The In-Laws/Family Vent Thread

HappyToBeHere

I have a list of issues with my MIL, and my list with my FIL is growing. 

My FIL is very controlling of my MIL. He makes no bones about monitoring her food intake, and will literally say "you can have one _______ but that's all you're allowed" even if we are out in public (she had lost lots of weight, but has since gained it back), he is demeaning towards her intelligence, etc. She takes it, and I literally hate the idea of DD growing up seeing that type of controlling relationship. MIL badmouths her own MIL, but I literally see them as the same person. She gripes about how controlling my FIL's father was, and the anger issues he had....and I sit there like...."you are your MIL, and FIL is his father. How don't you see that?" 

DH doesn't say anything when FIL is demeaning, and I don't quite understand that. I've side-eyed FIL before but he doesn't react. I want DD to never, ever think it's ok for someone to treat her like that.

imwithbaby

@HappyToBeHere ew. I cringed reading that, and totally agree about not letting LO think that's the way to treat women. 

smallbutmighty77

@HappyToBeHere that sounds terrible! My friend has a FIL/MIL like that and we were at her DD birthday and FIL said something to MIL about how he didn't approve what was on her plate. My friend bends down to her DD and told her that if a boy ever talks to her about her eating like that, she should walk away and never look back. I thought her FIL was going to blow a gasket. It was hard not to high five her! 

kvh22

My mom went with my MIL to check out rehearsal dinner spots before our wedding and they drove together. While chatting, MIL takes the conversation (unprompted) to how she raised her kids because she stayed home with them and anyone who doesn't stay home didn't raise their children. My mother worked and we went to day car/after school programs/summer camps, etc. MIL knows this (our families have known each other for over a decade). My mother is pretty sure she didn't realize what she was saying, but MIL totally believes what she said and just wasn't thinking about who she was talking to so it wasn't an intentional snub, MIL is just really proud of the fact that she stayed home.

SIL is a SAHM who homeschools, BIL's wife is a lawyer but they never had kids (and are in their 40s so won't be having any), so I am the first to foray into this territory with her and it terrifies me because she is also so easily offended and has no idea when she offends other people (or at least I like to think that's the case, because it happens a lot).

DISCLAIMER: I strongly believe that women need to respect the choices of other women, whether it's to have kids or not have kids, work in an office/outside the home or in the home, etc. My concern is that MIL does not feel that mothers who work outside the home deserve respect and I can only imagine the issues this will present over the next couple of decades. DH and I both have great jobs and make about the same (although technically i make slightly more and my company has amazing benefits) and it just doesn't make sense for one of us to give up our salaries, although I give DH credit for being open to discussing him staying home when we talked about it, and I have no idea what MIL would've done if that had happened.

lewliv

@kvh22 My MIL was also a SAHM and FIL worked and traveled a lot. I work and travel a lot. She told my SIL that she didn't  want us to have kids because she thought DH would end up having to do most of the work. She doesn't understand the concept of partnership and equal responsibilities. The funny thing is she has been amazing during my pregnancy! She buys me clothes every week, bought us an uppababy Vista and Mesa, takes me out to dinner every night DH is out with clients, offered to stay in a hotel close by once the baby is born so she can come over to clean and cook while we bond with the baby. It's like this baby is the best thing that ever happened to her. 

kvh22

@LivLew I can't believe she said that about hoping you don't have kids but I am so glad everything's been going well, so far. It sounds like she's super excited

We now live across the country from our families but when we went back for Christmas, she was great. In talking about her and FIL visiting after baby is born, she preempted all of my concerns by offering to stay at a hotel (my mom will be staying with us when she visits and I expected some jealousy). Apparently she wants to make sure they aren't interfering with baby's sleep and feeding schedule so fingers crossed everything continues to go well. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt that she won't make any rude comments but it won't be tested much until I have to go back to work after maternity leave in January. I think I'll be worrying about it in the back of my mind until well past that point because DH hates having to confront her when she says offensive things.

