I would like to have two, but it's already taken us two years to get this far and I'm now AMA. We'll see what happens.
I kept but name, but my H is also the last of his name. We agreed to make my last name the second middle name. So it's not really different, but it works for us. I don't like hyphens and the name is more important to him than me. I still wanted my name in there somewhere though.
@charlestonchew I was an only child too! I loved it when I was little (I was also the youngest of my family and only girl on my mother's side so I was spoiled rotten), but when I got older, it sucked having all eyes on me all the time.
When your parents pass or are ill, it also sucks to be the only one around. So we are hoping for two that are close in age so they can be friends. Though I know some siblings don't get along anyway.
@sparkymcgeee thanks for sharing your journey, I found it interesting. I also hate all the times we hear about women being told things from their doctors to do with fertility (which really matters!) which don't reflect the truth of the situation!
Hubby wants 3-5 children and I want 5. He's trying to be practical about a car and travel saying 3. He grew up in a family of 4, and was home schooled. We'll aim to homeschool for a few years probably too. With infertility and 2 rounds of IVF having just 3 of 12 embryos make it to the stage where they could be transferred we don't know how our dreams might happen. Especially since TW (loss mentioned) we lost one before BFP TW and this second one is our first pregnancy leaving 1 frozen embryo. We aren't sure how we will manage IVF again with children, but we are good (or rather thrown into) managing a lot of unexpected things in life. One of my concern's is to take the time I want to breastfeed before introducing drugs, which are required for frozen transfer as well, but maybe evidence shows can be okay with breastfeeding, however usually dries up supply.
I'm also enjoying the freedom of USA in the IVF genetic testing results showing gender. It's illegal in Australia to reveal the gender unless a disorder is linked, so we won't get to balance out the genders as we go, since we plan to be back in Australia after transferring this frozen one.
I'm trying to be at peace with the whole family planning thing, it's probably my most sensitive issue now to do with our infertility.. the conversations people have about planning a family, since for us it is so out of our control we've had to let go. I really enjoy being a part of this community online, it's a safe and easy way to normalise all the parenting talk I find somewhat hard with friends in the flesh.
Perhaps it is a religious thing that so many are voting for a very large family? A lot of the Mormon women I know don't practice any forms of birth control.
@bumpemma If I had been diagnosed correctly she would have been right. I was diagnosed with a really crappy, dangerous autoimmune disease when DS was about 18m old. I was on crazy medications like methotrexate which is obviously not compatible with carrying a child and if she was right, going off the meds for the baby would have shut down my organs. But I got better and so I was questioning everything and it turns out I had an adverse reaction to novocain. I was essentially overdosed on it and it mimicked the symptoms of this AID. The new Rheum discovered the link and I'm fortunate.
Woah I just noticed that out of 43 votes not a single person has said they only want one! That is so interesting to me. I know a lot of people who decided to stop at one kid. I wonder why that doesn't show up in the poll.
I feel bad about selecting that while pregnant with a second...
@silverhope@thunderberry I really enjoyed being an only child for the amount of attention and not having to fight over anything. I think statistics report that only children tend to do better in academics and achievements due to the amount of time parents can spend on them and less children means more money for that one child. (of course these are generalizations and I know not every family is the same)
It's kind of funny sometimes when people with siblings find out I was an only child they say they're sorry and act like it's a negative thing. Um, no it was awesome. But you didn't have anyone to play with? Yeah, I had friends. I'm not a creepy loner.
ETA: and the stereotype that we're selfish and can't share isn't really true. I don't mind sharing but please ask first and please don't destroy my stuff.
@thunderberry I 100% agree. My husband didn't understand at first, but when I told him what if I asked you to take my last name and drop yours? He said "but, my last name is my last name. I want to keep it." I said "Exactly! Why are we completely ok with the woman's name and identity being dropped, but not the man's?". Ugh sorry, I am actually really passionate about this.
My legal last name is mine and husbands. No hyphen, just two names with a space in between. Our kids will have the same, and we will make it clear to them when they marry that they can decide with their spouse if they want to use both names, one name, neither name. We just want them to feel like they have the option to choose whichever one works best for them.
