STM+: Let's talk about judging other parents...

orangecup

What's something you used to judge other parents on before you had kids that you now do yourself or that you've changed your mind about?

luna8433

I used to judge my bother when his son would fight bedtime. Stupid me and karma because my son fights me so hard at bedtime.

kindbytealikat

I wouldn't say I judges other moms persay but before DS I swore up and down I wouldn't be "one of those mom's" (insert eye roll to myself) who fixed her kid separate meals. While I still don't do this every meal I do it often. I have an under weight child and he needs the calories so if he doesn't eat what I fix he'll be getting something I know he'll eat.

cathyann4

Breastfeeding. I was young and dumb when my older sister had her son and thought it was gross and she should cover up. 5 years later I had my eldest and was a huge breastfeeding advocate and general dgaf about covering up. Still am  

ladythrice

I was fairly level headed prekids, having grown up with siblings much younger than me, but I still judged fast food consumption and TVs in kids' bedrooms. Flash forward to having kids and GASP, my kids have had fast food (I swore I'd never do it... b/c I personally hate it). We don't do it often but damn if those Burger King $1.49 nuggets aren't tasty. I am personally still against TVs in bedrooms, we won't ever do it at our house, but I don't 'judge' someone else for doing it. Not my kids, not my business, do what you gotta do momma.

ETA: I'm a hypocrite because I have a TV in my bedroom... but my kids never will until they move out or bring home their college TV lol.

Dumbgurl04

I use to judge moms whose kids ran crazy in the stores and wouldn't listen and threw tantrums.   Now, now I understand.

whatabout2ndbreakfast

Kid leashes. Now I understand why people use those. Still wouldn't use one myself but I get it now.

kindbytealikat

Not ashamed to say I've used a backpack leash in the airport and zoo

kmalls

Pre-kids I totally judged parents that let their kids bring a tablet/smartphone out to dinner. It still makes me cringe when I see it, but I get it. Sometimes you just need a peaceful night out, and if letting them watch a movie at the table is the only way you're gonna get there...meh. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. 

But I will cry if/when we reach that point

Dumbgurl04

I was against leashes too @peppersmith22 but I got over that well before I had kids.  I worked a Children's Museum and seeing one of those meant one kid you knew wasn't going to get lost.  

courtyowl427

All the things. Now I know we're all just doing the best we can every moment of everyday. Sometimes my kid eats a healthy meal I made from scratch. Sometimes he gets processed crap chicken nuggets. Sometimes he's awesome at the store and sometimes he screams and throws a tantrum. Sometimes we go to eat and I enjoy his company, sometimes I give an iPad so I can chug my $8 glass of wine. Sometimes we do crafts and play outside, and sometimes we watch tv for 2 hours. I think I'll be much more lax this pregnancy too...I don't really have a choice chasing around a 2 year old!

tgortney

I used to judge parents who gave their kids fries and nuggets. My kid LOVES fries. When he goes on a food strike, sweet potato fries are all he eats. Meh. He'll live.

luna8433

@smalls I still judge people who let their kids on there phone tablet during church. Yes my kid can be distracting and yes it would be easier on me to distract you. But it's not the lesson I want to teach my children. Same goes for the table, we need to enjoy each other and put the devises down.

ngolimento

Well, I'm not going to lie, I was a judgey jerk prior to having a kid.  I used to judge people with tantrumming kids (mine is fairly well behaved in public because she is super shy, but now I know how uncontrollable it can be).  I also used to judge people who had rude kids (spoiler alert, they are all occasionally rude).

One judgey bit that I haven't gotten over yet is how anyone can forget and leave their kid in the car.  Big caveat on that is I don't have multiple kids yet, so I may just be stupid and in for a change of heart.

holly321

I try not to judge tablets or phones in a restaurant.  I never plan to give them, but bring them as back up.  Both my kids are special needs, so you never know when the sounds and commotion are going to getting them, so occasionally I will use the phone as a distraction.

While I do not judge temper tantrums, because you never know when a kid is going to go off and you don't know what else is going on in their life, I still judge when a child is misbehaving and a parent is not doing anything to correct the behavior.  

