I also support SAHMs and WMs. After maternity leave, I'm going back to work because I have to financially. As a ftm-to-be, though, my confession is that if suddenly given the monetary chance to be a SAHM, I am not sure if I would do it. I think that's because I have a fear of failing as a mother, of not knowing what I'm doing, of somehow messing everything up even though I already want the best for my gestating baby and plan to read parenting books, etc. I'm actually a little terrified of maternity leave, that mentally I won't be able to handle it. I bet my mind will change once the little one arrives, or at least I'm hoping it will.
@SmashJam I didn't mean we overvalue because our work is tedious (I think I only said it can be tedious) I meant we may tend towards talking ourselves up as a response to being undervalued in general. I don't think SAHMs would feel like we have to toot our own horns or compare our lives to that of doctors, teachers, what have you if we were inherently valued and recognized by society for the work we do. It's a response to that which is outside us, not how our days go. In my opinion at least. Sorry that wasn't clear.
As for the comparison thing, I think what I teach my daughter is valuable, and I appreciate you affirming that. And being a teacher by profession, I know that contributes to how far along she is in vocal ability, reading, etc because I'm often in teaching mode with her. (I miss it so much! I can't help it lol.) I put that part in specifically thinking of those memes I hate and see on FaceBook about moms that go something like "I fixed a boo boo so I'm a doctor, I baked cookies so I'm a scientist." That's what I was talking about with that. I actually think it contributes to society feeling like it's okay to devalue SAHMs when we say/post stuff like that, because everyone knows a band-aid doesn't equal doctor. And the way some moms insist it's the same because they're desperate for SOME kind of recognition and validation, well, it doesn't help. We should be valued because we do valuable work at home, full stop. Not because it's comparable to high-profile professions.
My confession is, seeing pictures of newborn baby girls is making me insanely jealous and sad. It makes me sad that I may never have a little girl. Those fb ads are killing me. I think I’ve hidden 12 this week. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boy(s), but there is just something different about a little girl and the head bands and floral print.
I think all mamas are awesome regardless of the decisions made to support your family. I do want to say that I was disappointment to find that there are more mom support groups for SAHM. Back during the early PP months I felt like I wouldn't fit in to those groups because I was only going to be there temporarily and be shamed by the other mamas. My state of mind wasn't the best back then so I never really tried to see how they would be. I didn't want to risk feeling rejected or judged. Some of them even wanted a membership. I wish mommy support wouldn't be labeled and open to all with no judgement. Parenting is hard period and we should support each other.
To clarify - these were just feelings I had, not pointing fingers or judging.
I work part-time and find both of my jobs (inside and outside the home) to be difficult and demanding, rewarding and enjoyable - though which is moreso varies from day to day. I think we are all working hard to love and teach and provide for our kids, just maybe in different ways.
My confession is, seeing pictures of newborn baby girls is making me insanely jealous and sad. It makes me sad that I may never have a little girl. Those fb ads are killing me. I think I’ve hidden 12 this week. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boy(s), but there is just something different about a little girl and the head bands and floral print.
Alright, I'll let this be my confession as well. This just triggered for me this week. I feel so emotional and all over the board. I'm mad at myself for feeling this way. A little background for those that don't know - we didn't plan this pregnancy, so this whole experience thus far has been a bit of a whirlwind. We went from wanting to be team green, to finding out the sex at our first appointment because it was seen on screen (boy). We didn't have a preference to begin with. We have three boys and we LOVE our boys and our dynamic. When I was younger I had those yearnings for a girl, but I grew up, my boys grew up, our family evolved and now I can't picture it any other way. But for some reason I've had these thoughts creep into my mind and I've really let them take hold. My mother, who just turned 70 on the 22nd has advanced dementia. We had to make the decision to put her in hospice care last week. I knew it was coming, but something about making the actual move has hit me really hard. I know her time here is almost over. I also lost my sister 12 years ago. Her name was Jill. My mom's name is Ann. I always said if I had a little girl I'd name her Jilliann. And it hit me this week that this will never happen - that their names will never be honored now. It's got me all out of whack and having actual gender disappointment. This isn't me. I'm not that person. Sorry for rambling. So basically, I understand @paytonpedro
edit- changed my use of the word gender to sex- bc I know better
@4deep oh hon. That's a lot to process and deal with. I wish I could give you a hug right now. Or a sheet cake.
