Visitors after birth

blueskies17

What are your plans for visitors at the hospital/home after birth?

My DH has just informed me that his parents will want to fly into town as soon as I go into labor, and stay for a week. We won't have room for my IL's to sleep over in our apartment once baby gets here, so they'd be staying at a hotel nearby. My IL's are very nice but I really don't want to have visitors over daily in our 1 bedroom when I'm getting to know a new baby and trying to breastfeed, etc. I don't even want visitors in the hospital for the first day, but DH thinks everyone has both of their families packed in the waiting room while the mom is in labor. He watches too much TV! (I know that some people have that and like it, but it's not my style.) 

I think this topic was discussed a bit in a UO thread a few weeks ago, but I didn't want to resurrect an old weekly thread. 

katiegeminimoon

I'm not sure how we will handle visitors, but I'd say hell no to your husbands suggestion. They can come a few weeks later! All of our family is local and will probably visit day 1, but hopefully not for too long.

katiegeminimoon

Oh, and I definitely don't want visitors or a waiting room full of people when I am in labor!

atack

I will allow my parents, brother, ILs, my 2 grandmothers, and my kids to come in to the hospital after birth.  As long as they're healthy  

I can tell you my family (local) will probably be waiting in the waiting room or at a nearby restaurant because that's just what they did last time.  It will all depend on the time since I have two other kiddos and they will have them.  

I don't really mind visitors - they are just excited to see the newest addition.  With my first I had all these plans in place and I was firm and strict and then I had the baby and realized the amount of love everyone wants to give that little pint size peanut.  I think I read too many online blogs and birth plans.  I go with the flow.  To each their own!

blueskies17

I could probably deal with the waiting room full of people, if they don't expect to visit for over an hour after meeting baby. My main concern is having to "entertain" my IL's daily for a week right after baby is born. I know that I won't be expected to do anything, but it will be super awkward to just have them around every day in our small place. My IL's are older and my MIL doesn't really cook so I don't even know what I can ask for them to do to help (especially since I'll be BF'ing hopefully). I would mind less if we lived in a larger house! I know they are just excited and want to help so I feel bad. 

eazybreezy225

I'm the same way... this is baby number 4, and with all of my babies I wanted no visitors, and minimal interference from family/friends the first week. Unfortunately in the past I never really received that.
With my last baby, my MIL decided it was a wonderful idea to bring her cousin and his wife to the hospital to visit. I barely know them, but they happened to be in town so of course they just HAD to be invited to visit me during a very vulnerable and difficult time in my life!
I'm more optimistic about this time around because we just moved across the country. The only people that will be around is my mom and my MIL. My BIL and his family live 20 minutes away from us but they are good about giving us space. 

blueskies17

@eazybreezy225 ugh I'd hate to have almost strangers visit in the hospital. Good thing you won't have that problem this time! 

rainbowdashh

As long as no one expects to be staying at my house, I don't mind visitors. If I want to be alone, I take baby to my room and no one questions. I like the company afterwards, but I think I'm in the minority.

If you think it'll be too much, put your foot down or set boundaries like "okay they can come, but I don't want people over before noon and I don't want them staying all night (unless they make dinner lol)". PP hormones are crazy and you don't need added stress. 

bbylifelove

I'm okay with immediate family and close friends coming to the hospital for a short visit, but once we're home me and DH already decided we don't want anyone visiting for the first few days. We'll have to tell DH's parents as the date gets closer, so they don't fly in expecting that. If they do fly in, they won't be staying with us, and will have to wait a few days like everyone else before visiting us at home. DH and his parents don't get along very well, so it's not hard for him to tell them no (thank god!). My inlaws (mainly MIL) are very selfish people, and have the most rediculous expectations, as if the world revolves around them all the time. It's a blessing they live far away now, but this throws things a little out of sorts now. In any case, our focus is on baby and no one else. They can deal with it. My family is extremely respectful, so I have zero worries with them. All of our siblings are respectful as well. 

abcola

@blueskies17 maybe you can tell them to only come in for a weekend... and that once the baby is a bit older they should come back... make it 2 trips instead of 1 long one. Last minute travel is soo expensive, maybe you can sell it that way. 
Luckily DH's parents are 40 min away and mine are about a 3 hour drive and can entertain themselves pretty well. I want them to be nearby to meet the baby when he comes (but once we are in our room) but then only visiting for a few hours a day the first few days... they can always come back which is a plus. 

