progress with potty training until DH had the great idea of of telling him he’s a big boy and the diapers are for the baby. So now he’s refusing to use the toilet or wear his brief which sucks. 
I try like what was said in PP to not tell anyone we can’t do something because of the baby or how shitty I feel because of the baby. I also make time in our insane schedules to make time for all the kids to have some alone time with me doing something they like. I find that really helps if you can swing it, that they aren’t always competing for attention or whatever. 

BabyBoyH92016

@highsteaks I hate taking my toddler to the doctor when he’s not sick because I’m afraid he’ll catch something at the office. If it’s not getting worse, and it’s not bothering her, I’d personally would just wait until the next routine checkup and bring it up then. We have an online portal system where I can message the doctor and even attach a picture. If you have something like that, it might be worth it to message the doctor and see if this is something worth coming in for. 

Edited to say: If you are really concerned it’s always worth going to the doctor even if it’s just to put your mind at ease. Better safe then sorry. 

emjohn517

Highsteaks I think that’s actually pretty nornal
for a month old bruise like that, especially on a nail. Is it hurting or bothering her? 

mockingjay1

@highsteaks - I think it looks pretty normal for what happened. As long as it isn't bothering her and her actual toe looks fine (not still red/swollen) I wouldn't be concerned. If you're worried about it you could always call the ped and explain and see if they wanted to see her.

We tell DS that he'll get to help with the baby (he's 3.5). He absolutely loves helping out, so I think that he's excited for that. I'm sure it will be an adjustment, but we're just trying to keep a positive spin on everything (while still telling him babies sleep a lot, cry a lot because that's how they talk at first, etc). We'll try to schedule time every week where it's just me and him and/or DH and him so he gets individual time with just us too. He'll be almost 4 when baby comes, so I think it will be a little easier on him than say a 1.5-2 year old. 

We are still trying to decide between 2 and 4 mornings of preschool for DS. I have until Aug 2nd enrollment. I am pretty good about getting him out and about now, but I know with a newborn it won't happen near as often so we're leaning toward 4 days a week so he's around other kids and gets plenty of stimulation. 

highsteaks

thanks @BabyBoyH92016, @emjohn517, and @mockingjay1!
it doesn’t seem to bother her, and tbh i’m not concerned that much about it, just gauging whether i’m under reacting. i was second guessing myself. if it’s still around during her next well visit (in oct) i’ll definitely bring it up then. related btw, does anyone else’s doc office bill a well visit as a sick visit if you bring up something nonemergent during it? super annoying because mine does even if it takes 2 seconds to diagnose it as nothing to be concerned over. then i’m stuck paying $90 towards the deductible instead of it covered 100%. i thought i was doing right by not scheduling an extra visit for something small, but it doesn’t seem fair to be billed for what was 99% a simple wellcheck. ugh, insurance.

BabyBoyH92016

@mockingjay1 I did 5 mornings of preschool 

My kiddo is a major extrovert and we are out and about all day unless he’s sick or the weather is terrible. Right after breakfast he starts bringing me his and my shoes and says “bye bye” or “go, go”.  I know we won’t be able to get out of the house enough with a newborn at winter time. Our preschools fill up pretty quickly. I can always drop a day or two, but it would be hard to add days once the school year starts. 

wildrainbow

DH is really pushing to potty train ds. The thing is, he is nowhere near ready. Cognitively he understands what the potty is for and goes to the bathroom with both H and I (because toddlers have zero boundaries and dont understand private time), but he is not physically ready. Explaining that to H is like pulling teeth. I think he just wants him potty trained before the baby comes, but I have zero desire because it's not worth it right now. I'm ok with having 2 in diapers for a bit. Ds will not do it until he is ready and can do it. The kid hates failure. I'm just trying to figure out how to explain it to H without it devolving into a fight, since I will be the one that will be doing most/all of the work. 

middleschoolmommy

@lifesabeach85 DS has no idea what he is in for! He knows that there will be a baby, but he's never been around one. He went through a phase of wanting to be the baby again, but now it's all about him being a big brother, which means he's a big boy and will get to do more big boy things lol. I'm just going to roll with it. He will be going to preschool during the week, so he won't have to be around the baby 24/7.

mockingjay1

@wildrainbow - I hope your DH realizes you can't PT a kid who isn't ready. There's not point on making it a stressful experience on any of you, and on the off chance he did get PT before baby came... I've heard it's very common to have PT regressions with a new baby around. I'd be the same as you - waiting until after baby sometime when DS is actually ready.

pelorunningmama

@wildrainbow my 23 month old DS is no where near being ready to be potty trained. We trained DD at 25 months and she did great. I would love a short break from diapers, but it isn't worth the stress and bad associations it could create to try now. I hope you guys can get on the same page. Tell DH it really isn't all that great. Once they are potty trained, a new obsession starts. They have to go to the bathroom every time you go in any store, restaurant, etc. Or at least that is the case for us. DD loved to check out bathrooms and use them pretty much anytime we went anywhere for the first year or so after being potty trained. 