Pre-kids, or when they were younger, I was judgy about the amount of time spent watching TV, and allowing a very young child to watch it. I for the most part don't see the big deal anymore, as long as it isn't affecting speach development or the child never does anything else.  I do judge when people let little kids watch scary/child inappropriate stuff.  My friend's 4 year old watches the walking dead, and a coworker let her 3 year old watch Jurassic Park.

Dumbgurl04

I'm the same way @ngolimento before kids and even now I don't understand how people "forget" and leave their kid in the car.  Sure there are times when DD falls asleep and I need to run into the store for a quick thing and I would love to leave her in the car (I don't) and run in and out real quick. But these people who go and see movies or do whatever takes hours to do and leave their kid in the car just baffles me.   

psuxray07

@ngolimento Judge away! I 100% believe that kids and babies left in cars are left on purpose.  There's no way you can forget.  I don't care how many kids they have or what they're doing.  It's just an excuse to get off and no longer have a child.  I will definitely always judge that and never get over it. ETA: it makes me so sad and sick hearing about how much this keeps happening. 

cseley321

Kid leashes, picky eaters, and sitting kids in front of TV's are my major ones.  

I never really hated on the kid leashes, but I would think in the back of my mind, why isn't their kid disciplined better than that??  Now I know that discipline and 1-2 year old just do not jive together all that well sometimes, lol.  

I used to be kind of pissy with my mom babysitting my cousins because she kept them in front of the TV allllll day.  My kid doesn't really watch TV, but it's on the whole time she's awake.  She will stop playing for like 2 minutes and watch, then go right back to playing, but I sure do cherish those 2 minutes.

Oh, and one that I've fallen into way harder than I would care to admit is I'm always jacking with my phone when I'm watching my kid.  I try and put it down or leave it alone, but honestly there's only so much "Little People" and blocks I can play with before I have to read some dumb gossip or news articles to feel in touch with the outside world.

maureenmce

I don't think I necessarily judged other parents about this, but I certainly never thought I'd baby my DD about bedtime, but she ONLY wants to be put to bed by me, and she wants to be rocked until she's sound asleep and I just roll with it because it works really well and it's much needed extra snuggle time for this working mama.    I know at some point she'll need to go to bed like a big girl, but I'm kind of fine with letting it last as long as it does.

ngolimento

@Dumbgurl04 @psuxray07 that's kind of how I feel about it.  Again, maybe I'm in for a shock, but I'm pretty sure nothing could make me forget my kid in the car.  My DD is a horrible sleeper.  I mean, I love her to pieces and she has a lot of talents, but she SUCKS at sleeping.  Back when she was under a year old, I got so little sleep that I stopped healing minor wounds and my hair went brittle.  It was SO bad, but no matter how sleep deprived I was, I never once remotely came close to forgetting her.

kindbytealikat

psuxray07 said:

@ngolimento Judge away! I 100% believe that kids and babies left in cars are left on purpose.  There's no way you can forget.  I don't care how many kids they have or what they're doing.  It's just an excuse to get off and no longer have a child.  I will definitely always judge that and never get over it. ETA: it makes me so sad and sick hearing about how much this keeps happening. 

Not justifying it by any means because it's horrible and sad. However that said it most often happens when it's the parent out of their routine. You can't say you never drove or started to drive somewhere on auto pilot and then realized that wasn't where you intended to go. It's the same concept. That said there are times it's been clearly intentional  

merrypotter

Mine was not letting people hold a newborn. My family is HUGE and when my brother and his wife had their first baby they were very adamant about not having her be passed around the room (she was born during cold and flu season) and it would bug me. I was always thinking like someone needs to hold her anyway whats wrong with everyone getting a chance? BUT THEN I had my son (also in cold and flu season) and I totally got it. I didn't mind when people held it him if was just 1-2 people in a gathering but when 10+ people got together they all wanted to play hot potato with my son. I had really bad anxiety after my son was born so it physically made me sick to my stomach to watch him go from person to person, especially if he started to cry and they still wouldn't give him back to me. This time around I'm planning on baby wearing to avoid the temptation of people grabbing him from my arms. 

kaymaroo

For me the dividing line between tablet  or not at the table is what the purpose of the meal is. Out to eat as a family, somewhere relatively kid-friendly: no tablet/phone. Dinner for grown-ups, at a fancy restaurant, that I have to bring him to: tablet or phone to preserve my own sanity and dignity.