My last name is a 3 syllable uncommon (approx 200 people in the world have it) Italian last name. My husbands is a one syllable common Korean last name (with approx 1m people with their exact variation, and it is also one of the top 5 surnames in China). So I guess I was a bit biased in wanting to keep a unique last name over a common one.
DH and I have actually gotten into it a few times about the hypocrisy and the frustration I felt when it came to changing my name. I didn't want to and I told him that and he was so offended that I acquiesced. I've gone over it with him about why it's misogynistic and outdated and ridiculous. It's been almost 8 years so I'm pretty much over it but every once in a while the feeling creep in.
@bearwithme that is my exact situation. We're open to adoption or being foster parents in the future but no more pregnancy for me. Just got home from getting my first IV.
@sparkymcgeee ugh. I feel you girl. It took 6 long years for hubby to realize where I was coming from. Husband was going to change his name, too. But, then at the last second he got talked out of it by other guys who basically said "naw dude...don't be that guy who takes his wife's last name." I think he does still want to change his name to match mine, but it honestly seems like so much work doing it after the fact, rather than just on your marriage license.
@silverhope@thunderberry I really enjoyed being an only child for the amount of attention and not having to fight over anything. I think statistics report that only children tend to do better in academics and achievements due to the amount of time parents can spend on them and less children means more money for that one child. (of course these are generalizations and I know not every family is the same)
It's kind of funny sometimes when people with siblings find out I was an only child they say they're sorry and act like it's a negative thing. Um, no it was awesome. But you didn't have anyone to play with? Yeah, I had friends. I'm not a creepy loner.
ETA: and the stereotype that we're selfish and can't share isn't really true. I don't mind sharing but please ask first and please don't destroy my stuff.
I have 3 close friends who are all only children and I love their close relationship with their parents, and the unique families they are! I liked getting to know the great things about them being only children, I felt okay about 1 child being great, and with IF that is a good thing to know. My friends are all academically bright, social and I admire them. They all were only children though due to the product of their parents infertility. So it might answer why some people say sorry, that it seems a proportion of only children aren't exactly planned to be, but that some are because of infertility or other reasons.
2 and through. As long as this one is a boy. If it's a girl, we *might* try one more time to carry on DH's family name. You know, since he's the only male left in the family of child-producing age. No pressure...
Ahhh! My husband's aunt and uncle tried for a boy 3 more times and ended up with 6 girls!!
For me, changing my name wasn't an issue. My parents divorced when I was a teenager and I haven't had a relationship with my dad since then, so I was happy to change my name.
@mileswithmyles same here! I was so ready to get rid of my last name because I had no relationship with my father or his family. My SIL loved her maiden name so she legally changed her middle name to her maiden name so she could keep it but wouldn’t have a long last name.
I would love to have 3! DH really wants to stop at 2, but we have 7 frozen blasts in storage and I have a hard time thinking about discarding them. I am 39 so I'd be looking at transferring when I'm closing in on 41... My embryos are from my 36yo ovaries and my RE says your uterus doesn't age out until 47. This pregnancy has been a little rougher than when I was pregnant with DS and I do question whether or not I want to do it again when I'm over 40, chasing 2 little ones around!
@KPCH14 My husband's name is also an uncommon 3 syllable Italian last name! (And he's half Korean). Funny. Part of me wishes we combined our names for unity, but mine is also 3 syllables and they don't flow well. He initially put up a fight when I told him I wasn't changing mine, but quickly understood my argument (same as yours).
Before DH and I got married we talked and said we would use my maiden name as all of our children's middle names. I can tell you what, DS gets called my last name way more than his actual one!
@cups4 love it! Yeah we haven't yet discussed having them have the same legal last name as me (i.e. with two last names). Or to use my maiden name as a second middle name. Written out if looks exactly the same, but legally it might be more convenient for them to have the one last name. Although I will be honest, I have had really no inconvenience with having two last names. In fact it's great because if people write me checks with either last name, it works! And if I am trying to access anything under my maiden name I never have any issues.
