TTCAL Check-In Week of 10/2 - Page 3 — The Bump
TTC After a Loss

TTCAL Check-In Week of 10/2


Re: TTCAL Check-In Week of 10/2

  • edited October 2017

    @mack2342 @sprkls8506 @eleighmay Thank you. It’s bittersweet to hear your stories. On one hand so comforting to know that I’m not alone in this, but sorrow to know that anyone else has had to suffer like this. I am hopeful that we will all get past this part of life and have healthy newborns in our arms and be able to move on (as much as you can/want).

    @vlagrl29 I'm the septate (septum) girl  B) So hopefully it will fix the recurrent losses! 

  • @Mack2342 @cassafrass15 I'm so sorry you ladies had to endure verbal diarrhea from stupid people. How incredibly hurtful. I remember when my RE's office set me up with a healthcare consultant to help me fight my insurance denial, one of the first things the guy said to me was "I'm very passionate about fertility but I don't know what you're going through because I'm lucky to have 5 kids". Thanks jerk face. I honestly think some people just don't know what to say to us and they insist on continuing to talk until something dumb comes out when they really should have just shut up a long time ago. 

    Me: 35 I DH: 38
    *TW loss and children mentioned*
    DD:2006 | Dx: Unexplained Secondary Infertility | DS: 2011

    TFAS since 2012

    Oct 16: Spontaneous BFP | m/c @ 9w1d (massive SCH) | D&C
    Apr 17: IUI #1 = BFN
    May 17: IUI #2 = BFN
    Jun 17: IUI #3 = Late BFP (18 DPO) | NMC 17Jul17 @ ~6w
    Aug 17: IUI #4 = Cancelled due to premature ovulation | TI = BFN
    Sep 17: IUI #5 = Cancelled due to overstimulation (10+ follies)
    Nov 17: IVF #1 = Cancelled due to non-IF related health issue | TI = BFN
    Dec 17: IVF #1 = Puregon 200, Menopur 75, Orgalutran, Suprefact trigger due to OHSS risk | 22R, 18M, 16F, 10B frozen  
    Feb 18: FET #1 (medicated) = BFN
    Mar 18: FET #2 (natural cycle) = CP (beta 1: 54; beta 2: 0)
    Apr 18: FET #3 (natural cycle) = cancelled due to missed ovulation
    Apr 18: FET #3 (natural cycle) = BFP! Beta 1: 201  Beta 2: 585 Beta 3: 3254 Beta 4: 9715 U/S 19May - one bean measuring on track with a HB of 125!
    EDD: 07Jan2019 Team Green
    My Rainbow Baby Boy born 03Jan2019 <3 

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  • @msstephanielynn I'm sorry you're hurting so much today. ❤
  • i hate the most when people say that it is not a big deal, because it happens all the time. How would it make it less painful for me? Also I always want to reply, "ye it's also not a big deal if someone from your family dies right, because people die all the time", but i bite my tongue last second.
  • ELeighMayELeighMay member
    edited October 2017
    aga31 *TW* My aunt, who my mother took it upon herself to inform of my PG and loss, said to me  "well at least you have a DS". While yes, I'm EXTREMELY fortunate to have him it doesn't take the place of my loss. Is that like saying to someone "well, at least you have a father" acceptable if thier mother dies? I don't get the thought process of some people.
  • @ELeighMay YES!!! I get that A LOT. Yes we were very lucky the first time (and second in my case) but a loss is a loss. And my two losses were wanted every bit as much as my first children. Man that boils my blood. People think they're being helpful but they don't have a clue.
  • @ELeighMay - I hate that too. I try and convince myself that 1 is enough but damnit I yearn for 2. I also got at least you can get pregnant and people can get pregnant up to age 50. I tell them I don't want to be pregnant at 50 wtf?!
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  • @Mack2342 Ugh, compatible?! I can't believe people. Like compatibility has anything to do with it. Gross.

    @vlagrl29 I also get the "at least you can get pregnant" comment a lot - like that makes losing said pregnancies any better.