As for what I judged on, it's a really petty thing. I always hated it when kids wore clothes with characters/extreme branding. I thought it was crass. Now my kid refuses to wear anything that doesn't feature Batman/Minecraft/Pokemon and this is a battle I've decided is so not worth the time. Bring on all the characters, whatever gets us out of the house in the mornings.

lauranicole91

I used to think beastfeeding past a year was gross. Yeah...my DD self weaned at 4.5 YEARS old. She out-nursed her brother who stopped at 15 months. 
I also judged toddlers with pacifiers. But here we are at 2 years old still using it for sleep. We at least don't let him just walk around with it all day. 
Child "leashes". I used to say no way! We have yet to use one and both my kids hate walking, so they certainly don't dart off. BUT if they were runners and liked the freedom of walking I would consider it for places like amusement parks, zoo, and fairs. 
Public tantrums. First off, pre kids, I couldn't even tell the difference between an upset toddler and a tiny newborn baby, so there's that. Also, when I hear a toddler/kids screaming now I figure it's because the parent is teaching them a lesson or, heaven forbid, the parent said no to the child. So keep on keepin on parents, we can't all ditch our groceries mid shopping trip just to save the ears of passerbys. Sorry, not sorry. 

ngolimento

@lauranicole91 I totally forgot my old side-eye at BFing past a year!  I was so sad to stop BFing my kiddo at a year, but I had to because I am an overproducer and I just couldn't keep up with pumping at work. 

psuxray07

@kindbytealikat  I know what you mean - I have accidentally turned the wrong way on autopilot when out of routine, but I immediately realize it as I'm turning...like oh crap!  But I still can't accept that as an excuse for leaving a kid in the car, especially all day.  

hlynn5

I used to humorously judge my brother and his wife for lying to their kids about what they were eating, just to get them to eat.  For example, they said peas were green corn.  And when the kids would only drink chocolate milk, they started giving them "white chocolate milk" (which was just regular milk).  Who knew a few short years later I would be serving my son mashed potatoes telling him to eat his "warm ice cream."

bettyvonsomethingstein

Sleep training.  "Oh, I could never do that."   One massive sleep regression later, I actually read about it for myself and found out it was nothing like what nay-Sayers were describing, implemented a program that I was comfortable with, and now I have two champion sleepers.

beach_mama

Pre kids i never understood why parents would open a bag of snacks before paying for them. Just go pay for them, right?? Now i laugh and laugh at my silly former self. 

psuxray07

@hlynn5  hahaha!  I told my son cauliflower was snow broccoli and asparagus was giant green beans.  The asparagus one didn't work though, lol.

kmalls

bettyvonsomethingstein said:

Sleep training.  "Oh, I could never do that."   One massive sleep regression later, I actually read about it for myself and found out it was nothing like what nay-Sayers were describing, implemented a program that I was comfortable with, and now I have two champion sleepers.

@bettyvonsomethingstein sleep training is the ONLY reason I haven't completely lost my sanity. People can say what they want, but it works. 

kimmerann3

I would judge moms who gave their toddlers technology. Well I would give mine anything for a few minutes of peace! Lol!!!!!

bettyvonsomethingstein

kmalls said:

bettyvonsomethingstein said:

Sleep training.  "Oh, I could never do that."   One massive sleep regression later, I actually read about it for myself and found out it was nothing like what nay-Sayers were describing, implemented a program that I was comfortable with, and now I have two champion sleepers.

@bettyvonsomethingstein sleep training is the ONLY reason I haven't completely lost my sanity. People can say what they want, but it works. 

Sigh.  People will say what they will say, and someone ALWAYS feels the need to say it.