I think someone on here (I forget who, and wish I knew) it's not that anyone's sad they're having a boy (or girl) it's that we're sad for what we won't have. I'm glad there's room for expressing disappointment in our baby's sex on this board.
@4deep that makes complete sense I wonder if you could use the name Julian, I know it isn't exactly the same but quite close and could use it as a way to honor her still?
@4deep First, I'm so sorry about your sister and your Mom. You are dealing with so much, I can't imagine. As a mom of 2 boys, I know how much you love your sons and are going to love boy #4 more than anything! But I think it's totally normal to feel some sadness about not being able to experience having a little girl- especially with the emotional ties you had to your chosen girl name.
Thank you @christycalifornia@lindsayleigh1989@AlyLynn07 that felt good to even say it out loud. I feel so guilty for feeling this way. Honestly. I will love this boy fiercely. I think you said it best @christycalifornia it’s not disappointment about what we’re having but the loss of something we won’t have. Thank you for listening flame free
@4deep I understand these feelings so completely. Our first was a boy and I wanted to honor the mom names with that one because my mom had just passed so we squished the mom names into a boy name-Julian for Julie and Anne. Then we had a girl last time and my dad's name was the middle name. So, I validate and support those feelings but also say-you should try to find a way to smoosh those names into a boy name OR screw gender and do Jillian for a boy middle name! Hugs.
@4deep I feel you girl. I hate feeling this way too. Hugs! Also, so sorry to hear about your mom! I’ll say a prayer! ❤️
Edit. @christycalifornia I think that might have been me actually. This topic has been weighing on me heavily, and I’m feeling pretty guilty about it. That’s exactly how I feel. So excited for my boy, but sad I may never have a girl. But, most importantly I just want him to be healthy.
@paytonpedro It was you! Pregnancy brain lol. I remember feeling such relief when you put it that way. It really helped. I'm sorry for you and other moms this is weighing heavily on. It's okay. And it's okay to share.
@christycalifornia thank you for saying that. I think my husband and I are both experiencing it, so that helps a little too. The bump is such a different place than it was 3 years ago! I remember seeing girls being shamed for expressing these feelings (and confusing gender v sex which for a ftm I had no clue there was a difference). What a nice community we’ve made here!! ❤️ You ladies are great!
@wildtot I'm the same...it becomes a game to me when DB speed demons going past my 80mph want to ride my a$$, especially when there are cars in front of me. It's, "Hey tool, get off my a$$ or get boxed in.". Southern CA drivers at their best.
I know this is late, but...I work part time because I don't have the mental and emotional energy to be sahm full-time (done it with a toddler and baby, and was unhappy), and I'd be too guilty to work full time and miss out on their lives. I, fortunately, have this choice. I feel really bad for women who do not have a choice either way, and when you don't have that choice it breeds resentment. I NEED the days with my kids, and NEED the days with adults. You all do great in whatever you do...even if u don't believe it everyday.
@paytonpedro the whole gender vs sex thing on the board made me CRAZY last time. I was corrected so often and I was like, look i literally do not care in this case you know I am talking about whether it has a penis or vagina, not the identity that it embraces. GIVE ME A BREAK, lol.
On the SAHM/WM topic. I would never be a SAHM even if given a choice. I'm a FTM, so I wonder if that may change, but believe in two people doing their part in supporting a family and I personally would fear that DH would feel so much pressure being the only working parent. I know a lot of families are like that because it's the only way, but if given a choice I would still like to do my part even with a part-time job. And I also feel like it's ok to have SAHD!! I know if we decided for one of us to stay at home and it made financially more sense for DH to do it, he would be totally on board.
