PGAL Check-In Week of 1/3

SkilledSailor

@starla Mine do, especially up until yesterday. In the afternoons I could easily forget I’m pregnant. 

starla

Thank you @SkilledSailor. I feel like I'll go to my ultrasound and there will be nothing there.

danee-crane

1. How far along are you? Any milestones?
4 weeks and 5 days

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms). 

I’m feeling fine, breast’s are just a little sensitive 

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise).          

I’m driving myself crazy. I’m freaked out that I don’t have more pregnancy symptoms. 

4. When is your next appointment?                

 Havnt even scheduled my first appointment yet. I’m wondering if I should just wait till I’m past the 8 week to even see my doctor. 

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)  

I’m mad at myself because I can’t relax and just be a little bit excited, all I am is anxious. 

6. GTKY: What's the best gift you received this holiday season?                                            

Hubby bought me a new car  

Wishilivedinflorida

@Starla I’m feeling the same way. Besides some fatigue, which could just be due to life in general, I don’t feel at all pregnant right now. I’m having lots of worries about a blighted ovum or something. I’m fighting the urge right now to go buy a pee stick with the weeks indicator since I was not offered betas just to ease my mind, even though I know that’s not really a good substitute for betas. I keep trying to remind myself that it’s still early, and it’s not uncommon to not have many symptoms at this stage in the game. Easier said than done! Fx you get some symptoms soon that ease your mind!

starla

Thank you @Wishilivedinflorida. Same to you. 

lumosmaxima

@starla it's still so early. With my two kids, I didn't have strong symptoms of any kind until well after 6 weeks. I had a really bad day a couple days ago because I felt nothing, and it brought up all that anxiety. This first month waiting for an ultrasound is torture, but there isn't really anything to do except wait and try to deal the best we can. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you 

Racso12

@starla @Wishilivedinflorida - Same. I am having pretty much no symptoms. Occasionally I will feel fatigue but I've been going to bed late. I took another pg test last week to make sure it still showed two lines. I didn't know there was a test that will tell you weeks...off to Amazon I go...

Wishilivedinflorida

@Racso12 Now I feel like a bad influence! Clear blue makes them. 

[Deleted User]

@starla @Wishilivedinflorida. (((Hugs)))  my symptoms come and go, too.  Mostly I go through the day not "feeling" pregnant at all!  And then I will grt a weird twinge or throw up a little in the back of my throat and I'm like yah, awesome lol. Honestly, I am trying to lean into those times when I don't "feel" pregnant, as an exercise in trust or courage or something.... that's what's helping me.  Bc the throw up is something I could live without lol

harleyquinn0621

@starla yep it’s normal for them to come and go - it’s not fun emotionally, but normal 

starla

@lumosmaxima @racso12 @BusinessWife @harleyquinn0621 Thank you, all. I never had MS with my previous pregnancies. I feel the same way I do now - just a bit tired, a tiny bit nauseated sometimes, bloated most of the time, and sore boobs on and off. I honestly wish I had MS to reassure me! I feel pretty tired and nauseated now but I think it might be because I'm getting sick. Ugh..

bpietronicco

1. How far along are you? Any milestones?  

5 Weeks 3 days loss at 4 Weeks 3 days 

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) 

Tired, sore bbs and some nausea but not sure how much of that is from the hormones

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise)  

Super nervous.  I had a great first beta and second was not so good doubling wise - third rise time was better but not where it “should be” yet.  Trying to stay super positive 

4. When is your next appointment? 

1/9

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)  

I am so hoping that this is our rainbow baby.  We did IVF and can’t afford another round.  

6. GTKY: What's the best gift you received this holiday season?  My husband and I didn’t exchange gifts as the round of ivf was our gift to each other. 

[Deleted User]

@bpietronicco. So happy to see you here!  Even tentatively! ❤❤❤  Keeping everything crossed super hard for your next beta... (((hugs)))

bpietronicco

@BusinessWife thanks!! I figured I would make the most of it and hoping for the best!

bissie17

@Racso12. Thanks so much. I'm learning to be patient and if you don't have my best interest in mind, bye bye. 

@starla. Sometimes I don't feel pregnant at all and I  had to remind myself to take it easy because of little or no symptoms. I know this is the honeymoon phase right now.  By 6 weeks  it will be a different story. So enjoy, while it last.

lumosmaxima

Thinking about symptoms coming and going...I've been really yo-yoing emotions these past few days. I'm almost 6 weeks, give or take, and this is the point that things stopped developing last time. I didn't think it would affect me much, but it definitely has. I'm sorry if this is triggering for some - but the fact that I didn't know anything had "gone wrong" last time (it wasn't discovered until my ultrasound 2 weeks later) is really tripping me out. I was very panicky last night and it took a lot to stay calm and distracted. I feel ok today but I guess I just wanted to dear diary post in case anyone else was dealing with the intense ups and downs too. 

starla

@lumosmaxima Yup same. *TW* With both of my MCs they'd were missed and I didn't find out for three effing weeks. The first time I started to not feel pregnant gradually, but with the second I felt KU the whole time. I felt so betrayed by my body that I was so hungry and eating and just getting fat for no reason. *End TW*

