Weekly Randoms- 12/18

sparklingdiamond

The girl I got connected with (who is pregnant with a CDH baby) that told me about Dr. Kays was induced last night and had her baby this morning and it's giving me all the feels.  It's exactly what I will be going through in a few months and it's scary and emotional.

JNCPro3130

@sparklingdiamond, that's awesome!  I bet it's a whirlwind of emotions! It's so great that you have someone to talk to!  With such an unknown ahead, having someone who has "been there, done that" must be nice!  I'm terrible and haven't been around much.  I've been thinking about you!  How are you doing?  Any updates?

sparklingdiamond

@JNCPro3130 How dare you not put your life on hold to follow mine?!   But seriously, I am doing okay.  No major updates really.  We have our appts in FL a week from tomorrow!  2 on the 26th and 2 on the 27th.  I am bot h super excited and super anxious about it.  I know it will be a relief to meet the doctor, but I am also still scared of what the MRI and echo will show.

JNCPro3130

@sparklingdiamond, HAHA  I know, but I have been thinking about you.  I knew you were meeting with the specialist sometime in December and couldn't remember when.  I was hoping I didn't miss an update.  I'm sure the waiting has been difficult, so I really hope you get a lot of information and all your questions answered.  

tincupchalice

@sparklingdiamond I hope you get some good news with the MRI and echo.

justsuzie

My best friend had a baby in June last year and had antepartum depression and postpartum, and her baby never sleeps.  It's making me really nervous about things after the baby get here....I mean, I am miserable right now, and the light at the end of my tunnel is that it will all be worth it when she is here.  It's hard for me to hear my bf complain all the time about how cranky her daughter is.  GULP.....quick vent.

cups4

@justsuzie maybe you will have a magic baby that STTN at 6 weeks, I hear those sometimes exist . Either way, it will be your baby, and you will love it despite its sleeping habits.  One great thing is that on my BMB from DS, we would have MOTN wake up threads and talk to each other and you have a huge support group to help you and understands exactly what you're going through at 2:43 am on a Tuesday.  One good thing is at least you are not going into this blindly and know what it will sort of be like because of your BF.  I thought I was going to catch up on Scandal and all my shows on the DVR and have a vacation on maternity leave....I still don't know what happened after Olivia's dad locked Scott Foley in an underground bunker 3 years later. 

nanifrog

@justsuzie I had a similar moment today. One of my daughter's classmates just had a baby sister, the family's 4th kid. Today they had the class holiday party and show. As I was leaving, I saw the mom coming in with all 4 kids. She started crying when she realized they'd missed everything. I just had this moment of thinking, "what the f am I getting myself into? Things are great with 2."

What I think is damaging is that once the baby is born we have to live up to this idea that it was all worth it. 95% of it is hard. After the baby is born, you're tired and physically in a weird place. Your relationship with your spouse changes a shit ton. But you do love the crap out of the baby and your brain tells you how great that is. It's actually great that you have a friend you'll be able to share you're real feelings with. I always found it difficult to have to pretend I was over the moon when I was depressed and scared and overwhelmed.

But DD2 was super cute singing today. And DD1 decided we should bake cookies yesterday and it was really fun. I love listening to their conversations.

Edited for typos

suchaglencoco

@cups4 nailed it @justsuzie. Plus I think it's great you aren't going into it being naive and thinking it'll all be  bliss and peaceful nights. Some babies are hard, like super hard. Some have witching hours. Some are amazing.  
Our twins were very good sleepers and we kept them on a pretty tight schedule which worked really well for us. I am terrified this baby will have colic, not sleep, not be on a schedule, only want to be held, etc etc etc, but I am so excited for it all! This may be our last baby and I will try hard as heck to just cherish all of the blunders. 
Our main mantra with the twins every day has been "they'll never be this little ever again, for tomorrow they'll be a day older". And it'll be the same for this baby.

JNCPro3130

@justsuzie, it's hard!  DS was an "easy" baby, but even with easy babies you will have a moment (or lots )where you think "How am I going to do this?!"  I think it's because, like @nanifrog said, you're made to think you have to do it all.  You will be stretched thin and tired, but I remember reading the poem below.  You are still exhausted, but it helped me keep things in perspective. It's really big, so I apologize!