All I know is, I know my beautiful, happy, intelligent, loving children will sleep from 7 pm to 6-7 am every single night now, and most nights they go down giggling, and bedtime is actually a fun part of our day.  The proof is in the pudding!

natalknitter15

Pre-baby: I used to dread when a coworker or acquaintance would want me to flip through photos of their child(ren). I could fake interest for maybe like, 30 seconds. I absolutely judged other parents for thinking their kids were so special, cute, talented, etc. 
Fast forward 1.5 years: Now I'm the jerk who whips out my phone at any possible opportunity to show people every single adorable picture. Sometimes I can hear myself droning on about how wonderful my son is, but Heaven help me, I just can't stop. 

zombiemom1318

Before I was a parent. I was stupid and apparently knew nothing about being a parent! 
I swore I wouldn't let the tv babysit my kid.... yah right lol if I am tired, not feeling well, cook, clean or need time to gather my own thoughts. You best believe my child is sitting in front of the tv!!
I swore my child wouldn't be a picky eater... and now I feed him something different if he doesn't like what I made for dinner.
I swore my child is not going to act like that kid in public.... my child was the kid at the grocery store last week on the ground throwing a tantrum and the week before that broke a jar of pickles. 
My pre-parenthood thoughts went under the table when I really became a parent! Lol 

danjoly

One that comes to my mind is bed sharing. I used to side eyed people who would bed share. Although DS sleeps in his room now, I totally bed shared around 3-4 months when he was nursing all freaking night. It was either that or losing my sanity. We got lucky and he became a great sleeper so we didn't had to continue longer but I no longer judge those who do it, because sleep is everything!

ngolimento

danjoly said:

One that comes to my mind is bed sharing. I used to side eyed people who would bed share. Although DS sleeps in his room now, I totally bed shared around 3-4 months when he was nursing all freaking night. It was either that or losing my sanity. We got lucky and he became a great sleeper so we didn't had to continue longer but I no longer judge those who do it, because sleep is everything!

Amen.  I used to really look down on that.  Then I got a baby that nursed constantly and sucked at sleep. I was dumb.

julzy

Agreed with bedsharing/co-sleeping. I judged other moms so much for doing it. DS is still in my bed now at 2. 

lauranicole91

zombiemom1318 said:

Before I was a parent. I was stupid and apparently knew nothing about being a parent! 
I swore I wouldn't let the tv babysit my kid.... yah right lol if I am tired, not feeling well, cook, clean or need time to gather my own thoughts. You best believe my child is sitting in front of the tv!!
I swore my child wouldn't be a picky eater... and now I feed him something different if he doesn't like what I made for dinner.
I swore my child is not going to act like that kid in public.... my child was the kid at the grocery store last week on the ground throwing a tantrum and the week before that broke a jar of pickles. 
My pre-parenthood thoughts went under the table when I really became a parent! Lol 

Psst, I sent you a PM. 

Lalala2326

kindbytealikat said:

psuxray07 said:

@ngolimento Judge away! I 100% believe that kids and babies left in cars are left on purpose.  There's no way you can forget.  I don't care how many kids they have or what they're doing.  It's just an excuse to get off and no longer have a child.  I will definitely always judge that and never get over it. ETA: it makes me so sad and sick hearing about how much this keeps happening. 

Not justifying it by any means because it's horrible and sad. However that said it most often happens when it's the parent out of their routine. You can't say you never drove or started to drive somewhere on auto pilot and then realized that wasn't where you intended to go. It's the same concept. That said there are times it's been clearly intentional 



@kindbytealikat and @psuxray07 Trapped in the quote box....


It always scares me when I hear people say that it can never happen to them because it can. Besides the example about being outside routine (which is completely legit) crazy things do happen. I'm posting a link to a recent story I read that made me think twice about my own 4 year old because I could totally see her doing what was said. And my 2 year old is the quietest kid in the world in the car. It always scares me when my husband takes her anywhere alone because it is out of his routine and she is so completely different from my 4 year old who used to scream constantly and now talks constantly in the car. You could never forget she was there, but my 2 year old is quiet as a mouse in the car. I could easily see forgetting she was there unless getting her out was just something you automatically do.

Additionally, a friend who is now a mom of 4 and is one of the most attentive, loving, caring moms I have ever met left her second baby in the car on accident and went into a store with her oldest (who was about 17 or 18 months at the time). The baby was only a month or two old, fast asleep, my friend was exhausted, her thyroid hormones were crazy off due to recently giving birth - she was running really hyperthyroid which can make it incredibly difficult to think straight. Somehow she just got her oldest out of the car who was in the seat behind her and walked into the store without thinking. Fortunately, she remembered within a couple minutes, it was a really mild weather day, and ran back out in a panic to find the baby still perfectly fine and sleeping, but it happened. Two kids is a completely different situation than one, and if you throw in the utter exhaustion that can come with it, hormone imbalances, personality differences, and routine changes, and I can totally see how it can happen.

