FTM Questions for S+TMs - January Edition

stlbuckeye132

Seems like it's time for a new one of these! (For those of us that are left.... anyone out there?!)

stlbuckeye132

My sister is pregnant and due in July. I'm super excited we'll have kids so close in age! But anyway, her friend has already set a date and time for her baby shower, and it's basically just shy of two months after my due date. I would love to be there for her shower, but I'm not local so it would either require an 8 hour drive (8 hours not counting stops with an infant) or a flight. Anyone have experience with traveling with a little one at that age? Any words of wisdom? Am I crazy for even considering it?

megpeg

They sleep really well and a lot at that age. We lived in Iowa when DS was born and got him baptized back home in Michigan when he was that age, but we also got to go for a week because DH was on break so that changes things too.
It gets worse as they get older- when DS was 7 months old I had to make the drive myself for a wedding and the eight hour drive took 11 because he was more mobile at that point.

missnc77

@stlbuckeye132 I don't know - DD1 was waking up to the world at 2 months, and she started being pretty bad about sleeping and her car seat. Traveling (flying) at 8 months was a breeze for us though since she was more on a schedule by that point. But as you can see from @megpeg - it's different from all babies!

I'd say you have to consider two things - 1. Will you be breastfeeding? 2. How do you feel about traveling with a baby that will have just gotten their first set of vaccines at 2 months? Especially if it's just shy, your baby may not have even had them yet. Because of these two reasons, I wouldn't do it, but I was not a very adventurous FTM. My goal is to be better as a STM, but traveling 8 hours for a baby shower at 2 months is still not something I'd be game for.

BrittnieMariee

@stlbuckeye132 I’ll be traveling to Florida for my best friend’s wedding in April (I’m her Matron of Honor). We’ll have both kids in the car. I’m thinking we might try driving overnight. It’ll be about a 12 hour trip. DS is wonderful in the car, always has been. I’m hoping DD will be the same!

maelily15

We took DD1 for a visit to my family when she was about a month old (a 3 hour drive at that time) and took her to see her great grandma at about 7 weeks old (about an 8 hour drive). She did great both times because she slept most of the way and we had already begun supplementing. But I think this time around, we’ll be flying since we live further away. Driving really inhibits my ability to offer to feed (don’t want to extend the trip by stopping every two hours to feed or pump). Each child travels differently.
 My biggest advice if you’re going to fly is to check with the airline about what they allow as carry ons for the baby. When my toddler recently flew with my MIL to a family event (DH and I couldn’t get as much time off so we drove separately), they allowed her to take a stroller, car seat, and diaper bag on board. Plus your pump should qualify as medical equipment and be separate from your own carry on. Congrats to you and your sister! 

mdfarmchick

@stlbuckeye132 DS has his first three flights at 6, 8, and 9 weeks and honestly flying was so much easier than driving for us for a really long time. Suddenly around 8 weeks he started hating the car and he would just scream—whether it was a ten minute ride or hours. It was awful, and a few other moms in my first BMB had the same issue. He didn’t stop hating the cat until 10 months when we switched him to a convertible and upgraded our SUV—he was better when he could see out of the windows. Flying will still probably be a long day for you because you have to get to the airport and deal with security and such, but it is still more doable to me than a drive. 

I’m not sure how early I will fly with this one—mainly because dealing with the toddler and a baby on a plane is intimidating to me. But I think my mom may do my first couple of flights with me with two kids to make it easier. So probably around 6-8 weeks again. 

ShawnnaO

@stlbuckeye132 We drove 19 hours across country over the course of two days when P was 3 months old. It wasn’t too bad on the way up, but on the way back down, she wouldn’t stop crying. I think she was just really sick of being stuck in her car seat. Honestly it’s going to differ a lot with every baby and each individual experience. 

kbiala

@stlbuckeye132 I traveled quite a bit doing a 5-6 hr drive with DS1 when he was a few months old. For us it was a breeze cause he slept really well in the car. We would stop once to feed him and he’d go right back to sleep. All babies are different, but it definitely isn’t crazy to think about driving or even flying

stlbuckeye132

Thanks for all the insight, ladies! It's good to know that some of you have done it before, and it is possible!!