Racso12

@lumosmaxima I feel the same as you. Last time I waltzed into my dating ultrasound without a single concern. What a shock it was to find out I was having a mmc. I am so symptomless right now at 6w1d. It's really starting to concern me. I am constantly trying to reason with myself and tell myself it's just my PGAL brain and I need to just chill. But the fear is always there. Dear diary anytime here! No need to be sorry.

iluvgoldies33

Yes i second the feeling of being frustrated with my body at the time.  I too waltzed into my dating ultrasound only to find out i had a mmc. I had already gained weight and was feeling all the symptoms. My body was plugging along thinking everything was fine. This was ~8 weeks. They confirmed it 2 weeks later but i knew it over at that first appointment because i knew my dates from using OPKs. 

So now i just want to make it to the point when we hear the heartbeat.

MandyMost

@Racso12 and @iluvgoldies33 my first pregnancy i waltzed into the dating ultrasound, and they had me come back a week later (clearly they had some doubts but didn't convey them to me, so I just though they wanted to confirm some stuff they couldn't see yet) and I waltzed into that one too. On Christmas eve morning, no less (about 3 years ago). And on that one we found out it wasn't viable and I had a D&C the day after Christmas.  I was so terrified waiting for the ultrasound last time (my 3rd pregnancy; the second one I had a MC before getting to that point) and it ended up being great and I have a beautiful daughter, but this time I'm just as terrified. That feeling which is a million times worse than a "punched in the gut" feeling when you think everything is great and find out it's not is just so terrible, and it just sticks with you so much. Somehow it's helpful to know others have gone through it too...I felt like such an idiot for not "expecting" bad news that first time and being caught so off guard. 

MrsAdventure

1. How far along are you? Any milestones? 4w4d, unconfirmed. No milestones yet.

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms): All of my symptoms have subsided except for being overly tired. Other than that though, I'm feeling pretty decent.

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise): Getting more anxious by the day honestly. I've never had so few symptoms the first trimester and it's freaking me out, honestly. Usually I'm sick as a dog, major heartburn, emotional but job... It's throwing me for a loop really. 

4. When is your next appointment? Ugh, Feb. 13th. Seems like such a long wait!

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here): I'm annoyed with myself because I so want to enjoy this pregnancy, but I'm so nervous about my symptoms going away. And in my mind I know better than to compare previous pregnancies, but I was so, so sick with my last two that I can't seem to stop worrying.

6. GTKY: What's the best gift you received this holiday season? My mom got me a floor stand for embriodery. I've been wanting one for ages so I'm excited to get some projects going.

starla

@MrsAdventure I know the anxiety, stress, and worry that comes with having little symptoms or having them come and go. Honestly, try not to think about it. You'll drive yourself nuts. FX for some reassurance soon!

chelseattc2

Just found out about pregnancy today which makes me 4w 2days. I think I will be fearful of another miscarriage until I hit 8weeks as it happened at 6-7 weeks last time. My first appointment is tomorrow as I am due at have an ovarian cyst taken out at the end of the month so I need to make sure everyone is updated about the pregnancy. 
I already have two beautiful kids 2 and 4 yrs old and wasn’t expecting a third so soon, but am happy about this pregnancy.
Best gift I received for Christmas was a beauty and the beast handbag  
I am a big disney fan and general nerd

starla

Hi all! I need some help.... I have my first ultrasound on Monday and am terrified. I think I have PTSD related to ultrasounds due to my two MMCs. I'm worried that they won't see anything, that it's a blighted ovum, or molar pregnancy or something. I peed on another stick this morning and it was still very positive, but then I was reading online that with those two conditions, HCG can keep increasing as if the pregnancy is progressing normally. All this shit scares me so much.

I want a baby very much, but I don't think I can go through this again and am afraid this might be our last shot at it. It's so difficult to not get attached. I don't know what the best approach is to prepare myself for Monday - should I expect the worst? Should I totally detach myself from this pregnancy and pretend that it's just a normal doctor's checkup and nothing is happening? I can't allow myself to be hopeful because that will destroy me.

On top of everything else, DH is out of town for a conference and I don't have anyone to go with me. Sorry for the DD. I just needed to get it off my chest.

Wishilivedinflorida

@Starla Oh yes, I’ve so been there before. Two MMC where ultrasounds turned out to be so very very awful, then pregnant again and terrified to look at the screen. To make matters worse, I was bleeding so badly before my first US with DS. I had given up all hope and was pleasantly surprised with the findings. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to approach this. I myself am a “expect the worst and hope for the best” kind of person. I think at this stage in the game it’s normal and very protective of your heart to not be hopeful. I had all these same feelings and things turned out all right. I’m so hoping your appointment goes well. Do you have anyone to go with you that you trust so that you don’t have to be alone? I think that would help. 

starla

@Wishilivedinflorida Thank you so much for your response. I just texted my one friend to see if she could come with me. A lot of my friends live out of town. My MIL lives down the street from the clinic, but I feel like that would be way too awkward to have her there.

episcowitch

@starla Do you have a therapist or access to telehealth through your insurance? This is so much to process. 