As far as I am concerned, and that doesn't apply to everyone, I need the interaction with adults, I need to fulfill my career ambitions, and I believe working moms are kick-ass. My mom was one, and she was the best. I often resented her being gone to work but the time she spent with me was always quality.
That said, I'm currently sacrificing a potentially more lucrative career. I chose to work from home for a small company instead because I value flexibility over a higher salary. After 18 months in the corporate world with an amazing salary and lots of benefits I can say the stress was just not worth it for me. I know some corporations are different. For us, everytime I look back and tell my DH I feel bad for making less money now, he tells me I'm crazy and that it was the best decision ever - I got my life back!
I feel good being able to work from home because even though I'll need help (daycare/nannies) I'll still be around to enjoy my son. I even plan to rent a co-working space twice a week to get out of the house and get some adult time!
What I CANNOT stand though is the SAHM that would shame WM because "they are missing their child's life" . Some people don't have a choice, and children raised by WM can be equally happy - I know it was and I actually loved my babysitter too.
@paytonpedro@4deep I can relate a bit. I am stoked about our little boy but I wonder if we'll ever have a second one and if I'll get to experience having a little girl. I know, I think wayyyy too far in advance. @4deep I'm sorry about what has been going on and I actually love the name Julian.
In other FFCF...I took today off with the intention of being productive. I got too little sleep and we were both up at 7. We proceeded to eat breakfast in bed and watch way too much Netflix. Then I took a two hour nap and ate a huge bowl of pasta. Finally getting to organize our second closet and declutter the linen closet too. It's 4pm...I guess that's what days off are for??? Lol.
On the SAHM/WM topic. I would never be a SAHM even if given a choice. I'm a FTM, so I wonder if that may change, but believe in two people doing their part in supporting a family and I personally would fear that DH would feel so much pressure being the only working parent. I know a lot of families are like that because it's the only way, but if given a choice I would still like to do my part even with a part-time job. And I also feel like it's ok to have SAHD!! I know if we decided for one of us to stay at home and it made financially more sense for DH to do it, he would be totally on board.
As far as I am concerned, and that doesn't apply to everyone, I need the interaction with adults, I need to fulfill my career ambitions, and I believe working moms are kick-ass. My mom was one, and she was the best. I often resented her being gone to work but the time she spent with me was always quality.
That said, I'm currently sacrificing a potentially more lucrative career. I chose to work from home for a small company instead because I value flexibility over a higher salary. After 18 months in the corporate world with an amazing salary and lots of benefits I can say the stress was just not worth it for me. I know some corporations are different. For us, everytime I look back and tell my DH I feel bad for making less money now, he tells me I'm crazy and that it was the best decision ever - I got my life back!
I feel good being able to work from home because even though I'll need help (daycare/nannies) I'll still be around to enjoy my son. I even plan to rent a co-working space twice a week to get out of the house and get some adult time!
What I CANNOT stand though is the SAHM that would shame WM because "they are missing their child's life" . Some people don't have a choice, and children raised by WM can be equally happy - I know it was and I actually loved my babysitter too.
This drives me crazy too. No one judges moms who send their children to school (K-12) instead of home schooling as “missing their life”. I’m constantly amazed at the things my 2.5 YO learns at daycare. Things I would never think to expose her to.
While my FFFC was an honest feeling and not at all intended to star any sort of divide or mommy wars I feel like such a pot stirrer, sorry. What I do like is the thoughtful comments from both points of view. It's refreshing to see that we can disagree, butt heads and even have a heated conversation while keeping it respectful and intelligent.
@4deep I'm so sorry for the heavy load you're carrying right now. I also apologize if my fffc made you feel frustrated or upset at a time when you needed to feel lifted up.
It's refreshing to see that we can disagree, butt heads and even have a heated conversation while keeping it respectful and intelligent.
This. I don’t see you as a pot stirrer at all. I’m glad we could bring a convo like that to the table without acting crazy and disrespectful. I don’t think any less of you on here and I hope you don’t of me. Thank you for your words about my mom.
I'm so late and I'm sorry if everyone's over it so feel free to skip but this is something I've struggled with intensely...