    In conclusion, I want to punch ALL the throats.
  • I'm sure ya'll think I'm a little nuts by now - in good way.  I've struggled today and a little bit last week.  Kind of a overall sad feeling.  I don't think I can do all that timing BD, OPK, and temping anymore.  It's just bringing up old emotions for me.  I had worked really hard on letting go over the summer and finally felt I was in the right spot mentally speaking.  I had gone a long time without crying or getting upset over pg announcements - a long time more like 2 months and even DH noticed my improvement.  I really wanted to give it 1 last big effort on our end but I'm not sure it's worth keeping me from enjoying the present moment.  Obviously we will still have unprotected sex and do our best to do it around that time that is best.  I'll still have us take our vitamins that I implemented last month.  IDK - I know people try really hard for years and maybe I'm weak but I just can't compromise a strong mind and positive outlook.
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  • @vlagrl29 I think you have a good plan. I think you have to work through this in whatever way it works for you! 
  • @vlagrl29 I agree with @sprkls8506 do what's right for you
  • Thanks ladies @sprkls8506 and @Mack2342 - I can just see myself becoming more and more upset with each BFN passing month if I continue this.  Just deleted my temping app off my phone.  I'll still OPK this month and the prog test but that's probably it.
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  • I am a big fan of not temping! , defenitely sleeping better in the morning and not checking my chart every hour like a lunatic (sorry if I offended anyone here, but it made me feel super crazy). 
    I totally agree, loss is a loss and it hurts you no matter how big your family is. I sometimes feel however that going through ttcal would be somehow easier for me if I had living kids. My biggest fear now (and i know it's irrational and stupid) is that my lost baby was the only one we could have ever concieved and I used up my good luck in the ttc lottery. I know it's a crazy thinking and obviously I cannot compare my struggles and emotions to anyone else, but a fear of not having any kids is hard to cope with.
  • I get that @aga31 - I would probably be the same way.  For me I think this process is easier if I don't give a shit. I still care and want it to happen.
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  • @vlagrl29 I know so many ladies temp but it stresses me out so I can relate!
  • @aga31 I feel the same way. I'm terrified my only pg and loss was my one shot. We've even talked about TTC actively for 1-2 more years and then starting to look into adoption.

    as for temping- I like the control of it knowing for sure if I O... but I've not temped for a full cycle yet and I hate having to time it right in the morning. I would prefer not to do it- but I know my crazy brain needs it.

    Me: 37 DH: 35
    Married: Oct 2012
    TTC #1: August-ish 2016
    MC: 04.01.2017 @ 9.5 wks 
    BFP 11.26.2017 - DD born 08.12.2018
    TTC#2: end of 2019
    MC: Jan 2020 @ 12 wks

  • aga31 I think that's a totally rational fear. *TW* I try not to mention my DS as much as possible on here. I am well aware of the lottery we hit by having him when we did, and I feel guilty even mentioning him. All of this medical BS happened with DH when I was about 10weeks. I can't begin to imagine if my DH had developed the IF issues beforehand. I will certainly never not be thankful for what I was given, but every one of you amazing ladies deserves your take-home baby, some of you far more than me I think. I hope it happens soon.
  • Well DD asked me this morning what I was doing taking my temp. And I asked myself yeah wtf am I doing? After the loss I kept kicking myself because I thought that was our 1 chance for another kid and I effed it up.
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  • @ELeighMay I don't mind you guys talking about your kids at all! I love kids and I even after loss I offer all my friends free babysitting. I also don't want you to feel guilty about anything! We all the deserve to have as many kids as we wish and not suffer through stupid ttcal anymore
  • @vlagrl29 Has any of your doctors ever confirmed that your loss was caused by the procedure ? I really think you might be unnecessarily blaming yourself for that. And even if that contributed in any way you couldn't have known that ! You know that majority of early mc are due to random genetic or developmental stuff in embryos,and  that they wouldn't be viable anyway? 
  • @aga31 yeah my OB at the time and the dr that performed the procedure said there's no way it could have caused it. I don't feel I blame myself as much any more. It hadnt even implanted at that time. My OB said if something has implanted if I start clomid then it would kill it but not if it hasn't implanted so I believe that to be true with the HSG. It wasn't implanted at the time.
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  • nessie1313nessie1313 member
    edited October 2017
    1. Not new.... been here a couple months.
    2. Second cycle TTC. I'm in that jittery in between stage.... still have 6 days before my period, so 6 days to obsess about whether or not those are PMS symptoms or something else...  
    3. Not really a rant, just an observation. Had a good friend call to tell me she's pregnant out of the blue. I'm trying really hard to be happy for her, especially since I did not tell her about my MC. And I am happy for her, but trying to get rid of my own accompanying sadness.
    4. Oh, five things.... my Bible, my Raggedy Ann my Mom made me, my thumb drive with all my writing files, and the pin my grandpa bought me.
  • nessie1313 Friend announcements are hard. I have a good friend that's got six weeks left. She knew about my PG and loss and it's hard to see her pics on FB of her other three older kids touching her belly. I'm so happy for her and excited that she's delivering soon and at the same time I can't help but to be sad. 
  • I did not temp this morning. whew!  never again.  I think it's what really got me off my rocker yesterday and that was only 4 days in.  DH said I should bury it in the backyard and then forget where I buried it. We are sticking with our plan for the last 3 months of the year.  I can do this! it's only 3 more months of natural TTC.
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  • @vlagrl29 I wish I could give temping the boot, but as much as it drives me nuts, it still gives me some semblance of an idea what’s going on, which I desperately need. It sounds like not temping is the way to go for you though, so I hope giving it up restores your sanity!! 
  • yes I find there is that fine line between staying sane and going nuts @pumpkinpancake -  I hadn't drove myself nuts like that in awhile.  DH said - you're doing it to yourself again.  yeah I know I fell off the wagon.
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  • @[email protected] We are officially in a "no temp" team!!!! I am glad it's not just me having weird mental issues with thermometers :)
  • vlagrl29vlagrl29 member
    edited October 2017
    omg @aga31 - who would have thought.  I'm tired today but I just feel so much better.  I was rambling on and on to DH.  All sorts of fertility terms were coming out of my mouth and he told me he doesn't even understand what any of it meant.  He's gotten to the point of just doing whatever I want to do.  He now knows just to sit there and listen and then say "whatever you want" lol.  He said there needs to be a support group called ovaries anonymous that i can go to when I have these moments.
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  • @vlagrl29 I swear that if we switched personalities with DH we would have never got pregnant ! I didn't drink wine for a dinner yesterday and he was like "any news you want to share", and I was like "no dummy, i'm in tww so it's just in case", and of course he made stupid face and asked what tww is. So I just told him to stop asking stupid questions and when time comes I will let him know. seriously, do you even know where the babies come from??? LOL
  • @vlagrl29 I consider you ladies my support group ! Too funny about ovaries anonymous. Pretty good name for it!
  • sprkls8506 They're my support group too. I'm so thankful for you ladies. 

