@g_amoss I still am not 100% sure. All he has admitted to is fast food and xbox crap. Nothing went to the family or our home and now because of it, we are struggling when we shouldnt be. We are trying to sell his truck to get rid of the debt before the baby comes, but so far nothing.
@sjn00 Oh girl I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this with your H right now. I would definitely try to get to the bottom of where all that money went... my mind also went to gambling. As a therapist, I hear about stuff like this happening all the time. If there is an underlining issue like a gambling problem going on you would want to address that and consider getting your H help. So sorry your holiday wasn’t what you wanted.
@ngolimento@JJMNO1616 He said he wasn't gambling, cheating, or doing drugs. So I really have no clue and doubt I ever will, which upsets me even more. SO much money to just go to nothing and I have to deal with the responsibility of it all. My depression is so bad right now, ive spent the last 2 days locked in my room just trying to get some sort of peace.
@sjn00 so sorry you’re feeling so down and going through such a tough situation with DH. I can’t even imagine. Sending lots of positive vibes your way.
@sjn00 - I have put more thought into this... I’d contact your bank (mostly to talk to a real person), and run a credit check. He could have gotten credit cards or another loan that he hasn’t confessed to. Did he always use cash for the purchases or can you look up card charges? I don’t blame you for not wanting to keep pushing him on where the money went, but that’s a lot more money than a person could spend on eating out and video games. I hope he comes clean and you can work through the issues together.
@g_amoss my bank sends us a monthly statement that has all loans due, his credit card that needs to be paid, and everything that was taken out of the bank and where it went, so there isn't much he can hide now from that. Thats how I found out about the loans in the first place that he didn't confess to. He always used cash or Visa. I now have his Visa, so he has no access to the money in the bank unless he goes in person, but im so on top or every cent that comes out of the account right now that he can't take out 1 penny without me knowing. Its not that I dont want to keep pushing him, he has lied multiple times now on why he pulled the money out, like we had to pay for our floors to be redone, but I know for a fact that his dad paid for it. So he either shuts down and says nothing or comes up with a lie i already know the truth to. All he said was "food and xbox stuff to "treat myself a little" outside of the loans, he spent $400 on daily fast food, itunes crap, xbox crap, etc. He's not going to come clean. I told him already he wasnt going to be in the delivery room when the baby comes. I really want nothing to do with him at this point.
@g_amoss my bank sends us a monthly statement that has all loans due, his credit card that needs to be paid, and everything that was taken out of the bank and where it went, so there isn't much he can hide now from that. Thats how I found out about the loans in the first place that he didn't confess to. He always used cash or Visa. I now have his Visa, so he has no access to the money in the bank unless he goes in person, but im so on top or every cent that comes out of the account right now that he can't take out 1 penny without me knowing. Its not that I dont want to keep pushing him, he has lied multiple times now on why he pulled the money out, like we had to pay for our floors to be redone, but I know for a fact that his dad paid for it. So he either shuts down and says nothing or comes up with a lie i already know the truth to. All he said was "food and xbox stuff to "treat myself a little" outside of the loans, he spent $400 on daily fast food, itunes crap, xbox crap, etc. He's not going to come clean. I told him already he wasnt going to be in the delivery room when the baby comes. I really want nothing to do with him at this point.
I don't blame you at all for banning him from the delivery room. That kind of behavior is a threat to the family and intensely destabilizing. The fact he won't even admit what he did smacks of not feeling sorry, or being willing not to do it again.
Is there any way to get a hold of the loan application? He would have had to give a purpose for the loan on it.
ETA: Examining the loan application for a loan purpose would be important to me, because if it said something like "consolidation " then you know there is even more secret debt out there.
@sjn00 Wow, that’s so tough. Maybe you should consider seeing a marriage therapist? I honestly don’t know how I would ever trust my husband again if he didn’t at least come clean on what he did with all the money. I mean, even if it was something horrible I could try to forgive him and work past it but him not even being honest about what he did with all of it is worse to me. Do you think it’s possible he got caught up in a scam? I wonder if he is too embarrassed to admit it.
@ngolimento yeah, I told him I cant even look you in the face, let alone want you for "support" while trying to get the baby out, ID be happier by myself. Im not sure. All the loans were taken out through his bank. He even refinanced his truck to get them out. I tried calling to get loan info. And they said because my name wasn't on the loans, she couldnt give me any information, that i would have to talk to my husband about it. That got me no where.