WAHM here!! (Wave emoji)
I've wanted my own company since high school, went to school for it, interned, put in hard time and at some CRAZY jobs. I relished the idea of being THE boss. I could do whatever I want at work AND be there for my kids. THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS, how could it go wrong?! I had it all figured out and I had it all figured out while I was pregnant too and then baby got here and I realized how far out my depth was.
The long and short, as a WAHM trying so hard and starting this company, I feel like I half-ass everything. I have one foot in and out both doors. When I am "momming" I feel like I should be working, when I am working I have mom guilt. And I feel like there are support groups for SAHM and working moms and I don't entirely fit in either one and I'm not allowed to complain because "I'm so lucky" and YES there are benefits, but I was so naive and didn't anticipate any of the challenges. I was so frustrated in those first months trying to figure out how to do both that my doctor just wanted to diagnose me as PPD and call it a day when I knew that's not what I was experiencing. All I needed was a WAHM to offer some advice or support on how they structure their day and get it all done. I'm still trying to figure it out. I could go on and on...
So SAHM moms...I get it girls that shit is HARD! Not brain surgury but it is hard and so under appreciated. Working moms...I get it girls that shit is hard!!!!
Any other WAHM here, I saw a couple of you, I'm here for you and if have any of it figured out let a girl know!!!
Thank you, @BrittG13! Valuable advice. I don't have my own business so hopefully I'll have less guilt but I totally get it as my mom runs her real estate business on her own and it's always hard to have boundaries, if you don't work you don't get a paycheck!
I have NO shame asking the employee at the drive thru for a handful of hot sauce. I use any leftover packets on foods i make at home (i.e. homemade bean and cheese burrito, soup, etc.). No shame!
@4deep thanks and of course not, nothing but love for my July mamas.
@BrittG13 I think I would struggle with being a WAHM, how do you separate the two? How do you stay on task? That would be a toughie for me. And on top of everything owning your own company, wow, get it girl!
@runsomewhere Right now in the newborn/baby/toddler stage you don't. You don't work 9-5 because you can't. So for the businessy tasks I break things down into microactions (things that can be done in 15 minutes or so) I work during naps, or for an hour or so at a time. However for the creative tasks that require my full concentration I often have to wait for my husband to be done with his work or do a lot a night so I can have some uninterrupted time.
I should note that I have an INCREDIBLY supportive family and husband who is a hands on dad that shares all the parenting and housework in addition to being emotionally supportive of my business. Makes a huge difference!
I should note that I have an INCREDIBLY supportive family and husband who is a hands on dad that shares all the parenting and housework in addition to being emotionally supportive of my business. Makes a huge difference!
Yes, that is super important! I feel more confident because of that too. DH and I have always shared chores and while I'm the one dealing with all the admin/paperwork stuff we generally do a good job at avoiding over-burdening each other. FX things work out or he is going to have to go work with his dad which would be extremely more lucrative and flexible but he just loves his job in gaming
@kissableviv A gaming job?! How fun!!! I always vote the job you love over money! The love gets you through the hard days and if you love it then money will come!
Re: FFFC 12/29
As for the comparison thing, I think what I teach my daughter is valuable, and I appreciate you affirming that. And being a teacher by profession, I know that contributes to how far along she is in vocal ability, reading, etc because I'm often in teaching mode with her. (I miss it so much! I can't help it lol.) I put that part in specifically thinking of those memes I hate and see on FaceBook about moms that go something like "I fixed a boo boo so I'm a doctor, I baked cookies so I'm a scientist." That's what I was talking about with that. I actually think it contributes to society feeling like it's okay to devalue SAHMs when we say/post stuff like that, because everyone knows a band-aid doesn't equal doctor. And the way some moms insist it's the same because they're desperate for SOME kind of recognition and validation, well, it doesn't help. We should be valued because we do valuable work at home, full stop. Not because it's comparable to high-profile professions.