sandbar517

@suchaglencoco makes some really good points.  Although my mantra with my twins was, "It will get easier/better!"  LOL  On a serious note, though, like she said-it helps that you have a more realistic idea of what having a baby will be like.  I think part of my problem was that as a FTM I had all these ideas that having a baby was going to be so much fun, and I would love the baby so much, and even though I had sisters that sometimes talked about how hard having a baby could be, I always told myself, "It won't be like that for me because I want it SO badly that I'll enjoy even the bad parts."  And then I had twins.  And postpartum anxiety. 
*TW family loss*
And was grieving my dad who had died 10 days earlier.
*end TW*
It's hard.  And looking back, I just felt so isolated, even if people came over to help-it was all up to me.  I had to feed them, or I had to pump, so I felt like my whole life was being lived in these two hour blocks of time that revolved around their eating and my pumping.  I just felt like I couldn't get away, I couldn't leave like everyone else did and leave someone else to deal with them, and I got very overwhelmed by that.  I felt like no one knew what I was going through-obviously not my husband, and not even my sisters or friends, because none of them had twins.  People always say how being a mother is a 24/7 job, and I don't think I *truly* realized that until after I had them, and that was what hit me so hard.  Even if I got to leave the house for 30-60 minutes, I was still their mother and I was still responsible for them.  You can never leave your job of being a mom, you don't get a vacation (especially when they're that young), and it's not the same for the parent who didn't carry them for some reason, either.  They can leave the house and almost forget they have a newborn, but I couldn't because I was constantly looking at the clock, and feeling my boobs leak, or at least be very full and uncomfortable, and it made my depression and anxiety that much worse.  I'm sorry, I'm probably not helping.  I guess I'm just trying to say that at first, it might not feel like it's worth it.  I know, that sounds terrible, but it's the truth.  Or at least it was my truth.  But it really does get better, every day, and more than likely, at some point somewhere down the road, it WILL all definitely be worth it.  

thunderberry

@justsuzie I get pretty freaked out too when I hear mothers talking about how incredibly hard being a parent is. It's weird because I've been so fixated for so long on getting pregnant, but despite wanting it so badly I can't seem to escape the "am I ruining my life?!!?" moments. I get grouchy when I have less than 8 hours sleep now so have no idea how I'm going to adjust if this baby isn't a good sleeper. Plus I hate loud noises and when I see our nephew on Facetime running in circles yelling his head off it just makes my stomach sink. DH doesn't get it, and doesn't seem nervous at all, so it's good to have people online who share my freak outs.

I read somewhere that mothers who eat more chocolate during pregnancy have babies with better dispositions, so now I'm taking that as my excuse to have chocolate every day. 

sandbar517

@thunderberry I love that!  I'm going to use that, too.  LOL

thunderberry

Tomorrow is our anatomy scan and I am scared shitless. I get pretty jealous of people who are actually excited for theirs. It seems like having one scan go badly means I'll never be less than totally terrified for future ones, even though the fact that our 16 week scan was fine means it's probably all good. But I'm still not sure if I've even felt movement so I have this fear I'm going to go tomorrow and they'll find he just stopped growing or something. Can't wait for it to be over and I can hopefully be a little less neurotic! 

JNCPro3130

@thunderberry, Sweet!  This baby is going to be a saint!  I am currently stuffing my face with chocolate...and have been all this pregnancy! LOL

sandbar517

@thunderberry I am feeling the same way about mine on Wednesday.  I've been having terrible thoughts this whole pregnancy like something is going to go terribly wrong, and I'm terrified for my AS for the same reasons you mentioned.  I really hope things go well for both of us, and then we can hopefully start to feel better about everything.  

justsuzie

@nanifrog @cups4 Thanks for putting a positive spin on it!  I guess at least I will know someone who completely gets it.  SHe also said she is going to hound me and make me tell her how I feel because she knows about my anxiety issues. 

suchaglencoco   That reminds me of my mantra...everything is temporary!

JNCPro3130 That poem made me tear up.  I am so looking forward to meeting this little one.  I am lucky that I am pretty absent from social media and pinterest so I don't really see the cookie cutter perfect family.  I see real life everyday at work when kids come in smelling like syrup or with their shirts inside out!

sandbar517   I guess hindsight is also worth something....it's probably hard in some moments to know that it is worth it.  