@mdfarmchick I'm leaning towards flying right now because it would be quicker, but my only hesitation is having the baby around that many germs. Did your pediatrician have any concerns about him being in the airport or anything that young?

fiddleRN79

We drove home for a wedding when our oldest was 3 months old. It was a 10 hour drive. She did great. We also did the same trip with our youngest when he was 3 weeks old and he also did well. It's our middle child that did not do well on long trips. 

mdfarmchick

@stlbuckeye132 nope. Honestly I wore him on the plane tucked into my chest, and it was October when we did it so not really super into flu season or the winter bugs. By the time our LO’s are 8 weeks, it should be Mayish and I think most of the flu/winter bugs/ sickness will have passed. I wouldn’t do it if I had an 8 week old now. 

bravoandprosecco

@stlbuckeye132 I think you might have to wait and see.  D'S hated the car until like 1 1/2 , screamed everytime he was in there.  We were so frustrated bc it felt like everyone else's babies loooved the car! 

vflux33

I am strongly considering hiring a postpartum doula to help us get settled since I have zero childcare experience (like I have not ever changed a diaper and I'm not joking). Any STMs here who had little or no childcare experience going into your first birth hire a postpartum doula to help you get settled? What did you think? Was it worth it? (I know there was a doula thread awhile back but it seemed like that was a lot more birth focused and it makes no sense for me to hire a birth doula for a bunch of reasons). 

paigew123

@vflux33 I hired a baby nurse for the first 3 weeks after ds was born and it was the best thing EVER! 
She brought the baby to me when he was ready for feedings, and I was able to recuperate. 
Mom paid for it then, so not sure I'll do it again, but secretly hoping dh will agree
to it. It made all the difference. By the time she left, I was completely back to myself and able to focus on baby's needs.

Gingermom15

@vflux33 that is an amazing idea. Do it!

DDRRT1982

vflux33 said:

I am strongly considering hiring a postpartum doula to help us get settled since I have zero childcare experience (like I have not ever changed a diaper and I'm not joking). Any STMs here who had little or no childcare experience going into your first birth hire a postpartum doula to help you get settled? What did you think? Was it worth it? (I know there was a doula thread awhile back but it seemed like that was a lot more birth focused and it makes no sense for me to hire a birth doula for a bunch of reasons). 

My aunt is actually a post partum doula.  Not in your area I believe, but what she does for new mom's sounds devine.  She offers lots of great resources on her website.  Maybe she might know of one in your area you can interview.

https://www.firstdaze.com

heatherdubrow

@vflux33 that sounds amazing, I say do it!!

missnc77

@vflux33 Your post reminds me of my first big “I can’t do this” meltdown. My husband got an A+ in his 2 weeks of paternity leave with all the swaddling and diaper changing he did while I recovered and did the heavy lifting on feeding. I honestly don’t think I changed one diaper during that two week period. So the night before his return to work, I broke down trying to practice swaddling crying that I’m going to be a terrible mom, and I can’t do it. But then I became a better swaddler than he was the following week. School of hard knocks.  A Post partum doula sounds amazing!

cford08

@vflux33 If you've got the resources,  go for it. That sounds like an awesome way for everyone to get the rest they need!

vflux33

Thanks, guys! I emailed an inquiry out just now to someone with good ratings in my area. Fingers crossed I can afford her! 

StephBrim24

@vflux33 - yeah what everyone else said. If I lived in a bigger city and thought those existed around here, I would jump on that. I needed so much help while adjusting to being a mom for the first time (and even leveling out my hormones after the second one), and my husband was maxed out emotionally. Luckily my mom kept coming over on lunch breaks and checking in but it would be invaluable to have someone to commit the time to just be there. Especially with twins. Definitely take the step to look into it!!

mdfarmchick

@vflux33 if I could afford it, I would do it! I think support for the Mom is just as important after birth. As far as not knowing how to change a diaper, etc. I’m sure you’ll be fine but our hospital offers a baby basics class for FTP. Maybe one of your local hospitals ((even if it’s not one you are delivering at)) offers a similar class. 

fatstagnation

I've heard that the classes offered at our local hospital are not so good, but a  couple of doulas in the area offer early parenting classes. That might be a good option for anyone who can't afford to hire a postpartum doula (which sounds awesome!) but wants to feel more prepared. 

We still have to schedule our birth class. yipes!

vflux33

@mdfarmchick I’m all over the classes and books. Took a birth class and infant cpr/choking, doing breastfeeding and infant care classes in next 3 weeks plus tons of reading. It’s the practical in the moment real life practice where I’m very lacking. I know it’s a stressful time for everyone but with twins, lack of local family, and some questions about MH’s paternity leave situation, I’m worried I’ll just be drowning. I also have like 4-5 PPD risk factors according to all the articles. So I figure anything I can do to make it even slightly more manageable is worth it.