I know many of the tragic ones were intentional. Either to intentionally harm the child or because the parent couldn't be inconvenienced to actually care for their child properly and the child unintentionally was hurt/killed, but those instances do not cover ALL of the times children are left in cars. Sometimes it really is just a horrible, horrible accident.

I honestly think the parents that think they could never do it are the ones most likely to do it because they don't recognize and work to prevent the situations where it is most likely to occur. If you really don't think there are any situations where it could happen, you need to think harder and continue to be on guard and alert.

Here is the article I was talking about: https://halfheardinthestillness.com/?p=9166

ngolimento

Lalala2326 said:

kindbytealikat said:

psuxray07 said:

@ngolimento Judge away! I 100% believe that kids and babies left in cars are left on purpose.  There's no way you can forget.  I don't care how many kids they have or what they're doing.  It's just an excuse to get off and no longer have a child.  I will definitely always judge that and never get over it. ETA: it makes me so sad and sick hearing about how much this keeps happening. 

Not justifying it by any means because it's horrible and sad. However that said it most often happens when it's the parent out of their routine. You can't say you never drove or started to drive somewhere on auto pilot and then realized that wasn't where you intended to go. It's the same concept. That said there are times it's been clearly intentional 



@kindbytealikat and @psuxray07 Trapped in the quote box....


It always scares me when I hear people say that it can never happen to them because it can. Besides the example about being outside routine (which is completely legit) crazy things do happen. I'm posting a link to a recent story I read that made me think twice about my own 4 year old because I could totally see her doing what was said. And my 2 year old is the quietest kid in the world in the car. It always scares me when my husband takes her anywhere alone because it is out of his routine and she is so completely different from my 4 year old who used to scream constantly and now talks constantly in the car. You could never forget she was there, but my 2 year old is quiet as a mouse in the car. I could easily see forgetting she was there unless getting her out was just something you automatically do.

Additionally, a friend who is now a mom of 4 and is one of the most attentive, loving, caring moms I have ever met left her second baby in the car on accident and went into a store with her oldest (who was about 17 or 18 months at the time). The baby was only a month or two old, fast asleep, my friend was exhausted, her thyroid hormones were crazy off due to recently giving birth - she was running really hyperthyroid which can make it incredibly difficult to think straight. Somehow she just got her oldest out of the car who was in the seat behind her and walked into the store without thinking. Fortunately, she remembered within a couple minutes, it was a really mild weather day, and ran back out in a panic to find the baby still perfectly fine and sleeping, but it happened. Two kids is a completely different situation than one, and if you throw in the utter exhaustion that can come with it, hormone imbalances, personality differences, and routine changes, and I can totally see how it can happen.

I know many of the tragic ones were intentional. Either to intentionally harm the child or because the parent couldn't be inconvenienced to actually care for their child properly and the child unintentionally was hurt/killed, but those instances do not cover ALL of the times children are left in cars. Sometimes it really is just a horrible, horrible accident.

I honestly think the parents that think they could never do it are the ones most likely to do it because they don't recognize and work to prevent the situations where it is most likely to occur. If you really don't think there are any situations where it could happen, you need to think harder and continue to be on guard and alert.

Here is the article I was talking about: https://halfheardinthestillness.com/?p=9166

Well, just on emotional response alone, I am not going to agree that I am the most likely person in the room to kill my kid.  I also don't think you can have it both ways.  You can't on one hand say "it's impossible to always remember", then turn around and say "you must be alert and remember!".  Nobody here is wandering around saying "ah fukkit, I don't have to be vigilant with my kid!".

Like I said, maybe I will change my tune when I have two, but I doubt it.  I have visited the depths of intense sleep deprivation and hormone Imbalance, and it didn't ever cause me to forget my baby.  I can see an oopsie for a couple of minutes, but not so long that the baby dies.