@JJMNO1616 We have tried seeing a marriage therapist this past summer, but he refused to do any of the work to fix anything and refused to see a therapist on his own, so it ended up being a waste of time and money. Im really hoping that when his parents get back from mexico in Jan, that they will make him sit down and come clean about everything he isnt coming clean with me about. His dad is livid and has helped us out so much. I really just need for his dad to have a talk with him and lay it all out on the line because I feel like thats the only hope for something to ahift for him. I dont know that I will ever be able to trust him again. I reached out to my therapist and I think we are going to do a phone or skype session. She is worried about the lack of support I have and what it is doing to my depression and anxiety and how its causing me to lapse in my eating disorder recovery. I also need to now sort through possibly going back on medication to help so I dont further put this baby under anymore stress from it all. I really dont want to do that either, but I dont think at this point I have much of a choice.
@sjn00 I’m glad to hear you at least have a therapist you can talk to. Taking medications while pregnant is a hard decision but as you said... if your anxiety and depression is severe then that could be causing very negative consequences for you and baby. I hope you can work with a doctor you trust to make the decision that is best for you.
@JJMNO1616 Thank you, I saw her 4 times a week for a year, then went down to 3 times a week, to 2 times while in treatment. To 1 time a week when I discharged, havent seen her now for about a month because of finances (she is 2.5 hours away from me). I trust her so much, which is huge for me right now. I know full heartidly that she has my best interest at heart and I can be 100% raw with her. She knows how important it is to me not to be on medication in fears of harming the baby, so for her to reccomend it is a big deal. Unfortunately, I dont have that trust with my OB, so i'll see what she has to say. I am grateful to at least be past the 20 week mark and the anatomy scan all came back normal and no further scans were necissary, so if I do go on medicine, I feel more confident that LO will be okay.
@g_amoss thank you. I dont really talk to my family. My mom died when I was 11 and my dad died when I was 21. I had a pretty traumatic childhood and am pretty seperated from my family because of it. The closest ones i talk to live about 2 hours away, but the past few years we only stay up to date on eachother through facebook, so not much there. I have two half sisters but the live in Rhode island and Florida (im in California) and we dont talk at all unless it is big things.
@sjn00 I would look into the laws about community property in your state. I know in Texas, if my husband took out loans even in his own name, his debt would also be my debt and I would be legally entitled to see the financial documents related to it. If it were me, I'd want to know definitively where that money went in order to get closure for the situation; then again, I totally understand if you're just done with the situation entirely. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this crap and are (understandably) feeling down because of it.
Well I have a Thanksgiving-related rant. We flew to stay with my in laws for the week of Thanksgiving. The flight there was an ordeal with three young kids, then all of them got sick: one with cough/fever, one with diarrhea, one with fever/vomiting/diarrhea. We got very little sleep (as you might expect!) and it was a really rough week.
So my SIL, BIL and their two kids were supposed to come have thanksgiving dinner with us at my in laws' house but decided not to due to the plague situation. When my MIL found out they weren't coming, she cried on and off for the rest of Thanksgiving day. Look, I get being disappointed when expectations aren't met but we flew a long way and went through a ton of crap ourselves to spend time with you people; my 3 year old had a fever and was throwing up nonstop that day, and you're crying because your perfect Thanksgiving didn't happen??? The plane ride home was an absolute disaster and two of my kids still won't eat, and I feel like my in laws have no concept of/gratitude for us going through it to come see them. My childish MIL was too focused on her Hallmark channel version of events not happening to think about anyone else. Ok, rant over.
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@lindsye Oh nooo. That’s rought. So sorry to hear that your already stressful holiday traveling turned into a even bigger sh*t show (no pun intended). I can understand why your MIL would be disappointed but crying throughout the entire day is a little dramatic! She should have just sucked it up and delt with her feelings about it privately. Maybe this is a good excuse to avoid traveling for the holidays in the future!
@lindsye Thank you! I'll look into it. Im pretty sure its affecting my credit as well.
omg!! I hope everyone starts feeling better soon and that you or your husband dont get it!! Im sorry your MIL wan't understanding about it all! Do your BIL and SIL live near her? Could they get together another day and celebrate? Thats so frustrating. Its not your fault the kids werent feeling well!
