PGAL Check-In Week of 1/3

SkilledSailor

This is a check in for those of us who are experiencing pregnancy after a loss (miscarriage, chemical pregnancy, stillbirth, child loss, to name a few). Hopefully we can all lend support to each other through the hormone filled craziness that is pregnancy!

Just a reminder: there is a general loss trigger warning on this entire thread. 

1. How far along are you? Any milestones?  

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) 

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise)  

4. When is your next appointment? 

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)  

6. GTKY: What's the best gift you received this holiday season? 

SkilledSailor

1. How far along are you? Any milestones?  I'm 5w2d. My CP only made it to 4w1d so I've passed that but still feel anxious. 

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms)  I have nausea that seems to go away a little after lunch time (probably because at that point I've been able to get some nutrients in). It is bad enough that I've actually lost a pound since our BFP. Other than that, just exhaustion and tender breasts really. 

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise)  I'm feeling pretty anxious. H and I had been told to mentally prep for IVF though we were going to try other steps first. This feels too easy (clomid + TI) so I'm nervous something will go wrong. FX the anxiety goes down after our first US.

4. When is your next appointment? 1/11, so next Thursday! 

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)  No real rants or raves. We've already told our closest friends and my family. Largely because over the holidays there is lots of social drinking and I'm a big wine person. It would have been super obvious that I wasn't partaking. They all know about our CP so I think we're all cautiously optimistic at this point. I guess I'm a bit sad that no one (including myself) has been joyous just yet.

6. GTKY: I received a wet saw for tiles! I'm pretty stoked about it. My dad and I are going to re-do my downstairs bath next weekend. If there's enough tile left over I'll tackle our master bath on my own soon after.

ambybambi

1. How far along are you? Any milestones?  

~5 wks unconfirmed, I have a ways to go to get past my loss, but today I have my first blood draw.

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) 

Tired

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise)  

I’m a freaking mess, but I try and stay on track by working out, journaling and focusing on the mantra “today I am pregnant”

4. When is your next appointment? 

Today

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)  

I sleep with a positive pregnancy test on my nightstand. I am terrified to wake up to find myself bleeding, just a stressful time and I don’t think I’m very fun to be around right now. My DH is trying to be supportive, but doesn’t fully understand the physical aspect of all this.

6. GTKY: What's the best gift you received this holiday season? 

My MIL always gets me an ornament each year and she does such a good job pickin ones out that I like. So thoughtful.

starla

@SkilledSailor I hope this is it for you and you can start to feel more confident as the days go by. 

1. How far along are you? Any milestones?

I'm 4w4d today. My losses were at 11w (baby measured 7w5d) and 12w (baby measured 9w). My CP happened on 18DPO, which would be today in this pregnancy.

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms)

I'm feeling OK. I'm ravenous especially after I just ate. I'm tired, bloated, and my boobs hurt. At least constipation is better today. LOL

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise)

I feel better that this likely isn't a CP. The days are going by soooooo sloooowwww though. Ugh! I just want to be out of first tri already. I think I will feel better after about 10ish weeks and after a good anatomy scan (hopefully!).

4. When is your next appointment?

First ultrasound is on the 22nd.

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)

See rant above.

6. GTKY: What's the best gift you received this holiday season?

I got a beautiful cashmere sweater and a new purse from DH. I picked out both, but he's usually very good at picking out things that I'd love on his own. Oh and my BFP!

harleyquinn0621

Hi ladies I’m very cautiously joining this group

1. How far along are you? Any milestones?  Based on LMP 5W6D but I think I ovulated late

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) tired and boobs are pretty sore 

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise)  anxiety is through the roof. 2017 I had two losses (one at 19W and one ectopic) 

4. When is your next appointment?  Beta 1 was today and beta 2 will be Friday - assuming numbers are going up they’ll schedule an ultrasound 

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)  nothing yet. Haha

6. GTKY: What's the best gift you received this holiday season?  I got some really nice jewelry 

lumosmaxima

I'm stealing a few minutes while the kids nap to answer this one. I'm really thankful you posted @SkilledSailor! 

1. I am about 5 weeks 2/3 days based on when I think I ovulated. I always have ovulation pain so its a decent indicator, plus the positive opk. But may still be a day or two off.

2. I am T.I.R.E.D. Tired tired tired. I'm sleeping 8 hours a night (happy dance) but still feeling completely wiped in the morning. Crazy dreams! Which has happened with all my other pregnancies. And some little bouts of nausea but nothing much.