My parents tacked on both their last names onto my name, though my moms was technically a second middle name. I found it annoying. Like, what do I say if asked what my middle name is? What letter do I put in the one box on forms?!? I mean obv not a huge deal, but what does it really get you to add it? There is no fair, just pick one or the other IMO. Oh and for the record I dropped both when I got married... as my mom put it: you can have your husbands name, or your fathers name or your maternal grandfathers name, in any case it's a man's name. So make up your own or just accept the way things are.
@Pearlvirus I see where you are coming from, which is why I will probably have their be the same as mine, just two last names and one middle (to avoid the weird middle initial thing). I get that it was annoying to you growing up, and I am sure my kids may end up dropping both last names. But, it is something that is important to us and I had a lot of friends with two last names growing up and they loved feeling connected to both of their parents families.
My last name starts with an A. My husband's starts with a Z. Our children's last name is Aname-Zname. Sometimes they are alphabetized under a, sometimes z. They will definitely want to change their name when they are older. We both use the hyphenated name socially, but not legally or professionally. (Though people art work assume my name is his.)
My DH has two last names, and it's never been a bother. I took his second last name when we got married, and I remember having a discussion as to whether I would take both last names.
Another only child over here! The stereotyping is so awful. At work I'll mention that I don't have siblings and people say stupid things like, oh I had no idea! You don't ACT like an only child. Wtf am I 5? I'm a grown ass, functioning adult! My parents were very thrifty and didn't spoil me for shit. I got at job at 16, got a hand me down car, paid for insurance, gas, etc. My mom was AMA when she had me and they love to travel so that's why I was a OAD. On the flip side, my DH is one of three kids and was spoiled rotten growing up. His parents still pay bills for his siblings who are in their late 30s. Like others, we were going to be OAD and here we are..... now we are FOR SURE two and through.
On the flip side of this, I was the oldest of six, and that's why I only wanted 1! (I really didn't want kids for a looooooong time but I met my SO and that changed.)
My mom is an only child and she loves it that way. She actually thought it was easier to care for her mother in the end because she didnt have to fight with her siblings over end of life decisions.
@momo214 I agree with the stereotypes. If you look at the theory of birth order (psych major here lol) only children are said to have very similar characteristics as first borns such as responsibility.
My mom has said I wasn't intended to be an only child but she wouldn't change anything now. My mom was nearing AMA and she said they never got pregnant a second time. Then when I was 5 my dad got a terminal illness and we had to care for him and then my mom was a single parent so she feels one was what she was meant to have. Being an only child of a single parent gives me even more uniqueness. Me and my mom are like twins and she is my best friend.
2 and through. As long as this one is a boy. If it's a girl, we *might* try one more time to carry on DH's family name. You know, since he's the only male left in the family of child-producing age. No pressure...
Ahhh! My husband's aunt and uncle tried for a boy 3 more times and ended up with 6 girls!!
This is how my DH thinks and I just roll my eyes. I only agreed to have a 3rd when I was convinced he would be happy with another girl.
after this I am DONE. I do not want to be pregnant again- third time around has been rough already and I'm 29 and I'm the best shape of my life
@bearwithme that is my exact situation. We're open to adoption or being foster parents in the future but no more pregnancy for me. Just got home from getting my first IV.
Ugh. I'm so sorry. I suspect that's my next stop if I cant keep anything down today. I had a complete meltdown the other night. I am so so very tired of feeling this sick. Hopefully you turn a corner soon. Sending you hugs!
This is number three and we are tentatively done. DH would be cool with four, and I would too - if I didn't have to go through pregnancy and such again in another two years. I love being pregnant and newborns but I'm also feeling ready to move onto the next stage of our lives where our kids are more independent and where I can regain some of myself that I've lost over the last few years.
For those with 2/3+ etc how do you find the practicality of taking maternity leave? For instance if there's 18 months between kids, you go back to work when baby is 1 and then you're immediately pregnant and in work for around 8 months before taking another year maternity leave out. Like employers have to be okay with it but how did you find it? Does that make sense?