Jellybelly119

I was SO overwhelmed by visitors the first time around, so I'd say hell no to that plan. Lack of sleep, trying to figure out BFing (if that's the route you go), feeding every 20 minutes, etc, etc, made visitors just too much. I'd ask them to come a few weeks later, giving you time to adjust first. I'm actually planning on putting off visitors for longer this time because it gave me so much anxiety. After a few weeks I felt like I had my shit together, and could tolerate visits better. 

Kirss

Last time my IL’s were the first people to show up, right when we got to the hospital at like 1 am (DH called), and stayed all night. It was their first grandbaby. Hindsight I didn’t really care. Especially since I had a c/s and once I got in the recovery room, I didn’t see them for about an hour later. It was a busy morning, both our sisters showed up, and my parents came around noon. During our stay we had a few other family members and friends stop by and check out the baby as well. I didn’t really mind it, no one really stayed all day.  I honestly don’t remember anyone coming by the house besides my girlfriends, which I loved.

This time I’m guessing the same thing will happen. I just hope that everyone comes later in the afternoon.

Thankfully everyone is pretty local. I def wouldn’t want a weekly visitor.

@atack your family waiting at a restaurant is a great idea. A friend of ours told us a story about when they were waiting for their son to be born, the nurse told the dad it would be a while, so he went to a bar or restaurant, came back and his boy was here. Surprise he came faster than the nurse expected. This was 35 years ago, way before cellphones. 

NME44

I don't mind visitors, except last time my FIL showed up with a cold and my baby ended up in the hospital for the weekend with a virus and a very high fever. I would like to suggest maybe they wait a month this time.

cait5413

We don't live near our families so hospital visitors were not an issue.  My parents came up to meet the baby the weekend after she was born and stayed one night. My in-laws came a few weeks later to help out and actually were helpful. Are you having a scheduled c-section? If not, you don't actually know when baby will arrive.  Your in laws could get there and be around for a week and no baby! This time,  my mom is coming up for a couple days to help with DD (I am having a repeat c section) and then the in laws will come up a few weeks later. I recommend having your in laws schedule a visit for like a month after your due date. That way if you are late, you should still have a couple weeks with baby before they descend. You also won't worry about entertaining them--you and baby will come first. It's easier to set boundaries for baby's sake.

mrsorigami

We had a waiting room full of people.  DD was the first grand daughter on my parents side, and the first grand child on DH's side.  Once we had "magic hour" and were all settled in recovery room, my parents first came in to see her.  Then his parents, and then siblings, etc.  Small groups at a time.  It was nice but for the rest of the weekend we had lots of visitors coming and going in the hospital room and I'd rather not do that again.  Even the day we got HOME my inlaws were there and it was not ideal!

This time we will only tell 2 people when we are going to the hospital, and those 2 people will be on call to come and take care of DD while we go to the hospital.  Once baby is here and all is well we will make an announcement/make the necessary phone calls/face times.  I definitely don't want a waiting room full of people, and I don't want visitors bombarding us.  I want to bond with my baby right away and for a while!

blueskies17

@cait5413 my IL's are retired with nothing to do, so they will basically get the first flight available and fly to us when I go into labor. I have to keep working on convincing my husband that they should wait at least a week! This is not their first grandchild but DH is "the favorite" so they will be eager to visit as soon as possible. I don't mind the visit so much as them being around every day in my personal space (in a small apartment, every room is personal space lol)! My MIL is also the type to have a lot of comments/suggestions.. she means well but I already know she'll drive me crazy.  

cait5413

@blueskies17
I would not tell them when I went into labor! Give yourself at least a day!

Amber_Waves

DH's family is huge, so I am going to try to draw a firm line about hospital visits.  His parents can come, but not his cousins etc.  After that, as long as no one shows up sick, I'm going to try to go with the flow.  My parents and family lives further away.  I'm sure they'll ask what we'd like before making travel plans.

ngarciabyu

This is baby #3 for me. And I'll follow suit with what I did with babies 1&2. I don't like visitors during labor or in the waiting room. I like it just DH and I as we meet baby. And that first day no visitors, not until the next morning. I am always SO exhausted. I just want to stare at my baby and sleep. Next day parents will come and so will our boys to meet baby. My ILs will be staying with us at our house. I'm good with that because MIL and my mom are AMAZING and will help look after and play with our boys, keep everyone fed, and the house tidy so I can rest and stare at baby more . And to enjoy my other two get adjusted being big brothers. Outside of that immediate family, I always play it by ear. After my first delivery I couldn't walk (cracked my tailbone during delivery), was exhausted, overwhelmed, my boobs were so sore, I just didn't want anyone outside of my safe circle of people. But with #2, I bounced right back the day after and had energy and was all happy and gladly visited with people who wanted to come. 

shellac835

@blueskies17  I think it's so tricky when parents and in-laws live out of town, because they won't just pop over for an hour, they'll expect to spend a lot of time with you while they're in town.  