@JJMNO1616 you are so right - we will not be visiting for the holidays again anytime soon!
@sjn00 yes they live like 15 minutes away from my in laws - I think my MIL just had a big family dinner in mind, but it's like trust me, this isn't how I envisioned spending thanksgiving either and I'm not crying all day.
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Thank you, @ngolimento! Your DH's entire family sounds like they got an extra couple doses of special (and not in a good way), so I know this is small stuff compared to what you're used to. Still annoying, though.
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Thanks you all for the supportive words on our planned weekend. It was my own doing, we would normally never attempt such a thing but my family had their impromptu reunion with a bunch of out of towners and I wanted to see them.
We go home tomorrow.... And I'm ready... And we discovered my parents are coming to us for Christmas. I'm both excited... And a little dreading having a house full at Christmas. Cest la vie I suppose!
DS: EDD, December 19th, 2014. Born, December 19th, 2014! DD: EDD, July 18th, 2016. Born, July 19th, 2016!
@sjn00 I'm so sorry for what you're gong through. I don't have any advice to add on top of what's already been mentioned, but I wanted to say it's so wrong what he's done and the fact that he won't come clean to you. It's super shady and I hope there isn't more to the story.
@lindsye Ugh, I'm sorry for how your holiday ended up! Having sick kiddos is hard, traveling with sick kids is heroic of you. I'm sorry your in laws didn't appreciate all the effort you made into visiting!
@sjn00 I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this! Has he at the very least apologized or acknowledged that what he did was wrong?? I cannot believe he won't tell you what the money was for--it can't have been anything good if he's insisting on staying silent about it.
@kaymaroo hahaha no, he didnt apologize AT ALL and I brought that up and told him not to even bother at this point because it would have only been done because I said something.
I REAAAALLLLYYY just need his parents to get home from Mexico so that I can discuss everything with them. Although his mom doesnt seem to understand how serious this is, so it just makes me more pissed off. She said "Dont throw in the towel, just be patient with him" ef that crap. He is 34 years old. He needs to tale responsibility for his crap. But he's not. Instead it is all being placed on me to clean up.
@kaymaroo hahaha no, he didnt apologize AT ALL and I brought that up and told him not to even bother at this point because it would have only been done because I said something.
I REAAAALLLLYYY just need his parents to get home from Mexico so that I can discuss everything with them. Although his mom doesnt seem to understand how serious this is, so it just makes me more pissed off. She said "Dont throw in the towel, just be patient with him" ef that crap. He is 34 years old. He needs to tale responsibility for his crap. But he's not. Instead it is all being placed on me to clean up.
That is not what a marriage is made of. He can't just make those kinds of financial decisions/mistakes and not even tell you about them and refuse to talk to you about it.
No offence intended at all, because I know how much stress you must be under as it is, but why do you need his parents to get home to handle this? In all honesty if my husband got us $13k in debt and refused to tell me what it was for he would, at the very least, be sleeping at someone else's house until he got his act together and could discuss it like an adult. To me, his refusal to tell you at this point is tantamount to a very large, potentially unforgivable lie. I'm not saying to throw in the towel either, but what he's doing is absolutely 100% not okay and he needs to talk to you about what's going on.
@kaymaroo I agree 100% with you and I did kick him out, but his mom asked for him to come back so he could explain, his parents own the place we live in, so I cant really say no to her wanting him to come back. Well, he didnt other then it was for fast food and xbox crap.
His dad especially is a hard ass and has done SOOO much for us. If anyone is going to make him cop to the truth and not lie about it, it will be his parents. So if im going to get any further with him, im going to need them to step in. His response to confrontation is to shut down, so thats all I have been getting, is complete silence or a lie to cover it up. A lot of the lies he has told me has involved his parents, so i need his parents to be there to stop those lies dead in there tracks. He is literally like an 8 year old boy at this point. Its rediculous.
Re: Thanksgiving b*tchfest
Do you think maybe he is doing something like online gambling?
Is there any way to get a hold of the loan application? He would have had to give a purpose for the loan on it.
ETA: Examining the loan application for a loan purpose would be important to me, because if it said something like "consolidation " then you know there is even more secret debt out there.