KJUMPER7

This makes me laugh (and feel better) b/c I am not the only one who has to deal with crazy i laws.  I literally cringe when I'm anywhere near my FIL. He is a self-absorbed pompous jerk.  He called my MIL a sl@t at my wedding b/c DH friend danced with DH friend.  When I announced my pregnancy to them he immediately made a comment that I looked heavy and he knew when I walked in the door. Oh and with my son, he pressured DH into naming him after both of them (my husband is a second and he insisted we have a third.). Till this day there is tension that I refused.  (We named him the same first name but different middle name as a compromise.). That's just some examples...I could write a book...

MIL...where do I start there?  I had a miscarriage in August and she came to watch my son while I had a d&c.  She called as I was on the way to the hospital to ask if traffic would be bad?!?!  Oh, then when I walked in the door after she said "bet your glad that's over with."  I'd like to chalk it up to people not knowing how to react to a miscarriage...but seriously?  Like I said I could write a book. 

Just thankful they live an hour away and even more thankful that my parents are polar opposites and the most wonderful parents someone could ask for.

knottie76d2afb8a2f15466

Wow to so many of the above comments. I also find a weird comfort in knowing 'it's not just me'...dysfunction in families is soooo real on soooo many levels. Hence we are all a lil crazy (in my book). I love my MIL...I can just put my grown self up for adoption for his family to take me in because it's my mother who I need to avoid. She's so negative and cold towards me I'm convinced she regrets having me! On that note I'll stay on the other side during my entire pregnancy. Anything for a peace of mind. 

dinofreak

I feel like a TW for this post... My MIL is a huge over-gifter. I have been trying to give her a list or tell her 1 big thing we want for Christmas/birthdays to avoid getting piles and piles of crap we don't want or need (I have so many unopened, useless gadgets like bluetooth keyboard... for my phone). She's  been really good so far not buying tons of garbage for the baby, and I think being team green is helping with that, too. But she just texted me that she ordered me 2 ring slings (I looked them up, about $75 each) because SIL just got one. I didn't want a ring sling at all because all my friends with them say they slip down and I have trouble putting weight on just one shoulder. PLUS she's a Lularoe fanatic, and has just terrible taste in patterns so even if I end up liking/using the slings, I'm afraid they're going to be butt ugly. 

lyse01

@dinofreak it's okay - my MIL is the same. I told her I didn't want or need clothes for xmas, I just wanted some tickets to local events so we'd be forced to do some date nights instead of always choosing to work on the house. I got a sweater that doesn't fit and some guidebooks to the area. Mmk. 

erindippity

Well, I realized after trying to type everything that I was going to write a novel about my MIL and some of the stuff is pretty serious, but then there's just little things too that get under my skin. Like when we got married she said "oh I'll just die if you're pregnant." Um.....why? "Because I'm already helping with SILs kids I won't be able to keep up with yours too. I'm just getting so old and tired and in pain and blah blah blah." Oh, well don't worry about that. I don't want you to watch my kids, literally like ever. 

Our baby is going to be our first, but her 9th grandchild. BIL has a step son from his first marriage and then they got divorced in April  and he met and married again in September and she has 2 kids, and all together there's 5 kids with BIL. Then one SIL has a step son and 2 girls. She constantly has made comments like "oh lord how many does this make now???" And she will share our announcement or a picture of my bump with that as the comment.  I mean, I get it. There's a lot of grandkids, however this is our first. And it's really not that big of a deal. It's just annoying and another way she makes things about her. Or she will comment on my FB stuff about my pregnancy and be like "tag me in these things cause I'm not on FB often." Uhhhh no. I'm not tagging anyone else, and if you wanted to know how I'm doing you could text or call me rather than trying to make a public showing. 