    vlagrl29 "ovaries anonomyous" *DYING! That's hilarious, I love it.

    aga31 I swear DH and I have to go over the reproduction process EVERY MONTH. Clearly he tunes out half way through the conversation because I'm constantly repeating myself. I like to throw in TB acronyms just to mess with him. I know he has no idea what POAS  or BD means, but the confused look on his face gives me the giggles sometimes. I love messing with him. *mischievous giggle
  • My DH will randomly say maybe I just don’t know how this works!  :)
  • seriously right before AF came my side boobs were hurting.  I told DH and he asked "oh does that mean you're ripe?" - uh no it means AF is coming.  Boob pain does not = O pain.  At least for me.
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  • @vlagrl29 Definitely do not think that you are nuts. You need to do what you are comfortable with and will be satisfied with. I’m not temping, thought about it, but seems like it’s a lot of work. I think I will just stick with OPKs for now.

    @eleighmay *TW*  I also was shy to mention my DS when on loss/TTC boards. But one of my good friends mentioned to me that my feelings are valid, whether I have a previous child or not. Secondary infertility brings on a different bucket of problems. Finding childcare for doctors/procedures, being mentally absent from your children while you deal with the emotions of loss/TTC, guilt from not giving them a sibling/not being a “complete” family. So while I feel very lucky that I have DS, I still know my feelings are valid, if that makes any sense. IF is a terrible thing for all involved, living children or not. 

    @nessie1313 Sorry, it’s tough to have a close pregnancy announcement.  Hope you're able to take your mind off it this weekend. 

  • Omg @msstephanielynn so true. I was totally absent from DD when I had the loss. Dh had to do the stuff I did for her at that time.  And it's a constant battle in my mind - I gotta stay here in the present moment with my real kid and not wonder or think about the one that may never happen. Oh and the guilt! I use to feel guilty that I could not provide her with a sibling or the pressure id put on myself to give her a sibling.
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  • So today we took DS to the park and there was this nice couple there with their 2 daughters, oldest about 20 months and youngest 4.  My DS is 2 so they played together pretty well.  Then the husband says so does your DS have any siblings or are you a one and done family.  I wanted to scream.  My DH says well he didn't know and I said what if I was having a bad day and started bawling when he asked that.  My DH says I've asked that of people.  Then of course I gave DH the business.  Telling him that's not his business and he should never ask that as you don't know their story. He said you are right and I remember that.  
  • @Mack2342 I hear ya on that. At this point when people ask if DD is our only I say yes. I use to say for now. I just get straight to it while dh wants to say more. If people ask if we will have more I say I hope so. DD is 6 so a neighbor asked if we were one and done. Ugh.

    i was thinking about it earlier today how much I'd be ok spending with an RE and I think id be ok with $1k. We don't have any benefits and I don't like debt. So I really hope all I need is femara to do the trick. Again if I was cool with clomid and not being not being monitored it sure would be more affordable with OB.
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  • @Mack2342 I am so sorry! I think people asking comes from a good place, but if they have no experience with loss or infertility they don't understand how hard those questions can be. No one knows of my mmc except my husband and my best friend. So I'm constantly being asked when we will try for #2 or they say things like you better get going on the next one! If they only knew...
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