3. This has been hard. Yesterday I felt physically felt good which, in a twisted way, made me emotionally feel worse. I'm sure you guys can understand with the desire to feel nauseated! It was really difficult to keep my negative thoughts in check. I've found a few "mantras" to be comforting, personally and am relying a lot on those ("today I am pregnant and that is worth celebrating", "my past loss does not predict my future", and a Bible verse that I found touching). 

4. My next appointment is less than two weeks, on the 16th. I will have my first ultrasound then. I am all sorts of anxious about it and actually trying to not think about it much, I counted down to it for my last pregnancy and...yeah.

5. I am over the cold! But I am happy to have a warm, comfortable house and sweet smelling things baking in a warm oven

6. I got some really lovely gifts over the holidays! I am especially excited to get some info back about my ethnic origin from one of those spit-in-a-tube dna services. We are not able to trace our family tree back very far, lots of adoptions on both sides, so I'm very curious to know where some of my ancestors came from!

harleyquinn0621

Beta came back at 12,000 ! They don’t want a second blood draw and just scheduled an ultrasound for Monday - I’m beyond excited!!

lumosmaxima

Congratulations @harleyquinn0621! I hope these couple days go by quickly for you! 

SkilledSailor

@ambybambi Hope you're getting good news from today's draw! 

@starla Thanks love! You too! I agree that the days are going by sloooowly. 

@harleyquinn0621 Congratulations on the great beta! 

@lumosmaxima I love your mantra. I try to remind myself of that as well. I also look at the chart posted on other BMBs of you're odds not to have an MC every day. 

starla

@SkilledSailor Can you post the chart? What about if you've had multiple losses?
@harleyquinn0621 Great beta! Is your EDD in August?

SkilledSailor

Sure! I'll go find it. It doesn't factor in multiple losses to the best of my knowledge, unfortunately. It's a flipped version of an article about loss. 

harleyquinn0621

@starla I don’t know my EDD yet, the nurse said it should be early September ...my cycles are all over the place tho and everything right now is a guesstimate - so I am just going with that until the dr dates the baby through a scan .... if they change me i’ll change BMB  

@SkilledSailor thank you! 

starla

@harleyquinn0621 Gotchya. I'm not trying to kick you out or anything! Based on your LMP you'd be due in August, but I get that you O late. I O'd on CD21 this cycle. 

lizzydpt

1: 5+4. My loss was at 9 weeks, so waiting anxiously to get past that point, although last time i didn't settle down until after my anatomy scan at 18 weeks.

2: Holy morning sickness (which is totally a misnomer, it should be 24/7 sickness). Tender breasts and feeling more fatigued.

3: I hate this part of prengnacy. Even though I had a healthy prengnacy last time around, I still think back to the utter shock of going in for a "normal" 9 week appointment only to have my world turned upside down when the heartbeat that was there 2 weeks prior was gone. I keep trying to remind myself that being as sick as I am is a good sign, but I also remember having morning sickness with my loss as well. I thought this time would be easier after having a positive experience with my daughter, but it's not.

4: My next appointment is next Friday, but it's with a nurse and not the OB. I'm new to this practice because we moved after having our daughter, so I'm not really sure how it's going to go.

5: I wish I was back with my old OB. I'm considered high risk because of a heart condition, so it sucks that I have to start over again with someone new. At least when I had my Mirena removed with the new group they sent me for an MFM consult, so hopefully they will be ready to manage me, but I'm nervous I'm only meeting with a nurse to start next week.

6: I'm really excited that I got a pampered chef pizza stone for Christmas! I've always wanted one, but never wanted to spend that much money either. So mother in law for the win!

[Deleted User]

@ambybambi. I have my digi on my nightatand, too! Lol

I'm just a little hesitant to do the whole check-in thing.  For me, I do think it's helping me to think of this pregnancy as just a totally different ballgame than our first transfer.  So far, I think am mostly doing a pretty good job of relaxing and enjoying what I hope will be my first successful pregnancy, but I kind of had a mini freakout when my nurse called to say they are starting me on levothyroxin... But really I guess it's nbd, and it's definitely good they are on top of it.  Deep breaths. Lol

*apparently I can't spell

Racso12

1. How far along are you? Any milestones?  5w4d - None yet. Our loss was just shy of 8 weeks. 

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) Pretty good. Occasional exhaustion that hits me like a ton of bricks. 