She wasnt abusive towards DH, but IMO she bordered on neglectful as he was growing up. He was kinda an unexpected baby at the end of a declining marriage. He just got shuffled around a lot and no one really paid much attention to what he did. So, he did what he wanted and was frequently getting into trouble. He wasn't living with her by 16/17 and she wasn't doing much to help guide him or get his life together. But he's turned his life around, and grown up and is successful in his job. Noooow, "her baby boy" bullshat is thrown around all time. It's annoying.

smallbutmighty77

@erindippity I'm sorry about your MIL. Great, she has a lot of grandkids, but this is YOUR first and that should be a different thing from 'how many she already has' I mean geez lady. If she is tired and old, then you don't want her watching your kid-too bad for her, but sounds like you and DH are on the same page and kudos to him for being awesome in spite of her. 

I love all the parents/IL's who want to be tagged, added, etc on FB. My mother doesn't understand the difference between liking and sharing something. So she shares EVERYTHING. My cousins post about her kids baseball game? Shared. My post about having ants? Shared. My sisters picture of a tree in her yard? Shared. I am trying to work on it so when we have our daughter my mother doesn't share every single thing. I don't plan on posting a lot, but it won't matter.

erindippity

@smallbutmighty77 that's how my aunt and uncle are. I hadn't considered they probably don't get that they don't have to share everything to like it. Lol

mrsw2017

Wow. I was going to vent about my MIL but feel like she's an angel compared the the families that some of you deal with. All I was going to say was that my MIL can be a bit over involved and will likely be forever. My biggest pet peeve is when she tells me to take care of her baby. Excuse me, but this baby is mine and my husbands baby, not yours. I'm sure it's not intentional, but it really drives me nuts. 

Feliciosity

@mrsw2017 Totally know how you feel on that! My MIL said the SAME thing to me! She also keeps patting my bump and saying "how's my little girl doing?" She doesn't know yet that baby is a boy.

mrsw2017

@Feliciosity Haha, she will be in for a rude awakening. My MIL also told me she can't wait for the moment that her little one is here. She is going to have a fit when I tell her that my husband and I are wanting at least at few hours after the baby is born before family starts to visit. 

Lauradi1010

mrsw2017 said:

@Feliciosity Haha, she will be in for a rude awakening. My MIL also told me she can't wait for the moment that her little one is here. She is going to have a fit when I tell her that my husband and I are wanting at least at few hours after the baby is born before family starts to visit. 

This.  Last time I had my in laws my parents and a few nieces/nephews/SIL's waiting at the hospital for hours 8-10 hours as I was at hospital before DS's birth.  It annoyed the hell out of me.  At least my parents and nieces/nephews/ SIL went to eat.  My MIL sat in the Waiting room the entire time without leaving. I got to hospital at 8am and didn't have baby until 2:30am the next morning due to complications/ surgery.  My parents left at 4am to get rest. My MIL stayed... She lives 5 minutes from the hospital, but waited for DH to take her home when he left to pick up stuff I had forgotten.  It was awful.  MIL was in my room about the same amount of time DH was.  I told DH no one at hospital to see baby until I give the okay.  His response, "I can't control who shows up at the hospital". I swear people will get thrown out this time. 

Feliciosity

@Lauradi1010 Oh boy. I am dreading that moment. That sounds exactly like what my MIL will do...

I don't want us to have any visitors until LO and I are settled in and I have at least attempted to nurse once. I do want my mom there with me and DH during birth and to consult me with nursing the first time. I'm really close with my mom and she is a huge comfort to me. MIL being in the room just plain stresses me out, and she will have a fit if she knows my mom can be with me but she can't. DH and I are nervous about what to do.

JCPSand2B

I've heard people say, when they had pushy in laws or parents, that they didn't inform anyone when they went to the hospital. They let them know after the baby was born and they had they time wanted to themselves. But you'd have to weigh the options, if they will hold a grudge after and which you'd rather deal with. Thankfully my husband made sure everyone knew we'd let them know when we wanted visitors. My grandparents were the most pushy, and I gave in since they flew in and weren't in the best of health. This time around I've already said no one gets to come till our daughter meets her sibling. 