As for cost, I’m definitely worried about that. I’ve seen a wide range of prices online but most don’t post prices on their site. If I can’t find an affordable one then I won’t be able to do it. I’m willing to pay given the type of service but there is definitely a limit to what we can pay. I reallllly hope we can afford it!

missnc77

@vflux33 Have you joined a twin mom support group at least online? It'll be tough work for sure, so I think the key is to let people help you however they can. My friend who has 10 month old premie twins is not a needy person at all, but everyone has their breaking points. Especially in the beginning, if she had a rough night and needed a nap or sleep, she would post to FB asking if anyone could come by and help out. Her and her husband were here on an exchange program with the Air Force, so all of their family was in Australia. They'd fly out and stay with her and rotate out which was good for her, but outside of those visits, she was on her own except for any friends around that she had made.

On a personal note, when DD1 hit about 3 months and was a hot mess in the car and out, I was at my own breaking point. I was on the one way ticket train to PPD, and I knew I needed to do something as a SAHM. We definitely didn't have free money laying around for daycare, but we figured out a way to get her in somewhere for two days a week. I felt guilty at first because of the added expense, but in the end, it was totally worth it and probably saved me from going deeper into the hole I was going in. Add in that my husband frequently travels for work, and I had no idea what I was doing. Obviously, money doesn't grow on trees, but if you feel like you need something after having your babies to take care of your mental sanity and it takes some creative budgeting to do it, then do it!

vflux33

@missnc77 There is a local multiples group in my county, but I can't decide if it's right for me. I met another twin mom due 3 weeks before me in my childbirth class, and she said she joined and all the kids were older and that joining later may be more useful. Also it looked like more of a social thing (and kind of stepford wives-like if you know what I mean). I did exchange numbers with the twin mom from my birth class and we plan to get together.

My former neighbor who I'm friends with had a really similar situation to what you're describing. She had PPD and even though she's doing the SAHM thing she decided she had to do 2 days/week of daycare for her sanity, and she's doing SO MUCH better now. I'm definitely open to that. Though I read on Lucie's List that when you have twins it is sometimes actually cheaper to get a part time nanny or babysitter instead of day care because they typically charge less for each additional kid than the tuition at the day care, especially for babies. 

missnc77

Oh yeah, I would expect daycare would be more expensive! I was referring to the doula if you needed them for your sanity.

I really lucked out with daycare to be honest. It’s really hard to find part time infant care, so I was going to have to pay for a full week at a crappy daycare. I randomly found a Montessori school with an infant room, and they did part time. Their minimum was 3 days a week, but they let me do 2 days, so we’ve kept it going. We’re moving this summer to a more expensive state and area, and I’m having a hard time finding a similar set up even though she’ll be 2. Or at least one that doesn’t cost a college tuition. Yikes. 

mdfarmchick

@vflux33 no I definitely don’t envy you twins without any family around to help. I definitely wish I had even known there was such a thing as a postpartum doula with my first and I’m curious as to what the prices are. Have you tried searching for a PP doula on DONA.org? 

mdfarmchick

Oh and doulamatch.net @vflux33 I’ve had good luck with both sites. It looks like PP rates in my area run about $20-25... but I’m not sure if that’s per hour or...?

vflux33

@mdfarmchick There are a lot of local specific doula sites I found here that have more options than dona.org --doulamatch is showing me a lot of the same people though and IS showing prices, so I'll leave that up--thanks! I'm getting a range of 25-40/hour for PP for my area so more expensive here, BUT I'm getting a ton of different choices, which is cool because it means I can skip over the places that have titles like "Earth Goddess Mother Doula Services" and focus on the ones I'm more likely to mesh better with. 

enigmaticjj

A couple questions for those who have had c-sections and had toddler(s):

1. How soon did you have your toddler come visit?
2. Did your partner sleep at home or in the hospital?

I'm having a planned c-section since I'm not a good candidate for a VBAC and our daughter will be 3 months short of 3 years old. I really want her to visit the first day (like 8 or 10 hours after surgery), but wondering if that's wise and curious what experience others have had. I was so sleepy/groggy with my first labor/c-section experience but that involved going in the night before for 'ripening,' then induction the next morning, then 2-3 hours of pushing, then c-section in the evening where I then slept the night and didn't stand up until the morning.