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise)  My headspace is so different this time around. There isn't any excitement. I'm not letting myself go there yet. I feel like my brain isn't registering I'm pregnant and won't until I can hear a hb. While I appreciate not having the typical first tri symptoms it is giving me a bit of anxiety. My boobs aren't even sore. So at this point I would welcome any sign...

4. When is your next appointment? Jan 29. SO FAR AWAY

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)  We are keeping this news closely guarded because of our loss. I don't openly share it. Last time, within my circle, I had only shared with my best friend so when we lost the baby I also had to tell her. Her reaction was insensitive which pushed me further into isolation. "Makes sense why you didn't feel pregnant" is what she said. When what I had told her a couple weeks prior was this pregnancy feels different and I did FEEL pregnant. A couple weeks after my loss she told me she had a bunch of maternity clothes for me. I just said I'm not pregnant and she responded but you can try again. Just totally clueless that the timing of her offer of maternity clothes was so insane. I mean, I get some people don't know how to respond to other people's losses but some of it is common sense. Yikes - okay. Rant over.

6. GTKY: What's the best gift you received this holiday season?  My husband gave me a puzzle and told me I needed to put it together right away. It was a scenic picture of Hawaii - surprise trip! We will be going during the time of our EDD of our loss. I am relieved my mind will be distracted for the most part. And the fact that we will be seeing rainbows everyday while there  is not lost on me. 

@SkilledSailor - That is an awesome gift! I wish I were talented enough to do home improvements. 

@ambybambi @lumosmaxima Love those mantras. I may need to steal.

@starla - I feel you on the days just totally dragging on. UGH

@harleyquinn0621 - Yay for good betas!

@lizzydpt - Looks like we are due date twins! I have to switch OB's this time around, too due to mine leaving the practice. She was there for my first baby and my loss. I hate having to search for someone new. 

@BusinessWife - Rooting for you and totally understand all of your feelings and emotions. We're here for you whether you check in a lot or a little!

lumosmaxima

@SkilledSailor I love hearing how everyone else copes. It's such a different experience for everyone and I think we are just figuring it out as we go. At least...I am!

Along those lines @BusinessWife, I think it is amazing that you are enjoying your pregnancy and relaxing! I am envious! There is no rule or "right" way to feel, you know? Enjoying more than worrying is definitely my goal. Not current reality but hey I'm trying haha.

SkilledSailor

@lizzydpt I hope your new OB proves to be as good or even better than your last! It's so hard switching doctors. 

@businesswife *hugs* I understand. I almost didn't start this thread/check-in but felt like I needed it today. You just do whatever is best for you.

@racso12 What an amazing gift! That was so thoughtful of your H. Love that you'll be seeing rainbows so often while there. 

starla

@Racso12 Just "wow" to your friend. I know some people will never get what a loss is like and I hope they don't have to. What a wonderful surprise from your DH! I'd love to go to Hawaii. 

episcowitch

1. How far along are you? Any milestones?  

4w3d. None yet. Loss was at 7wks

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) 

Nothing to speak of

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise)  

Super nervous. My mw sat me down yesterday when she confirmed bfp to try to ease my concerns. Today they called and said I can come in as often as I like until my appt to have blood drawn for HCG levels.

4. When is your next appointment? 

1/30/18

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)  

I am over the bitter cold. I know it's a time for us to slow down and being tuned into the seasons can positively impact our health, but enough with the cold. Moving south didn't even fix it (originally from upstate NY). I need warmth and to be outside!!!!

6. GTKY: What's the best gift you received this holiday season? 

Socks. My favorite gift every year comes from my MIL. It started years ago when she was pestering me to give her a wish list. I listed 12 different kinds of socks. Since then she has been getting me the BEST socks every year. 

Wishilivedinflorida

I saw @lizzydpt ‘s post but wanted to make sure...
is it ok and not triggering if former loss mamas who have had rainbow babies post here? I don’t want to offend anyone but I can attest that PGAL feelings are the same, if not heightened still, even after having an LC. Just wanted to see what others thought. Above all, I just want a safe PGAL space for the group, so I wanted to double check before posting here. 

SkilledSailor

@wishilivedinflorida That is very kind of you to check! I can't speak for everyone but for me personally, it is not triggering. If anything, it gives me some hope. 

Jyoung327

I will be back later to comment on others!!! Very distracted today! 

1. How far along are you? Any milestones?     I am 4 weeks and 4 days I think...I triggered on CD17 so Im figuring I O'd on CD 18.  