Mango517

Hold strong to what you guys want in regards to after birth hospital visitation. I plan on not letting any parents know I'm in labor or giving birth. It's what we both want as we know that even the knowledge of parents waiting in the waiting area will stress us out.

Originally I was apprehensive about our plan, but after some STM support on here and then reading some stories about how parents behaved during birth... I'm sold on the fact it should just be me and my H. We'll let people know when the baby is here and ready for visitors, be it 1 hour later or two days after he's born. 

mrsw2017

I completely agree. My parents have already said they don't need to know when I go into labor. They just want to know when we are ready to have visitors. My in laws on the other hand...I talked to my husband about my wishes. His response - well they're going to want to see him as soon as he's born. Well I don't care what they want, it's not their baby. They made their decisions with their children and we will make our decisions for ours. 

He said they can just wait in the waiting room but I know that if I know they are there waiting, I will get annoyed and feel rushed. 

SouthernMama15

I had a scheduled c section with DS and there was a bunch of people in the waiting room. They took him to the nursery to clean him up, measure him, and all that good stuff while they stitched me up and got me moved to my permanent room. I felt pressured because the procedure was delayed and people were waiting for what seemed like forever. I decided to start letting people in.  No one left at all after that. I didn't get a chance to bond till the 2nd day.  This time I'm taking my time. No one will come in till DS has had time to meet his new sibling and when I need a break,  I'm telling people.  

shyviolet-2

We don't live close to family so we don't have to worry about people in the waiting room.  But I remember at our birthing class the women running told couples to tell the nurses who was allowed in the room.  She also recommended not telling people until after the baby was born if it was going to be an issue.  My mom requested we let her know when we headed to the hospital but things happened so fast we didn't have time to so you could always use that as an excuse

lewliv

Maybe I'm a bitch but no one will argue with me. I only do what I want and feel no guilt about it. I told my mom that I do not want her staying with us. I'll take the baby to Brazil in November. To my IL I said that they can wait for us in our house (and take care of the dogs) but are not welcome to stay once we arrive. They decided they will stay in a hotel close by (they live an hour away) during the first week to help out. No one will be welcomed at the birth center. That will be my and DH's time to bond with the baby and meet with the lactation consultant. 

Lauradi1010

@SouthernMama15,

Since this is a planned C-section that is exactly what I am afraid of.  I was so out of it after my first C-section but couldn't sleep because if the adrenaline.  I also refused to sleep intil I got to hold DS who was taken to the NICU.   By the time they brought DS back 8 hours later and I was allowed guests I was super out of it  I and could hardly stay awake.  Unfortunately by that time there was an entire  waiting room full of visitors who were so excited to meet DS.  All I wanted to do was sleep, but couldn't since my room had like 5-6 visitors until after 9pm.  

At least my sister has my parents trained not to come to the hospital without say so.  They were the ones who watched her other kids when she had he last two.  They don't see the point that in rushing up.  Hoping they will watch DS this time around.


@mrsw2017,

Even if people are waiting do not feel rushed to let them in.  I caved and regretted it.  Bind with you LO and get your rest.  It's the most important thing. if you don't want visitors for a bit make sure the nurses know that.  

@Feliciosity

Stay firm with your MIL.  Try get your husband on board first and things will be easier. Glad your mom can help you.  My mother somehow drives both my sister and I nuts at times, so we knew she wouldn't be allowed in during most of labor.

smallbutmighty77

Boards like this make me realize how lucky I am with our family. I have already told my parents and IL's... we will let you know when I go into labor, but please do not come to the hospital. We will call you when she arrives and you can come then. We want time with her to bond and we don't know how long things could take. 
My sister did the same, so my parents were fine with it, my In-laws said they will do whatever makes the new parents comfortable.
They are all just so excited to have a grandchild (1st for in-laws/ 1st in state for parents) getting my mother to leave my house once the baby is born, is another story. However, my sister is going to come with her family and she will help get her out, just like I did for her, so yay backup!