@lifesabeach85 we also talked a lot to DD about how much fun it would be to get to help mommy and daddy with the new baby. When DS was born, we did the whole "present from the baby" thing for DD. She still remembers everything he gave her (2 years later) and talks about how special it is to her. DD was a few months short of 3 when her brother was born, so we actually were entering a super rough period with her. I think part of it was having a new sibling, but a lot of it was just being a "threenager." We did buy quite a few books that talked about becoming a big sister and read those a lot. I also tried to incorporate DD into as many baby projects as possible (like setting up nursery decor, practice swaddling on her babies, etc).

@highsteaks I wouldn't go to the doctor for that. I think you're good since it isn't bothering her.

@mockingjay1 we did 5 days of "mother's day out" for DD when DS was born! The days were short 9 to 2:30 and it kept her in a solid routine that I wouldn't be able to provide with a newborn. She loves being around her school friends, so it really worked well for us. And I still felt like we got a good bit of time together at the end of the day since she napped at school. 

wildrainbow

Thanks guys. It may a moot point as he may be moving soon to start a job. We are waiting on the "official" offer. I'm overwhelmed with everything. 

MojieJo

@wildrainbow DH is the same way with our twins.  They're definitely not ready yet, but he really wants them potty trained.  I'm sure it's because he doesn't want to deal with three kids in diapers at once, but he can't seem to understand that you can't train a kid who's not ready.

I can't even imagine what we'd be in for trying to train two at the same time when they're not ready!

emjohn517

As of right now, DD is pretty ok with talking about “baby sister.” We read big sister books, she plays with her dolls and calls them baby sister. She lays on my belly and waves to baby sister. She came to our 2 US apts and was excited. She’s helped me clean and pick out things for the baby. But Im sure once baby is here it’ll be an utter shit show. DD has been a stage 5 clinger since she was born, shes attached to me 24/7, the baby is going to rock her world. But I don’t think any amount of prep is going to really help that lol. 

Def don’t rush potty training. DD is 2.5, we started about a month ago and she was ready. She immediately took to it which was great, but I knew it was time. She’s still iffy about public bathrooms so we do pull ups when we’re out and at night bc that’ll take time. Still some accidents here and there, but it’s a process. Im glad I didn’t try it any earlier than I did though, if she didn’t get it right away it would have been so stressful and frustrating. 

lifesabeach85

We started PT when DD was about 2.5 and for a while it was going great! But idk if it was the baby sister issue or just one of those things but she is having a major regression right now. Le sigh. PT is definitely something I want to have checked off before baby comes (she'll be three and she did it so well for a few months so I know she can). We will continue to do pull ups as long as she's napping and at night for a loooong time. I'm certainly not pushing that until she's ready!

She has been in a mother's morning out preschool (9-12) a few days a week and is signed up for five days next year. I know I will like having the time with new baby, but I worry that DD will feel abandoned. I know it will be hard to get out and about with both especially if the baby wants to nurse all the time like DD did. One of my cousins just had a baby and her three year old threatened to "throw mommy's nipples away" so the baby would stop nursing all the time!!!

highsteaks

potty training is trading one inconvenience (diapers) for another (making sure they go before they leave someplace, cleaning up accidents, coaching them). potty train when the pottier and the parent who will do the brunt of the work is ready. otherwise, everyone will be miserable. having a kid who is mostly potty trained is not anymore convenient than having one in diapers (and i cloth diapered, so i had extra laundry to do with it). 

lifesabeach85

@highsteaks exactly! There are many times I miss diapers. Like the constant asking "do you have to go? are you sure? can we try?" Having to take pants all the way off and put back on, crouching on the floor of a public bathroom, bringing multiple extra outfits, wiping pee off of stuff...

highsteaks

@lifesabeach85 yes!! when we were on our long road trip a couple weeks ago, i wished she was still in diapers. The first rest stop experience was pretty much my version of hell. Tiny, hot bathroom. Trying to convince dd to try to pee because we wouldn’t have the opportunity to again for a couple hours. Meanwhile, she was flipping out because it was so loud in there with the hand driers going off every 30 seconds. We faced off in the stall for close to 10 minutes.

BabyBoyH92016

@highsteaks I love your point of view. My son will be two in September and I’m hearing a lot of buzz about potty training among friends who have toddlers close to my sons age. Potty training is not even on my radar and I have no desire to get the ball rolling. 