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms): I hate to look into symptoms too much.  BUT I CANT POO. AT ALL.  So bloated and constipated, it was like instant after getting my BFP.  Other than that I have some minor nausea at times (but would almost like more to feel better about it all).  Ive been sleeping either really hard or not at all at night.  

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise).  Anxiety is an understatement.  We havent told a SOUL about this pregnancy.  Our last ended between 5-6 weeks and I had bloodwork every other day and ultrasounds every 1-2 weeks up until 9 weeks before they realized it wasn't growing.  So Im very nervous about that milestone, getting past that.  So I feel very alone in this worry, sitting at work all day thinking about it and not being able to talk to anyone (except you guys)

4. When is your next appointment?  I get my 2nd Beta today and depending on the outcome I can schedule a 6 week ultrasound with my RE.  Im terrified.  My first beta at ~15dpo was 563 and I know the single number doenst mean anything by itself but I havent had that high of a number so early since my successful pregnancy so that gives me a little hope.  So I get my beta around 11 and then have to wait all day while at work to get a call about the results *UGHHH*

5. Rants/raves/whatever: Nothing too much in this area.  As I sit here I am very conscious of my jeans button digging into my bloated belly.  I have been obsessing in my mind about new maternity clothes and new nursey items since I found out and of course I cant do any more than think about it until much later when I know its safe.  

6. GTKY: What's the best gift you received this holiday season?   Hard to choose..... my husband ordered a DIY birdhouse that he had my 19mo help him paint and covered the top with his little handprints.  Every time my son sees it he giggles and tries to put his hands back on his prints and is confused when the paint is not on his hands.  So I think that one because it was not expensive and so so sweet and meaningful, and something they did together.  But also, my mom and stepdad are helping with the cost of the rest of the tile we need to finish our basement, so that moves that project along considerably.  This year we had a lot of expenses from two ER trips and two surgeries (son got tubes, my D&C) so financially the basement was going to be put on hold for a while, but we kind of need the basement bedroom finished if we have another kid on the way.  But my parents dont know about that yet so, the secret is kind of fun. 

bjkay22

*lurker from May*

I just wanted to share this, I saw some of you posting about a chart but I found this website VERY helpful in those early weeks. You can even customize it to your situation. I checked it every day until 20 weeks and it really helped me celebrate the small victories every day. I hope this helps ❤️

Edit it to add: this probably more anxiety relief for those who are comforted by numbers/statiscs. If that is not comforting for you, please avoid this. It focuses on the odds of not having a loss, but it is still numbers based. 

https://datayze.com/miscarriage-reassurer.php

starla

@bjkay22 OMG that's amazing. THANK YOU!!!

Jyoung327

I dont know which discussion to post this on but as I mentioned we havent told anyone yet so heres my only outlet BUT just got my second beta in and it went from 563 to 1313 and I nearly having a breakdown earlier bc of that MF red progesterone pill making me think I was bleeding and Im just so happy right now to get that number, and got to schedule my ultrasound for the 17th.......gonna be a long 2 weeks! 

[Deleted User]

@Jyoung327. Hooray!!!!!!  For awesome betas!!!!!!  That has got to be extra hard with those stupid red suppositories, but try to keep the faith!!! ❤❤❤❤

lumosmaxima

That's great @Jyoung327!! I hope you can take some comfort in that!

bissie17

@Jyoung327 Yayyy for great betas. Fx for healthy 9 months 

harleyquinn0621

so, i just need a place to vent... because i feel like a terrible person. I just have a hard time believing i'm going to actually get to bring home a baby......

this is the 4th time i've been pregnant.... the first three were all losses, two of those were both last year.... so i know some of it is how recent a lot of this was... 

2003: MMC
2017: IC
2017 Ectopic 

the back of my mind is just so prepared to accept another loss and then i feel terrible for not being as excited as i want to be...maybe it's almost better, because i actually don't feel stressed, but only because i'm just waiting for something to happen.... and then when/if something does happen i'll probably feel guilty 

lumosmaxima

I'm so sorry for your losses @harleyquinn0621. It must have been really tough dealing with those two so close together, last year. 
I can relate to your feeling, needing to prep yourself for another loss. It's no longer a possibility or abstract chance, that something bad could happen. Something bad DID happen. And we know how horribly sad and heartbreaking it is. 
I think we all have to process the feelings in our own way. There are no "wrong" feelings, in this situation. It's ok to be scared or happy or worried or sad or even to feel nothing at all, yet. I think I've felt it all in the course of barely two weeks! It's such a roller coaster.