My us isn't until 1/30, but as the days fly by, my anxiety is growing. If it were not for my amazing mental health care team, I don't know how I could function.

Your feelings are so valid. Our fears can sometimes paralyze us. The road we are all travelling is well worn and paved with the tears of our sisters. 

We are here for you. I am sending you love and light. I will light a candle for you and little one on Monday. 

starla

@episcowitch I did see a therapist twice through EAP, but he was awful so I stopped going. Plus it was meant to be short-term. My insurance covers a psychologist, but not counsellors except through EAP. Thank you...

lumosmaxima

@starla I'm so sorry you had to go through that twice I had the unfortunate experience of not knowing anything was wrong until the ultrasound, once. It was horrible. It has been a total mindf* being pregnant again. My appointment is rapidly approaching, and I feel a pit in my stomach every time I think about it.
One thing that has been kind of weirdly helpful for me is to have my plan for a couple different outcomes. I've thought through my plan in case the news isn't good - I will text the people that know "things didn't work out this time, I'd appreciate some space right now", call off work (and thought up my excuse) for the next day via email, etc. I know I will still be a mess but at least I have a plan. I've imagined a good ultrasound and feeling happy. I've imagined the "come back next week for another check" outcome. I've even imagined the drive there, walking in, signing in at the receptionist, etc. It helps me feel more prepared, I guess.
I hope that you can have someone with you, if that is what you want. We will all be with you in spirit. You are very strong and I hope your visit is full of nothing but the best news. I'll be thinking of you

starla

@lumosmaxima Thank you so much. I'm so sorry that you're feeling anxious about your appointment as well. I've thought about an alternative outcome like you said. I guess if we can't have kids, DH and I will just live a life of luxury and travel. LOL I say that half kidding, but I do need some kind of consolation prize. I will think about it some more. Thanks!

lumosmaxima

I hope it didn't come across as me-me-me @starla, totally not trying to hijack your post, just want you to know that you are definitely not alone!

Edit because I said totally way too much. Totally too much.

MandyMost

@starla I can relate. My first pregnancy we found out at the u/s that it was a MC. Nothing can prepare you for that. 2nd pregnancy was a MC before we even got to u/s. 3rd pregnancy, we found out before the u/s that my husband has a chromosomal abnormality that causes first trimester MC. We got to the u/s expecting the worst, and everything was great and now we have a beautiful daughter. I remember the u/s so vividly...so anxious, so upset, and in utter disbelief when they said it looked good. 

My my first u/s is this Wednesday. For lack of a better term, I’m freaking out. I’m trying to be prepared for the worst, but I know I have all this hope, and somehow bad news this time just feels extra devastating.

I have an appointment with my therapist on Monday. I started seeing her earlier this year to develop a relationship essentially in preparation for this. I was so depressed, in retrospect, after that first MC. 

starla

@lumosmaxima LOL feel free to PM me.

@MandyMost Every loss hurts just as much, if not more than the previous one. I can imagine the worry even though you've had a healthy child. Can I ask what YH's chromosomal abnormality is? Good luck with your therapy appointment and your ultrasound this week!

SkilledSailor

@starla *hugs* I was a nervous wreck in the waiting room before my US. Like others, I tried to be mentally prepared for all scenarios. And now I'm doing the same for next week's. I'm sorry you didn't like the counselor you saw before. We're here for you if you need to let things out. This is very hard. 

[Deleted User]

@starla. Were you able to find a friend to come with you?  I like the idea of mentally walking through the possibilities of a good appointment and a bad appointment, and having a plan for each.  And I say, once you have your back-up plan, keep visualizing the positive apt!  Imagine hearing the doctor/ tech congratulating you and you walking out of there feeling warm and happy!  Hopefully that will be what it is, but know also we are rooting for you and will be there for you if it is bad news, too.

Whatever comes, you will walk through it, no matter how painful or scary, you will get to the other side, and it will be okay again.  It has been hard for me to picture a childfree life, but somehow just knowing that people do it and are actually happy, gives me courage that even a "worst case scenario" doesn't have to be all bad.  (((Hugs)))

what time is the apt Monday?

MandyMost

@starla it’s chromosome 22ps+. 

starla

@SkilledSailor @BusinessWife Thank you. My appointment is at 7:30AM tomorrow. My friend is going to let me know today if she can come with me.

starla

Appointment went OK. Baby was measuring 1 day ahead at 6w3d and there was a heartbeat of about 122-124 (the tech told me 124, but then wrote down 122 - I guess they write down the more conservative number).

However... we got DH's DNA fragmentation results back and he has 45% fragmented DNA in his sperm, on average. I'm still processing what that means and doing research. It's likely what's been causing our MCs. Although it doesn't mean this embryo was fertilized by a bad one, I'm not hopeful at this time.

SkilledSailor

@starla *hugs* Is there testing they can do on the baby to ease your mind or is it still too early?

starla

@SkilledSailor I have no idea. They're going to do weekly ultrasounds for me.