There was a mom recently at a park who was potty training. Her kiddo had to poop and there was not a toilet nearby. She took him to an area with trees and bushes and let him poop there (she did clean it up afterwards). No judgment since i have never potty trained a kid, but I honestly don’t mind diapers. 

runningyogimama

re: potty training — With DD1, she was showing signs of being ready early, so at like 18 months we tried the 3 day method...and it was WAY too much work. I decided that we would wait until she was older and just let her casually use the potty since she was interested. I’m not a big fan of waiting to potty train until they’re fully ready/older/easier to bribe/understand what you’re saying. Plus, a pull up while out and about is SO much easier than a kid who has to potty everywhere for like a year. I think she was just over 2.5 when she potty trained, and the bonus to that was DD1 was 1.5, so became interested and started sitting on the potty, and shortly after she turned 2, she demanded to be done with diapers, and that was that! 

DD2 (4) is definitely NOT excited about the baby, and she’s been acting out, at home and at school, and she’s usually a perfect angel at school/a little teacher’s pet. She’s also usually a mama’s girl, and she now wants nothing to do with me. DD1 and DD2 were so close in age that I never went through anything like this the first time! 

runningyogimama

Also, for any third time moms, anyone else getting beyond huge beyond fast? I mean, I showed early, but my belly is legitimately as big as at 39 weeks last time, and my boobs have gone from a 34A to a 40DD. I feel gigantic, and I’m going to have to buy bigger maternity clothes! It’s nuts!

herewegoagain3rd

Did anyone paint in their last pregnancy? We will be moving into the new house in about 2 weeks. I need to get some rooms painted before we move in because I don't want to do that once everything is in there. It looks like my mom, my sister, and maybe a friend will be painting the rooms, but they wanted to get the trim work down first. Do you think it is okay for me to do the trim with low odor paint? 

I would be painting a small living room and dining room and two small bedrooms. Just around the windows and doors and probably the doors too. 

highsteaks

@bfpafter4years yes. most high/decent quality paint is nowadays well below the accepted threshold of VOCs expelled and therefore “safe” around pregnant women. if it makes you feel better, open a window and turn on a fan while you work and try to let the room air out as much as you can for the first week. don’t get the cheapest paint available. i recommend sherwin williams super paint (which is suppose to go on sale 40% off this weekend). that’s what i’ve been painting with, and the odor isn’t strong (imo). behr from home depot is acceptable too. glidden is also ok, but last i checked it had double the amount of VOCs as behr. you should be more concerned about overexerting yourself and wreaking havoc on your hips and back (which i mention because i was so much more sore painting this pregnancy than i ever was prepregnancy).

pelorunningmama

@runningyogimama my boobs were giant to start with but are bigger now. I’m not certain of the size. I also have gotten a lot bigger much faster this time. Compared to the way I looked with my last two, I would say I look anywhere from 28 to 30 weeks and I’m only 24. My bump was just a lot smaller with my prior pregnancies. I’ve stopped weighing myself because I don’t need the negativity. But my arms have lost almost all muscle tone, despite working out 5 to 6 times a week. I’m hoping that I’m still able to recover and regain muscle as quickly as I did with my first two, but I’m nervous.

runningyogimama

@wannaflickone My arms have also lost all muscle definition in spite of continuing to lift! I’m jealous of the women who are all belly and not big all over, haha. I also had a harder time getting back in shape the second time with the same effort as the first (like it took twice as long to lose the baby weight and get my fitness level back), so I’m nervous for this time! I was able to start running again by 3-4 weeks postpartum both previous times, so I’m crossing my fingers that everything goes smoothly this time, also, and I can do that time time, too. 

lifesabeach85

DD just kicked me out of the playroom and said “no mommy play!” So I’m on the stairs dying over here 

wildrainbow

@lifesabeach85 That's awful! 

So, I've been struggling really hard with losing my time with just ds. I know what everyone says that I have enough love to go around, etc. But I still struggle with the loss of just ds and I. We have a great routine and he's so loving. It kills me that he will lose some of that with the new baby. I think it's because I went through hell to get him here safely and he has come so far! From preemie tiny baby to a super tall 2 year old. He had no words just 7(ish) months ago and now he talks constantly. I've always been there for him no matter what and I've never been away from him really. Being in the hospital and delivery scares me so much because I won't be there to tuck him in for probably 4 days. Gah! Pregnancy hormones aren't helping me with this. Any tips on getting past this? Or preparing myself better?

MojieJo

I feel like a FTM again.  I'm freaking out all over again because I can't visualize what it's going to be like when baby is here (exact same feelings as last time).

I know what it's like to have a newborn (well, two newborns, so technically this is different and hopefully easier), but I just can't imagine what our life is going to look like for some reason and it scares me.