@thunderberry I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.  My therapist has me visualize every part of the procedure and visualize things going well.  It helps ease the anxiety of the wait beforehand.  Keep us posted!

sparklingdiamond

@thunderberry and @sandbar517 I hope you both get good news at your anatomy scans.  I totally understand the fear.  

gildah

You know, yes, being a mom is hard. It’s a huge adjustment and you will likely feel anxiety and stress. But honestly, sometimes I think parents can go a little overboard with the complaining. It’s almost like there’s this stressed out parents club that they are a part of, and they want to remind you of their stressed out superiority. I hate that kind of one upping. And I’m not talking about being honest with pregnant moms in a supportive, I’m here for you if you need anything kind of way. I mean the parents who are always talking about parenthood like they are in the trenches of WW1. Don’t get me wrong, there are stressful moments and your life will change, but it’s something that most people are capable of handling. Personally, I am not great with extreme stress and I’m not that organized, but I’m pregnant with my 5th kid and so far I’ve survived. We’ll see, maybe baby #5 will do me in.

justsuzie

@gildah I also wonder if maybe other moms kind of want you to be as stressed out as they are because it makes them feel better?  I was telling someone at my lunch that I would love to go natural for birth because I can't stand the idea of the epidural.  (Long story...here's the short- I had a nerve block when I broke a bone and not being able to feel my leg made me lose it and I had a massive panic attack.  So I want to stay away from the epidural because that is a common side-effect.)  Anyhow I had 2 women tell me that I was being idealistic to think that I could go natural as a FTM.  I don't know that I an, but it is something I want to BELIEVE that I can do.  But that made me think that maybe they felt some regret over the epidural and want others to chose what they did to ease that?  Don't really know.

gildah

@thunderberry I’m going to be sending you so many positive thoughts! Good luck!

gildah

@sparklingdiamond Keep us updated on your friend! I hope everything goes smoothly for her and her little one!!! I’m definitley keeping her in my thoughts!

I’m having a lot of anxiety about the AS next week. I normally do not, so this is unusual for me. I don’t know, but I have this weird feeling of dread. I’m sure everything will be fine, but it’s so nerve wracking!

suchaglencoco

@sandbar517 makes an amazing point- do not let yourself become an island!
We accepted help right off the bat. My mom moved in with us Sunday night through Friday afternoon for 4 weeks straight. She even brought her 2 "dogs" (7 lbs each) with and it was an amazing help since dh went right back to work. 
I know not everyone is blessed to have a good relationship with their mother and most of them don't have the ability to move in or help daily. Definitely do what you're comfortable with, and take what you can, but it can be isolating, especially with breastfeeding because you're the only source for baby those first few weeks (unless you decide not to pump). So make others change diapers, wash the laundry, do the dishes- just delegate all the small stuff so you only need to worry about rest and feeding baby.

JNCPro3130

@justsuzie, I had a med free birth with DS and I cloth diapered him.  I had so many people laugh and say, "Yeah... no epidural!  LOL  Wait until she feels that first contraction.  She'll beg for it!"  Same with cloth diapers.  They would laugh and say "Wait until she has to clean those poopy diapers!  She'll switch to disposable quickly!"  I was pretty set on cloth diapers and couldn't wait to prove people wrong!  As far as the med free birth, I knew I had no idea what labor was like, so I just said I was going to see how long I could last without one and go from there.  I remember feeling hurt by people legit laughing AT me about how I had no idea and was just a silly FTM.  You do what you think is best for you.  If you are uncomfortable with the idea of an epidural, don't get one.  Don't let anyone make you feel like you can't.  If you end up needing one, then that is totally fine, but a lot of people go without and that is their choice too. 

gildah

@justsuzie I know tons of first time moms who didn’t get epidurals. It’s totally possible, especially if the reason you don’t want one is because you are afraid of them. Personally, I have nothing against getting one from a philosophical or medical standpoint, but I cannot handle feeling numb. I have passed out anytime I’ve had any kind of numbing procedure. The idea of not feeling my legs absolutely terrifies me. Now, that being said, depending on your labor, there may come a time when you decide that you need pain relief, and if that’s the case, great! At least you have the option! 
I also cloth diapered all my kids. I quit with my 4th when he started pooping real poop TBH. But, we were renovating our house and living in a rental with no dishwasher. I was a little overwhelmed. 

loko08

@justsuzie yeah, it's hard. And there's a risk of postpartum depression, and/or anxiety, and/or rage (which isn't talked about as much). DD was kind of an "easy" baby in the sense that there wasn't an underlying issue of colic or reflux or anything like that to make it more difficult, but I still got the postpartum rage. My BMB helped immensely with identifying that, and so did my H. And other family members. We'll be here for you. The MOTN threads are literal lifesavers sometimes, and it will be tough, but it will also be okay and we'll all muddle through together. Also, your birth plan is just that - your birth plan. Don't let people get to you, no one is going to go through what you go through.

@thunderberry . I have the same trepidation for ours next week and there's really no basis. I will be sending good vibes your way that it is an uneventful scan!

justsuzie

@loko08 @gildah @JNCPro3130 Thanks for the reassurance.  I like to think I have a pretty realistic view with a slight push towards optimism.  

tincupchalice

I have noooo idea what we're going to name this kid.