@CraftyG The UK sounds nice. A lot of women only get 6 weeks maternity leave in the US. The max I've heard of here is 6 months and that was with like 3 months unpaid.
I am an only child too, but my parents wanted more children and tried for many years. I probably would have been ok being an only child but seeing how badly my parents wanted more and their heartbreak over each miscarriage while I was growing up really affected me. I hated being an only child, but it was probably because of the losses my parents went though, it was emotionally draining on all of us. From when I was 2 - 12 years old they tried.
Because of being on only child, I always wanted a large family, 3-4 kids. DH comes from a family of 3 boys and isn't close to his brothers at all so he was fine with one and done. (I already had a daughter from a previous relationship which totally sealed the deal on him only wanting 1 of his own) We had our own daughter together who is almost 4 and I finally convinced him to have just 1 more and here we are we still haven't told my daughters yet because of my history growing up, but I know they will be excited once we do tell them.
Well I was happy with 2 for awhile and felt like someone was missing. So, we tried for the third (this baby). However we found out yesterday we are having twins
Re: How big of a family do you want?
I kept but name, but my H is also the last of his name. We agreed to make my last name the second middle name. So it's not really different, but it works for us. I don't like hyphens and the name is more important to him than me. I still wanted my name in there somewhere though.
TTC #1 since September 2015
*TW*
BFP #1: CP, April 2016
BFP #2: 10/5/16, MMC 11/3/16 at 7w5d (embryo stopped @ ~6 weeks), misoprostol 11/11/16 (EDD 6/16/17)
Dx: Luteal phase defect, uterine polyps, stage 2 endometriosis, low morphology
Uterine polyp removal (laparoscopy) 3/28/17
BFP #3: 6/19/17, MMC 7/11/17 at 6w3d, misoprostol 7/17/17 (EDD 3/1/18)
BFP #4: 8/25/17 EDD 5/4/18
When your parents pass or are ill, it also sucks to be the only one around. So we are hoping for two that are close in age so they can be friends. Though I know some siblings don't get along anyway.
Married: 8/22/15
BFP #1: 8/22/17 | DS: 4/20/18
BFP #2: 7/14/19 | EDD: 3/18/20
Hubby wants 3-5 children and I want 5. He's trying to be practical about a car and travel saying 3.
He grew up in a family of 4, and was home schooled. We'll aim to homeschool for a few years probably too.
With infertility and 2 rounds of IVF having just 3 of 12 embryos make it to the stage where they could be transferred we don't know how our dreams might happen. Especially since TW (loss mentioned) we lost one before BFP TW and this second one is our first pregnancy leaving 1 frozen embryo. We aren't sure how we will manage IVF again with children, but we are good (or rather thrown into) managing a lot of unexpected things in life. One of my concern's is to take the time I want to breastfeed before introducing drugs, which are required for frozen transfer as well, but maybe evidence shows can be okay with breastfeeding, however usually dries up supply.
I'm also enjoying the freedom of USA in the IVF genetic testing results showing gender. It's illegal in Australia to reveal the gender unless a disorder is linked, so we won't get to balance out the genders as we go, since we plan to be back in Australia after transferring this frozen one.
I'm trying to be at peace with the whole family planning thing, it's probably my most sensitive issue now to do with our infertility.. the conversations people have about planning a family, since for us it is so out of our control we've had to let go. I really enjoy being a part of this community online, it's a safe and easy way to normalise all the parenting talk I find somewhat hard with friends in the flesh.
If I had been diagnosed correctly she would have been right. I was diagnosed with a really crappy, dangerous autoimmune disease when DS was about 18m old. I was on crazy medications like methotrexate which is obviously not compatible with carrying a child and if she was right, going off the meds for the baby would have shut down my organs.
But I got better and so I was questioning everything and it turns out I had an adverse reaction to novocain. I was essentially overdosed on it and it mimicked the symptoms of this AID. The new Rheum discovered the link and I'm fortunate.