All of mine are out of town and I've been debating how to handle this. I plan to tell my parents that they don't need to buy a plane ticket ahead of time since we don't know when labor will happen (I do NOT want anyone here ahead of time, I want to enjoy the last days with just my husband).  I am going to give them the option of coming out for a week shortly after birth, or since it's so close to Christmas I thought they might want to spend the baby's first Christmas with him, so I'm hoping they'll wait until then and come out for the holiday. I'm due at the beginning of Dec, so that would hopefully give us a couple of weeks.  I think my Mom would really prefer to be here and in the delivery room so I'm not sure how she'll react to this, but I feel pretty strongly about having quiet time for a few days at least. I'm not sure when to bring this all up, if I should do it soon or wait until everything is closer.

cait5413

@shellac835 I'd consider doing it sooner so you don't get a call saying, "We booked plane tickets for your due date!" Just tell them what you want/need and hopefully they'll respect it (or have time to get over it, at least!)

FakeFinn

All immediate family live within driving distance, except for my brother, meaning that our parents and siblings live less than an hour drive away. My brother lives in another country and has to drive 3-4 hours, so he'll visit later. Depending on what time the baby comes we'll invite the immediate family over for a short visit after (I've gotten myself sorted and) we've had time to bond. There will be no waiting room warriors. If delivery is during the week I imagine the family to visit during the evening (parents, siblings, 2 nieces, 2 nephews). On the weekend we can be a bit more flexible. Resting hours will be between 12 (or 1) pm and 4 pm. Our bedroom is quite small (here if you have don't have a c-section, they'll usually release you in a couple of hours), so people will have to take turns visiting and the rest can sit downstairs and eat/drink/snack. I'll go by how I feel, when asking other close relatives and dear friends to visit.

I don't mean to tell you what to do @blueskies17, but I have some suggestions. It's great that your DH's husband are so excited for their new grandchild, but babies do not expire. You're the one going through childbirth and you're the one who is going to (try to) breastfeed. Determine for yourself what you'd be okay with:
- Are you okay with them booking a flight beforehand or should they wait for an okay from you and DH?
- How long can they visit for? Can you handle these visits alone or do you want your DH present during the visits? 
- What times will you and baby rest and what times will you be available for visiting? (Also, make this clear beforehand 'We can receive you from 10-12 am and from 4-6 pm' for example)
- Talk to your DH about your and his expectations and what you want, together, as a family. You're the one going through childbirth and having to deal with all the hormones, so making you feel comfortable should be his top priority (happy mom = happy baby). When he insists on having his parents there from the get-go, even though you're not 100% on board, tell him that he can decide when he's the one giving birth  

bbylifelove

I guess different hospitals have different policies, but where I am (Manitoba, Canada), no one, not even family, is allowed to be in a waiting room. I'm so glad for that too! They can visit after delivery when you're settled but that's it. The hospitals here don't permit people hanging around waiting. Only you and your birthing partner(s) are allowed, and they're with you the whole time.

dkizz82

I didn't want visitors. I told everyone that for the first house after birth it was just me, DH and baby. My in laws left and I let my mom in. Whoops! I needed my mom. 

Anyway, I explained we wouldn't accept visitors until the 3rd day. Everyone respected it and the nurses were great about it. I didn't want people in my house but I did  allow a few. I was trying to breastfeed and had major depression. 

This time around i don't feel as strongly about visitors.  I don't know why. 

blueskies17

@shellac835 Yes it's definitely harder to figure it out when family is visiting from out of town! I've already started telling my husband that I don't want visitors right away- he's not convinced yet but once I'm big and uncomfortable he will not be able to say no to me haha.