To clarify - these were just feelings I had, not pointing fingers or judging.
edit- changed my use of the word gender to sex- bc I know better
I think someone on here (I forget who, and wish I knew) it's not that anyone's sad they're having a boy (or girl) it's that we're sad for what we won't have. I'm glad there's room for expressing disappointment in our baby's sex on this board.
Edit. @christycalifornia I think that might have been me actually. This topic has been weighing on me heavily, and I’m feeling pretty guilty about it. That’s exactly how I feel. So excited for my boy, but sad I may never have a girl. But, most importantly I just want him to be healthy.
The bump is such a different place than it was 3 years ago! I remember seeing girls being shamed for expressing these feelings (and confusing gender v sex which for a ftm I had no clue there was a difference). What a nice community we’ve made here!! ❤️ You ladies are great!
I'm the same...it becomes a game to me when DB speed demons going past my 80mph want to ride my a$$, especially when there are cars in front of me. It's, "Hey tool, get off my a$$ or get boxed in.". Southern CA drivers at their best.
As far as I am concerned, and that doesn't apply to everyone, I need the interaction with adults, I need to fulfill my career ambitions, and I believe working moms are kick-ass. My mom was one, and she was the best. I often resented her being gone to work but the time she spent with me was always quality.
That said, I'm currently sacrificing a potentially more lucrative career. I chose to work from home for a small company instead because I value flexibility over a higher salary. After 18 months in the corporate world with an amazing salary and lots of benefits I can say the stress was just not worth it for me. I know some corporations are different. For us, everytime I look back and tell my DH I feel bad for making less money now, he tells me I'm crazy and that it was the best decision ever - I got my life back!
I feel good being able to work from home because even though I'll need help (daycare/nannies) I'll still be around to enjoy my son. I even plan to rent a co-working space twice a week to get out of the house and get some adult time!
What I CANNOT stand though is the SAHM that would shame WM because "they are missing their child's life" . Some people don't have a choice, and children raised by WM can be equally happy - I know it was and I actually loved my babysitter too.
In other FFCF...I took today off with the intention of being productive. I got too little sleep and we were both up at 7. We proceeded to eat breakfast in bed and watch way too much Netflix. Then I took a two hour nap and ate a huge bowl of pasta. Finally getting to organize our second closet and declutter the linen closet too. It's 4pm...I guess that's what days off are for??? Lol.
@4deep I'm so sorry for the heavy load you're carrying right now. I also apologize if my fffc made you feel frustrated or upset at a time when you needed to feel lifted up.
WAHM here!! (Wave emoji)
I've wanted my own company since high school, went to school for it, interned, put in hard time and at some CRAZY jobs. I relished the idea of being THE boss. I could do whatever I want at work AND be there for my kids. THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS, how could it go wrong?! I had it all figured out and I had it all figured out while I was pregnant too and then baby got here and I realized how far out my depth was.
The long and short, as a WAHM trying so hard and starting this company, I feel like I half-ass everything. I have one foot in and out both doors. When I am "momming" I feel like I should be working, when I am working I have mom guilt. And I feel like there are support groups for SAHM and working moms and I don't entirely fit in either one and I'm not allowed to complain because "I'm so lucky" and YES there are benefits, but I was so naive and didn't anticipate any of the challenges. I was so frustrated in those first months trying to figure out how to do both that my doctor just wanted to diagnose me as PPD and call it a day when I knew that's not what I was experiencing. All I needed was a WAHM to offer some advice or support on how they structure their day and get it all done. I'm still trying to figure it out. I could go on and on...
So SAHM moms...I get it girls that shit is HARD! Not brain surgury but it is hard and so under appreciated. Working moms...I get it girls that shit is hard!!!!
Any other WAHM here, I saw a couple of you, I'm here for you and if have any of it figured out let a girl know!!!
@BrittG13 I think I would struggle with being a WAHM, how do you separate the two? How do you stay on task? That would be a toughie for me. And on top of everything owning your own company, wow, get it girl!
I should note that I have an INCREDIBLY supportive family and husband who is a hands on dad that shares all the parenting and housework in addition to being emotionally supportive of my business. Makes a huge difference!
ETA: The bump autocorrect is a different beast.