JNCPro3130

@tincupchalice, Naming is so hard!! I don't feel excited about any name yet. 

bwow615

@tincupchalice same here, we can't agree on anything. 

tincupchalice

We've already named two boys, I feel like we've fought over every possible name already!  And DH really likes the name Fred (it's a family name).  I cannnnnnoooot stand it!

bwow615

Lol! We have one DS and we had a boys name set, but found out this one is a girl. I think "Freddie" is cute but Fred sounds like an old man, reminds me of the show call the midwife. 

nanifrog

@gildah I agree that sometimes parents need you to know how much they're doing and how great they are. Unfortunately, in my experience, the worst I know are 2 particular SAHMs. Everything they do needs to be advertised and they act like they're the only ones who have ever raised children. One is my sis.

When things were hardest with DD1 and DD2 was not sleeping much AND we were paying 2 mortgages, DH and I would talk a lot about whether we should have just not had kids at all. Lately, things are so much easier and we're able to get to the happy parts. But oddly, it's what's making me so scared to have this baby. 

I got a new phone tonight... The Google pixel. It doesn't use as regular usb charger and I'm thinking that might be a deal breaker. And the keyboard is annoying but I'm hoping I can change that.

bwow615

@nanifrog I have the pixel also, I've had it for a year now, and I've grown to like it. I did have to buy a few extra chargers from Amazon to keep in different locations. Also it takes great pictures and Google photos is awesome. 

nanifrog

bwow615 said:

@nanifrog I have the pixel also, I've had it for a year now, and I've grown to like it. I did have to buy a few extra chargers from Amazon to keep in different locations. Also it takes great pictures and Google photos is awesome. 

Do you know how to make the letters on they keyboard smaller? It feels way too big and weird. But i guess it's doing better than the LG one since so far there are fewer auto-corects that make no sense.

Also, it does not charge quickly at all.

bwow615

@nanifrog With the USB charger it doesn't, but with that other plug that comes with it, it should be a lot quicker.  And I think maybe I'm used to the big keyboard now lol

nanifrog

Hm. I'm not sure what other plug. The short one for data transfer?

ivyvines6

justsuzie said:

My best friend had a baby in June last year and had antepartum depression and postpartum, and her baby never sleeps.  It's making me really nervous about things after the baby get here....I mean, I am miserable right now, and the light at the end of my tunnel is that it will all be worth it when she is here.  It's hard for me to hear my bf complain all the time about how cranky her daughter is.  GULP.....quick vent.

If it’s any consolation I had antenatal depression with J and the moment I delivered the placenta it went completely away. I also had a magic baby that slept through the night (9-4 and 5-7) at six weeks. It’s definitely come back this pregnancy and I’m holding out that the same thing will happen for me again.

ivyvines6

Also @justsuzie I just finished reading everything you posted and a lot of your concerns mirrored mine with my first pregnancy. I was dead set on a vaginal/non medicated birth, and breastfeeding, and cloth diapering. I had several people shit on all of those things, and told me how I’d be wrong about what I knew I wanted. Guess who was right in the end??? We live in a society that constantly tells women they can’t be trusted to discern what’s best for themselves, especially surrounding birth, and it feels extremely defeating when you’re in the trenches of pregnancy with all the hormones flying, and doubts of being a FTM.

For me the epidural was 1000% out because of my phobia surrounding needles. It’s not a seeing the needle thing, it’s having access to put something into your veins, or pull something out that sends my head spinning. There’s no way that pain relief would have overcome that issue for me. Also, don’t fear the pain. It’s there for a reason. You’re a stronger woman than you know, and as long as you have realistic expectations, you’ll be fine. I’ve personally had periods worse than contractions but the push phase was hell on earth to me. 

nanifrog

I agree with @ivyvines6 to see the contractions as good pain. With my second, i just kept imagining opening up.

That said, while i don't think it's fair for people to tell you that you won't be able to do certain things, parenting had forced me to be less committed to certain plans. With my first, i was 100% not going to get an epidural. But 22 hours after my water broke with no progress, that just wasn't an option anymore. I think i mostly was just so anxious and stuck on going natural that i wasn't able toum relax at all. I'm learning that the more calm i am as a parent, the better things go. Getting through labor is just 1 tiny piece of it all.

molly1108-2

I'm also feeling major anxiety about the AS. I don't have anyone history or reason to feel that way but I think the more times I'm pregnant and have friends who have babies and all the range of things you hear about and could go wrong, it just gets me very anxious. It's probably irrational but it's there. 

Also team no name here! We haven't even discussed yet