@fakefinn Thanks, those are great suggestions! I will take your advice and set guidelines around when people can visit. I think I can eventually convince my husband to see things my way. At first, he wanted to stagger his paternity leave with the arrival of his parents so that I would get "more help" for a longer period of time. I told him hell no, you're not leaving me alone with your parents, buddy! 

tmk0325

Oh no @NME44 that's horrible!! No sick people allowed! I was especially particular with that since we had Nicu preemies!

As for visitors, we told everyone we didn't want any visitors until at least one day after and they could come when we told them they could come. I wanted at least 24 hours off pain meds and wanted to see my babies before someone (other than their father) did.  I did not get to see mine until the next morning and I would of been so upset if a grandparent or some random relative got that moment before me.  This time we will do the same. We will have to tell at least one set of grandparents because we'll need someone to watch the boys.  

shellac835

@cait5413  Yeah that's probably a good call. They're probably envisioning the baby's arrival just like I am, so it would be easier to shift their thinking now than later.

@blueskies17  Haha totally! While it's a joint thing, you/we DEFINITELY get final say.  You're the one going through everything and the one who will be tired/recovering, so it's your call when visitors come. Good luck!!

elev2017

The different threads on here are helping me think of so much stuff that I wouldn't have even considered on my own, so thank you, ladies! After reading all of your experiences and opinions I told DH last night that I definitely don't want his family camping out while I'm in labor and I was grateful to see that he was totally appalled by the thought of that ever happening. I think the only people who will be allowed to be at the hospital while I'm in labor will be DH, my mom, and my sister (if she's able to make it up from Baltimore in time). I do want visitors, but not until the day after the babies are born. Whether I have a VB or CS (50% chance of CS with twins), I want time to rest and bond with the babies before anyone else shows up. After that, I'm fine with family and close friends visiting as long as they don't stay too long.

flowerpower5838

We are out of town from all of our close family. With DS, we were told at my appointment that I was going to be induced that day, so we called our moms. Mine came immediately and MIL came the next morning I think. Baby wasn't born until the next night so they were both there but were also both very respectful of our space. We still hung out with baby for an hour or so before we allowed them to come in. They both stayed at our house while we were in the hospital. MIL left the day we came home and my mom stayed with us for a week to help (TRULY help). MIL came the next week for the same reason. 

There is no way in hell I'd have visitors or house guests if there was any inkling of an expectation that I play host or cater to them at all. I was tore up from the floor up and had my boobs hanging out pretty much constantly - thankfully I was okay to be a hot mess in front of the moms and by the time we had other visitors (2 weeks I think) I was feeling much more in the parenting groove and comfortable. 

This time around I imagine things will go about the same. My mom will drop everything and come up immediately. But this time she'll likely come straight to the hospital, grab DS and hang out at home until after baby is born.

OH and our hospital visiting hours didn't even start until 10 am in the recovery room so be sure to check that out or even use it as an excuse if you're worried about early/unwelcome visitors.

tamaraaaa

Don't forget that camping out in the waiting room could mean FOREVER.  Even after my daughter was born, it was almost 6 hours until we got into our room and she came in for the grandparents to see her.  

Visitors at the hospital weren't too bad for me, because the hospital was boring.  If it got to be too long, the nurses would come and kick them out anyway to do "checks".  This time around my ILs will be coming about a month after the birth, once we are settled in.  

I didn't mind visitors at our house much, but I didn't overdo it either.  I made sure that if someone was coming, we didn't have other plans that day and maybe a rest day after that.  We spaced them out, and I utilized a carrier to prevent the unwanted holding and touching.  I let people hold her, but I wasn't down with playing the passing game for hours.  If she was sleeping, she was in the carrier.  I thought my MIL would go insane, but it was great to establish boundaries from the beginning.  

andipandicWed121369

My bff came right after I had my first and did my laundry, dishes and anything I even considered doing.  She was a totally non-judgemental lifesaver.  If you have company like that, take them up on it.  If they're just there for baby snuggles and to be entertained, oh hell to the naw.

breezybee

Totally off topic: @tamaraaaa is your screen name based off of that episode of real housewives of Orange country where Tamara and Vicky get Gretchen naked wasted?  Because every time I see your name I hear gretchen drunkenly screaming it and I can't stop laughing. 