I lost my angels 07/2010, 04/2017, 10/2017
Meimsx no more
It's kind of funny sometimes when people with siblings find out I was an only child they say they're sorry and act like it's a negative thing. Um, no it was awesome. But you didn't have anyone to play with? Yeah, I had friends. I'm not a creepy loner.
ETA: and the stereotype that we're selfish and can't share isn't really true. I don't mind sharing but please ask first and please don't destroy my stuff.
My legal last name is mine and husbands. No hyphen, just two names with a space in between. Our kids will have the same, and we will make it clear to them when they marry that they can decide with their spouse if they want to use both names, one name, neither name. We just want them to feel like they have the option to choose whichever one works best for them.
My last name is a 3 syllable uncommon (approx 200 people in the world have it) Italian last name. My husbands is a one syllable common Korean last name (with approx 1m people with their exact variation, and it is also one of the top 5 surnames in China). So I guess I was a bit biased in wanting to keep a unique last name over a common one.
DH and I have actually gotten into it a few times about the hypocrisy and the frustration I felt when it came to changing my name. I didn't want to and I told him that and he was so offended that I acquiesced. I've gone over it with him about why it's misogynistic and outdated and ridiculous. It's been almost 8 years so I'm pretty much over it but every once in a while the feeling creep in.
I lost my angels 07/2010, 04/2017, 10/2017
Meimsx no more
I have 3 close friends who are all only children and I love their close relationship with their parents, and the unique families they are! I liked getting to know the great things about them being only children, I felt okay about 1 child being great, and with IF that is a good thing to know.
My friends are all academically bright, social and I admire them.
They all were only children though due to the product of their parents infertility. So it might answer why some people say sorry, that it seems a proportion of only children aren't exactly planned to be, but that some are because of infertility or other reasons.
I am 39 so I'd be looking at transferring when I'm closing in on 41... My embryos are from my 36yo ovaries and my RE says your uterus doesn't age out until 47. This pregnancy has been a little rougher than when I was pregnant with DS and I do question whether or not I want to do it again when I'm over 40, chasing 2 little ones around!
TTC #1 since September 2015
*TW*
BFP #1: CP, April 2016
BFP #2: 10/5/16, MMC 11/3/16 at 7w5d (embryo stopped @ ~6 weeks), misoprostol 11/11/16 (EDD 6/16/17)
Dx: Luteal phase defect, uterine polyps, stage 2 endometriosis, low morphology
Uterine polyp removal (laparoscopy) 3/28/17
BFP #3: 6/19/17, MMC 7/11/17 at 6w3d, misoprostol 7/17/17 (EDD 3/1/18)
BFP #4: 8/25/17 EDD 5/4/18
We both use the hyphenated name socially, but not legally or professionally. (Though people art work assume my name is his.)
My mom has said I wasn't intended to be an only child but she wouldn't change anything now. My mom was nearing AMA and she said they never got pregnant a second time. Then when I was 5 my dad got a terminal illness and we had to care for him and then my mom was a single parent so she feels one was what she was meant to have. Being an only child of a single parent gives me even more uniqueness. Me and my mom are like twins and she is my best friend.
after this I am DONE. I do not want to be pregnant again- third time around has been rough already and I'm 29 and I'm the best shape of my life
Married: 8/22/15
BFP #1: 8/22/17 | DS: 4/20/18
BFP #2: 7/14/19 | EDD: 3/18/20
I am an only child too, but my parents wanted more children and tried for many years. I probably would have been ok being an only child but seeing how badly my parents wanted more and their heartbreak over each miscarriage while I was growing up really affected me. I hated being an only child, but it was probably because of the losses my parents went though, it was emotionally draining on all of us. From when I was 2 - 12 years old they tried.
Because of being on only child, I always wanted a large family, 3-4 kids. DH comes from a family of 3 boys and isn't close to his brothers at all so he was fine with one and done. (I already had a daughter from a previous relationship which totally sealed the deal on him only wanting 1 of his own) We had our own daughter together who is almost 4 and I finally convinced him to have just 1 more and here we are