JWatt5

Our plan is to not call anyone until we are back home, safe and sound, assuming all is well with baby and I. Our dog goes to a Doggy Daycare that does over nights and the girls there already agreed that if we go in to the hospital when they aren't open they'll pick him up for us. So sweet. 
We've told my family this and they are fine with it. DH "forgot" to tell him family last he saw them. I don't know them that well - I think they'll be fine with that. Next for them will be that I don't want them to visit over night when they do come. We go to their house for dinner without staying over. It's just a 2 hour drive. Hopefully they are ok with that. They are also going to have to bring a change of clothes though - DH's parents and sister basically chain smoke and they'll need to wash up before holding the baby. I know they'll complain behind my back but after their terrible comments to the ultrasound and only seeming to care if it's a girl or not - I've let them know they were basically a**holes and I didn't appreciate. Apologize we're made but I'm sure I'm DH's Terrible wife now. Oh well. 

My family lives 3 mins away so that's easy and I don't mind their help. I'm already tired of the comments on my food/living choices they don't understand from my in law so unfortunately their time will be limited for my sanity until I'm really settled. 

chayamosko

@PinkPrincessPiper You sound like an incredible person dealing with an impossible crazy situation! You are doing the right thing, don't look back on your decision

knottie0d8cc4d43bacc09f

@JWatt5 You're a saint for even letting the chain smokers come see baby after you're home. That would stress me out so much..being freaked out about lingering smoke smells ugh. Hopefully they surprise you and are gracious and helpful around the house!

middy411

I second the getting DH on board. Luckily my husband is very vocal and not a pushover whatsoever. He managed to keep everyone out of my delivery room even when my mom was trying to sneak and coax her way back to my room. He yelled at the security guards a few times that day for letting her beyond the front entrance (luckily my hospital regulates who can come in and when). My mom can be very persuasive lol. Unfortunately DH was starving and can't stomach hospital food (prissy) so we caved and said my mom could come in while he grabbed lunch as my labor was stalled at 9cm for 7 hours. She came and was actually not annoying at all. I took a nap while she was there as I was extremely drowsy from some medication they gave me. Next thing I knew DH was back and we were deciding to do a c section due to my baby not dropping. He said he had to fight both of our moms off as they were trying to come in the room as I was being transferred to the portable bed to go to surgery. Basically... DH HAD to advocate for me because I was in no condition to. He and I were on the same page about what we wanted and he knew that I would have no energy or need to deal with patrolling family members who don't respect our wishes.

 I also did NOT enjoy my mom staying with my the second week I was home from the hospital (we took the first week to bond as a family). It was not helpful at all as she only wanted to hold the baby which interfered with feeding and sleeping routines I was trying to get the hang of. This time around she has already made a comment about how I will be wanting people to stay once the new baby comes and she will have a rude awakening when I let her know I don't want any overnight guests for a while. My family is also it of state. MIL is a lot more tolerable and respectful of my space and needs so I really don't mind if she stays over. She would be a big help with DD1. Just can't let my mom know about that lol

JWatt5

@secicc12 - yah the smoking drive me insane. it's one of the main reasons I limit my time with them. At least they moved to a new house recently which they don't smoke in. The old one they did and I would leave smelling like a cigarette. With each cigarette they'll be washing hands, face and a new shirt. They're gunna have to pack for a week for a one day visit haha  

babyoakes

The mister & I live in Nebraska. His parents live in Florida. They're planning to start driving up here as soon as Emma is born. That was all fine and dandy until they asked to stay with us in our little two bedroom apartment. My husband said yes when they asked without even asking me because he didn't see anything wrong with it. He thinks they will be super helpful. I just want time with my little family. If I'm overwhelmed and need to cry a little, I should be able to do that. I'm already going to be pretty sleep deprived, hormonal & healing from birth. Having guests, even if they are family, on top of that just sounds like it will a lot. I told my husband what I think and he said he's going to talk to them they'll need to stay in a hotel, but I feel like a terrible person for not wanting them to stay with us. I wish they wouldn't have even asked.

knottiee689565f63838b35

@babyoakes I could not even imagine having DH not ask me first about it. Luckily our family is only 45 minutes away so they won't be staying. My mom will stay at my house while I'm in the hospital because we have 4 dogs and she's one of two people who my dogs are comfortable with without DH or I around. But she said that unless I need her to stay around after getting discharged, she'll be leaving once I'm settled because I don't need that added stress.