Mandayno

Oh this topic gives me anxiety. All of my family is local and everyone has been "waiting years" for this baby to come. With that means I know if they had it their way they will be camped out in the waiting room. I don't want that!!! My family is very close but when it comes to DH and I, we tend to keep to ourselves. When I don't feel well I just want left alone and not to talk to anyone! I feel labor will be this exact same way. I really don't want to tell anyone even when I go into labor! I too don't want to see anyone until the next day. I want DH and I to enjoy our baby together for some time! I just don't know how to tell my family without them getting offended (which happens easy with some)?

mdcd44127

@Mandayno I feel the exact same way. I'm an only child from a small family, so they're super psyched I'm finally expecting, but I know that means they're going to want to be there at the hospital. Noooo thank you! My mom is actually making a point about being in the delivery room with us! That to me is such a personal time between myself, DH, and the new baby, and her energy level always stresses me out. But telling her (and the rest of the family) "hard no" is going to hurt their feelings so much... I get tense just thinking about it.

cait5413

@djd0404 @Mandayno "We know you are so excited for the baby to arrive and we'll call you as soon as we're ready to have visitors meet him/ her." Repeat with a smile as necessary. Do not call them when you are in labor. Wait til you're ready for them to come by. 

tamaraaaa

breezybee said:

Totally off topic: @tamaraaaa is your screen name based off of that episode of real housewives of Orange country where Tamara and Vicky get Gretchen naked wasted?  Because every time I see your name I hear gretchen drunkenly screaming it and I can't stop laughing. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA no, but now I wish it was...  I love OC.  I mean, they are no Beverly Hills/my spirit animal Erika, but still a favorite.   

Natachamommy2eight

This is our tenth and we only allow visitors while I am in hospital.. Some of the reasons why is because hand washing and no sickness policy... Then everyone else has to wait two months(except grandparents)...only my husband and our children get to hold baby for the first two/three weeks 

ridedatide

I will have my mom come down when I'm in labor. I already told her I want her there. She also offered to stay a little after and help us out. That is fine by me. With this being our first I know I for one am looking forward to it as well as home cooked meals. My SO does not cook so with me out of commission and just him it would be a whole bunch of takeout. As for my other family, I know they are really excited. I'm not going to limit and tell people when and when not to come. My family is really good about taking cues and giving space when needed. My IL are in town but equally excited. My dad and stepmom will be coming down sometime in January after the holidays. I'm due in the 21st but if I'm anything like the other women in my family I will go later. My mom had me 21 (yes that right) days late and my grandma had my mom 17 (yes that right too) days late. I'm just glad they wont let you go that far anymore. I'm sure I will be ready shortly after my due date 12/21.

tmk0325

Natachamommy2eight said:

This is our tenth and we only allow visitors while I am in hospital.. Some of the reasons why is because hand washing and no sickness policy... Then everyone else has to wait two months(except grandparents)...only my husband and our children get to hold baby for the first two/three weeks 

This is your 10th baby? Wow. I'm in awe.  How old are your children if you don't mind me asking?  

splsmama2016

With this one, I'm only allowing my sister, my parents and in laws (if they're here already) to be at the hospital. And my hubby. Lol. I don't want any visitors until after that first day of recovery. Only DH in the delivery room, with my sister waiting at the door to take those first precious pictures (she's a newborn photographer). My best friend and her hubby will probably stay with DD at our house while we are at the hospital, then my mom/sister/in laws will return home so they can come visit. 
I had a rough first 36 hours after DD was born, since I had been awake/in labor for almost 36 hours by the time she came out, that I really had no desire to essentially entertain people, but I didn't know how to vocalize that. 
Once we get home, no visitors outside of family through the holidays. My mom and sister said they want to put together a meal train again, but I don't think we will need that if my in laws are here. It took us a while to adjust to being a family of 3, and I have no desire to have people in my house this time around. 

Side note to FTM's: ITS OK TO SAY NO!!! be brave! You need to do what's best for you and your new family. 

dilbert890

I was stressed about my mom wanting to be there for the delivery. She can also be a high energy person and she likes to narrate obvious things. Her ideas are sometimes off the wall and she can get under my skin without the added stesss of labour. My friend who's had 3 kids said the doctors/nurses can ask her to leave the room if I want them to without giving a reason why. So I may be able to compromise. My aunt wants to be with me.. she was with my cousin for her first, but my cousin never invited her back for the 2nd or 3rd so I wonder how it went.... 
after, I really don't care.. having a due date of dec 25, and my own bday is the first week of January, ppl are too busy with Christmas stuff to be knocking down my door... it'll just be close friends and family and that will be fine..