We're also probably going to have my husband sleep at the hospital but go home for our daughters bedtime routine (and have his parents stay the night at our place). But I see here and there people mentioning how their partner will go home at night to sleep and be with their toddler/child, and all I can think is how I needed help with basically everything after my c-section. I couldn't reach my daughter by myself to pick her up from the hospital bassinet even when it was wheeled next to my bed. If you'll be in the hospital on your own after a c-section, do you just call the nurse all the time or have them take the baby to the nursery at night? Or maybe I just needed a lot more help than the norm. 

mdfarmchick

@vflux33 keep me posted on the results of your research... MH has mentioned wanting some better support this time around. We survived a singleton without any support/family close by but with my PPA struggle we had some rough moments—and I did especially. He’s also talked about doing some kind of childcare one day a week to give me a break if I need it. 

ashleyf911

@enigmaticjj I'm having a planned repeat cs this time and my DS will be the same age as your little one.    We are planning on DH going home for bedtime routine and then coming back to the hospital to sleep. With my first, it was nice to have him there overnight just for support or to help me get baby out of the bassinet or whatever.  

We will probably have DS there right after his little sister is born, just for a quick visit to meet her. I had a really good csection experience the first time and actually felt really good afterwards. It was at 8am and I was up and walking later that afternoon. I'm hoping it goes just as well this time. 

missnc77

@vflux33 and @mdmfarmchick Another less expensive option may be what they call a "mother's helper." Kind of like having a baby sitter even though you’re at home, and you can even find one that will help with laundry and kitchen stuff. 

DDRRT1982

I usually get one night at the hospital without my H and kids.  It's honestly my favorite night bc it's just me and the baby.  The nurses were always good at helping me, so I didn't miss my H. I know it sounds intimidating to be by yourself with a newborn in an unfamiliar area, but to me it was always a nice break from the chaos of visitors and kids to just bond with the new baby.  

mdfarmchick

My BFF had her second and was alone with her last night at the hospital and it was honestly a nightmare. The nurses were in every 60-90 minutes waking up her baby and then she was having to nurse her back to sleep, but she’d either overdo it on the boob and throw up or the nurses would be back again doing another “necessary check”. Her experience terrifies me to be alone at the hospital for a night without MH. She didn’t have a c section and she said last night was really rough. And honestly I remember the nurses coming in a lot to check with DS. 

missnc77

My insurance authorized me to stay 3 nights total. The first night (Friday) I spent in labor until 5am the next morning. Then I spent the whole next day and overnight there (Saturday). By the time Sunday morning came, I was looking to get the hell out of there. On one hand I liked having the support and knowing I was in a hospital in case something happened, but on the other hand I was so f*ing sick of people coming in my room. Hi, we're the lactation consultants - here let me squeeze your breast like a hamburger, do you mind? Hi, I'm the old lady volunteer here to give you a memento from your experience at the hospital. Hi, I'm the nurse. Hi, I'm the nurses assistant. Hi, would you like photographs with your new baby? Hi, we're the lactation consultants back again! Hi, would you like your celebratory meal? OMG PEOPLE GO AWAY! My nurses were pretty great, but it's all the other people in the hospital circus that just barge right in.

DDRRT1982

That sounds miserable, ladies.  Maybe my hospital is a little more hands off, but mine did vitals, I had a visit from one lactation consultant, and they let me call for meds.  Unless you are really being monitored for something don't hesitate to tell them you need a rest and you don't want people coming in.  My hospital also has a rest time during the day they discourage any visitors or disturbing consults.  I hope you guys have better experiences this time.

LeahS927

@missnc77
OMG, yes, all those thousands of people coming through. Because DD was born around 3AM, we ended up staying two nights after that, so like 2.5 days after birth, I guess. I'm still glad we did, because DD took a while to get used to BFing, so by the time we left, I felt like we had a better handle on it, but OMG just leave me alone!

paigew123

Ye that sounds too hands on! My hospital didn't allow anyone even DH to stay overnight once we were in the post Partum ward. I was frustrated that they were too hands off! I asked for the lactation consultant to come by my room (which they claimed they offered) and she never showed. The nurses weren't helpful at all when it came to breast feeding, and my son refused to latch. I finally told my nurse to get me a pump, and a different nurse who was nearby decided to come and help me although I wasn't her patient. If not for her, I would have quit bf right then and there.
it was so frustrating. I'd call the nurse and they wouldn't come until 15-20 minutes later. 
It was quicker to get out of bed and go to the nurses station when I needed something. 
My doctor has since switched hospitals, so hoping to have a better experience this time around.