Vent: My Dad's fiancée (let's call her N) does holistic/homeopathic healing which whatever just don't push it on me. My mom just told me that when she saw her the other day all N could say was how she thinks my OB is wrong about everything and how everything I was filling my dad in about the baby when I saw him last was wrong. I'm barely showing and N told my mom that at this point I need to be. My mom tried to tell her the OB is perfectly happy with everything. I had mentioned to my dad that the doctor said it was good I'm eating healthy and taking care of myself since DH has gotten terribly sick 2x now and my immune system is technically compromised being pregnant. N told my mom that if the OB thinks being pregnant compromises an immune system, I need to look for a new OB. N also told my mom that the OB should have sent me for X-rays on my pelvis since they aren't completely sure what's wrong but have me in physical therapy for it. What gets me is N didn't even say anything to me while I was talking to my dad and waited over a week to tell my mom that I'm wrong about everything. Ugh that woman!

imwithbaby

@mrsashworth522 X-rays on your pelvis while you're pregnant?!? This woman is looney. I definitely lean toward holistic wellness, but this lady is a quack. Someone needs to tell her to shut it!

imwithbaby

My FIL's girlfriend (she's like, 70) is a nurse. She found out I was taking Zoloft during pregnancy (ok'd by my psychiatrist, OB, and midwife) and had FIL call DH to voice their concern that I was taking drugs during pregnancy because they had *researched* it. Bless.

I just don't understand why people are *so* intrusive about pregnant women. Like, maybe trust that we know what we're doing and that our doctors know what they're doing? And that maybe you don't know everything? 

knottiee689565f63838b35

@mrsmatt1212 I'm pretty sure that's why she didn't say anything to me at the time I was talking to my dad. Even my dad thinks she's a little crazy. She tried to take him off his blood pressure medication and he still takes it because it started going crazy high with her natural supplements for it. I've told her before that I'm just going to follow my OBs advice because they are the ones who are monitoring me and specialize in OB care.
Sounds like we have the same issues with intrusive people. Ugh!

maebee87

So I have major in-law issues. They never liked me. I'm not catholic, my parents are divorced, I have half siblings and being a teacher isn't good enough of a job. They were furious when DH and I got engaged. The day of my wedding my MIL offered me money to leave DH at the alter, that if I truly loved him I wouldn't ruin his life by marrying him. To say that we don't get along is an understatement.
DH and I have been married for 5 years and we see his parents 3 times a year. When we had DS 3 years ago MIL asked that we put the past in the past and said she only behaved that way because she thought she was losing her son. DH wants his parents in his life so I have tried. We still don't get along. I have established clear boundaries and even though it is awful it is working. Like I said, 3 visits a year.
So flash forward to Saturday- We had MIL's birthday dinner. We told them we were pregnant and the shit hit the fan. MIL went on and on about how it wasn't fair to DS, that we wouldn't love him anymore, that he was in competition now. and FIL went on and on about how "it needed to be a girl" that we already have a boy and if we have to have a baby it has to be a girl and then that I should get my tubes tied. We ended up leaving after a very long long argument. UGH. I wish my inlaws were normal and we could get along. 

JWatt5

@maebee87 - holy moly - I feel like I was reading a fictional story there - I'm so sorry she acts this way with you, none of that is appropriate or fair at all. You are so resilient - I couldn't deal with that. I hope they realize, again, how wrong they are and apologize to you! 

imwithbaby

@maebee87 WTF

LSP87

@maybee87 that is unbelievable!! the nerve of those people.