@JJMNO1616 We have tried seeing a marriage therapist this past summer, but he refused to do any of the work to fix anything and refused to see a therapist on his own, so it ended up being a waste of time and money. Im really hoping that when his parents get back from mexico in Jan, that they will make him sit down and come clean about everything he isnt coming clean with me about. His dad is livid and has helped us out so much. I really just need for his dad to have a talk with him and lay it all out on the line because I feel like thats the only hope for something to ahift for him. I dont know that I will ever be able to trust him again. I reached out to my therapist and I think we are going to do a phone or skype session. She is worried about the lack of support I have and what it is doing to my depression and anxiety and how its causing me to lapse in my eating disorder recovery. I also need to now sort through possibly going back on medication to help so I dont further put this baby under anymore stress from it all. I really dont want to do that either, but I dont think at this point I have much of a choice.
Well I have a Thanksgiving-related rant. We flew to stay with my in laws for the week of Thanksgiving.
The flight there was an ordeal with three young kids, then all of them got sick: one with cough/fever, one with diarrhea, one with fever/vomiting/diarrhea. We got very little sleep (as you might expect!) and it was a really rough week.
So my SIL, BIL and their two kids were supposed to come have thanksgiving dinner with us at my in laws' house but decided not to due to the plague situation. When my MIL found out they weren't coming, she cried on and off for the rest of Thanksgiving day. Look, I get being disappointed when expectations aren't met but we flew a long way and went through a ton of crap ourselves to spend time with you people; my 3 year old had a fever and was throwing up nonstop that day, and you're crying because your perfect Thanksgiving didn't happen??? The plane ride home was an absolute disaster and two of my kids still won't eat, and I feel like my in laws have no concept of/gratitude for us going through it to come see them. My childish MIL was too focused on her Hallmark channel version of events not happening to think about anyone else. Ok, rant over.
omg!! I hope everyone starts feeling better soon and that you or your husband dont get it!! Im sorry your MIL wan't understanding about it all! Do your BIL and SIL live near her? Could they get together another day and celebrate? Thats so frustrating. Its not your fault the kids werent feeling well!
@sjn00 yes they live like 15 minutes away from my in laws - I think my MIL just had a big family dinner in mind, but it's like trust me, this isn't how I envisioned spending thanksgiving either and I'm not crying all day.
@lindsye ugh that just sucks! What a disappointing way to spend the holiday.
DS: EDD, December 19th, 2014. Born, December 19th, 2014!
DD: EDD, July 18th, 2016. Born, July 19th, 2016!
Baby #3: EDD, April 16th, 2016
We go home tomorrow.... And I'm ready... And we discovered my parents are coming to us for Christmas. I'm both excited... And a little dreading having a house full at Christmas. Cest la vie I suppose!
DS: EDD, December 19th, 2014. Born, December 19th, 2014!
DD: EDD, July 18th, 2016. Born, July 19th, 2016!
Baby #3: EDD, April 16th, 2016
@lindsye Ugh, I'm sorry for how your holiday ended up! Having sick kiddos is hard, traveling with sick kids is heroic of you. I'm sorry your in laws didn't appreciate all the effort you made into visiting!
I REAAAALLLLYYY just need his parents to get home from Mexico so that I can discuss everything with them. Although his mom doesnt seem to understand how serious this is, so it just makes me more pissed off. She said "Dont throw in the towel, just be patient with him" ef that crap. He is 34 years old. He needs to tale responsibility for his crap. But he's not. Instead it is all being placed on me to clean up.
No offence intended at all, because I know how much stress you must be under as it is, but why do you need his parents to get home to handle this? In all honesty if my husband got us $13k in debt and refused to tell me what it was for he would, at the very least, be sleeping at someone else's house until he got his act together and could discuss it like an adult. To me, his refusal to tell you at this point is tantamount to a very large, potentially unforgivable lie. I'm not saying to throw in the towel either, but what he's doing is absolutely 100% not okay and he needs to talk to you about what's going on.
His dad especially is a hard ass and has done SOOO much for us. If anyone is going to make him cop to the truth and not lie about it, it will be his parents. So if im going to get any further with him, im going to need them to step in. His response to confrontation is to shut down, so thats all I have been getting, is complete silence or a lie to cover it up. A lot of the lies he has told me has involved his parents, so i need his parents to be there to stop those lies dead in there tracks. He is literally like an 8 year old boy at this point. Its rediculous.