I overthink things, though.  A lot.  Anxiety is a bitch.

herewegoagain3rd

@MojieJo I was just coming here to say this! I really feel like a FTM all over again. It has been so long (6 years since DD was born). I feel like I have forgotten everything. I am having to buy everything all over again too so that doesn't help. I am even thinking about taking a birthing class again because I am sure I forgot stuff. 

It is a weird mixture of knowing I'll be fine because it is never as big as you make it out to be being a FTM, and being nervous because I don't know what to do. 

BabyBoyH92016

It’s funny how quickly you forget things. When you are in the thick of the newborn stage and doing things over and over round the clock, you feel like you will NEVER forget it. I’m also finding myself nervous for a newborn and feel like i need a refresher. 

With my son we lived in a condo. Baby and I basically just hung out in the living room all day. All his stuff was there. Now I have a decent sized house and a toddler who runs around all day. I feel like I don’t know where homebase will be, since we really are all over the place. I’ve been thinking about logistics and where I should put things and just can’t haven’t figured it out yet. 

highsteaks

thinking back to past conversations with friends about their rough transitions from 1-2, my mantra is “i’m sooooo f*cked.” 

mockingjay1

wildrainbow said:

@lifesabeach85 That's awful! 

So, I've been struggling really hard with losing my time with just ds. I know what everyone says that I have enough love to go around, etc. But I still struggle with the loss of just ds and I. We have a great routine and he's so loving. It kills me that he will lose some of that with the new baby. I think it's because I went through hell to get him here safely and he has come so far! From preemie tiny baby to a super tall 2 year old. He had no words just 7(ish) months ago and now he talks constantly. I've always been there for him no matter what and I've never been away from him really. Being in the hospital and delivery scares me so much because I won't be there to tuck him in for probably 4 days. Gah! Pregnancy hormones aren't helping me with this. Any tips on getting past this? Or preparing myself better?

This is me too. We have such a good routine (preschool twice a week, music class once a week, and then whatever else - zoo, children's museum, botanic gardens...) While I'm so grateful and excited for this baby, I feel like I'm grieving the time I'll lose with DS. It doesn't help he'll likely start going to preschool 4 mornings a week this year on top of it. He'll turn 4 about a week after this baby is born too, so I know I am going to be an extra hot mess that day with the postpartum hormones.

iheartbooks

I have a four year old dd and I worry about losing our “us” time too. Luckily she’s in preschool five days a week so I feel like that will both give her routine and allow me time with the baby so that I can feel more free to focus on her some when she’s home. Or maybe I’m being naive about all of this, ugh. I thought it would be easier since she’s a bit older but my sil just had a baby and my nephew is five and she said it’s still been a really rough transition. And I know everyone says your heart grows with a second baby but I seriously am panicking about how I’m ever going to love anyone as much as dd. I’m sure all these pregnancy hormones don’t help.

lifesabeach85

One reason I’m taking DD so seriously when she says she doesn’t want a new baby is because I get why she wouldn’t. She’s the center of our universe and has our undivided attention. @wildrainbow @mockingjay1 I am also sad at losing our special bond. I keep telling myself that one day these sisters will have a special bond of their own! 

hollyeva

I hear all of you on the PT stuff. DD2 is turning 3 in August, and while she's had interest and occasionally goes on the toilet at school (and rarely at home) we're not pushing the PT. She's been also doing some of the regressive behavior and being super mommy-centric lately. 

@runningyogimama I feel ya! I've had to buy new maternity clothes and I'm already looking at getting larger nursing clothes because I feel like I'll get more bang for my buck on those. 

@MojieJo Yup, I have moments where I worry that I'm missing out on some critical stuff going on with DD1, and DD2 wants more attention lately which adds to it. Then I remember that I'm playing the long game here and adding another level of complexity to her life that I won't be able to miss. Somehow it helps me knowing she's going to have another sibling to possibly lean on (and they'll have her too!) which makes me feel a bit better.

iheartbooks

Speaking of potty training... anyone dealing with night training? My 4 year old has been day trained for two years but still soaks her diaper every single night. Our pediatrician says we just have to wait for her to hit the developmental milestone where her body wakes her up when she has to pee, and that it’s not uncommon for that to not happen until 5, but I am so over the diapers. I was hoping she’d be totally done with them before the new baby gets here

highsteaks

@iheartbooks unfortunately i think your doc is right. it really is up to when your kid’s body is ready. in the period where dd was having wet diapers overnight around half the time, we cut back on the amount of liquid we gave her leading up to bedtime and made sure she peed at the last possible moment right before she climbed into bed. that’s about the most helpful we could be. within a few weeks, she woke up dry about 99% of the time.