Jyoung327

@harleyquinn612 I hear you, and I feel the same way.  I dont think there is a right or wrong way to feel about this stage of pregnancy. I f'ing hate this part because the odds can be so scary.  Sometimes Ill use those PGAL mantras like "today Im pregnant and I love my baby" or tell myself that I have no reason to believe something is wrong and until I DO, I will try to relax......sometimes it works and sometimes I freak and need my husband to tell me those things.  Honestly I didn't feel confident until I felt kicks and could manipulate baby to kick so its a long way to go til then, and after that its not until baby is actually in your arms that I felt safer.  Whatever feelings you have throughout the pregnancy, your little babe will know how much you love him/her when they are born! 

SkilledSailor

@harleyquinn612 I completely agree with both @Lumosmaxima and @jyoung327 . There is no "right" way to feel. *hugs* 

MandyMost

@BusinessWife my u/s is the 17th too...fingers crossed for both of us!

Rant: I’m so envious of the pure joy I see in people who get the BFP with no history of loss. It’s such an obvious difference to me at this point, after 2 losses and one successful pregnancy. 

SkilledSailor

@mandymost Yes, I am too. I have a couple of friends who never had a loss and got pregnant their first time trying (and first time TFAS). They're the sweetest ladies in the world and I love them but I am envious of how easy it all is for them. 

harleyquinn0621

Thank you everyone I appreciate you all being willing to listen to my irrational emotions today was a, “not feeling very pregnant” day.....I have my first scan Monday so - it’s one hurdle at a time 

bissie17

@harleyquinn0621 You have every avenue to vent your feelings here. Having losses is not fun at all. I'm just fx that this pregnancy will be a successful one. You are not alone in all your thoughts and feelings.   **big HUGS**

@BusinessWife it's totally understandable the way you feel. Fx for you that all will go well on your next appointment. **HUGS**

@Racso12   I  found out long time ago that most people don't know how to relate to someone who has experienced loss. I  could remember someone telling me to move on with my life after losing my triplet in 2013 even after learning they were conceived through IVF. Well I choose not to involve myself with that person again.

1. How far along are you? Any milestones?  

5w 2 days Taking it one day @ a time

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) 

Tired, fatigue, bathroom is my new favorite room in the house, sore boobs e.t.c

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise)  

My anxiety level waxes and wanes. Sometimes I'm on the high drive and other times on the low. I tried to stay positive but can't stop overanalyzing my symptoms 

4. When is your next appointment? 

January 15 for OB ultrasound 

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)  

It's not fair that I can't enjoy my great news in peace like the other ladies. It breaks my heart to see other people already planning ahead in their pregnancy while I'm holding on as long as I can. I stopped watching family youtube channel since everyone is pregnant and having baby here and there. Yes I am jealous

6. GTKY: What's the best gift you received this holiday season? 

This pregnancy. We found out on Christmas eve.  Best ever

Jyoung327

@bissie17 I feel you on acknowledging the jealousy. There were lots of Christmas and New Facebook pregnancy announcements and a few times if I told dh he would say "well we should be just be happy for them" and of course I am, but I can feel two types of ways at once and one part of me is angry and jealous, and I hate feeling that way. For instance just found out someone I went to college with had her 5th baby, all like 18m or less apart, and I'm like damn! Why is it so easy for some and not others? At least that's my assumption anyway. And the naivety that non-loss moms have, the certainty that everything is perfect....I so wish we could have that back. Sorry venting got away from me....

bissie17

@Jyoung327 Don't be sorry. I thought I was the only one feeling this way.  I used to mentor a lady @ some point she became rude to me saying I don't have a child because of my sins. Learning she had 3rd baby under 4 yrs with her foul mouth made me jealous. Fx for all of us on this BMB for healthy 9 months 

Racso12

@harleyquinn0621 - I think it's totally understandable to feel the way you do. After you experience pregnancy loss there is so much uncertainty about the future. All we can do is live in the moment and take one day at a time. I love the mantras the girls above wrote. "Today I am pregnant."

@bissie17 Wow - What a B! Both the "friend" who said that about your triplet and the woman you mentored. People need to learn to keep their insensitive-rude comments to themselves. I'm sorry you had to experience that. 

starla

I've been having fewer symptoms the last couple of days and of course that sends my mind to the worst possible scenario. Anyone else's symptoms come and go?